Who Said You Only Live Once? 82-Epi

Part 82

Angel leaned up against the outside of Cordy’s apartment door. He was exhausted.

The only thing that he had been thinking about since leaving Buffy was getting home and crawling into bed with Cordy, gathering her love in his arms, hoping that she could help him make sense of what happened with Buffy, believing that she understood his need to make sure that Buffy was okay, knowing in his soul that Cordelia could wash away his sorrow at making things worse for Buffy.

Hell, he had just wanted to return to the surety of his love for Cordelia.

But that wasn’t going to happen now. And it made him angry. Stupid girl, doubting his love wasn’t real. Angel shook his head and tried pleading with Dennis to open the door, since his earlier threats of exorcism hadn’t worked.

The door jerked open causing Angel to fall to the floor inside the apartment. Angel got to his feet choking back his growl and thanking Dennis for his acquiesce, accepting the ghost’s need not to make it easy.

Angel stood at the side of Cordelia’s bed wanting so much just lie down. He sat on the bed, gracing her profile with a slight touch. Dried tears. Angel closed his eyes. She may have been stupid, but so had he. He hurt her. But it could be fixed.

“Cordy.” He said softly, brushing her hair out of her face. “Cordy, wake up.”

“Angel.” She murmured, her eyes fluttering.

“Yeah. Come on wake up.”

Cordelia blinked her eyes opening wide at the vampire. She shot up and scrambled away from his touch.

“What are you doing here? Get out.”

“I’m here to take you home.” He said calmly ignoring her anger.

“I am home.” She glared.

“No, your home is at the hotel, with me.”

“You kicked me out. Ordered me to leave.”

Angel frowned. “I never kicked you out.” Angel had finally understood what Wesley had been trying to explain. He could see how his need to see Buffy could be interpreted as something other than it was, Cordelia should’ve known better, but he could understand it. But her actually thinking he kicked her out? Impossible.

“Did too. Right after you ordered me to take a shower. Though why you cared if I was clean or not, I don’t have a clue.” She shot back. “Now, get out, don’t you have a blonde to be with.”

Angel rubbed his face in frustration. “I didn’t order you to take a shower.”

“You did too, why are you still here.” Cordelia moved to get off the bed. “GET OUT.”

Angel took a deep breath, moving quickly, his hand holding the young woman in place. “Shut up.”


The bedroom door shut quietly, leaving Angel and Cordelia alone.

“What did you do to my ghost?” Cordy yelled.

“Begged and explained. Cordy, I didn’t order…. Fine.” He said at her glare. “I ordered you to take a shower because we had just been training. I knew that you wouldn’t want to drive for three hours without having one.”

“What…” Cordelia blinked in shocked anger. “You not only kicked me out, you kicked me out three hours away. What did you think, I’d cramp your love in with Buffy? Scared I compare notes, TELL HER, what a big fat liar you are. GET OUT.”

“I never kicked you out.” Angel shouted.

“You did too. You asked when I was leaving, sounding a lot like kicking out to me.” She yelled.

“That’s because you’re stupid and stubborn.”

Cordelia swung.

Angel caught her hand before the impact. “Cordelia. I told you to take a shower. You refused, being pretty bitchy by the way, so then I ASKED YOU IF YOU WERE LEAVING- “


Angel took another deep breath. “I ASKED you if you were leaving with me to go to Sunnydale to see Buffy. I had thought that you would want to go with me on the THREE HOUR drive.”

Cordelia blinked, the words rolling around in her head having no meaning that she could understand. “You asked me to take a shower because you wanted me to go with you to see Buffy.” She repeated slowly, hoping that saying the words out loud would lead to their meaning.

“Yes.” Angel took a deep breath.

Cordelia gapped. “You wanted me to go with you to see Buffy.”

“Yes.” Angel repeated.


“Cordy, I love you, you love me, seeing Buffy was important for me, I just assumed that’s what couples in love do, share the things that are important to them. I know I’m not good at this stuff, but that’s what I thought. And I assumed you would want to go, if for no other reason because you wouldn’t want me to be alone with Buffy. Sorry, I made the wrong assumption that you loved me enough to want to share something important to me or be jealous.”

