Part 3
“Let’s try this again,” Said Mr. Gabriel, pointing towards the board, “If A plus B equals C, then C must equal what?”
The response was disappointing. A couple of students shifted nervously in their chairs, Mr. Harris – the usual wisecracker of the group – looked balefully up at the stand-in teacher and then at the dark-haired girl off to his left, before back to the pencil in his hand.
“Ms… Ms, uh…” Glancing down at his lesson plan, Mr. Gabriel frowned slightly. Almost three weeks in Sunnydale and he still didn’t know the names of his students, “Ah yes, Ms. Summers?”
“Huh?” Buffy’s head snapped up, eyes flitting wildly to the board, puzzled, confused and aware that still, she was flunking math, big style.
“Did anyone do the reading from last week?”
A hand went up, making Mr. Gabriel smile, “Ah, Ms. Rosenberg, as always…”
“Twenty-five!” The shout came from one of the most surprising of sources.
Turning his head, Mr. Gabriel glanced at the student who’d answered, eyebrow raised. “Ms. Kendall?”
“Well, twenty-five’s a good number, right? I mean, it could be…” Said Harmony, giving one of her ‘I Don’t Really Know The Right Answer, But At Least I tried’ grins.
Suppressing a groan, the substitute teacher shook his head, about to launch into why it wasn’t twenty-five and how picking a number, just because it was ‘good’ wasn’t the way algebra worked. There was a set formula, a reason why A plus B equalled C…
Of course, time wasn’t on his side. The bell rang out sharply, covered over quickly by the scraping of chairs and the rustle of papers being tossed into book bags. “Read through Chapter 9 for next week!” He called, his request falling on mostly deaf ears.
Out in the hallway, Cordelia watched as her fellow students parted to let her pass, some smiling nervously at her, some avoiding her eyes. Was this really how it had been in high school? Why hadn’t she noticed this?
And what the hell was she, royalty? Oh, how she’d fallen from grace…
Her problem today, seemed to be her locker. It was a nice one, as lockers went, still the same as she remembered it – only, this time around, it seemed to not want to open. Cordelia had spent more time that day trying to get her locker open than wondering what it was she was supposed to tell Buffy and Angel about his curse, which had been the most pressing problem on her mind, closely followed by Xander.
The night before had been… Brutal.
And that was putting it mildly.
He hadn’t even put up that much of a fight as far as Cordelia was concerned. Asked her why, stood there tight-lipped as she explained that they couldn’t be together and that no, this wasn’t about Harmony or any of the other Cordette’s – this was her, all her. It was her decision and she was sorry.
What was she supposed to say? ‘In a few months time I’m going to walk in and find you kissing Willow?’ Or the other truth? ‘I’m in love with a man you don’t even know, not really. He’s older than you, by quite a bit. And he makes me happy.’
Sure, that’d go down well.
Or she could go for the funny aneurysm, ‘Xander, I’m in love with Angel.’
Even better.
Ten points for originality she supposed – this whole ‘I’m from the future’ crap.
Jamming her fist into her locker, Cordelia let out a yelp, feeling one of her perfectly manicured nails bend and snap, the locker barely moving as it registered the contact.
“Sturdy things, lockers these days.” Said a voice from behind her. “Just don’t make ’em like they used to.”
“Hey Xander.” Slowly, Cordelia turned, taking in his appearance. He looked like hell and that was putting it mildly.
“I’d still like to be friends, Xander.”
“I have a problem with that. We never were friends, Cordelia.”
“A-are you okay?” She asked softly, wincing as soon as the words left her mouth.
“Okay? Let’s define okay. Okay would be… Not dead, considering the irony of where we live. Okay would be… Not heartbroken.”
“I know.” She whispered softly, eyes drifting away from his.
“You know? How? You’re telling me you know this feeling? I wouldn’t have thought you’d had much experience in being dumped.”
“Nice shot, Xander. Feel better?”
Sighing, Xander leaned forward and thumped her locker. “Not really no.” He said as the door sprang open – almost knocking him to the floor in the process. “Might wanna get the caretaker to look at that…”
“Xander, listen,” Started Cordelia, reaching out to take hold of his arm, “I never…”
“You never meant to hurt me. I know that, Cordy. You told me.”
