Part 37
Gunn, Wesley, and Fred all looked at each other in surprise then at Angel.
“Um, Angel, is something wrong?” Wesley got up. Regardless of what he said to Gunn, Wesley hadn’t expected to see Angel and Cordelia for a while, certainly not only after a couple of hours.
“No.”
“Yes.” Cordelia said loudly as she scooted past Angel.
“Oh that explains it.” Gunn nodded in understanding.
“Explains what?” Cordelia pushed the black man’s feet out of an empty chair and took their place.
“Why you ain’t still locked up there- you two have decided to share your argument.” Gunn grunted.
“We aren’t arguing.” Cordelia said. “Angel was just about to go on a crash destructor course with Wolfram & Hart. I suggested that we all talk about it.”
Angel stood at the doorway with his arms crossed.
“What’s to talk about,” Gunn huffed. “I’m all for kicking some lawyer’s assess. What’s the plan? How do we cause the damage?”
Fred wrinkled her brow. “Killing the spell caster wasn’t enough the last time and putting Lilah in the hospital didn’t seem to discourage her. Killing her would be a discouragement. But, then again, we don’t know where she is.”
“The vamp will just have to bang up some more lawyers, they’re some left- we’ll find the evil bitch.”
Cordelia’s eyes widened going quickly back and forth from Gunn and Fred. Gunn, okay, maybe. But sweet Fred was sitting their seriously talking about killing Lilah, a human, well sort of but she did count as one. Cordelia’s gaze went to Wesley. Why hadn’t he said anything?
“Wesley, don’t just sit there like a British bump on a log. They’re talking about killing Wolfram & Hart lawyers.”
“No, we are talking about preventing Wolfram & Hart from continuing to place you in peril. I agree wholeheartedly that their attempts to fulfill the prophecy must be stopped.”
“By killing lawyers?” Cordelia retorted.
“If that is what it takes, Cordelia,” Wesley answered calmly.
“Okay, what screwy time change happened now?” She looked around at her friends.
“There has been no change.” Wesley assured.
“Oh, right, because we’ve always condone Angel letting lawyers die in his pursuit of his ego-centric vengeance.”
“Condoning vengeance? No, Cordelia. The situation we are talking about is entirely different than what happened before. This is not a matter of revenge but one of priorities.”
“Priorities- our priority is the mission not…”
“Our priority,” Wesley interrupted. “Is you.”
“I’m not…” Cordelia looked again around the room every occupant had the same determined expression as Wesley, except for Angel. The vampire’s appearance remained impassive his dark eye’s unreadable.
She shot up from her chair going straight for Angel. “I won’t let you put me before the mission.”
“Cordelia,” Wesley stood, knowing that Angel’s response would not be one that the young woman would like or accept. “You are the priority because Wolfram & Hart have made you one. If the prophecy succeeds not only would you be lost to us but also Angel would be damned. Where would the mission be then? No seer, no warrior.”
Cordy turned and stared at her friend.
“Yes, there is a bigger picture out there. This is not just about you. Angel isn’t being the egocentric one here.”
“Wha…” Cordelia gapped at Wesley.
Angel moved from the wall. He had wanted the others to tell Cordelia make her understand that Wolfram & Hart had to be dealt with but Wesley had gone too far. “Wesley, that’s…”
“Had to be said,” Wesley commented, maintaining his calm composure. He knew as well as everyone in the room that to Angel it was all about Cordelia. The young woman would fight against any plan to attack Wolfram & Hart based on that reason. Cordy had to be given a scenario that she would understand and his rendition would be acceptable because it was also true.
Cordelia fidgeted, chewing on her lip, her brow screwed up in thought. She slowly nodded. “I’m sorry,” she whispered to Angel.
All impassivity left the vampire’s face. “Cordy, you don’t have anything to apologize for.”
“I wasn’t thinking about the prophecy. I just jumped down your throat.”
“Cordy,” Angel started.
“Angel, Cordy, possibly we should start on discussing our plans. I do believe that what we will need is something with more thought rather than you,” Wesley held Angel’s glare firmly,” threatening more lawyers.”
“I..” Cordelia sighed. “I’m…” she haphazardly jerked her hand in the air. ”Going up stairs for a little bit, I think….all this,” she kept moving her hand, “soul hopping, time traveling thing has made me more tired than I thought.”
