Title: Yet Another Surprise (Sequel to Unexpected Surprises)
Author: ficbitch82 (aka Angelicgal82)
Summary: Cordelia’s parents come back to the Hyperion to visit to find a now 16 year old grandson…
Spoilers: Everything in Season 3 INCLUDING Tomorrow… All the speculation about Connor except now he has a good relationship with C/A and Wesley’s been reinstated with the group… Uh, you should read Unexpected Surprises to get some of the humour in this… There’s a little speculation by me for Season 4 but nothing set in stone or anything…
Disclaimer: Not mine
Distribution: Anywhere, just ask…
Notes: Alice set this as a challenge over at Stranger Things. I’m so very sorry if it sucks, Alice… Here it is!
“Don’t take this literally but… Bite me!” Said Cordelia, shaking her head, “Since when have you been concerned with what I do in my spare time?”
“But there are going to be guys… LOOKING at you! Don’t you stay in shape enough training with me?”
“Well I might if we could actually get to the training, dork! The only exercise we get is our lips.”
“And that’s bad because…?”
“Angel, I’m only joining a gym for God’s sake!”
“Yeah, but that one where Marcus worked his mojo on…”
“Marcus is dead!” Yelled Cordelia, “He had a heart-attack, remember?”
“But what if there’s remnants or… Or traces, of magic?”
“Angel, this jealousy thing is getting really old.”
Sighing, Angel looked at his Seer, “But Cordy…”
“But Cordy nothing, I…”
She was getting adept at realising when the world was crashing down around her. She was getting even more adept at noticing when things were falling apart. This was one of those times. She could almost hear the death march playing in her head as her eyes settled down upon… The thing she called her Mother…
Angel looked down into the hotel and let out a sigh, ahhhh, the proverbial in-laws…
“Ewww, Mom, what are you doing?” She asked, rushing forward. There, sat her mother, practically draped across Connor, who sat there, a distinct look of “help” on his face.
“Just talking to the nice young man, honey. Lighten up,” Said Alara, with a smile, “Daddy wanted to come talk to Angel about investing some money and I thought I’d tag along.”
“Oh no,” Said Cordelia, “Dad’s here too?”
“Yes, and he’s mightily pissed I might add,” Said Alara, frowning, “We hunted all over for that place, couldn’t find a thing on it.”
“What place?” Asked Cordelia, puzzled.
“Uhm… Pi… Puliea? No… Oh! Pylea!”
Cordelia rolled her eyes and sighed, “Mom, do you think you could get off him?”
“I didn’t even find out his name,” Purred Alara, batting her eyelashes at Connor.
“Connor,” Said Connor simply, “My name is Connor.”
“Ooh, same as my Grandson… Speaking of, where is my darling boy…”
Cordelia waited… And waited… And waited… Watching her mother to see when (if ever) the penny would drop. It didn’t. “Mom?” Said the Seer bluntly, “You’re sitting on top of him.”
The shriek rang out throughout the hotel, drawing Aaron, Wesley, Gunn and Fred running into the lobby. Alara leapt back from her Grandson and gasped, “Oh… My… GOD… What the… How is that possible? The last time I saw him… He wasn’t even three feet tall!”
“Uhm… A lot’s happened?” Offered Cordelia with a sigh. Looking over at Angel, she noticed he was quite content to just stand back and let her deal with this. Okay, so this was her deal, they were her parents – they didn’t even get on with Angel all that well. Never actually had to be honest. First, he’d touched their daughter (oh my God!) and then, he’d successfully managed to have a hand in breaking her father’s nose on one of Connor’s toys, allowing for what would become the “Why Cordelia’s Parents Hate Your Father” stories to a very grown up Connor.
“A lot’s happened?” Her father’s voice boomed throughout the hotel and Angel realised, with a little hint of smugness, that his voice was tinged with nasal blockage – HA! Served him right! The guy was a jerk and besides, the rules that he had for Cordelia had been ridiculous.
“Dad, can I go out for a while?” Asked Connor from his seat.
“I said no…”
“God I hate you two.” Connor scowled, his Dad thought their rules were bad? What about his?
Rule Number 1. No dating. Ever. Women, with the exception of your Mommy and your Aunt Fred, are evil, completely. This includes that girl down the street that you’ve been making eyes over the ice cream counter at. Women, are evil. Given a chance, they’ll drive a stake through your heart (literally) so again, I reiterate. No dating. Ever.