Cordelia watched as he walked away, turning back towards her locker. This sucked. This more than sucked – she hadn’t wanted to hurt him, not in the least, but how was she supposed to date him knowing what had happened, knowing that she was in love with someone else?
“Cordelia?”
Great, like her day could get worse now.
“Y’know, sometimes, I wonder if Harmony’s head is on the right way…” Continued the slayer, softly, clutching an armful of books and folders en-route to her own locker. She watched as slowly, Cordelia turned round. Strangely, Buffy was primed for fight – ready, should the kitten-heel-wedged-in-forehead scenario begin to play. “I wanted to talk to you about something…”
“Let me guess,” Said Cordelia, frowning, “Xander. Look, Buffy, no offense but–“
“Not about Xander. I know what happened and as much as I’m not loving the Xander-hurting parts, that has nothing to do with me.”
“Oh…” Cordelia looked at Buffy, puzzled, “Well, what is it?”
“Angel…” Buffy watched closely, seeing Cordelia’s breath hitch slightly. “He… He told me that he saw you last night, you were upset.”
For a moment, Cordelia didn’t speak – how could she? Short of blurting out that she loved Angel, Cordelia was at a loss for words.
“I know we haven’t been friends, Cordelia, but… Angel seemed to think that there was something really wrong. I just wanted to… Well, I’m here. If you need to talk or anything, y’know?”
Great, thought Cordelia, The one girl I’m supposed to hate, even though she’ll never get to know why is offering me a friendly ear and a shoulder to cry on.
The familiar Queen C bitch role slid back into play and Cordelia frowned, “What is this, your Rich-Bitch outreach program? Angel caught me at a bad moment last night, okay? We’re not friends Buffy, we’re not going to be friends. So take your good intentions and your offers of talking some place else.”
Cordelia spun on her heel, intending on leaving and wondering all the while why she’d done that when she felt a hand on her arm, stopping her.
“I don’t buy it, Cordelia.” Buffy’s hand was firm – not hurting, but gripping enough to keep her in place. “When Angel saw you last night…” Buffy faltered, knowing that most of the time, she didn’t like Cordelia, but even she wasn’t blind, “Whatever it is, you’re not alone in this. If I – If we – can help, that means any of us, we will. You know that.”
Cordelia sighed, her face softening a moment, “I know that but… Believe me, you’re the last person I need help from right now.” Buffy’s mouth moved to say something, to offer some words of advice or offers of help, but Cordelia cut her off. “It’s nothing personal. It’s not about you or Angel or Xander, it’s just something I need to work through myself, okay? I’m sorry…”
Buffy’s grip loosened on her arm and Cordelia walked away, down the corridor, bag thrown over her shoulder. Even though she knew what to do, she had no idea how to approach this – how to say to Buffy and Angel that she knew exactly what was in their future, that she knew, that doing something that felt right together, in consummating what she was sure was a loving relationship, they’d damn each other to a lifetime of torment and pain.
From way back in the corridor, Buffy watched – more sure than ever, that Angel was right. Something really was wrong – and from the growing pit of fear in her stomach, Buffy had the idea that whatever it was, it wasn’t good.
***
“It was just weird,” Said Buffy, looking at Angel, “I mean, sure, she’s always been a bitch but she’s never apologised for being a bitch, that’s just not the Cordelia Chase way.”
“Maybe you’re being a little hard on her.” Angel glanced at Buffy, noting the shocked look on her face. That mightn’t have been the best thing to say – ever since he’d known Buffy, Cordelia had been the bane of her life in one way or another – trying to prove herself better than the slayer. The latest had come in the attempt of getting to know him a little better, showing up at the Bronze, talking to him – making him laugh, surprisingly. There was a side to Cordelia that Angel got the feeling not a lot of people saw, a side that he mightn’t have noticed if he hadn’t spent the last 100 years brooding and watching people.
This last effort had worked. He’d noticed her all right, noticed her to the extent of seeing something in her eyes that he couldn’t place, a sadness that had deepened when she’d seen him.
“What?” He continued, “I’m just saying, that’s all. Knowing what she knows about the world around her, it’s hard not to get sucked into this stuff. It makes you re-evaluate what’s important.”