Part 38
“Wesley, there was no need…” Angel turned on the man once Cordelia left the room.
“Angel, Cordelia needed to accept any future focus on the law firm. Isn’t that why you agreed to ‘discuss’ a course of action that you had already decided on?” Wesley shook his head.
“You wanted to avoid an argument with her and used us to do it. However, I will not be irritated because I do agree that we have to take preventive measures and that will be accomplished with more ease if Cordelia’s not dwelling on the misguided belief that she is responsible for any harm that will come to the members of Wolfram and Hart that ARE the responsible parties.”
“Egocentric, Wesley, that was wrong and it hurt her. I didn’t want that.”
“I am sorry about that, but it was necessary. Cordelia will now be behind any plan against Wolfram & Hart. You and the mission are her first priorities. The reminder of the prophecy and its danger to you and the mission will assure it.”
Angel shook his head turning to leave.
“Angel,” Wesley called.
The vampire paused.
“Cordy was right. Revenge, while understandably tempting, isn’t what needs to happen. We do need to discuss this.”
“Not now.” He shot over his shoulder as he left.
Gunn walked to the door. “That’s a quick change. Five minutes ago, I could’ve sworn that the vamp was biting at the bit for a full frontal assault, now he’s heading back upstairs.”
Fred pursed her lips. “That’s because Wesley hurt Cordy’s feelings.”
Wesley sighed at the young woman’s disapproving tone. “It had to be done.” There were times that being the boss was extremely discouraging.
***
Cordelia stared at the patterns of the comforter silently berating herself. She hadn’t been thinking about the prophecy, just about her own needs but Angel and the others were right. Wolfram & Hart had to be dealt with before the law firm tried a time spell again.
They had been lucky so far, but they couldn’t take the chance that the next time Angel would be damned. She would be okay. Preventing the prophecy was more important than her self-indulgence in Angel’s arms. But, god, she was so tired of hiding behind manufactured bravery.
All Cordelia wanted was to hide away with Angel. She shook her head. No. What she really wanted was for the prophecy to cease to be a threat to Angel and her family. Cordelia would deal with her residual fear later.
Angel leaned up against the door watching as Cordelia sat crossed legged on the bed plucking at sheets a forlorn expression on her lovely face.
“Cordy, don’t.” He moved to the bed kneeling at her feet.
“Don’t what, Angel,” she looked up. “Don’t feel stupid for railing on you for being right, for assuming you were going beige, for forgetting about the prophecy, for being EGOCENTRIC,” she rolled her eyes in self-disdain.
“Cordelia, don’t do this.” Angel couldn’t let her feel guilty. What had he thought earlier about not letting any lies or misunderstanding stand as obstacles? “You weren’t wrong to question my motives.” Angel lifted his hand to her face. “You are MY priority, the prophecy only important in that it puts you in danger, the mission is important but not as important as you.” He said sincerely.
“Angel.”
“Cordelia, you don’t want to hear it so I don’t say it. But it is true and as much as you want to deny it, you know that every time I say I love you or,” his fingers brushed at the scars on her neck, “ mark you that’s what I’m saying- that whatever the danger to you I will do anything to destroy it regardless of the cost. You don’t want that and I don’t want you to feel responsible for my feelings, instinct, or actions. Cordelia, you AREN’T. I am a vampire with the same instincts as every vampire we kill. I just have a soul. The soul gives me a conscious and is the reason I don’t act on those instincts.
But there are some that are so ingrained that to struggle against them would be almost impossible, blood drinking for one and protecting you another and honestly, I don’t want to struggle against my need to protect you. But, for you, I won’t act blindly on that need just like I won’t feed on human. You’re right, you didn’t become revenge girl,” he tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “But, you did know that this particular plot of Wolfram & Hart had to stop.”
Cordelia brought her knees up to her chest, slowly getting angry, as she comprehended Angel’s words. He hadn’t left her to prevent the law firm from trying to use the prophecy but to satisfy his need to be all vamp protective, willing to leave her alone and scared, to do it.
“The blood analogy really fills that lack of warm and fuzzies I seem to be having right now. Any reason that you didn’t just come right out with that ‘sweet’ spanky hallmark sentiment before.”