“You wouldn’t be saying that if…”
“I know, I know! If the girl at the ice cream counter staked me! I got it…” He half-whined, thumbing through a magazine. He was bored – or at least he had been since the older woman who’d looked suspiciously like his Mom had draped herself across his lap and smiling, winningly at him. That had just progressed Connor into full on weirdness. Well, just think about it! Having a woman who looked like a suspiciously older version of your Mommy smiling and purring over you was pretty damned scary.
“Could you not call and tell us about this?” Asked Alara, frowning at her own child.
“Gee Mom, what did you want me to say? Oh hey, your Grandson has been kidnapped, taken to an alternate dimension and brought back as a 15 year old, you’d have had me committed!” She yelled.
“Damn right, I would have had you committed. I still think you’re crazy…”
Wisely, Angel pulled his Seer out into Wes’ office, “Breathe. Count to ten and breathe.”
“But… But…” She sputtered, “Angel, they’ve been here five minutes and they’re already driving me crazy!”
“Cordelia, they’ll be gone soon and…”
“Do we have a real hammer lying around?”
“Cordelia…” Said Angel warningly, “You know you wouldn’t…”
“Hey, they’re MY parents, I can kill them if I want to!”
“Since when did you become logic boy, anyway? You hate my parents.” She intoned, shaking her head.
“I hate your parents, yes. But I don’t want you to kill them…”
“Does that mean you will?” The hope in her voice almost made Angel chuckle, but even he knew when not to mess with certain death – the fact was, Cordelia’s parents were the high maintenance ones, especially her mother, but who got on with the in-laws anyway? Especially when your mother-in-law thought a demon was from the projects, her daughter needed to be admitted to a mental institution and that all vampires looked (or should look) like Tom Cruise a la Interview with the Vampire…
“No, Cordelia. I won’t kill your parents.”
“You’re such a jerk!” Said Cordelia, frowning, “You could end this whole thing and then my parents would be gone and… Ohhh, you could tell them the truth! That’d work!”
“You want me to explain to them that the whole thing – The whole we have a son together, so what if he’s 16 and his mothers only 21, that he was born to a surrogate mother who dusted herself so that he could be born, that his mother also happens to be half demon and the woman I love?”
“Yes! That’ll work! We want them to leave, not stay for explanations! I would really prefer not to go into all of it. It would just confuse them and raise more questions that we can’t answer.” Said Cordelia, her eyes drifting back towards her parents who sat stiffly to one side, “Angel, please! I swear, I’ll do anything…” Coyly, the brunette pressed herself against him and grinned, “And I mean, anything…”
As it happens, vampires can’t blush. And isn’t that a blessing in disguise? Unfortunately, vampires who don’t have a pulse and adrenalin pumping their bodies can get what the half-demon-Seer refers to as… A boner. Angel… Had a boner. And what red-blooded man-pire wouldn’t? Angel gulped, “Cordelia…”
Damnit, he could resist her. He could! He hadn’t developed years of restraint around women just to have her break it within a second and… Ohh, her lips were so soft and he could just reach out and take her into his arms and… “I said no.” Taking Cordelia by the shoulders he pushed her back slightly so that she stood, arms folded across her chest and glaring at him. “It won’t work, Cordelia. My answer is still no.”
Uh-oh, Thought Angel, One word answers… Arms folded across the chest… A glare. It all added up to one thing. Cordelia, pissed. Staring at her, Angel shook his head. His answer was no. Officially. He could stand the wrath of his Seer, he’d faced the Apocalypse before… This? Piece of cake.
“Are they possessed or something?” The first words upon entering the lobby of the hotel again heralded Cordelia’s parents, standing asking Connor if HIS parents were possessed. Truthfully, Connor didn’t know where to put himself so went and stood behind his mother, almost cowering at the sight of his grandmother positively BEAMING at him. He’d been warned about his grandmother…
Now, this, struck Connor as odd. Okay, so his mother was half-demon and only six years older than him, his father was a vampire and his uncle had kidnapped him, literally sending him packing to another dimension with his fathers sworn enemy and here he was, being given “Tips On How To Survive Your Grandparents.”
Rule Number 1: Don’t stand too close, if her hands can wander? They will.
And didn’t Angel know THAT one only too well? He recalled with shuddering clarity just how much his mother-in-law’s hands had wandered.
Rule Number 2: Try not to make eye-contact with either Grandparent. Female subject will launch into full-on Flirt Parade, resulting in major embarassment for Mother, while Male subject will want to know the ins and outs of your financial status, regardless of whether you are only an 8 month old baby.
As Cordelia had launched into this tirade, Angel had also recalled how Aaron had gone over his accounts time after time, just to make sure the vampire was seeing to his “grandson” properly. What they hadn’t banked on, however, was Angel being fed his son’s blood by none other than sucky law firm number one and going a little… Nutty… To say the least.