“Oo-kay,” Said Buffy carefully, “But why now, I mean she’s had a couple of months now to get over the fact that vampires and stuff are real, what’s the big?” She herself knew that she’d been much like Cordelia back in LA, cared only about herself and which popular guy was hanging off her arm, but why had Cordelia decided that changing now was the right thing to do? No, something else was going on – be it intuition or slayer spidey-senses, Buffy knew.
“Maybe she realised that–“
“Did you hear that?” Buffy interrupted sharply. Patrol had been quiet tonight, no vamps or otherworldly uglies for the pair to work out frustration on.
Angel’s body immediately straightened, his eyes darkening. He pointed to the clearing ahead of them, seeing a shadow move a second before Buffy did. “Over there…”
The pair moved forward, actions mirroring the others as it did so many times on patrol. The scene they came across however, was enough to make them both stop and gawp. For Angel, it was the exact same kick she’d perfected on him when he’d come across her the night before – her body spinning in a near-perfect circle, leg outstretched, connecting with the side of the vampires head and knocking it to the floor.
The fight wasn’t over and in the split second that Buffy and Angel watched, Cordelia was taken off guard, legs swept from underneath her and knocked on to her back with a grunt of pain. Right after that, Buffy moved – the vampire hovering over Cordelia, fangs bared and glistening in the light of the cemetery.
Angel growled, hauling the vampire up by its neck as Buffy, ever resourceful, slammed her stake right through his heart, coughing as her breath caught a little of the dust the vampire had left behind.
Stooping slightly, Angel extended a hand and looked at Cordelia, frowning, “Are you all right?”
“Do I look all right?” She snapped, “I think I broke something.”
“And there’s the Cordelia we all know and love,” Said Buffy dryly, “What’re you doing out here anyway? It’s a cemetery, it’s night-time and– Oh God, you weren’t trying to…” Her voice tapered off and Buffy balked, “Were you?”
“Was I what?”
“Trying to get yourself y’know…”
“What, killed?” Cordelia looked at her incredulously, “Are you crazy? Actually, don’t answer that. I came to see you two, I kinda… Well I have something to tell you and it’s going to sound weird and strange but… This is a Hellmouth, so you’re used to weird and strange.” The logical part of her was reminding her that she was throwing away everything she knew and loved about the future, but that it was the right thing to do.
Her heart told a different story. Her heart was breaking, snapping clean in two and reminding her that without her, without what she was doing now, Angel was going to lose everything. In a way though, Angel was gaining something now too – something he’d wanted for a long time.
Buffy.
“So, spill…?” Said Buffy, cautiously, “What’s wrong?”
“Can we go somewhere?” Asked Cordelia, softly, “I don’t feel like sharing this in the middle of a cemetery with vamp dust all over me…”
“Sure, we can go to the library. Giles is expecting me after–“
“No!” Said Cordelia, a little too quickly. Giles had warned against this very thing she was going to do, told her that it would be detrimental and a whole other host of big words that were extremely off-putting.
It hadn’t mattered.
She owed it to Angel to do this. Even if this Angel in front of her wasn’t her Angel, she owed this to him, owed this to the person she knew and loved in the future.
“Look, no offence and all – I mean, I like Giles as much as the next stuffy British person, but I really don’t want to be blurting this out in front of him.” Said Cordelia.
“We can use my place,” Offered Angel, glancing between the two women.
Cordelia nodded and started walking, ahead and out of the cemetery. Suddenly, she stopped, realising that she shouldn’t really know that Angel had lived near the Bronze, her now hadn’t known that – and damn, wasn’t that confusing – not knowing what she was and wasn’t supposed to know now. It wouldn’t matter, soon. In a few minutes, she could tell them what she knew and then she could go back to being… Just Cordelia. She could forget about Angel and her feelings, she could say goodbye because that, that right there, was the right thing to do.
“Something wrong?” Angel and Buffy stopped next to her, both curious as to what she’d seen or heard. She shook her head though and the trio were off again, the uncomfortable silence between them growing. Reluctant though she was to blurt it out in the cemetery, Cordelia wasn’t about to blurt it out on the street – they’d have her committed!
