Title: My Girl
Author: Frazi
Posted:
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Rating: PG
Category: Drabble
Content: C/A
Summary: Does drabble really need any? heheh. Well S2 post beige Angel with a possessive streak. Nuff said.
Spoilers:
Disclaimer: The characters in the Angelverse were created by Joss Whedon & David Greenwalt. No infringement is intended, no profit is made.
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I’m not a possessive man. I am very trusting and very lenient; an easygoing man; a lover of all beings.
I’ve met a lot of inflexible people in my life. They always make me laugh. Poor pathetic fools, they will never feel the tranquility that flows through my veins. They run like oxen behind people, power and money.
HAH! I am beyond material gains. I am the pinnacle of all that is calm and honorable. Helping the helpless and what not. Never have I given into vile jealousy that the people around me are plagued with.
A quiet man.
“WHAT!?”
Did I mention all that is applicable when the word ‘Cordelia’ is not in its context?
Now you may ask why I was that perturbed. Simple.
Observe.
“Miss Chase. You must know a lot about her.”
I glared with a big smile on my face. “Yes.” After all he was our client, he had just paid us handsomely for a case well solved.
I owed him that much.
“Well then can you tell me if she’s going out with anyone?”
I snarled trying to keep the acid grin on my face. “No.”
The short little man brightened with glee and I towered over him. Can I help it if I’m threateningly tall?
“Do you think she might consider….” He seemed to hesitate.
“What?” WHAT DAMMIT! Say it so I can pound you into dust you sniveling little insect!
That’s what I wanted to say.
“Well I was wondering, “he stammered as my face panned closer to his and my grin turned into a sneer, “do you think…she might….want to…you know….go out….with me?”
I had a merry vision of tying this man’s feet together with a bit of rope and hanging him upside down over a vat of boiling acid. I pictured myself standing beside the bubbling liquid throwing my head back and laughing till my sides hurt.
Then I chose my words carefully. “Mr. Spitz, you’re a wonderful man with a great salary and a lovely bald head. Why wouldn’t she want to go out with you?”
He blinked at me suddenly confused.
I wrapped an arm around his shoulders and guided him to the front door with a big old leer on my face. I think he saw fangs because his eyes widened into ping-pong balls. “Let me explain this to you.” I gave him a tight squeeze and the little man whimpered.
“Cordelia is a very pretty girl, but she’s not for you. You, of such high caliber and good brought-up, can’t possibly mesh with someone like Cordelia. She’s too crude for your debonair charm. She’s dull for your enlightened wisdom. Her pale perfection will only mar your tan visage.”
Mr. Spitz blinked up at me as I nearly dragged him to the swinging doors.
“But, you said she would go out with me.”
“Of course!” I laughed. “Any woman would jump to the chance of going out with a fine person like yourself, but I’m trying to save you.”
“Save me?” Okay NOW he looked reasonably scared.
“Yes. I’m afraid there are a few discrepancies that Cordelia doesn’t tell everyone. She has hyper-stupido-allergiosa.” I paused for effect.
Touchdown!!!! Hey I watch television, okay!
Mr. Spitz stared at me. “Hyper…what?”
“It’s a rare disease. She inherited it from her great-great-great-grandmother. The one who lived in the UFO.”
“UFO!?”
“Yes. It is highly contagious to males with the recessive gene stupido-abundance. I’m afraid there are only a few males who do not have that particular characteristic. You will have to check with your local doctor to verify before you even think of stepping anywhere near her. She goes into seizures and she starts spitting out alien words and her nails extend into long metallic claws and she eats flesh.”
Mr. Spitz swallowed thickly. “Oh Lord.”
“Oh yes!” I kicked the door open and guided him out. “You must pray to the Lord and hope you haven’t already contracted the disease for which there is no cure.”
When the door swung shut behind me I shoved him away from me and growled. “And if you even think of coming anywhere near MY GIRL AGAIN I will PERSONALLY rip every nail out of your fingers and toes with a pair of pliers!!!”
He stared up at me and stumbled back as my eyes blazed yellow with rage. “I…yes…sir.” Then he turned and ran for his car.
With a sigh and I smile, I turned and walked back into the building, the ridges melting back to smooth skin.
Wesley looked up at me with a smirk. “You’re not possessive.”
“Hell no. Just protecting what’s mine.” I smirked.
A very quiet man. Pire.
THE END