Title: Thoughts
Author: Zanita
Posted: Apr 4 2005
Rating: R
Category: Short/Drabble
Summary: The 2nd in my ‘Moments in Time’
Disclaimer: The characters in the Angelverse were created by Joss Whedon & David Greenwalt. No infringement is intended, no profit is made.
Feedback:Yes please.

The lights from the city shone weakly through the curtains of the balcony doors and muted the room in a soft glow as her scent lingered in the heavy air and whispered to his desires.

Lush and sweet, a plum so succulent it was ready to burst. So thick he could taste it on his tongue Closing his eyes he focused on the sound of her retreating foot steps, they were hurried as she tried to get as far away from him as possible.

He’d hurt her. Cracked her just a little more and felt the sharp remorse of it the moment the words were out of his mouth.

‘I don’t NEED you Cordelia. I don’t need you here trying to get into my head. Trying to help. I don’t need your help. Just get the hell out!’

The shouted words echoed through his head, sliced another piece of his heart off then added themselves to the long list of hurtful things he’d done to her. But doing them was the only way to keep her safe. Safe from him.

She thought she knew him. Knew what he really was. She believed in the good that he did and the remorseful persona he showed her. Not that that was a lie, he too believed in helping those that couldn’t help themselves. But he was so much more than the champion she believed him to be. He was a demon, a vampire always.

Experiencing Angelus in Sunnydale gave her the knowledge of what he was but she couldn’t seem to admit to herself exactly what he IS. To tell her the deviant thoughts that ran rampant at all times would have her screaming and running from him even faster then she did tonight. To let out all those things lurking just below the surface, dirty, nasty things, would satisfy his utmost desires and surely come close to killing her.

Love never came into it. To love her would be to lose himself in her and that too would kill her. So he kept her at a distance with words. When he’d turn around and realize she had snuck into his heart again, he would push her away.

It was killing him inside little by little, but better him than her.



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