Part 17
Angel glided through the darkened lobby of the hotel straight into his suite.
“Where have you been?” Cordelia glared as the vampire entered.
“Out.” Angel slowed standing still in front of the young woman, fighting the urge to crush her into him.
Cordelia waved away his answer. “No, stupid, where have you been for the last month. They said that Connor imprisoned you. Where? How? And where is Connor?” Cordelia rushed to Angel, clutching at his coat.
“Are you all right? Did he hurt you? Of course, he did. Damn. What did he do? Why? Are you all right? Why aren’t you answering me? They didn’t tell me anything except that you were imprisoned then loose. Which was good to hear- but I want to know the rest. Don’t just stand there like a dark brooding statue- I’m found- why aren’t you surprised, nevermind- start talking,” Cordelia demanded.
Angel put his hands on Cordelia’s shoulders and gently pushed, not wanting to believe but remembering Wesley’s warning. “Who are they, Cordelia? Where have you been.”?
Cordelia let out a snort of disgust, her hands gesturing in the air. “You wouldn’t believe me if I told you, I barely believe it and I was there. Stupid. But, it doesn’t matter now. I’m home. What matters are you and Connor -what happened? Is he here? Are you all right? You don’t look very good, too pale. Have you been eating?”
“Cordelia,” Angel said sharply. “Where have you been, you’ve been missing for over a month. Tell me.”
“I told you it doesn’t matter…Fine.” She grunted at Angel’s expression or rather lack of one. ” I was driving, everything went glowy and stopped, then there was Skip, telling me that because of the new powers that I’d been given, the PTB expected me to do more stuff for them, you know, other than just the visions. I agreed.” Cordelia let out another disgusted Hmmph. “Next thing I know I’m all bright and floaty.”
“The Powers took you?” Angel stepped back from the young woman.
Cordelia shook her head. “I thought so, but no- I was wrong. Stupid, it makes sense now, the vision I had before it all happened, well sort of makes sense. It wasn’t very clear. I just thought it was me telling me that I loved you. But no, it must’ve been a warning, though why the vision couldn’t showed a lot more clearly that Skip wasn’t Skip but some Wolfram & Hart Disney version of Pollyanna. Definitely a little girl that makes you never want to have kids. Sugar and spice.Pfft, yeah right. ” Cordelia started pacing in circles, waving her hands talking more to herself than Angel.
“Cordy.” Angel reached to stop the moving woman.
“Wolfram & Hart, staged this whole elaborate ascension to a higher destiny thing and I fell for it, hook, line and sinker. Stupid. That’s where I’ve been with those creeps. They let me go because they want me to turn you away from the mission, you know, the usual stuff. But, it’s not important, I’m back and I’m fine. What’s important are you and Connor.”
“And how did they expect you to do this?” Angel said softly walking closer to the young woman. The weight that Wesley’s warning had placed on his heart slowly lifted. The Conduits had been right, he needed to trust what he feared the most..His love for Cordelia.
Cordelia smiled brightly. “They hired me, huge salary, retirement and everything, got a new wardrobe as a signing bonus.” Cordelia scrunched up her face. “Well, a partial new wardrobe, they wouldn’t fly me to New York for the stuff I really wanted, said maybe later, after I prove to them that you’ve turned against the Powers. What?” she said at Angel’s expression.
“I needed new clothes, anyway, they deserved to be taken for as much money and stuff as I could take them for, they kept me prisoner and messed with my mind. Hmmph. The salary they can keep, but I’m not giving the clothes back. Pfft.”
“Are you sure they weren’t successful, I mean with the messing of the mind stuff.” A memory of having the ability to smile overcame Angel and with it the hope that he would soon be able to do it again.
“Very funny.” Cordelia glared. “They think they did. And you said, I couldn’t act.”
“I never said that.”
“Right, it was the ‘evil one’, anyway they believed me and let me go to begin my Mata Hari impersonation.”
“They let you go just like that?”
“I told you they believed me and, well, I’ve still got their device stuck in my neck.”
“Device?” Angel stilled, his memory of how to smile was now being tested by his urge to kill, an urge that had been as consistent as his need to find Cordelia since he crawled out from his steel coffin.
