Cordelia smacked the pillow again. She didn’t know why she was bothering. Sleep was impossible. In a very real way, she wished it had been Angelus that had chained her to the bed.
Granted, she could’ve very well ended up a ‘helluva’ vampire- whatever that meant, but at least it wouldn’t have been Angel that had terrified her. Cordelia pushed the pillow, swinging her legs dropping them with a thud onto the mattress.
Okay, that was a stupid wish. Why couldn’t Wesley have told them sooner about the spell? Angel wouldn’t have done such a horrible and stupid thing, if they knew that there was solution right around the corner. Cordelia beat her legs again, in frustration.
Why couldn’t Angel be sane? Why couldn’t she not care? God, how she wished for the Groo time back, so easy, Groo loved her so simply. It would’ve never occurred to the Plyean warrior to destroy her for the sake of love. And better yet, the Plyean warrior wouldn’t have had the ability to rip Cordelia’s heart in shreds.
Where was the old Cordy that knew how not to forgive, the one that could shut herself off so completely. Gone, gone as soon as the stupid broody sexy loving good fucked up dangerous vampire became her priority. How and when did that happen and why did it so overwhelm her and make her crazy.
It completely boggled Cordelia’s mind how Angel thought terrifying her into believing he was Angelus was a better solution than the truth. Even if Wesley hadn’t had the spell, they could’ve have dealt with it together. Cordelia’s fingers brushed at the bandage on her stomach-then again maybe not.
Angel seemed fairly certain that in time he would’ve broken any promises they made to keep their distance from each other. But, to summarily destroy their relationship without even trying was galling and unforgivable. The question was how unforgivable. Never, ever type or some day way in the future type or now type. Cordelia scrunched up her face, she wasn’t quite ready for the now type, but maybe the some day in the future type.
How long was that exactly?
Cordelia clutched harder at the pillow. She had been able to forgive Angel before because he had proven himself day by day that he wanted to fight for the mission and that he did care about her. It had worked. They had gotten even closer than before. But how was Angel going to prove himself to her now.
It’s not like Angel had to prove that he loves her. Cordelia got that in all of its somewhat scary, somewhat obsessive glory. How was Angel going to show her that he wouldn’t be so destructively idiotic in the future, betray her love in the name of that love? Cordelia punched the pillow; she didn’t see how he could.
Cordelia looked down again at the gauze. What exactly did ‘inherent to his demon’ mean? It reeked of ownership and uncontrolled instincts. Cordelia didn’t like it. The concept sucked at free will and choice on her part. If she couldn’t forgive him did that mean Angel would ignore her wishes and pursue her. It sounded like he would if he believed that she loved him still.
Cordelia scrunched up her brow. Of course, she could always make Angel believe that she didn’t – except she didn’t have a psychotic convenient alternate personality to do the job. Hmmph. Cordelius to the rescue. Ha. Cordelia sighed.
She could go with the tested and true method of dating again. Cordelia shook her head. That wouldn’t work. One, she didn’t want to date anyone and two, she wasn’t at all confident that Angel was exaggerating when he said he kill another ‘Groo’ type boyfriend and three, she was still in love with the dangerous idiot. Cordelia had a sneaky suspicion that ‘inherent to his demon’ meant that no matter what she said or did Angel would know that.
Well, Cordy had admitted to herself that she was attracted to the danger of Angel; she just hadn’t quite grasped the idea of exactly how dangerous the vampire still was – even with his soul- to her.
Cordelia buried her face in her hands. She wasn’t getting anywhere. All she knew was that she still loved Angel; she was hurt and angry at what he had done, and more than a little bit nervous about the exact nature of his love for her. Just how possessive was it? Oh. Cordelia hated feeling like this- lost, mad and damn confused.
Cordelia shook away her rambling thoughts too focus on her other problem. Cordelia blew out a huff of frustrated air. What in the hell did her vision of Angelus mean or was it even a vision? Had it been a nightmare like she first thought.
It was getting truly frustrating- the vision of her talking to Skip, she totally misinterpreted as a heart to heart with herself. Then again the vision hadn’t shown her any danger- just that she loved Angel, though considering the events that could be considered a danger to her heart. But, there was no danger or warning about Wolfram & Hart.
And the other one? Angelus didn’t appear, isn’t going to now that Wesley found the alternate curse. So, it must have been a dream. Except….what she saw did happen and her recall ability was indicative to a vision not a dream. Cordelia had been chained to an iron bed, definitely taunted by Angelus’ smirking face, but it wasn’t Angelus. Cordelia thought back to the vision, reliving it in her mind as it first appeared – Angel and Angelus alternating in their abuse and love, Angel doing the violence, then Angelus doing the love and back and forth and vice versa. Cordelia shook her head.
Why would the Powers want her to know that Angel was just pretending to be Angelus? Or was she wrong again? Cordelia pictured Angel sitting on her couch confirming with a single statement, ‘I am Angelus’. Cordelia struck her head on the headboard. Why the fuck would the Powers want her to know that.
She was vision girl- she wasn’t supposed to NOT understand her visions. Geez. Cordelia swung her legs off the bed.
Well, the Powers weren’t coming to her, so she would just have to go to them. Cordelia pushed though the items in her desk drawer pulling out a slip of paper -the Power’s local home address.
Cordelia had copied it from the paper that Lorne had given Angel, after she found out how Angel was able to talk to the Conduits when she was in her birthday coma. Cordelia figured that Angel shouldn’t be the only one to know -not that she had planned on using it before -getting up close and personal with the Powers wasn’t her idea of fun. But this was getting serious.
Two visions, she had either misunderstood or misinterpreted, granted that wasn’t a lot considering the tons she got right but still, Cordelia didn’t like the idea that in those particular visions she or Angel had been the subject. And more importantly, going to the Conduits gave Cordelia something to do other than think about what was really scrambling her thoughts and feelings.
Hell, it wasn’t like she could sleep.