Part 9. ANGEL
Kill him. I will absolutely kill the damned bastard! It was almost sunrise and I had not seen a sign of Cordelia.
I’d called Dennis at least sixty-five times according to the little group gathered in the lobby of my hotel. My insistent yelling had woken them up.
Fred sat yawning on the couch, pushing up her glasses more firmly on her nose while she swayed with lethargy. Gunn sat next to her, his chin held up in the palm of his hand while Wesley stood leaning against the counter his arms crossed defensively and his eyes straying to the splayed out slayer on the other side of the lobby in a seat watching him with a cocky half smile on her face.
I made a mental note to have a chat with Faith, but I had more important things on my mind for now. Like my disappearing childe and my gallivanting seer who insisted on going shopping in the middle of the damned night.
“I never should have let her go!”
~Spike will touch her.~
“Well it’s a little late to be sayin’ that no?” Gunn looked up with a frustrated arch of his brow.
Okay so they were sleep deprived, but my seer was out there with my psychotic childe! Sans previous memory of the cold blooded killer that he was!
~Well he learnt from the best among other things.~
Shut up Angelus! I couldn’t hold the helpless snarl of irritation.
“Ease up dog!” Gunn frowned at the perturbed vampire. Yeah I was perturbed and when I finally get my hands on that no good seer stealing childe of mine, I’d show him perturbed!
~He might touch her!~
“I’m sure Cordelia is fine Angel.” Willow sighed as she sat on the front steps of the hotel wrapped up in her coat, still clad in the pajamas I’d dragged her out into the night in.
“Although, I’m wondering where they’re shopping. But then this is a big metropolitan city. Must be some 24 hour shops somewhere.” I stopped pacing just enough to quirk an eyebrow at her.
“Not like Sunnydale. Nope. What with the hellmouth and…”
“Willow?”
She blinked up at me in confusion? “Hmmm?”
~He will touch her!~
“This isn’t a good time,” I grated out between clenched teeth. I’d been pacing for the past two hours, my legs felt like they’d run a marathon and Angelus’ nya-nya-nya was starting to grate on my nerves.
The taunting and jealous rage just wouldn’t stay down. Permanent soul or no permanent soul, the demon would just never shut up until Spike was alone with her. I was starting to understand my curse in a whole new way.
My eyes strayed to the front door as the itch in my thumb started turning the wheels in my head fast. I turned to look at the clock as it slowly crawled every minute by.
~Go get her! Go get her now!~
With a soft growl and the flick of my wrist I grabbed my coat from across the counter. “Fuck this.” Fred looked up startled at the uncharacteristic curse and even Wesley blinked at me with all his attention for a change.
My feet carried me to the door as I shoved my arms into the coat. Cordelia was coming home whether she wanted it or not. Soul Spike’s companion or otherwise. I know I’d promised myself not to push anything on her and let her take this time, to make this transition as natural as possible, but I’m demon dammit!
I can only take as much.
Willow stood as I strode towards the door purposefully. “Angel where are you going?”
“To find her.”
“She’ll be here any minute Angel, Spike wouldn’t hurt her.” She stepped into my path with a hand held up to ward me off.
~PUMMEL HER!~
I resister the urge to bodily pick her up and put her aside, the effort almost making my fists clench tighter than usual. Why was everyone consistently trying to keep me away from her? If it wasn’t W&H it was my own family!
My very OWN!
~There was no loyalty left in this world.~
Angelus, I’m going to find something to shut you up…as soon as I find Cordy.
“Look Willow, I’m not worried about Spike hurting her.”
“Then what is it Angel?” I could hear the loaded depth in Fred’s question over my shoulder. But that’s all there was. Loaded depth. No one came out and spelled it.
Seemed like I wasn’t the only one who talked in riddles, as Cordelia so eloquently put it; I seemed to be rubbing off on all of them.
~Oh joy.~
She’d been right. The damned tippy-toeing was annoying. “For my sanity Fred; I’m bringing her home.”
“Angel, the girl’s lost a good chunk of her memory; do you really think it’s necessary to crowd her?”
I spun around to meet the cobalt of Wesley’s eyes. Oh he was one to talk about healing wounds and letting sleeping dogs lie. If I wasn’t being the good souled vampire I’d be spitting each and every taunt the demon spew in my brain.
“I’ve been doing everything BUT crowding her Wesley because that’s what you all wanted from me. Giving her space and giving her time to figure things out on her own. I agreed with you. That doesn’t mean I can’t change my mind.”
Charles stood and walked to me slowly. He could tell my demon was under the surface simmering with impatience. Yeah little boy, try my patience right now.
“Look man, Barbie just needs some down time. You know to sort things out.”
No I couldn’t kill Gunn. I took a deep breath, which was more habit then necessity, holding my temper in check but unable to keep from leaning slightly into the personal space of the black man deliberately.
Knowing Spike’s track record, I knew the kind of sorting out that was his style, but I didn’t tell that to him.
“It’s been six weeks.”
“No shit. And how far has she gotten considering it took almost all that time to convince her we weren’t just tellin’ her a tall tale of vampires and helpin’ the helpless. You remember that?” Gunn’s cutting honestly wasn’t the balm I needed for the irrational fury and impatient anxiety building in the middle of my chest.