Cordelia concentrated on each of Angel’s words. Her eyes narrowed when he uttered his last sentence. “DIDN’T LOVE YOU ENOUGH, what kind of stupid statement is that.”

“Well, you didn’t want to go, did you?”

Cordelia smacked the vampire. “You didn’t tell me that you wanted me to. How was I supposed to know?”

“Because I love you and you love me.”

“It was Buffy, why in the world would you think that I would assume that you wanted me to go with you to see the resurrected love of your life.”

“Because she’s not the love of my life, you are, I told you that.”

“So… You’re not going back to Buffy. What, she didn’t she want you back or something?” Cordelia still not completely trusting Angel.

“Cordy,” Angel growled in his hands, his head shaking in frustration. “I love you, you are my life, you are my future, Buffy is my past. How many times am I going to have to tell you before you believe me.”

Cordelia bit at her lips, her tone less hostile but still doubting. “You went running back to her quick enough.”

“I wanted to see Buffy, because I wanted to see for myself that she was alive. I was in a hurry because when I talked to her on the phone she didn’t sound right. Buffy is one of the very few things in my past that I can look on with some pleasure. I loved her. She loved me. I will always want to be there if she needs me. BUT, I won’t leave you, ever, I love you.”

Cordelia leaned back scrunching her face, remembering Angel’s previous assurances and words of love that she used to damn him after he left. “You were telling the truth, you love me.”

“DUH.” Angel slumped his shoulders in relief.

“Oh.” Cordelia chewed on her bottom lip. A slight smile flirted along Cordelia’s lips as a great weight started to lift and her heart tugged back together. “So, how is Buffy?” She asked lightly, her tone suddenly devoid of any anger, jealousy, or doubt, just curiosity.

Angel shook his head at the change. “She’s not very good.”

“Why not? What happened? Are you all right?”

“Not really.” Angel scooted closer to Cordelia. “I’m exhausted. For the last three hours, all I could think about was getting home to you, crawling into bed together. Can I please finally do that?”

“Oh.” Cordelia quickly lay down, tugging at the covers to let Angel in beside her.

“Naked.” Angel clarified.

“Oh.” Cordelia scrambled, pulling off her sweats and t-shirt.

Angel’s clothes dropped instantly to the floor. He slid into the bed, immediately pulling Cordelia tight against him capturing her with his legs and arms. “Heaven.” He murmured into her neck, nuzzling against the flesh.

Cordelia sighed rubbing her cheek against Angel’s thick hair. Angel came back to her. Correction he never left her. He really did love her. “Angel.”


“You can keep telling me that you love me over and over again, all the time, but not anymore because you have to convince me, just because I love to hear it all the time.”

Angel looked up. “I can do that.” He gently reached up and cupped her chin. “I am sorry that I didn’t tell you again when Buffy called. I’m sorry that you had to suffer that. I do love you, Cordy.”

“I know. I love you. So, what’s wrong with Buffy?”

Angel groaned. He had wanted to talk to Cordelia about Buffy, but at that moment he just wanted to soak in Cordelia’s essence, maybe start some kissing and more touching.

“Angel,” Cordelia insisted, lightly tapping him on his shoulder. “You said that things didn’t go well, what happened.”

Angel rolled on to his back, resting his head on the pillow of Cordy’s breast, taking her hand, and intertwining their fingers.

“It started out all right. She seemed off, but I hadn’t seen her in awhile and under the circumstances it wasn’t really unusual. But then, “ Angel moved again, thinking better of the position he was in. Angel sat up against the bed, tucking Cordelia tightly against his chest and between his legs, pinning her legs underneath, just as he held her arms in a hug around her body.

Cordelia rolled her eyes and got comfortable in the new position. Sometimes, Angel moved her around like she was live doll. She squirmed a little. He was holding her pretty tightly. “Angel?”

“I was saying,” he leaned his chin on her shoulder. “That everything was going all right, but then she dragged me out of the diner and threw me up against the side of the wall and tried to kiss me,” he said quickly, tightening his hold as he felt Cordelia’s body tense as she listened and understood the meaning.

“She did what?” Cordelia squirmed trying to break loose. “Let me go. That pushy blonde little tramp, I’m going to kill her, see if she comes back this time.” Cordelia struggled against the vampire. “You better have not enjoyed it or you’re dead too. Let me go.”

