Tequila Mockingbird

Title: Tequila Mockingbird
Author: Scorch
Posted: Mar 2 2005
Rating: PG-16 for language
Category: Humour
Content: C/Aus
Summary: Damned summary fairies
Disclaimer: The characters in the Angelverse were created by Joss Whedon & David Greenwalt. No infringement is intended, no profit is made.
Distribution: AO, Cal, Lil, Lio n Sara’s place
Notes: inging it yet again!

Swirling the amber liquid round and round, Cordelia Chase unseeingly stared through the glass and contents at the table under it. After Angel’s soul never returned from the Doximol palava, she and Wesley had gone their separate ways in the hopes of finding a way to counteract Wolfram and Hart’s spell in order to get Angel back.

The visions had stopped, leaving her thankfully without headaches but unfortunately without purpose.

Shrugging off any and all melancholy feelings before they began, the brunette took a heavy swig and downed her drink in one. Having grown so used to tequila when she felt a little under the weather, the bitter taste didn’t make her wince or choke, thus garnering her with proud glances from a group of demons.

“Dipshits.” Cordelia muttered and looked at her watch. Every night, since It happened, Angelus would come to Caritas and try to get her into bed. It was no wonder she took solace in drink, not that she paid for it of course, workers’ discount and all.

Feeling him sauntering up behind her, she fingered the small stake she always carried with her and grimaced, dreading the day she might actually have to use it. As long as Angelus was alive, then the hope of returning his soul was still there.

“Cordy, babe.” Angelus greeted merrily, licking his fangs in anticipation. “Are you brooding again?”

“I would say drop dead, but ya know..” Signalling to Lorne, who was watching everything warily, “Two tequilas, make em doubles”

“I’ve tried, but that spell Wolfram and Hart placed on me prevents it. Sorry.” Patting her on the back and settling onto a stool next her, the vampire took out a few bills and placed them on the bar. “My round. So, how is my darling Cordy tonight?”

“Bite me”

Angelus grinned wickedly, “Tell me where and I will.”

Anger flared in her hazel orbs and she glared at him, desperately wishing the No Violence spell wasn’t working.

Chuckling at her reaction and tweaking her nose, “Chill out, I’m just rubbing you the wrong way. Or trying to”

“Why don’t you go away?” The bastard had the nerve to come into her bar and interrupt her brooding.

“No” Nodding his thanks to Lorne for the drinks and relishing in riling her up, Angelus demurely took a sip and relaxed against the bar top.

“Fuck off”

Smiling oh so happily, “I would, but you’re in the room. On the other hand, if you’re offering to help?”

Slamming her second glass down and glaring at him, Cordelia seethed with fury. “What the hell happened to the psychotic jackass I know and hate?”

“I flushed him down the toilet. Being perverted is so much more fun these days”

Growling low in her throat and knocking back the remnants of her tequila, the brunette picked up her third. “Either get smashed with me or take a hike”

Grinning widely at how poorly she handled her liquor, Angelus signalled for another round. Spying the stake her left hand was toying with, he clasped his heart dramatically. “A twig!” He stated loudly, drawing attention from other punters who soon lost interest. “She’s got a twig”

“It’s a stake, asshole, come closer so I can beat you to death with it”

“Hey, if you’re that hard-up for it sweetness, I gotta twig you can use.” Crudely, Angelus ran a large hand down his lethally set form to grab the place between his thighs. Watching her eyes track the motion and widen at the sight, “Told ya being perverted is much more fun. But didn’t believe me, did ya?”

“Oh, I believed you.” Cordelia replied, a slight purr to her voice. “Just don’t give a flying fuck”

“How ‘bout a laying one? They’re much less awkward.” Removing his hand and daringly, placed it on her shoulder, blunt fingertips playing with the ends of her feathered hair.

“God, and I thought Marquis De Sade was sick.” Shifting her head towards Lorne, she made it known another round was needed. “He’s paying”

“You’ll be pleased to know it’s for your benefit.” Angelus smoothed his hand down her spine and smiled serenely at the helpless shiver he caused.

“Oh yeah, colour me ecstatic.” Reaching round and snatching his offending limb away, Cordelia let it unceremoniously drop to the bar. “Don’t touch what ya can’t afford”

In lieu of feeling her through the barrier of clothes, he trailed a fingertip down her bare arm. “How about what I can?”

Suddenly, her head hit the bar and for a second, a single moment in time, Angelus thought she was having a vision.

But the sound of forehead meeting wood, slowly but often, cut that thought short. After one or two moments of constant banging, he slipped a palm under her head and effectively blocked her from doing it again.

“Careful there, you’ll give yourself a headache.”

Opening a blurring eye and offering a sarcastic smile, Cordelia nodded once. “No, you’ll be giving me a headache”

Angelus grinned. “I’d much rather give you an orgasm”

“The day you do that is the day hell will be the hottest ski resort on the planet.” Returning her head to the bar top, the brunette tried to ignore him.