Of course, they’d probably have her committed anyway – but… How could she be lying about something like this? How could she know so much about Angel’s past without being told about it? And to her knowledge, they’d never shared more than brief conversation together in this time.
“We’re here.”
Apparently, more time had passed than Cordelia had realised because there they were and in the next few minutes, Cordelia was damning herself to a future without Angel. She was changing Angel’s past and in the process, changing her own life, maybe forever.
“Hello, earth to Cordy…? Hey!” The barest of emotions passed across Cordelia’s face and Buffy was stunned, realising that she’d never seen such raw hurt, not from Cordelia, not ever.
“Cordelia…?” Angel looked at her, his door opened. Her head snapped up then and Angel was left watching, puzzled, as she slipped underneath his arm and into his apartment. He would have sworn at that moment that he’d seen tears glistening in her eyes, if Buffy hadn’t coughed and broke him from his stare.
“I don’t like this,” Admitted Buffy, glancing up at Angel, “Spidey senses doing the wacky right now.”
If he was honest, Angel didn’t like this either – what could be that important, that shocking, that she wouldn’t want to say it in front of Giles. By all accounts, the Watcher was someone the others looked up to and even though Cordelia didn’t spend a lot of time with the man, or in fact Buffy and her friends, he’d have thought that Giles might have been the person she’d chosen to go to first.
“There’s nothing much we can do,” He said softly, trying to reassure her, “Except listen and see if she needs help. That’s all we can give her right now.”
Nodding, Buffy went inside, her gaze immediately falling on Cordelia who was pacing the room, hands wringing nervously. She’d never looked more vulnerable to Buffy then, as though every a wall had crumbled and left behind someone else, someone… Different.
“Cordy, listen, whatever it is–“
“Actually,” She interrupted, voice taut with an emotion neither of her audience could place, “This is your turn to listen.” She paced again, telling herself that this was the right thing and swallowing the lump in her throat, before turning to them, tears glistening in her eyes, “I’ve practised this speech so many times over the past couple of days and nothing I want to say seems to want to come out right.” She laughed, the nervousness leaving a sour taste in her mouth.
She only had to look at Angel to know she was doing the right thing. This was where he belonged, in Sunnydale, with Buffy, not with her… Not with a broken future and a dead son.
The pair remained silent and Cordelia wished one of them would speak up – take away her spotlight. This rested on her shoulders though, this was her mission, the one thing she owed Angel even though this Angel wasn’t hers and now, never would be.
This was her fight – only it felt like she was losing.
“It sounds crazy. Even as I think it, it sounds crazy, and then I think that maybe Xander would be better off here, because he’d maybe at least have seen enough wacky Star Trek episodes to crack a funny joke ’cause really? I’m coming up with nothing funny…”
“Cordy…? What is it?” Asked Angel, softly, starting to wonder if maybe he was getting better at this whole placating, reassuring thing.
“I’m… I’m from the future.” Said Cordelia, continuing hurriedly, as if maybe telling them it all in one breath would make it more believable. “God, this is crazy but… I am. I have to tell you some stuff, about my past, your future… And it’s not all pretty.”
“Oo-kay…” Said Buffy, “Did you hit your head when that vamp knocked you down?”
“Why do people keep asking me that?!” She snapped, “No, no bumps to the head. Look, there’s only so much I can tell you without completely ruining your life but–” Her gaze shifted to Angel, “In the future, we’re friends. Good friends, actually. And let’s just say that a road you take here leads to badness that I’m willing to prevent in the future.”
His eyes darkened considerably, worry flooding his normally collected features. “Badness?”
“Badness,” She nodded, unwilling to divulge anything more than that. “I’m telling you this because we’re friends and because I don’t like to see you hurting more than you need to. You can check information with Giles, research your history if you want to – get the deal with your curse – anything you need to back up what I’m telling you is fine with me… But you have to listen and you have to promise me that you’ll at least hear me out before you send for the men with the white jackets, deal?”
There was a collective pause, Buffy and Angel glancing between each other. There was nothing in Cordelia’s voice to suggest malice or mocking. Nothing to suggest that she had gone crazy – whatever it was, Cordelia believed what she was saying wholeheartedly and the pair had no choice but to listen.