“If I let you go, will you promise to listen and not jump up and start yelling?”

Cordelia clenched her jaw trying to break Angel’s hold. Damn vampire. He trapped her in a cuddly unbreakable hold on purpose.


“Fine, I promise.” She grumbled.

Angel loosened his embrace. Cordelia quickly separated herself from the vampire. “I’m listening,” she glared.

“That’s it really, she said that she wanted me to kiss her to feel something…”

“Feel something, Ah,” Cordy scoffed.

“No, Cordy. She was serious. She said that she couldn’t feel anything since she got back. She didn’t want me. She just needed to feel something. It was sad and little scary.”

“Scary?” Cordelia scrunched her nose further, any jealousy that she had turning into confusion. Cordelia scrunched up her face.

“The desperation in her need. Something happened to her…I thought it was just that she had been trapped in a hell dimension but she said something about her family hurting her. I didn’t understand, I still don’t. And I think….”

“Wait. Buffy was in a hell-dimension? Wesley just said that Willow did a spell that resurrected her. She was trapped in a hell-dimension? I thought she died, that’s…”

“She did. It was when she was fighting Glory. She jumped into an opening portal to a hell dimension that would’ve destroyed the world, her death closed it, Willow explained it more fully when I talked to her.”

“That doesn’t make any sense, Angel.” Cordelia sat up crossing her legs, leaning on her elbows. “Buffy died, the Scoobies buried her. She wasn’t trapped in a hell dimension.”

“Willow said…”

“I know what Willow said. She raised Buffy from the dead. What part of Buffy was supposed to be in this hell-dimension? Not her body?”

“Her soul.” Angel suggested.

“Her soul? Angel, she died. Why would her soul get trapped in a hell-dimension?”

“Because she was closing….”

“Angel, if that’s true that really sucks. She died saving the world. You’re telling me that her soul went to hell rather than heaven or whatever is out there. She was…is a champion. Geez, if I had my gotten head chopped off in Pylea my soul would’ve stayed in that hell dimension? If you died saving the world, by closing a Portal to another hell dimension, your soul would get trapped there. Well, that just sucks, if it’s true.”

Angel sat up. “You think that Buffy died and…went where?”

Cordelia shrugged. “Heaven, I’d hope. I don’t know about theology or the semantics of the Powers. I’m just saying you’d think that they would have a better option for their champions that died saving the world, that’s all. Buffy, whatever her fashion faults, was a major, like primo major player for the good guys, if there is a heaven, then she deserves to go, big time, bad fashion aside. I don’t think that counts.”

Angel considered, absentmindedly-pulling Cordelia back into his embrace, lying down on the bed. “If she was in heaven and Willow did a spell that brought her back…”

“….to have to fight all the evil in the world, again- Buffy might be a little cranky. I mean, I don’t know, Buffy didn’t tell you she had been ripped from heaven, so maybe she was in a hell dimension.” Cordelia snuggled further into Angel’s arms.


Cordelia leaned up. “You could always go back and ask her. I’ll go with you.”

“I don’t think that would be a good idea.”

“What now, I can’t go. I won’t show my sword or even hit her for trying to maul you, I promise.”

“That’s not it, she didn’t take it well when I told her about us.”

Cordelia leaned up further. “You told her?”

“Of course.”

“Oh.” Cordelia flopped against the vampire in surprise. Every remaining speck of doubt disappeared as Cordelia’s heart zoomed together making it happier, fuller and stronger than it had even been.

Angel caressed along Cordy’s shoulder down her arm. “I wanted to explain to her that she needed to let her friends help, to let them in, not to act out of desperation just to feel again, like my family did for me, you especially. She didn’t hear me, just said I couldn’t help her.”

God, how she loved Angel; and Cordelia was at that moment truly sorry that he couldn’t help Buffy. It was funny how the final security in Angels’ love could allow her to acknowledge, really acknowledge Angel’s love for Buffy, and wish that he could’ve helped her, while understanding why he couldn’t, with out doubt or fear.