“Yeah, some sort of lie-detector, mind reading thing-a-m-jig. It’s supposed to tell if I change sides again or something.” Cordelia shrugged, blowing the whole subject off.
“And now….” Angel tried to force the violent feelings down, but he was tired and the hunger was gnawing at his insides the hunger to kill and feed, he really wanted to kill every being in Wolfram & Hart’s building.
He really wished that the amazing joy at seeing and knowing that Cordy was with him wasn’t contradicted by the knowledge that she had been held prisoner and tortured. He wanted to relish being in her presence, but at that moment he would almost rather be on a rampage.
“Don’t worry, it doesn’t hurt and pretty easy to beat.” Cordelia patted the vampire’s cheek in a soft gesture. “I..” Her hand dropped down and her eyes shifted away from the vampire but not before Angel saw the lie.
Angel knew he was going to kill something soon. The only problem was the only person near him was the one that he needed to be alive. “Cordy.” Angel tried to make his voice soft and encouraging, but by the way Cordelia jumped, he realized that he must’ve been louder and harsher than he meant.
Cordelia gave a swift smile. “It’s wasn’t that bad, really. This thing, the ‘torture’ pretty lame in my book, wouldn’t even call it that. It was uncomfortable, okay, I’ll give them that, but that’s it. Angel,” she smiled again to the still vampire. “The Powers weren’t completely ignorant of what was happening. Gave me some visions, not of the helpless, but quick instructions- ‘How to use your power under torture’. Well, they didn’t do that of course, because I wasn’t being tortured, just being uncomfortable,” Cordelia added quickly.
She really didn’t like the way the vampire was turning into stone. He was going to erupt soon. “Angel, I’m fine, it wasn’t that bad, the Powers stepped into to help, okay, it may have been because they were getting worried that I’d fall for Polly’s crap about the Powers being bad employers and such. I mean, they are but, who’s complaining.” Cordelia sat on the bed. “It worked and I’m outta of there.”
“And when they find out that you’re not working for them.” Angel finally moved, turning to the young woman.
“Who cares? We’re back to where we always been, us against them, but it’s us Angel, we’re together, so everything will fine. Now tell me- what happened to you, why you haven’t been eating and where is Connor? Have you seen him since you got loose and where did you get loose from? Tell me.” patting the spot next to her.
“Cordy, they just didn’t talk you into working for them. What did they do, exactly? What torture.” Angel paused his rage was pushing him to react, but Cordelia’s soft hand on the bed was beckoning to him. Angel took a deep breath, a useless exercise but a needed one.
It gave the vampire a moment to calm down and think. Cordy or the rage, as soon as Angel thought out his choices he sat next to Cordelia. Cordelia was always the better choice. She was what made him able to come back from his watery grave with a remembrance of who he was.
“Angel, it was nothing, really.” Cordelia sighed. Angel had sat down, but he was still way to on edge. He wasn’t going to let her just stop there. She sighed again.
“They kept me in this white room and flooded me with visions,” Cordelia paused. “They weren’t visions in the ‘visions sense’ memories would be the best description but they weren’t really real.” She glanced up at Angel’s puzzled expression. ” Nuts and bolts, it was the whole shock the mouse when it goes for cheese, pretty soon the mouse hates the cheese. ” She shook her head again at Angel’s expression.
“1, 2, 3, now, -they forced imagines of my happy times, all superficial and bitchy- my glory times, whatever, were accompanied by waves of pleasure- the helpless, you, everything else, reality- pain. Get it now? They wanted me to hate the memories that caused me pain, duh you and the mission.”
“I cause you pain.”
Cordelia settled back and bit her lip to stop her yell of frustration. “Angel, I’m not a mouse, I can figure out that I like the cheese, even want the cheese no matter the burst of pain and you know what I can also figure out how to get the cheese with a minimum of fuss. If I were the mouse that Wolfram & Hart seem to think I was, I’d have gotten rid of the visions before, but I didn’t.