“You got the hot part right”

“Go back there, would you?” Muffled by wood and tequila, her voice spoke to the bar.

“No thanks babe.” The vampire sighed unnecessarily and gave a reminiscent smile. “Best vacation I ever had. Soul didn’t think so, of course, but for me? Yeah, baby! I saw that film ya know?”

“Believe me when I say this,” Cordelia brought up her face and looked him squarely in the eye. “I do not care”

Angelus, suddenly the perfect image of wounded soldier, dramatically clutched his heart and gave a low groan of pain. “You really know where to hit”

“Stand still and I’ll show you just how much I know”

“I keep telling you, sweetness, standing can be a little tricky. How about if I lay still? Could be fun”

Another groan sounded, only this one was louder and a lot more feminine. All she wanted to do was first, make it so sitting would be impossible and secondly… There was no second, she’d settle for shoving her stake so far up his ass he’d be picking splinters out of his fangs for eternity.


“What?” He purred.

“Stinks.” Yeah, it was a stupid and childish joke, but who really cared? Cracking her face slowly but surely, a smile appeared as she watched his expression. So, stupid and childish games could work to her advantage?


“What d’ya get if you cross a kangaroo with a sheep?” Cordelia asked, resting her cheek against her palm and watched the flicker of amusement wash over his features.

“I dunno, what?”

“A woolly jumper.” A chorus of groans came from the group of demons, causing both vampire and girl to glare at them in silent chastisement for listening.

Angelus signalled to Lorne for another round of tequila. “A man walks into a bar and brags about his wife’s Christmas presents. He got her slippers and a vibrator.” Waiting patiently until she replied.

“Why the vibrator?”

“If she didn’t like the slippers, she could go and fuck herself.”

Holding back the chuckles was useless.

Her shoulders shook and her lips spread just that little bit wider. “Figures you’d come out with something crude.” What the hell, it was funny.

“I could come out with something, if I’m so bold to say, bigger and better. Angelus merely smirked when she rolled her eyes. Oh yeah, no cheesy lines would ever work on her.

“There ya go, Peachpie.” Lorne, pretending not to quiver at the soulless one’s presence, simply popped a bottle on the counter. “On the house.” At his most angered, Angel had stung his head but Angelus?

That guy had things in his aura that’d make him aqua and that would definitely not go with his new suit.

“Who needs glasses?” Cordelia snatched up the bottle and took a heavy swig. Unfortunately, her cool show was interrupted by an untimely nose full and she choked, spluttering the liquid all over the vampire.

Completely unaffected, Angelus affectionately patted her back before wiping his shirt down. “How’s about you take me home to get me out of these wet clothes?”

“How about I hope you catch your death?”

“Why? Did it run away? Damn death.” He snapped his fingers and looked on in grave disappointment.

“Drink and shut up.” Shoving the bottle into his hands and yanking her hand away when he took the liberty of touching, Cordelia shot him a disgusted look and wiped off all vampire germs on her jeans. “No touchy”

Noting how she was scrubbing her hand, Angelus covered it with his own and smoothed circles on the softer skin. “Cordy, Cordy, Cordy” he sighed with a shake of his head. “What am I to do with you?”

Trying and failing to remove his caressing digits, the brunette glowered and glared, but eventually relented when all she seemed to do was amuse him all the more. “Leave me alone?”

“Now see, that’s just something I can’t do.” His grip tightened and she tensed, the sudden change in attitude evident to all. “Leaving you, drunk and alone in a club, just wouldn’t be a very nice thing for me to do”

Soulless or not, he’d never allow her to walk home drunk. After all, the streets of Los Angeles weren’t safe for a vulnerable and inebriated young lady.

“Thanks for your concern, but really, I don’t want it.” This time, a stronger tug on her part ended with her hand being free.

He smiled demurely. “Tough shit, sweetness. I can’t have you wandering around, unguarded. Who knows what might happen to you. Rape, murder, mugged, beaten… The list is endless”

Cordelia rose her brows and ignored the way her fingers missed his. “Half of that list are things you’d do to me.”

“That’s different and you know it.” Angelus, showing the first signs of snapping, growled at her. “I wouldn’t do it because of hate or for the weird need for power, as most rapists do, I’d do it out of pleasure for the pain”

Spluttering tequila once more and coughing on the liquid now filling her lungs, the brunette tried to see through the hot water burning her eyes in an attempt to read his face.

Surely he couldn’t be serious, right?