“Okay,” Said Buffy softly, crossing to perch on the end of Angel’s desk, “We’re listening.”
Oddly enough, the moments where Cordelia had started to wonder whether she was doing the right thing had started to slip away. The moments where indecision filled her and she was left with unanswered questions were few and far between – this, right here, was the greatest thank you she could ever give Angel, the best ticket to his redemption. This was her mission, her responsibility.
“I guess that means it’s my turn to talk, huh?”
Angel, seeing that the words weren’t coming easy for her and that she was stumbling over what to say, glanced at Buffy then back at Cordelia, “We’re friends… How?”
“Well uhm, you moved away to Los Angeles, not long after we – meaning Buffy and the rest of the gang – did the whole apocalypse thing again. I was there and you saved me from a vampire called Russell Winters. You hired me to– Well, be your secretary.”
“I have a business?”
“You’re a vampire detective,” She smiled, “We help the hopeless, that was our motto. I made that up.”
Feeling his lips quirk up into a smile, Angel’s gaze settled on Buffy, she obviously wasn’t liking this too much. If he lived in LA – he was assuming that either she still lived in Sunnydale or the other, much worse option. “What about Buffy…?”
“Oh, she’s still little Miss Likes To Fight, attending college, all good.” Wisely, Cordelia left off the ‘hey, you died’ part after seeing the look on Buffy’s face.
“I don’t understand,” Said Buffy, having mulled it over, “If Angel lives in LA and you two are friends, then why– Well, why isn’t he still here?”
Cordelia sighed, running a hand tiredly through her hair. “That’s the not so nice part. You and Angel, well… On your 17th birthday, you and Angel, you uhm…”
“We what?” Asked Buffy, growing agitated, “Have a fight?”
“Y-you make love,” Cordelia said softly, feeling her cheeks flush a little, “It’s wonderful, it’s perfect happiness… And it makes Angel lose his soul. In that one moment, he forgets all the acts he committed while he was Angelus and his curse is broken.”
“No soul…? But that would make him…”
“The most feared vampire in all of the vampiric mythology, save for maybe Dracula, if you believe the hype.” Said Cordelia softly, eyes drifting to Angel’s. She recognised the look there, had seen it a thousand times in Angel.
Guilt.
“That’s crazy…” Said Buffy, “I mean… I know the rules of the curse. Why the hell would they bring Angelus back just because Angel’s happy?”
“I don’t make the rules, Buffy,” Replied Cordelia, arms folded across her chest now, “I’m just telling you what I know. As far as I can gather, the Gypsies don’t want Angel to feel a moment of happiness. The very second he does, bam, leather pants.”
“Then we’ll find a way to stop it. You’re not telling me this is my future, how can it be? Losing Angel… I couldn’t…”
“That’s why I’m telling you all this, Buffy. So you don’t make the mistakes that you made the last time. This way, you can be together. It’s not much but it’s together – and there are no dead people in your future…”
“Dead?” Angel’s eyes met Cordelia’s, his own dark and curious. “I kill someone?” He didn’t even bother hiding the disgust or the pain.
“Not you, Angel. Angelus.” Cordelia said softly, then smiled a little, “I’ve lost count of the times I’ve said that to you back home. I think you’re starting to believe it and then I’m tossed back to my 17-year-old self where guilt is still the new black with you.”
“Cordelia, stop beating about the bush… Who?” Asked Buffy, voice strained. Was it Willow… Or Xander…? Giles? Did she really need to know this? This whole damned thing was hard enough without hearing this too. “Y’know what? It doesn’t matter… I don’t think I want to know.”
Cordelia smiled, softly, “I don’t think I’d want to know either.” Taking a deep breath, she looked at the pair, mouth opening and then closing again as she saw the look on Angel’s face. She waited, patiently, letting him digest whatever thought it was that was running round his head.
“We’re friends.” Said Angel quietly, “And… And Angelus was freed? I don’t understand…”
Cordelia frowned slightly, wishing she had all these answers for him, “Believe me Angel, this way is better than finding out the conventional way.”
“Conventional way?”