Geez, being a human seer was worse than any pain they shot through me. Why would they think that, Evil Miss Moppet said she knew my history, you know my history, do you think I’m some bimbo that would trade her soul in for money or power? I mean sure, I was bitchy, materialistic, still do like the finer things but does that make me ready to turn to the darkside? Jeez, even at my worst, I don’t think I’d give up my soul”
Cordelia sat back, thinking. “No, I wouldn’t. I might’ve whined a lot, but I wouldn’t of. Why was it so easy for them to think it? Nevermind, dumb question, who cares, I’m home, what do I care what they think. I played them and won -I’m home.”
“Cordy, I cause you pain.” Angel wasn’t asking a question, he pushed himself off the bed.
Cordelia stared her eyes hooded; she was about to go ballistic. Did the vampire ever listen to her? “Yes, my life since it intertwined with yours has caused me some pain, you on occasion have caused me great pain,” Cordelia reached out and yanked the vampire back as he attempted to move further away.
“However, you have also given me happiness, family, a sense of purpose.and.well a lot of stuff.”
“Cordy?”
“Angel, this is stupid. I’m here, I want to be here, I’m HERE and I’ve been waiting, very patiently, I think for you to tell me what happened to you. NOW sit and start talking,” yanking harder on the vampire.
“Cordy, I ..” Angel stumbled back on the bed.
“Angel, tell me, now.” Cordelia glared. “I said I was fine. Angel, it’s you turn. And don’t tell me you’re all right. Your son attacked you and imprisoned you, you can’t be all right with that.”
Angel leaned in and tried to decipher Cordelia’s look, trying to find blame, but all he could see was anger at him. He almost would’ve rather seen the blame. Guilt for putting it there he could handle, but he never knew what to do when Cordelia was mad at him, except try to figure out what she wanted and do it.
He moved back a little and closed his eyes; at least this time he knew what she wanted. “Actually, I am all right, for the most part. I understand why he did it.”
“Well, I don’t.” Cordelia started to get up from the bed. “You’ll were going to the movies. He was okay. I talked to you, everything was okay and then in a mere few hours everything blew up? Angel, I don’t understand.” The previous anger had left her, now she was just lost.
Angel ached at the sight he tugged at the hand that had he was holding. He couldn’t remember if she put it there are if he did. He really didn’t care. Angel pulled Cordelia back beside him. “It was after he found out that I went to see Holtz.” He paused at Cordelia’s look. “Please, don’t tell me I told you so,” he asked softly.
“I wouldn’t.” Cordelia straightened. “But I did.” She mumbled under breath.
“I heard that.” Angel couldn’t help but let a small smile form. Cordelia was safe and no longer angry and she was with him. His exhaustion, hunger and rage were fading as he began to trust those facts.
“Hmmph.” Cordelia scrunched up her face. “But he read the letter that Holtz gave you. He was okay.”
“Holtz is dead. Connor thinks I killed him.”
Cordelia started to leap up again. Angel pulled her. “You didn’t,” she said as she settled back down. “Though, good riddance.” She grumbled.
“But, he does think it and he was waiting at the cliffs. We fought and..”
“You let him win.”
“I.he and Justine placed me in a metal box and dumped it in the sea.”
Cordelia slowly blinked at the vampire, all confusion over Connor’s actions left as she tried to speak through the imagines the vampire’s words invoked. She took a deep breath and tried again. “You were in the ocean, sunk in a coffin for a month and Connor did this, is that what you’re telling me?” Her steady gaze searching Angel’s face for hints of the vampire’s feelings.
“Yes.” Angel turned away from the all-knowing hazel eyes.
“You’ve been totally alone in an underwater casket for a month, no food, no idea when you were getting out, nothing no hope, no nothing, is that what you’re telling me,” Cordelia broke from the vampire’s grip turning quickly in front of him kneeling down and grasping his face forcing him to look at her. “Is that what you’re telling me,” Cordelia quietly demanded.
“Yes,” Angel tried to look away again from the tears that were forming in Cordy’s eyes.
A soft cry choked in Cordelia’s throat as she curled her body up placing herself in the vampire’s lap and hugging tightly to him, pulling his head to her chest. “I’m so sorry,” she whispered, murmuring into Angel’s hair. “I’ m so sorry,” she repeated hugging his cold body even tighter.