Cordelia caressed his strong jaw. “Maybe you can’t. Angel, you can’t fix everything no matter how much you want to. Will and want doesn’t always overcome the circumstances. This maybe something Buffy will have to come to on her own. But if it makes you feel less broody, I think you gave good advice.” She said softly, love and pride in her eyes.

Angel looked down. “You do?”

“Sure, wherever Buffy was, she’s alive now and having problems, she does need to accept that she has to learn how to live again, and having friends and family around, letting them help her is the best way. You gave good advice. If she doesn’t take it, that’s not your fault, you tried because you do love her and want the best for her.”

“You think?”

“I know, I’m Cordelia Chase, I know things.”

Angel laughed hugging her tightly. “I’ve never met anybody like you. I love you.”

“Duh, I know that too.” She cocked her brow. The lovely picture was interrupted by an inelegant yawn.

Angel chuckled, settling firmly in the mattress, enfolding Cordelia’s warmth against him knowing that if he needed the oxygen he also be yawning. “I can’t believe I’m going to say this but can we wait until the morning to make love. I’m exhausted.”

“Hmmph.” Cordelia yawned, snuggling closer. “Okay,” yawning again,” but we’re getting up early. Oh shoot.”

“What?” Angel opened an eye.

“Drapes. Dennis,” she called out. “Please, make sure all the curtains are closed.”

She smiled as heard the swooshing of the drapes.

“Thanks, Dennis,” Angel mumbled.


Angel smiled as he slowly woke. He knew immediately where he was and who was covering him. It made him want to jump up for the joy of it all.

But, if he did that then the body that blanketed him would leave. Angel wanted to laugh. Every night with Cordy was a new adventure. He was beginning to think she believed he was her own personal mattress always finding a way to sprawl and cover him completely.

Not that he was complaining. Cordy always managed to find bits and parts of his body that hadn’t felt the warmth of touch in eons, coating and soothing, bringing life to the dead bit of flesh.

Angel wrinkled his nose at the wisp of dark hair that trailed under his nose and over his lips. He manufactured his breath of air, watching the strain flutter back to its position on him.

He slightly turned his head, gently moving the hand that was cupped under his arm.

The delicate fingers jerked and moved, then hurried back to the skin it had left.
Angel nudged at the leg draped over his waist. It managed to stay off his body for he would guess less than five seconds.

This was a game he could play for many minutes or hours. Move any part of the young woman and in her sleep searched immediately for him. It was exhilarating to know that she needed his presence even in her sleep. But, he wanted more than unconscious affirmation.

Angel trailed his hand down over the body that covered him, this time not to test a theory but to tease, tantalize and wake.

He smiled more when Cordy’s body squirmed, moving, adjusting, and keening into his hand. But still it wasn’t’ enough.

Angel kissed at her brow, pushing back her hair. His tongue moistening the hairline, tasting to the cheek.

Cordelia sighed, inching closer to the touch her eyes lids fluttering as she moaned.

Angel’s hand crept up cupping a handful of smooth soft flesh, tweaking at the brown tip.

Cordelia slowly opened her eyes. “I take it, it’s time to wake up,” she whispered, adjusting her body more to cover Angel’s hips.

“It’s morning, it’s early.” Angel grabbed behind her neck bringing her lips into a full kiss, his tongue moving with an urgency that developed as soon as the awakened hazel eyes peered into his.

Cordelia moved again, never losing contact, sucking, nipping and darting her tongue around Angel’s, teasing, as it never stayed still, daring it to catch her.

Angel growled lowly bringing her head closer. His firm grasp stilled her teasing as his tongue reaped the texture and taste of her, taking over the kiss, possessing it.

Cordelia pulled up. “Angel. I was playing.”

“And I had a horrible day, yesterday, I needed to be comforted.” He pouted, his dark eyes widening in a hangdog puppy look of need.

“Of for gods sake,” Cordelia laughed, kissing him unmercifully in sharp quick kisses along his face. “You’re shameless, using the puppy dog look so early.”

“What?” Angel looked staring in wide eyes brown innocence.

“Shameless, Fine.” Cordelia huffed, turning over to her back, throwing her arms wide. “You win.”

Angel leaned up gazing at the sprawled naked perfection. “Oh, Cordy,” he licked his lips. “A miscalculation.”