Staring long and hard at his expression, she came to the conclusion that he was indeed serious. There was a twisted sense of nobility in what he said, it creeped and comforted at the same time. “You are so weird”

He shrugged and tossed back another drink, his tongue licked up stray drops of alcohol from his lips. “I do what I can.” He grinned wolfishly, both lightening and darkening the atmosphere between them a little more. “But with you, I’d do it out of love”

This caused her to laugh out loud and clap both hands across her mouth. “Love?” Cordelia finally stated, her eyes bright and sparkling with a pretty rosy tint to her cheeks. “You would torture me out of love? Love for what? Death wishes? Cus that’s what you obviously have”

“And given half the chance, you’d kill me out of love for the good natured and half-witted other self.” He knew he’d torture and he wasn’t afraid to use it if it got him what he wanted. “So what’s wrong with my wanting to do you out of love? Same thing”

She shook her head enough to make the room spin. “No, it’s completely different. I don’t want your good natured other self to suffer for things you do. But you on the other hand? Give me chains and a cattle prod. I’d show you loved-up torture”

Grinning smugly and folding his arms, Angelus clacked his tongue. “That’s torture, but not kill,” he pointed out. “If you were gonna dust me, sweetness, you would have already done it. You can’t, because to get rid of me would be admitting my good natured other self has gone bye-bye forever. Oh, the shame!”

Sending him a glare that had the capability to stop wars, Cordelia inwardly cursed his astute self. “I hate it when you’re right. Come to think of it, I hate you full stop.” Frowning when she went to reach for the bottle and missing, she made another and much more successful attempt.

“Yet, I on the other hand.” Ignoring her jibe to continue, “I’m the evil natured half and I haven’t been able to degrade you, never mind harm one hair on your pretty little head”

“Why haven’t you?” Call it morbid curiosity, but she had to know. “It can’t be for the scintillating conversations we have over tequila and side order of fries. Speaking of, I’m hungry.” The hand he had previously touched went to her stomach, fingers rubbing against her abdomen.

“I’m not surprised. That crappy low fat Greek yoghurt salad couldn’t have filled you. Truth?” Angelus wondered how badly she wanted to hear the answer.

“As always and no, I don’t wanna know how you knew what I ate for supper.” Checking her teeth for remnants of lettuce just in case, Cordelia’s face scrunched up into an unflattering expression that earned her a genuine grin.

Pausing to take the bottle from her and deciding not to tell about the white mark on the side of her pants, he drank and continued to give the elusive answer. “Because I don’t want to”

The brunette glanced at him, “That’s it?” Cordelia asked incredulously, with wide eyes and a disbelieving smile. “Because you don’t want to? No ‘Because I enjoy getting drunk off my ass with you?’ Or no ‘Because you and I have been friends, and I’d hate to lose you’?”

Angelus simply shook his head. “Don’t expect me to be sentimental.” Another drink was taken and he was starting to feel the effects a little. A slight giggle escaped as a few drops trickled down his chin. “Let’s go to Vegas and play Blackjack”

“With what? Brass buttons?” Since Angel Investigations had put investigating on hold, she had absolutely no spare cash at all and the pay from Caritas wasn’t fantastic, the only things she could do was pay rent and eat. “Besides, what if halfway there you suddenly decide you want to kill me?”

“Take a chance Cor,” he nudged her with an elbow. “Life’s full of risks. Makes it exciting, don’tcha think?”

“No.” She shook her head again and stopped when the room didn’t spin, tilting on it’s axis was more accurate. “We’re both drunk and getting done for it is not on my list of things to do. And anyways, the sun will be up in a few hours and you’ll go bye-bye”

Angelus sighed at her reluctance. “Like I said, life’s full of risks. Come on, sweetness, ya know ya want to.” He wanted to play and would absolutely not take no for an answer.

Throwing her hands high in submission and relenting, Cordelia ignored the voice that told her she was making a huge mistake that could end up in her untimely death, but what the hell. She was bored and lonely, not forgetting drunk, and around her favourite psycho. “No biting, killing, maiming or torturing of anyone including me?”

“That’s no fun” he sported a spectacular pout.

“Consider it a vacation from your chosen career, Norman. Agree and I’ll go”

“Norman?” Angelus mused for a second and quickly got the reference with a scowl. “I hate that name”

“Better than Dracula, wouldn’t you agree? Now help me off this stool, my legs don’t seem to be working.” Almost tripping in her shoes, Cordelia latched onto his offered arm and gave Lorne a sheepish grin. “I’ll call”

“Make sure you do, my little lamb. Good service is hard to come by nowadays.” The reference to slaughtered animals not lost on either Angelus or Cordelia.

“I hope to get some of that good service personally.” The vampire stated, his voice full of promises that made the listening demons snigger and give him the thumbs up. A stone cold look sent their way had them instantly cramming their mouths firmly shut.

A huff from the ex-cheerleader got his attention. “Are you ready or are you wanting to yap some more?”

This time when he grinned, it sent a sliver of fire through her veins and she wondered what the fuck she’d gotten herself into.

The End


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