Angel gave himself a moment, then he pulled up disentangling Cordelia from his body, he winced at the loss but continued in his actions. He settled her beside him. “I’m okay, Cordy and I did have hope.” He brushed back her hair. “I did and Cordelia you also were alone.”
Cordelia shook her head. “No not the same thing. The Powers didn’t leave me. I knew they were out there just like I knew that you would save me. You were really alone.” She reached back for the vampire.
Angel caught her hands. “Cordy, I didn’t save you, you saved yourself.”
Cordelia scrunched up her face considering the vampire’s statement. “I did, didn’t I, wow, what a first. But still if I hadn’t you would’ve.”
“Yes.” Angel leaned into Cordelia. “And Cordy, I wasn’t alone, I knew you would save me and you did.”
Cordelia’s expression darkened. “How? It’s my entire fault. Oh god.” Cordelia scrunched up her body into itself hugging at her knees, no longer listening to the vampire. “All my fault.” She repeated.
Angel leaned in tugging at Cordelia’s face, pulling it up to his. “It’s not your fault, Cordy, there’s no way it’s your fault.”
Cordy brushed at her tears, nodding vigorously. “It is. I wanted you to go to the cliff. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. How could I’ve been so dumb, then worse I said yes to evil Skip. I should’ve been there. I should’ve never said to go there. You were alone. If I’d been there- Connor wouldn’t- It wouldn’t have happened, not like that, you being all alone. I shouldn’t have told you to meet me, not for..it was ..It’s was my fault.”
“Cordy,” Angel pushed up her face to his,” It was stupid for you to ask me to meet you? You said it was important, it was about you’re feelings for me, that was stupid?” Angel asked tentatively.
“YES.” Cordelia tried to jump up but Angel’s hands kept her close to him. “Stupid. Let me go.” She pushed. Angel released his hands quickly, just staring at the now pacing young woman.
Wesley was wrong, she wasn’t trying to convince him to betray his mission, it was worse- she was destroying his hope. He glanced up at the circling woman her hands again flailing in the air, words tumbling in a torrent from her lips. He started to try to listen, trusting his greatest fear.
“Stupid. I mean, Angel, come on, it was stupid. ‘Hi, Angel, it’s me,” mimicking holding a phone, ” I’m I.need.want.it’s important.well.um’ well, DUH, can I say ‘Hello, what am I- sixteen again,” Cordelia threw down her hands and stared at Angel.
“Shoot, I was so stuttery pathetic, it wasn’t even sixteen, when I was sixteen, I knew.” Cordelia twirled, her hands back in the air, only to settle her gaze again on the vampire. “Actually, it’s your fault, I knew better before.”
Angel stared not sure at all what was going on, maybe he should’ve listened to Wesley. “My fault.”
“Yeah, before I knew you, I knew what was suppose to happen, you waited, the guy tells you that he loves you first, at some really nice beautiful place, expensive is the best, you don’t tell first that’s bad- I knew that at one time. I did. I didn’t tell that boy in the eighth grade, Xander, Groo, never told any one, but no, you I had to plan this STUPID romantic situation where I declare my STUPID love. If I hadn’t been so STUPID, you wouldn’t have been on that STUPID cliff to be dropped in the ocean by your son. STUPID all of it.”
Angel allowed Cordelia to pace and circle the room one more time, but when she gasped for a new breath to start ranting again, he moved. In an instant Cordelia was back on the bed with Angel’s arms and legs pinning her securely.
“What do you think you are you doing?” Cordelia glared up at the smiling vampire over her.
“Trying to listen. If I understand you correctly you wanted me to meet you so that you could tell me that you loved me, right?”
“No. I wanted to see how you felt about me telling you that I loved you. Let me up.” She pushed at Angel.
“No. So the important part wasn’t you saying that you loved me, but my reaction to it.”
“Angel, this isn’t funny, let me up now.”
“Cor, don’t you want to do what my reaction would’ve been.”
“I know what your stupid answer would’ve been, that’s what’s so stupid about the whole thing.”