“I didn’t want to argue with you.” Angel responded cautiously. Warning bells were ringing in his head. He didn’t understand her tone and that was not a good thing. Angel gulped a little and continued.
“I knew that the others would agree that going after Wolfram & Hart was the right thing. I didn’t know however that Wesley would take it so far,” he scowled. “Egocentric isn’t you. He knows it. He shouldn’t have said it.”
Cordelia peered up at the vampire, her tone cold. “I don’t believe you. You set them up to avoid dealing with it yourself and now you’re mad because it didn’t go according to some asinine script you had in mind.”
“Are we going to argue?” Angel slightly cringed as he asked hesitantly.
“I should rip you a new asshole for this duck and avoid AND for making me get dressed for your over anxious need to go out and appease your inner demon. Hmmph, glad to know that particular instinct is greater than any so-called instinct to ravish and plunder. You do realize don’t you, that I expected to be in this bed WITH you and that particular ‘instinct’ for a bit longer. But nooooo, you had to get not only vamp protective but sneaky. Like any plan against Wolfram & Hart couldn’t have waited for a couple of days. Yeah, I’m pissed.”
Angel raised his brows. “Um. So. Cordy, is there anyway that I could, I don’t know, make you not pissed.”
“This isn’t a come on, so put it back in your pants.” Cordelia narrowed her eyes at Angel’s attempt to lighten the mood. “You know what you can do, you can get the time spell and go back a couple of hours and get a freakin clue. Did it ever occur to you that for the last two days that I’ve been…” Cordelia took a deep breath attempt to keep her voice from trembling.
“Alone and SCARED to death. Can you even COMPREHEND what it was like sitting in that stupid library, not knowing how I got there, not being able to ask Giles or Buffy for help, but still maintaining hope because if it was another evil lawyer’s scheme I had at least you…” she waved her hand in the air in frustration.
“I mean the Sunnydale version of you to go to if Angelus did show up before you and Wesley figured it out. That version even if he was madly in love with Buffy would’ve had to believe me, would’ve had to have helped me because of the these damn things.” Cordelia slapped her neck
“he couldn’t go hide in the shadows with his mark on me. But no, I had to hear from a whiny teary Buffy moaning that she couldn’t kill her evil ass boyfriend. Do you have any idea how scared I was? And guess what, Angelus 1 showed up. I was ALONE and SCARED with TWO Angelus. But you can’t think about that because all you can think or feel is your own fear, your own anger, your need to protect, your fuckin’ INSTINCTS.”
Angel resisted the urge to protest or move to the young woman. The vampire didn’t need a clue to know that he would have to wait or get slapped in real anger. God, what had happened? He forced his feet and mouth to stay immobile but it was killing him underneath the anger, he saw the tears struggling against the young woman’s will.
Cordelia blinked and looked away, closing her eyes. “When I say I love you, when I let you mark me- I’m not only saying that I love you but that I NEED you to feel safe that you MAKE me feel safe. But you can’t be bothered. Oh wait, that’s not fair, you don’t even see it because it’s not a need generated by ‘Oooh vamp instincts’. Maybe you should turn me, then you wouldn’t even have to pretend to understand.”
Angel was now truly frightened. Whatever clue he thought he had wasn’t even close to what was happening in front of him. Cordelia was right; he needed to go back and change that last hour. This wasn’t the ranting and raving of a pissed Cordelia. It was a seriously hurt young woman. Angel was at a loss and he hated himself for it.
“Cordy?” Angel tried, the guilt apparent on his handsome face.
“Oh get over the flip switch to the guilt mode. I’ll be fine.” Cordelia stood straighter the tears gone. “Go plan your ‘strategy’ against Wolfram & Hart. I don’t need you.” She turned away.
Angel stared at the rigid back. Now he was getting angry. Cordelia was shutting him out. That was unacceptable she was his. Angel closed his eyes. That had to stop.
Angel took a tentative step closer, slowly approaching the young woman, reaching out.
Cordelia flinched and jerk away at the touch. “Don’t.”
Angel choked on his growl and jabbed his fists in his pockets. “Please turn around and look at me.”