Alara had blamed it on an ‘episode’.
Rule Number 3: When in presence of Grandparents, you are to observe that parents are what can be considered a Holy Couple. They don’t kiss, hold hands, look at each other in anything other than a professional way. Father does not want hands/eyeballs/other bodily parts removed. This could result in pain.
By this time, Connor had gotten the impression that he was dealing with the Grandparents from Hell. He couldn’t have been closer to the truth if he’d tried. “Mom?” His grandmother was staring at him… He’d… MADE EYE CONTACT…
“Mom!” Cordelia’s voice broke into Alara’s reverie and she stared at her daughter, “He can’t be your son, Cordelia, honey. He’s almost old enough to be your… Oh lord, you and Angel aren’t…”
“MOM!” The brunette fumed, her Mom was suggesting that she and Angel… Eww! “I don’t even think that’s legal…”
“Oh, and he is?” Asked her mother, pointing to Angel, “He’s not legal… He’s…”
“He’s. What?” Asked Cordelia, punctuating every word she spoke with a twang that clearly suggested, ‘answer me wrong and pay the price’…
“Well, he’s a vampire.”
“I got that.” Said Cordelia, sarcastically, “Thanks.”
“Oh, you know what I mean, Cordelia. Don’t be petty.”
“Petty? How am I being petty, I…” She threw her hands in the air and shook her head, “This day just cannot get any worse.” She said glaring at Angel.
Angel frowned, that was like the big no-no of their world – was she deliberately tempting fate? You just did not say “This Day just cannot get any worse” or something else to that effect, that was like…
“M-O-M!” Cordelia stared at her mother who was fawning over Connor, pretending to flatten his collar. “Leave him ALONE!”
“I’m just making sure he looks nice, sweetie, don’t be so melodramatic.”
“Me?” Asked Cordelia, “Melodramatic? I…”
Connor’s cough effectively brought Cordelia from the attack she was about to launch – her father, as big as he was, had slapped him on the back, almost sending his ribcage through his chest and effectively making him cough. “So, Son, how much allowance do you get?”
“Dad! God, be careful he’s like… 8 month old…”
“I’m not eight month old!” Said Connor, indignantly, “I’m 16 years old…”
“Wait a minute, what?” Alara looked at her daughter, incredulously, “But how can he be…”
“Yes, that’s right.” Said Cordelia, “That is our son, he’s 16 years old, he was kidnapped and taken to an alternate dimension by a man who, by rights, should have been dead but went to a timeshifting demon asshole who Connor killed waaaaayyyy in the future. Then, Connor was brought back, locked Angel in a box, I was sent to the heavens by sucky law firm Wolfram and Hart whereupon a much skinnier, hairier Angel rescued me – I came home, now we’re playing happy families and before you say it I am NOT crazy!”
“Nor am I mentally challenged!”
“Well what if…”
“I’m not whatever other reason you have of rationalising this whole thing… Deal with it. Spank your inner moppet, MOVE ON! And stop hitting on your Grand-child! It’s gross!”
“Why couldn’t we have had a normal child? Was it something we did?” Asked Alara, frowning.
Cordelia threw her hands up in the air, “I give up! I really do!” She said as she stalked from the room.
Connor fidgeted nervously and Alara cooed, “Oh, he’s just like his father.”
* * * * *
“Please tell me they’re away home.” Said Cordelia, from the bedroom she shared with Angel, “Please?”
Angel nodded, his eyes sympathetic, “They’re gone. Your Dad’s looking on this as the son he never had but your Mom… Slightly wigging over the fact that she could be seen in public being called Grandma by a 16 year old…”
“That’s my Mom…” Said Cordelia, “Image is everything.”
“I remember when you were like that,” Said Angel softly, “Image was everything for you too and… What?”
“You are treading on VERY thin ice, buster. You tell me that I was anything LIKE my mother and I swear, I’ll do more than kill you, in fact I’ll…” Angel started to laugh as Cordelia launched into a tirade of obscenities and ducked as a pillow came flying towards his head. “Cordelia?”
“What?” She frowned, her hazel orbs glinting angrily in the relative light of the hotel room.
“You are absolutely nothing like your mother. In fact, she’s what Lorne would call… Off the cosmological map, which sure, you are too, but off it enough to be happy and on it enough to be healthy.”
Cordelia laughed, “Y’know, you’re kinda cute when you babble.”
Grinning, Angel prepared himself for the slap and caught her hand as it came down, “Your Mom thought so too…”
“You are SOOO paying for that!” She growled as she leapt on him.
And Angel smiled because truthfully, he hadn’t wanted it any other way…