Angel leaned up. “You do?”
Cordelia pushed herself up further. “Yes, of course I do, okay, maybe not right away, or.whatever, I knew that when Groo told me that I loved you and that you loved me that he wasn’t necessarily wrong- that’s why he left.”
“He was smarter than I thought.”
“Leave him alone, he was sweet and he liked you.”
“Sorry, he was a paragon.”
Cordelia narrowed her eyes. “I should’ve seen it earlier, you’re just swirling with major jealously issues.”
“Ha, you were jealous of Darla.”
Cordelia jerked leaning close into Angel, her eyes’ narrowing into dangerous glints of brown steel. “No. I was scared at how she made you act. She made you screw up. She was an evil dead bitch that tried to kill me- Groo was a bit naïve sure, but he was a hero, good and very buff. Not a good comparison at all. Groo was a keeper, Darla a thing from hell.” Pushing away from the vampire’s chest.
“But you didn’t keep him, because you loved me.” Angel said quickly deciding that his mention of Darla had been a really bad idea. He hadn’t believed that Cordy had been jealous of the other woman in the first place. Clearly, Angel still wasn’t great at the conversation-teasing thing.
“I’m beginning to wonder why.”
“Cor,” Angel pulled the woman back on the bed cradling her body over his. “What were you going to tell me on the cliff.” He urged with his touch and pleading eyes.
Cordelia’s glare softened, her hand gently caressing the angular features of the vampire’s face. “I was going to stammer and fidget and tell you all the reasons that I couldn’t love you and end with that I did, truly, really, and always and the big finish would be that you would have to just deal with it if you didn’t love me back.”
Angel smiled rubbing his hands down Cordelia’s back.
“Well, what would’ve you said.” Cordelia leaned up.
“I thought you knew already.”
“Angel.” Cordelia leaned up further.
Angel pulled her down. “I don’t know. Ow.” He flinched as Cordelia smacked him on the head.
“Yeah, right big baby vampire, like that really hurt.”
“I didn’t know and don’t hit me again. ” Angel whined and smoothly readjusted Cordelia’s body over his.
“I’d hoped that you asked me to meet you there to tell me that you loved me or at least were beginning to think of me that way, or at the very least Groo had turned out to be jerk. I just hoped Cor, I didn’t have any words or thoughts planned because it seemed too presumption that I could be that happy or too hopeful or just not possible that the amazing woman that I loved-loved me back. I’m not something that deserves happiness, obviously, look what happened.”
Cordelia pulled away, her tender touch never quite leaving the vampire. She sat beckoning Angel to follow. “Angel, you have the right to expect happiness, you have the right to be hopeful, you are a wonderful, loving.” Cordelia lifted her brows “mampire,” she chuckled. “You are the best, the most honorable person I’ve ever met, you deserve happiness and love, you do, believe it.”
Angel tentatively traced his finger along her cheek. “With you I can almost believe it.” Leaning in close.
“You can, Angel.” Cordelia smiled. “Angel, are you about to kiss me?”
Angel nodded leaning in closer brushing his lips gently against hers.
“Oh,” Cordelia whispered. Angel cupped her face bringing it even closer. Cordelia reached up her fingers running along the nape of Angel’s neck, her lips parting at the insistence of Angel’s. The gentleness of Angel’s kiss became more demanding. His tongue eagerly caressed Cordelia’s taking the kiss deeper. Cordelia turned her body into Angel’s tightening embrace.
Her hands slid down to stroke along the breadth of Angel’s shoulders. Her finger’s clutched on his forearm’s as she gently pulled away from the kiss, her lips still lightly touching Angel’s, small breaths and words brushed at them. “Not too happy, though.” She sighed, pulling further away.
Angel cradled Cordelia face, his dark eyes holding Cordelia’s, his thumbs gently massaging at the smooth skin under her neck. He nodded, knowing she was right. He placed a soft kiss on Cordelia’s forehead. “I love you.”
“I love you.” Cordelia curled into Angel’s lap, resting her head in the crook of his neck. Angel held her close. “It will be okay, Angel, we’ll explain to Connor that you didn’t kill Holtz, we’ll get him back. Cordelia leaned up. “Who did?”