“Why so you can apologize -do you even know what you would be apologizing for?” Her stance remained fixed. “Or would it just be your standard knee jerk brood mode kicking in.”
Angel took a deep breath. “I can’t apologize for my need to protect you, but I can apologize for not understanding, for not thinking beyond myself.”
Cordelia slowly turned around. “Is this where I’m supposed to run into your arms and tell you that it’s okay, everything will be alright? Where I boost the emotionally deficient vampire with a soul up.”
Angel flinched as if he had been hit, his anger creeping out against his will. “If I’m so limited why are you here in my bed. Sex? Is that is what it’s about. Fine, let’s have sex. I think I could get you to scream in pleasure.”
“Ooh, shades of Angelus coming out. Hit where the victim is vulnerable, pick a weakness and go for the kill. Was that good for you? I found it especially enlightening. Hey, maybe I’m having my own epiphany.”
“God Damn’t Cordelia, stop this. This is getting out of control.” Angel swung her around to face him, his anger fleeing at the sound of her coldness.
“Then maybe you should just figure out how to fix it. After all, isn’t that what you ‘have to do for me’ fix it?”
“Yes.” Angel’s eyes closed. “Yes.” He pulled the young woman into his arms, holding tight. He wasn’t sure why Cordelia wasn’t struggling. He didn’t know if that was a good thing or not. But he couldn’t let her move any further from him. He had to fix this.
“Cordy,” Angel said softly into the hair that coated her neck. “I. Love. You. You have given so much to me over the years. Your blunt honesty, your limitless friendship, your trust, your heart, your love…and with your love you went even further and gave me your body and your blood. Cordy, you gave me you, all of you. I have to protect you. You are too precious to ever lose. But in the wonder of what you have given me and in how much I need you,
I never believed, understood, that you would need me except for the obvious physical protection. I accepted that you loved me for some lucky reason but NOT need. Cordy, I’m stronger physically, but you are stronger in every other area. You know yourself, you trust yourself, you believe in yourself. I do apologize because I do know you and I do know you feel greatly. I just…” Angel rubbed his lips along the unmarked skin of her neck.
“You are always so strong even with Angelus. My greatest fear for you, you kept at bay every time. You beat Angelus. I’m sorry, because while I was amazed when I was Angelus that you snapped retorts and escaped each time, I did know you were scared. I just didn’t realize how much because the courage and strength were always so effective.”
“So this is my fault because I don’t whimper and whine enough.” She said softly peering up at him.
Angel studied the young woman in his arms. The tension had relaxed in her muscles. “If I say yes will you hit me?” Angel tested the waters, hoping that their love was stronger than the stressed demeanor of the both of them.
“Yes,” she held his eyes.
“Then I won’t. I’ll just say that I’ve been relying too much on your strengths. It’s time that I got my own, not just saying it, or nodding it, or grunting it but saying it and accepting them. You DO need me. And if my choice is holding you until you feel safe or protecting you, I will hold you…Well, unless the threat is immediate and then the holding will have to be later.”
Cordelia narrowed her eyes. “Who gets to judge if it’s ‘immediate’?”
Angel took a deep breath. “Wesley?”
Cordelia pursed her lips and scrunched her brow. “You do learn. Okay, go ask Wesley if the Wolfram & Hart threat is ‘immediate’.”
Angel gulped. “You will let me hold you?”
“Maybe, if Wesley says it’s okay.”
“Oh.” Angel blinked. “Oh, be right back.”
Cordelia slumped on the bed as the vampire darted out of the room. She probably had over reacted. But, she had been scared and Angel had just been willing to leave her. Sure, he would’ve come back if he wasn’t killed. Cordelia rubbed her palms in her eyes.
Had she been unfair? She didn’t know anymore. Cordelia had just wanted Angel to stay with her, make her forget her fear and make her stronger. She hadn’t wanted to be the reason for a full assault on Wolfram & Hart. It would be useless and have a painful outcome. Or had she been wrong? Had she been-was she egocentric? She knew she used to be.
Oh god. Cordelia didn’t know anymore and she was still scared.
Part 39
The occupants of the room jumped as Angel rushed in. “Wes.”
Wesley cleared his throat and stood. “Yes.”
“Is the threat of Wolfram & Hart immediate.”
“Well, yes.”
