Posted: 19 Sept 06
Category: Angsty drabble – First of four… so far.
Content: C & A
Summary: Some things you regret…
Spoilers: S2 based on a scene in Disharmony & AUed.
Disclaimer: The characters in the Angelverse were created by Joss Whedon & David Greenwalt. No infringement is intended, no profit is made.
Distribution: AA, Anyone else just let me know
Notes: I wrote this short on my LJ yesterday after listening to a song I crush totally. (Ugly Side by Blue October). It has Beige Angel voice down to a T, so I admit to listening to it a lot. Don’t normally post my beige fic here, but as this is a short, and started life on my LJ. Hope you enjoy…
Feedback: Is always nice.
There are a few variations on the word regret. One is to regret your actions …another is regretting not seeing them through…
Angel stood still and silent in the cleaned up lobby, his attention focused on only one of the humans once again occupying his home.
She had no idea how much he’d still been there.
When wanting back in. Needing the light of her smile.
When on the edge of the precipice.
Those were times he wanted things from her that would have chilled the marrow of her bones … initially.
They outweighed the acceptable, understandable, possibly forgivable ones.
She had thought he’d forgotten her when he’d pushed her out; when the darkness overwhelmed him. But he’d never have done that. He couldn’t. She was too deep in him.
Would the knowledge have lessened the rigidity of her spine he now observed through shuttered eyes?
Knowing he’d stalked her, watched her- spent hours outside her window resisting the urge to enter; each time feeling his resolve weaken?
And she’d never find out.
As accepting as Cordelia Chase was, Angel knew she would have never been able to understand- never mind forgive his near-actions and not so pleasant thoughts regarding her over the past few months.
Especially his final thoughts and near-actions before his epiphany.
Even as he stepped closer, readying himself to face her properly, to apologise, his thoughts lingered on that most damning secret of all- more damning than his night of meaningless sex with Darla.
The few hours he’d spent outside Cordelia’s door earlier that night fighting a raging inner battle before finally managing to walk away.
And as he now hesitated, mouth opening then closing with a dry swallow, it hit him again that if he hadn’t walked away when he did, or if he had succeeded through Darla…
It would have been Angelus standing right behind Cordelia.