“I don’t know, Wesley said that Justine told Connor that I did. He believed her.”
Cordelia leaned even further back. “Lying bitch, she probably did it.wait Wesley? You’ve talked to Wesley. You know, he’s working for Wolfram & Hart. He was there with Lilah, another lying bitch. God, they’re so many of them. Eek.”
“I know.about Wesley, I mean, well the other too.”
Cordelia scooted back further staring at the vampire. “Angel?”
“That was the plan after he was released from the hospital.”
“Wesley’s been playing 007?”
“OO7?”
“James Bond, British super spy.” Cordelia’s expression of surprise changed to a scowl.” He just left me up in that room. What’s up with that?”
“He didn’t know until yesterday and told me, he also told me that you were supposedly all ready to betray me.”
“Hmmph. So, you were testing me with all that ‘where have you been’. Her eyes narrowed. “You didn’t’ trust me.”
“I did, Cor, I did,” Angel pulled the woman to him. “I was just scared AND you had been tortured…that’s why Wesley was concerned, not me.”
“Look, Buster, if we’re going to love each other, you are going to have to get over penchant for believing that you don’t deserve good things to happen. Broodiness can be sexy, gloom and doom, isn’t. Remember that. I can’t be spending ALL my time reassuring you. Maybe, I need a little reassurance to- you ever think about that. Umm.” She peered at the vampire.
Angel’s hands went back to cradling Cordy’s face. “I do trust you, I do love you never doubt that.”
“If you don’t I won’t. I’m actually a very secure person. Unlike, it seems-you.” Angel heard the minuscule catch in her quick statement and saw a shadow flit briefly over her wide confident stare.
Angel brushed back her hair to get a better look at her eyes. He stared remembering what Wesley said- that Cordelia was once a self-absorbed spoiled teenager. Maybe, but Angel also saw the young woman hidden behind the quips and superficiality, the one that had the capacity to love with all her heart.
Angel knew that that young woman hadn’t appeared overnight or even over the last few years, she had been in there all the while waiting for someone to give that love to, someone she could trust that would protect it. Angel smiled, dazed that Cordy chose to trust him with the gift of her love.
“I promise you, Cor, I love you for always and I always will protect it and you.” Finally really knowing what to say to the young woman that at times could so confuse him but always amazed him.
“Silly, I know that.” This time there was no catch or dimness in her bright smile. Cordelia scrunched her brows. “Angel, Wesley’s been playing at being the bad guy for you, but you still haven’t forgiven him have you?”
“Cordy, I.” Angel’s eyes trailed down to the bed avoiding her gaze.
“It’s all right, Angel,” Cordelia gently lifted his head back towards her. “Everything comes with enough time, but he is working on our side. How’d he know about Connor?”
“Connor told him, he’s been being held at Wolfram & Hart.”
“Connor was working for them? That explains why he’s so screwed up. They manipulated him. Why didn’t Wesley say anything before?
Angel shook his head. “Connor acted on his own.with Justine’s help. They took him later. Wesley wasn’t told about any of it until after I might get free, just like they didn’t tell him about you.”
“Wesley’s not very good at this undercover stuff, he’s had months. Pfft.”
“Cordelia,”
“I’m just saying…” Cordy shook her head. “What have they done to Connor and why haven’t you rescued him yet.”
“They haven’t done anything to him, they want him to trust Wesley, so do I.”
“Because, you do trust Wesley. Well, is it working?”
“Wesley says slowly but he’s not anyway near to trusting me.”
“He will be, Angel, I promise.” Cordelia got up off the bed biting at her lip and rubbing her neck. “Angel, I could go back. Between Wesley and I, we’ll convince Connor and bring him home.”
Angel’s eyes centered on the area of skin Cordelia was rubbing, his rage was building again. “You’re not going back.”
“Angel, they could still believe me. I beat it before and..” Cordelia gasped clutching her head screaming as her body flew smashing into the far wall.
Angel was off the bed in an instant grabbing for Cordelia. He was cradling the unconscious woman when Fred and Gunn busted into his room.