Cordelia sighed as Angel’s lips attacked her belly, running trails of moist kisses and licks towards her legs. “I don’t think so. I think I calculated just right.” She wiggled closer to his touch.

Angel peered up. “What happened to you needing to be the one to explore and discover?”

Cordy shrugged delicately, a wicked smile on her face. “Sure, but who am I to prevent to from your pleasure, after all you pouted so effectively. Do what you have to do.’ She waved an elegant hand in the air.

Angel considered the smug smile on the young woman’s face and the heat rising from his goal. He wanted to call her bluff, really he did, but the aroma was so damn tempting. “You win. Next time.” He moved swiftly engulfing the warm full lips of Cordelia’s center. He tasted and kissed, and then he looked. Christ. He really had lost, her moist petals were quivering, desire, sure, but he impossibly saw laughter there.

Fuck it. He moved in again, kissing and tonguing the cradle of Cordy, such a sweet taste, more than sweet, life giving. Angel gulped up the flavor that was getting tart as he pushed his tongue further. Arousal in a woman was a bittersweet lovely taste; arousal in his Cordy was nectar to be savored, explored, and worshiped.

Damn. Cordelia tried to maintain her nonchalant teasing tone but the tingling building from Angel’s touch reached her toes and every nerve to her scalp.

She grasped on to the sheets, clutching them, but that wasn’t enough. She latched on to the dark hair between her thighs, but that wasn’t enough. She dug her nails into the broad shoulders. “Angel, please. I need you over me and in me. I have to feel you, all of you.” She demanded.

Angel slowed in his endeavors. He could have stayed where he was forever. But, his Cordy was ordering him to move. Angel moved. He slid his body over Cordy’s. “You rang?”

“God, I liked you better when you didn’t think you had a sense of humor.” She yanked his lips to hers.

“Does that mean I shouldn’t tell you the joke Gunn told me?” He posed over her.

“Angel, if this is your way of payback, remember I’ve my own,” Cordelia narrowed her eyes, trying to pull him closer.

Angel smiled and shifted his hips, thrusting to fill her. “Cordy, when have I ever been the revenge type?”

Cordelia laughed, yanking his hips down as her jerked up. “Stupid, gorgeous, dumb, dangerous, loveable vampire.” She whispered forcing the movement of their hips.

Angel closed his eyes feeling the love and pleasure that encased him, choked him, then released him, then quickly captured him again. He had a retort somewhere in his mind, but it was lost, as the rhythm took over.


Cordy woke up, not being able to move. What was with the vampire? He pulled and pushed her around like she was a pillow. Did he not have the concept of space? She inched closer, rubbing her hands along his chest. She would teach him the benefits of sleeping within your own space when she re-learned it.

Cordelia nibbled at the arms that held her securely, she made it to Angel’s elbow before a deep voice and dark eyes stopped her. “You want?”

Cordelia moved, her bottom lip drooping. “Nothing,” She straddled his hips. “It’s just.” She shrugged and her bottom lip got fuller. “You always win.”

Angel narrowed his eyes. “I never win.”

“Oh sure, says the humble winner. Hmmph.” She wetted her pouting lips. “You never let me win.”

“Cordy, I distinctly remember saying ‘You win.’ If fact more than once.”

“You were just saying that.” She leaned down caressing his chest, kissing at his jaw. “That’s why you are so sweet.” She pouted more.

“Cordy.” Angel said calmly.

“Yes, Angel.”

“Fuck you and your need to win.” Angel moved and thrust into Cordelia.

Angel sank into the warmth and welcome. “You knew didn’t you?”

“A girls’ got do what a girl’s got to do, Angel.” Cordelia grinned pulling the vampire more into her embrace, her hips moving continuously.


“It’s like..” Fred looked at the clock. “Three in the afternoon. Should we be worried? I mean, Cordy’s phone is always busy and their cell phones keep ringing.”

“You called their cell phones?” Wesley shook his head.

“I was worried.” Fred said righteously.

“Well, don’t. It’s been 24 hours, without a word from either Angel or Cordy. Things are fine.”

Fred frowned. “Charles?”

“I’d be surprised if we see them in the next 24 hours.”

“So that’s good.” Fred asked.

“Yeah, Yes.” Both Wesley and Gunn blurted out.

The End


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