Part 21: Hitting the Fan
Cordelia hadn’t come to the Hyperion with the intention of getting into it with Buffy. She had finagled her way out of the hospital and had only stopped by to let the gang know—then go home to her ghost and her bed and put this whole disastrous weekend behind her.
She hadn’t been able to sleep more than a few hours at the hospital and she was choosing to blame that on the unfamiliar setting and not the reoccurring flashbacks she was getting of Angel and Buffy. She would figure out what to do about them and their goddamn eternal love later.
Every time she thought of the two of them together, of finding them like that, heat rushed into her cheeks and her heart started pounding. She felt so stupid. How could she have thought she and Angel had a chance? Maybe, maybe if there was no Buffy, it might have happened. But there most definitely was a Buffy and her place, as always, was in Angel’s arms.
At least she hadn’t done anything incredibly lame, like confessing how she felt about Angel. The fact that she hadn’t gotten the chance to tell him was the only thing letting her save face right now, the only thing saving her from total and utter mortification.
And now, here she was, starting shit with Buffy. Was it because she was jealous, was this about Angel? Cordelia tried hard to be honest with herself and she really didn’t think that was it. It was Buffy’s refusal to see her in any way different from the Cordelia Chase she was circa 1999 that was prompting this. It was her off-kilter reaction that pushed Cordelia to stop eavesdropping and speak up.
And now that she was gonna open her big fat mouth, she might as well go all the way.
“You know why Buffy,” Cordy heard herself saying before she realized she was even talking out loud. “You know why you can’t admit that people change, that I’ve changed.”
Buffy jumped and Xander and Willow’s heads whipped around toward the door, where Cordelia stood. Trust the Slayer to recover quickly. She was always good under pressure.
“I don’t know what you are talking about,” Buffy said.
Cordelia accepted the fact that this wasn’t going to go away. This needed to be dealt with, and hadn’t she always prided herself on her ability to cut through the bullshit?
“How can you say people can’t change, that they don’t change? Buffy, look at Wesley. And Willow—tell me that whole gayness thing isn’t a teeny bit of a change from our days in high school. Hell, even Xander is less of a retard now.” Xander smiled inanely at that last part, then frowned, unsure if he had just been complimented or insulted.
“Don’t talk about Xander like that,” Buffy shot back. Xander frowned more—judging from Buffy’s reaction, Cordelia HAD insulted him.
Cordelia would not be deterred. “Don’t try to change the subject. What about Angel, Buffy? He’s changed. You know that. Everyone here can see that—it’s what makes working with him and knowing him so rewarding.” Cordy sighed and stepped closer to the group. “But then, of course Angel’s changed. That’s part of the reason you’re so scared.”
“I’m not scared of anything,” Buffy said, hoping that she didn’t sound like a petulant child.
“You’re scared to death that he’s changed. You’re scared that those changes might mean the end of the Angel and Buffy saga that we’ve all watched so faithfully all these years. And being in love with Angel is just about the only thing you have right now that you trust, that you don’t doubt. Loving Angel right now is what makes you feel safe.” Cordelia was actually rather impressed with herself. She sounded all psychological, like a member of the debate team or something.
A malicious gleam came to Buffy’s eye. She had, after all, been trained to look for weakness and use it to her advantage in a battle. And she had a pretty idea what Cordelia’s Achilles heel might be.
“Interesting that you bring up loving Angel. Something you know all about, I’m sure.”
For a minute there was silence. Cordy swore she could hear everyone breathing, everyone’s heart breathing. Was this what it was like for vampires, this ultra-awareness? All of the sudden she was noticing a hundred details. The way Willow tilted her head and bit one side of her bottom lip when she was puzzled. The fact that Xander compulsively cracked his knuckles when he was tense. The appearance of Spike from the doorway to the basement.
Buffy went in for the kill. “Admit it Cordelia. You want Angel so bad it hurts. That’s why you are here today, picking a fight with me. Because you are jealous about what you saw last night. You’ve always wanted everything I had. Dating Xander, keeping in touch with Willow—god, your little Christmas cards were so pathetic. Then you come to LA and turn yourself into Angel’s little gal Friday? When are you going to realize that no matter how you worm your way into peoples lives, you will never BE me.”
“Thank GOD.”
