Part 25: Just to Clarify
Twenty Minutes Later………..
Cordelia had never had so much fun just kissing. In fact, rarely in her life had she spent 20 minutes merely kissing. Her closet time with Xander had been relatively innocent but he hadn’t really known what he was doing. Since then, being with a guy had mostly been about pushing as many of the other person’s buttons, usually as fast as possible.
She had planned on doing other stuff when she straddled Angel and pulled his face up to meet hers. But it never evolved past the just kissing phase.Maybe because just kissing Angel isn’t just kissing. For some reason, it reminded her a lot of how she felt when she and Angel went for walks after dusk, or of staying up late into the night helping him with Connor.
Because of the closeness, because it feels like we’re sharing something, something that’s just ours. Kissing with Angel was all about closeness. Kissing with Angel….I’ve been kissing with Angel!
It hadn’t been like the first time they came together. Angel was too aware now that she had just been released from the hospital. He wouldn’t let things go to far, and while she had definitely liked the rush and the neediness of the first time around, she found she liked it this way almost as much. Long sweet slow get-to-know-you kisses. Learning every nook and cranny of each other’s mouths.
Soon she was too caught up in just how loved and cherished he was making her feel to whine about how he wouldn’t let her take his pants off. Plus, I’m sure there will be time for that later. The way he touched her now—the fingers threading through her hair, the knuckle brushing over her jaw, the hands running gently over her hips. No one had touched her so tenderly before. Almost worshiping. It felt like he was reaching in and touching her soul. She would be perfectly happy just kissing this man for the rest of her life. But she couldn’t.
Giving her lower lip a soft nibble, Angel pulled away to look down at Cordy. There were dark circles around her eyes and her hair was a messy jumble. He could feel the bandage covering the stitches through their clothes and he could still faintly smell the tears she had shed earlier in the evening. And still…she was lovely.
She lay on top of him on the couch now with her legs nestled firmly between his and the top of her head just under his chin. He drank in the warmth that blanketed him, the feel of her soft hot breath against his throat and the occasional kiss she would brush on the patch of skin exposed by the unbuttoned collar of his shirt. He would be content to hold this woman in his arms for the rest of his life. But he couldn’t.
“Cordy. We need to think about moving soon.”
She made a half-hearted whine. “No. No moving. Let’s just stay here on this couch where we love each other forever.”
“We can’t stay here forever.” Although for the life of him, Angel couldn’t remember why.
“I know,” she grumbled. She raised her head to look in his eyes. “I miss Connor already. And we still have all that help the helpless stuff to do. And the earning your redemption gig. So…how about five more minutes?”
She is adorable. Angel cupped her cheek and felt the need to tell her again just how he felt.
“I love you,” he whispered harshly. Then, in a happier, lighter voice, he continued. “I love you and I finally get to tell you that.” She kissed his chin, but he wasn’t done yet. “Cor, I look in your eyes and it’s…I can see my future. I think, for once, that anything is possible. Redemption. Shanshu.”
Something dark flickered in Cordy’s gaze and suddenly she was pulling her head out of his reach and burying her face in his chest.
“Cordy? Cordelia?” Angel felt hot dampness seeping through his shirt and pulled her face up so he could see her. “What’s wrong?” Maybe she doesn’t want a future with me. Maybe she just wants a fling. She doesn’t want forever.
“Look Angel, I’m confident enough to believe that you love me. It’s not that I doubt that. It’s just…when you shanshu…anything WILL be possible.”
I thought that was a good thing. Angel waited for her to say more.
“You and Buffy…You’ll finally be able to be together.” Cordy said this quietly.
“Hey! How can you think—”
“Less than 24 hours ago you were kissing her,” she reminded him. “You two are still—”
This time he interrupted. “No. That kiss, it was, it was a goodbye kiss.”
“Angel I am very aware that you, that how you feel about me, compared to how you feel about her…” Cordy couldn’t seem to finish the sentence. How do you tell someone that you know you will always be their second choice?
How can someone so strong be so insecure about this one thing? Angel wished she had more faith in his love for her. But then, he hadn’t really given her many reasons to feel that way.
“Cordy. Stand up,” he ordered. When she did, he shifted so he was sitting up, then he pulled her back down, cuddling her in his lap. He just held her for a minute, taking his time to plan what he would say. It was very important that she understand.
“How I feel about you, it’s, it’s not something I can compare to anything. Not Buffy, not anyone. Nothing I’ve seen or read or felt in 250 years.”
“But you and Buffy were soul-mates.”
Angel held back a growl. “You know, I’ve had it up to here with this soul-mate crap. Buffy and I weren’t soul mates, we were just in love. And do I think that you and I are soul mates, that we were destined to be? No. You and I met again in LA by pure and simple chance. The luckiest coincidence in the world. And I fell in love with you because of who you are and who you make me, not because of something pre-ordained. Destiny is bullshit.”
He felt her body tense as it prepared to interrupt him again. He squeezed her tightly. “Let me finish. That day, in the basement when I told you I’d never known anyone like you? I can’t CONCIEVE of anyone being remotely like you. So I don’t know there are the right words to describe how I feel about you. I only know that I’ve never felt this way before—I’ve never felt so much before.”
She was silent but her hands had started tracing interesting patterns on his shoulder. He kissed the top of her head. “Better?” he asked.
She pulled her head off his shoulder and smiled at him. In answer she brushed a soft dry kiss on his lips. He sighed. “We need to get back to the hotel,” he reminded her.
“We?” Cordy really would have preferred staying away from the hotel for a little while.
“Yes WE.” He stood up with her still in his arms and Cordelia couldn’t help but give a small shiver of delight. I could really get into dating a guy who can pick me up without groaning or making cracks about cutting down on dessert. “Connor’s teething,” Angel continued, “and you aren’t making me go through that alone. Plus, you and Buffy—”
OH SHIT! I forgot about Buffy. Cordy wiggled until Angel put her back down. “She tried to hit me when she thought it was just me and my one-sided crush on you! She’s going to really kick my ass now.”
“She won’t try to kick your ass. And, hey, even if she did, you know how to defend yourself now.” Angel felt a thrill at the thought of how much fun training sessions were going to be after this.
She sent him a withering glance. “No offence to your training abilities Angel, but your spinny kicky move, versus her Kung-Foo Slayer strength? She’s going to Slayer-ize me! Or Slayer-tize me, which ever is more painful!”
Angel knew she was genuinely a little worried but it was hard to keep a straight face. She was so amazing. So funny and impulsive and…alive. . He grinned at her. “I wonder if I’m ever not going to be surprised by what comes out of your mouth.”
She smiled and raised her eyebrows at him. “Yeah, well just think how surprised you’ll be by what can come into my mouth.” Wow, I’m naughty.
Angel’s brain shut down as all the borrowed blood in his body rushed to a place that wasn’t his head. When he finally could speak, it was barely coherent.
“You, uh, you…until that whole business with the curse and the soul and the,” he took an unnecessary breath, “happiness,” he squeaked, “until all that is solved, never say that again. Ever. Never.”
She giggled. He pushed her towards her bedroom. “Go. Change. We need to get back to the hotel.” She rolled her eyes but headed in to her room, leaving Angel in the living room to contemplate just what could come in her mouth.