“IMMEDIATE or just,” Angel fidgeted and shrugged his shoulders. “Immediate.”
Wesley puzzled at the distinction. “The threat is real. They will continue their objective until we disabuse them of it efficacy.”
Angel nodded. “And that has to be done now?”
Wesley had no idea if the vampire wanted a yes or no. From prior experience he would say that Angel wanted a yes. Hell. It was Wesley’s prior experience that made him amazed that Angel even asked and not just acted.
“We are discussing some options. It would be helpful of course if we all contributed.” Wesley answered the best way he knew how.
“Oh, so you don’t have a plan.”
“Uh, no.”
“And you’re okay with not having a plan ‘right now’. Or do you think I should go to Wolfram & Hart now.”
“No, I don’t think that would be wise…Angel, what is this about.”
Angel waved away Wesley’s question. “So you do think it would be wise if we waited until you had a plan to act even though the threat is immediate.”
“I know that may be difficult for you but yes.” Wesley tried to gauge the vampire’s reaction and was totally out of the ballpark in Angel’s response.
Angel nodded. “Okay, just come and get me when you get a plan. Knock.” Angel ran out of the room.
“Okay, did anyone understand that?”
Gunn shook his head as he rubbed it.
Fred shrugged.
***
Angel calmed his racing feet, walking to the closed door. Please. He opened it.
He wanted to run back down the stairs at the sight. Killing lawyers was so much easier to understand. “Cordy?” he went to the slumped woman on the bed.
He had the impossible urge to faint in relief when she raised her eyes with a slight smile.
“I’m sorry.”
“Cordy, I thought we covered that.”
“I…was unfair.”
Angel figured a quick no was safer than trying to figure what the hell the young woman was talking about. Okay, he would figure it but not until she was in his arms.
“Cordy,” he added. “Wesley hasn’t figured out a plan yet, it’s immediate but NOT IMMEDIATE.”
Cordelia cocked her head. “Oh.”
Angel moved to the bed.
Cordelia shifted a little. “Angel, I don’t…”
“Just let me hold you, that’s all, please. You tell me when you feel safe.”
She scrunched up her brows again. “Until Wesley ups the immediate to IMMEDIATE.”
“It’s his call.” Angel shrugged.
Cordelia let out a gentle laugh. “Okay, hold me.”
Angel reached for the young woman urging her to the bed curling his body around hers clutching her tightly. “Okay.”
“The quickness was nice and the arms are nice.” Cordelia breathed in scrunching her body closer to his nuzzling into the arm that cuddled around her.
***
Cordelia squirmed as she woke. She had no idea how long she slept but it felt like a lifetime, but no matter how long she felt safe. Silly. Cordelia had no idea why she thought she wouldn’t. Right, because the strong arms had left her before she was ready to roll all of her fear into the strength that Angel so much admired.
Still, she had been unfair. She had expected Angel to read her mind and needs. Cordelia should have just told him that she wasn’t ready for him to leave her.
Cordelia rolled on top of the sleeping vampire. “Angel,” she whispered nudging at the solid form. Great. The dead really do sleep dead. She was about to get up, when a strong hand refused to let her move.
“If you are about to bounce on the bed or claim charity for morning dumb birds, I will kill you.”
Cordelia scrunched her brows. “Hmmph.”
“Damn’t Cordelia, you have to pretend to believe at least some of my threats some of the time.” He groaned. “I’ll start wearing pastels.” He tried again.
“Angel, you don’t even know what pastels are.”
“I do too.” He grumbled.
Cordelia leaned up stretching her body along his. “Angel, I’m not that strong.” She said quietly. “And sometimes I get so tired of pretending. But, here with you, I don’t have to. I should’ve told you. I’m sorry.”
Angel opened his eyes at her suddenly serious tone. “You are strong, stronger than you realize,” he emphasized,” but when you doubt I won’t leave you alone.”
“You promise.” She licked her lips.
“Oh god, Cordy, you safe, feeling safe is really what I want. IT is as simple as that.”
“You make me feel safe.” She whispered.
“You settle for too little, but I’ll deal, because I will keep you safe.” Angel pushed back the dark strain of hair that caressed her cheek.
“Love me,” Cordelia asked softly.
“With great pleasure.” He brought her lips to him.