Buffy did a little “Pfft” sound of her own. “Are you going to stand there and deny that you are trying to steal my boyfriend? Well, Cordelia, are you?”
***
Angel went completely still as he waited for Cordelia to answer Buffy’s question. As seconds seemed to slow to milli-seconds, he nervously glimpsed over at his fellow eavesdropper, Lorne, who offered a quirky half-smile and nothing more. So very much was riding on how Cordelia answered this question. He knew he shouldn’t expect her to make some grand proclamation of love in front of Buffy and her friends.
But damn it, I need to know how she feels.
***
Buffy wants me to deny trying to steal her boyfriend, Cordy thought. Done. “Am I trying to steal Angel away from you? Absolutely not,” Cordy answered, unaware that on the stairs a vampire’s heart had just been broken.
Willow bit her lip to hold down the urge to argue with what Cordy had said. Buffy wasn’t quite so controlled.
“Yeah, right,” she said. “Like you aren’t in love with Angel.”
Cordelia realized she needed to clarify. “I’m denying that I’m trying to steal your boyfriend Buffy, because Angel’s not your boyfriend. But, yes,” Cordelia went on, realizing she’d rather admit the truth than join Buffy on the train to Denial-ville, “you’re right. I’m totally head over heels in love with him.” She waited a second for Willow to gasp and Xander’s jaw to drop. She wasn’t disappointed, although Willow didn’t look quite as surprised as Cordy would have predicted.
Wow, letting that out really wasn’t that hard. But of course, it’s not like telling Angel. Which I clearly won’t be doing anytime in the near future. But who really cares if the Scoobies know? They’re leaving soon. As long as no one who matters finds out, it’s fine. Hey, it’s almost therapeutic.
“I admit that because, while I may be the tactless manipulative bitch that you think I am, unlike you, I’m not a liar.”
“I AM NOT A LIAR,” Buffy shouted, as if Cordelia had just accused her of eating babies for breakfast or something equally horrid.
Feeling much calmer and confident now that she was starting to see the effect she was having on the Slayer, Cordelia went on in a soft quiet voice. “Oh really? I’m guessing you’ve been lying to yourself for quite a while now. You tell yourself that you’ve got everything under control, you tell yourself that what you’re doing to Spike is okay because he’s a vampire—”
“What’s she doing to Spike?,” Xander asked. Everyone ignored him.
“You tell yourself that you’re still in love with Angel, that you haven’t changed at all.”
“I haven’t,” Buffy said firmly.
“Of course you have. Jesus, Buffy, it’s not a bad thing. We’re supposed to change, to grow up. It’s okay that you’re not the same girl that you were when you first came to Sunnydale. It’s okay that you have different needs and desires than you did when you were 16. It’s even okay if those needs and desires include Spike.”
Buffy looked nervously at her two friends, who were currently staring at her with confused expressions on their faces. “I, I don’t know what you are talking about. YOU don’t know what you are talking about.”
Wanna bet? “Oh, I think I do. I know what it’s like to change. I know what it’s like to feel guilty for wanting someone. I know what it’s like to realize I want someone I would have once been repelled by, someone off limits.” Cordy wondered if maybe she was sharing a little too much here.
Buffy smirked. “Gee golly gosh Cordelia, have you told Angel about the big crush?”
Cordelia shrugged. “No, and honestly I probably never will. I understand the realities of that situation. I know my chances of getting what I want. But Buffy, at least I am woman enough to admit what I want. You won’t even do that—and you KNOW how Spike feels about you. Unlike me, you have a chance of getting what you want. And what do you do? You throw that chance away, over and over and over again. Spike, you know he—”
“Shut up,” Buffy said, between clenched teeth. She started to walk over to Cordelia.
Oh no, this isn’t done yet. “Love doesn’t always have to be tragic and painful. You and Spike, it could work. You could be happy and….” Cordelia didn’t finish the sentence. Buffy stood only inches in front of her and it was a little intimidating.
“SHUT UP!!!” Even Buffy looked a little surprised when that came out as a scream.
***
Angel handed the baby to Lorne. In the past three minutes, he figured he had just been through every human emotion known to man. At first, when he thought Cordelia was denying that she felt anything beyond friendship for him, it was like the world was ending. And then…..She had said it. Cordelia had gone and told Buffy that she was in love with him. And to be honest, Angel almost blacked out.