I needed Cordy to be here.
But I knew they were right. Anyone in Cordy’s situation would need a little space and a little time to adjust. How much I wished every time I opened my eyes from sleep that I’d hear her laughing down the hall or rushing about from room to room, fixing up the hotel so it looked ‘homier’.
But somewhere in my head the nagging doubt remained. Cordelia Chase wasn’t just anyone. She was a much more complex woman than any of us gave her credit for.
Although, each member of my odd family loved every hair on her head, the unreasonable ache in my chest spoke of dangers that couldn’t be given more time to ponder, yet every night while I lay in my bed without the presence of my gurgling child to lull me to calmness, I couldn’t help wonder about the what ifs.
What if she’d never been a higher being? What if she’d met me that night? What if I hadn’t let her go with Groo or what if one more happening hadn’t tried to take her away from me?
Unable to keep my eyes from straying to the still front door of the hotel, I realized. One thing I knew for sure. She was still here and so was I.
That counted for something right?
~Go get her. Find her. Hold her. Possess her.~
There was reason behind every blinding urge to draw her inside me and keep her safe. Losing people I loved didn’t exactly fortify insecurities. When I finally learnt not to push people away they starting slipping through my fingers instead.
Why the hell does it always have to be about loss? I’ve lived more than two and a half centuries, and it’s still about loss. Loss of life, loss of humanity, loss of purpose, lose of first love, loss of child, family and the one woman who accepts the demon and soul all in the same package.
And that was the problem. As much as I wanted to sit her in my lap and tell her everything that she was and is to me, I couldn’t tell her. The acceptance that she’d had for this old broody vampire wasn’t something I could explain to her.
She had to find it.
And it tore into my un-beating heart each time she looked at me with confusion marring her beautiful face and the awareness that I was a monster.
Something I’d never been to Cordelia Chase.
~Take her. Claim her. Possess her.~
But that was just it. I didn’t want to possess her no matter how much my demon whispered or screamed in my head. I wanted Cordelia Chase to walk up to me with her own to feet; like she would have if Skip hadn’t held her back.
See what I mean? It’s the fucking what ifs that keep me awake at night.
“Angel?”
Dragging my eyes away from the front door that still didn’t stir, I watched Willow bite her lip as she looked up at me with worried green eyes.
“She will remember.”
I swallowed the panicked doubt rising up my throat and let the tension in my shoulders ebb away with the reassurance that even through the hell we’d been put through; we were still here.
“You guys are fucking pathetic.” Faith’s crass observation warranted a dirty look from almost everyone in the lobby. Noticing the sudden ill humor she rolled her eyes and swung her legs off the arm of the chair and sat up straighter.
Although, her address was to everyone, her dark rimmed eyes only stayed on me and I couldn’t shake the feeling, the girl was only saying what I had already known. “You don’t get it, do you? So she’s lost her memory? That doesn’t mean she’s someone else?”
She shrugged her shoulders before slowly stretching up to stand. “I don’t know a lot about her, but frankly if you keep walking on eggshells around her, she won’t remember jack shit.”
Fred’s liquid brown eyes darted between Faith and me like a cautious deer. “I’m not an expert you know. But sometimes, the best way to bring things back to normal is to make them normal.”
Wesley’s thumb stroked his chin thoughtfully. “We’ve been trying to make her as comfortable as possible, telling her memories she has no recollection of will only confuse her further.”
“What if she doesn’t remember?”
Each face that looked up at me only mirrored my own fear. It was a possibility that we hadn’t considered before. It was always, ‘no she’ll be fine’, ‘everything will be ok’, ‘she will remember’.
It was the first time the weight of my own words actually surfaced everyone’s similar trepidation.
“Angel, we’ve been trying…”
I shook my head to stop Wesley’s reassurance. “No. It’s a possibility we have to keep in mind. I’ve already lost my son thinking everything was going well. I’m not going to lose Cordelia because we can’t come to terms with her problem.” I dug out the car keys from my coat pocket.
“I’m through denying it. I’m going to find her.” Looking up I met the somber eyes of my family. “Wesley, try her cell again, see if she picks up. After that I want you guys to get some shut eye and then get back to work. We still have a job to do. The crisis is over. Time to pick up the pieces.”
I glanced at Willow. “Why don’t you get some rest?”
“I’ll come with you.”
“No.” I shook my head. “You call up Giles and see if there’s a way to help Cordelia.” She nodded and walked towards the counter. I watched Wesley walk up to me. He held out his hand, my old cell phone placed there.
Without a word I took it from him and stuffed it into my pocket. “You don’t mind if I take back my previous position of boss I suppose?”
I might have imagined it, but his mouth quirked at the corner. “Since you’re beginning to act it Angel, it’s only fair.”
I nodded and turned.
“Umm…Angel?”
With an exasperated sigh I looked back at the watcher to see the amusement in his blue eyes.
“Might I suggest the sewers though? Suggesting only of course, not being the boss and all, but the sun did come up a few minutes ago.”
I scowled and stalked towards the basement. Behind me I heard Fred’s muffled giggle before I entered the sewer.
One step at a time.