“Yeah,” She nodded, “You comshukking with Buffy, the world as we know it falling to pieces, her sending you to hell and leaving town for three months. Conventional, painful – and leading to the untimely break-up of the two of you.”
Mildly ashamed of the bitterness in her voice, Cordelia continued quickly. “I’m doing this for a reason and it’s not because I don’t like my future. You’re my best friend, Angel and I love you – in the strictly friendly way,” She lied, “Seeing what happens – what’s already happened – the pain you have to go through? It’s not worth it. I was given an opportunity and sent back here to help change your past. You deserve this. You deserve to be happy with Buffy.”
Letting that sink in, Cordelia sighed. He deserved to be happy – but that didn’t mean with her – that meant with Buffy. That meant everything that Cordelia hadn’t allowed herself to think over the past few days. It meant no family, no Angel, no Gunn or Fred, Wesley or Connor.
Cordelia was realising just what she’d done in doing the ‘right’ thing and something inside started to hurt.
“As much fun as this is, me baring every emotion I have to you and telling you that you have to put a normal relationship on hold for a while, I’m gonna go. If you have any questions – at least ones I can answer without putting the entire universe in jeopardy, ala Back To The Future – then… I’ll be around, okay?”
She waited for a moment, giving them the chance to ask any questions or whatever, knowing for certain that she didn’t want to be here for the fall out. They’d go straight to Giles, who would go straight to her with his rants and his ‘Do you realise what you’ve done Cordelia’s…’ And all the while, she’d still have to deal with the fact that she was a 21-year-old stuck in her 17 year old self not knowing where her life was going now because she’d done the right thing.
Slipping past them, she gave a brief, trying-to-be-supportive smile to Buffy – and a glance for Angel, finally out in the open air, coat clasped around her shoulders. She could tell herself she’d done the right thing and be convinced. She could walk with her head held high to her house knowing that Angel would be proud – that all the people who’d ever called her selfish, all those people that hadn’t known her at all had been wrong – because she’d given up everything she knew and loved in her world just to make Angel happy.
She could do all those things but she couldn’t stop the tears, nor could she stop the pain inside her chest – that pain that seemed to keep growing and growing.
Lifting a hand, Cordelia swiped at the tears, pumps hitting the pavement as she walked. She didn’t hear the footsteps behind her, or her name being called. Barely even registered as the shadow fell across her path. When finally he grabbed her arm, Cordelia looked up, ready to fight and immediately having to settle as she saw who it was. “Something wrong, Angel?” She asked, trying to maintain some kind of dignity.
He looked puzzled, like she’d just kicked him – like she’d took away his safety net. “Cordelia, why did you do that? If you like your world so much then why change it?”
“I told you,” She replied softly, “I changed it because you’re my friend and because you deserve this. You deserve to be happy.”
“What about you?”
“What about me? I’m still here aren’t I?”
“What about what you deserve? Your happiness?” Asked Angel, hand still gripping her arm gently.
You have to be cruel to be kind, Cordelia. That was something her Grandmother had once told her – but she’d taken that literally. She’d been cruel to be cruel, never to be kind. No, this time, she’d have to pretend. She’d always been good at that – pretend the visions weren’t hurting, pretend that things weren’t getting on top of her.
“Hey, maybe this is my second chance,” She smiled, the patented post-vision smile, the ‘I’m fine, leave me alone now’ smile that she’d grown accustomed to. “Maybe… Maybe this is my second chance at stardom or making up for my past, getting my own redemption. I’ll be fine Angel. We both will be.” Gently, she extracted her arm from his grip, smiling up at him, “Go on back to Buffy, Angel…” She said, the bitterness in her voice simply not there any more. “I’ll be okay…”
It was a lie. A blatant lie – and even as Angel watched her walk away he knew it. He’d told Buffy he needed an answer, needed to know the answer to that question – and he’d never even asked. Sighing, Angel turned away from her and walked back to his apartment. Walked back to Buffy.
A moment after that and the sounds of quiet sobbing filled the street. Cordelia Chase sat, hunched over on a bench, crying gently into her hands.
Maybe she had done the right thing, maybe this was for the greater good – but that certainly didn’t mean that it was painless.