It was such an overwhelming admission, one he had prayed for and yet, realistically, never expected. He had never been hit by a train before, but he imagined it feeling somewhat similar.
It had taken a few moments to realize that downstairs, Buffy and Cordy were still talking. As Cordy continued to push Buffy’s buttons, a small tiny prick of fear rose up in him. Buffy was sworn to protect humans, but at the same time, there was nothing stopping her from hurting them. Plus Cordy isn’t entirely human now so Buffy might think knocking her around is okay.
Now, seeing his ex yelling, Angel decided he might have to do something. He wouldn’t let Cordelia be hurt.
***
When Buffy yelled, Cordy couldn’t help but flinch a little, and she hated herself for it. The first rule of Queen-C-hood was: Never let them see you sweat, never show fear. Well, when the Chosen One loses her temper and you’re the one she’s pissed at, it’s a little hard not to sweat. Oh well, too late to turn back now.
“You consistently use him Buffy, you know you do, and then you throw his love for you in his face. While he just stands there and takes it.” Looking over Buffy shoulder, Cordy’s eyes met Spikes and she silently apologized for making his business so very public.
“Damn it Cordelia, I swear to God, if you don’t shut up…Spike is a monster.”
Cordelia took a deep breath and looked her in the face. “So is Angel.”
She would have said more but her thought process was somewhat distracted by Buffy’s hand reaching out and arching toward her face. She braced herself for the blow and opened her eyes when it never came. Spike stood in front of her now, his hand gripped around Buffy’s still raised arm.
Before she could blink Spike was yanking Buffy away. But he wasn’t keeping her silent. “Don’t you dare compare Spike to Angel. Spike is disgusting. He’s a bloodsucker. He’s a killer Cordy, just like he always was.”
Cordelia briefly wondered if Buffy knew she was crying. “Tell yourself that,” Cordy simply said.
“I tell myself that because it’s true. Wanting him, it’s sick and it’s twisted and gross and wrong,” Buffy said.
Spike had let her go once he realized that she posed no danger to Cordelia. Buffy, sobbing now, sank down onto the couch. Oddly, none of the Sunnydale crew moved to comfort her.
“He loves you,” Cordy stated quietly.
Buffy pulled her head up out of her hands, her wet, tear-ravaged eyes looking right at Cordelia. “Spike doesn’t know what love is. Only one man has ever loved me,” she pronounced solemnly.
“Well, there was Riley,” Xander admitted.
“And Xander, don’t forget Xander,” Willow added, unable to help herself.
“Hey,” Xander scowled at his best friend.
Cordelia sent a withering glance her ex-boyfriend’s way. “Look, Buffy, I know you and Angel had the tragic endless love to end all loves. I am in no way trying to diminish that.” Okay, maybe I am, just a little. After all, I’m only human. Mostly human.
“I know the story, how Angel left because he thought it would be best for you and how leaving almost killed him. I’d just like to point out that Spike, he never left Buffy. He stays with you and LETS you kill him. But he stays. If that’s not love….”
Buffy looked over at Spike, realizing for the first time that he was in the room. In the silence that followed Cordelia, everyone seemed to be taking a moment to recover and get their bearings back.
Suddenly, Cordy had that feeling. Lately she had been getting much better at sensing when everyone’s favorite vampire with a soul was nearby. She had really been liking the fact that he wasn’t able to sneak up on her anymore. But now…Please, God, please let me be wrong. Please don’t let this happen.She sucked up her courage and gave the room a good scan. There he was, standing halfway up the stairs, with Lorne right next to him bouncing Connor. Judging by the expression on Angel’s face, he had heard a lot. For a brief moment their eyes met and Cordelia tried to figure just how much he had overheard. He started to move forward and Cordy’s hand shot up. It had the desired effect and he froze in his descent.
Cordelia couldn’t deal with this. Not now. Not ever probably. “I, um, the cab’s waiting for me.” Need to leave. So need to get out of here. “I just stopped by, I never meant to…I just stopped by to tell you I was released from the hospital. Gonna go now.” Lord I sound ridiculous. “I need to get home…let Dennis know I’m okay, so anyway, I’ll…. I need to go.”
There’s no shame in running away. Okay, there’s loads of shame, but shame can just kiss my ass right now.
She was out the door before anyone could respond.
