Part 14
Angel’s words sent a million thoughts racing through her brain. Faith had made good on her threats, killed her and now she was in heaven.
The Mayor hadn’t been bizarrely friendly, he killed her and now she was in heaven. She had been traded for the box, whatever was in it escaped, killed her and now she was in heaven.
She had been traded for the box, went home, took a bath, drowned and now she was in heaven. She had been traded for the box, went home, fell asleep in Angel’s arms, had a sex dream about him and she was still dreaming. All of the scenarios seemed more probable than her perceived reality.
There was no way Angel just told her that he picked her over Buffy. She decided to test her last theory. She pinched her arm hard. “Ow!”
Angel was fighting the urge to panic. Her continued silence was making that difficult. It was the confusion he saw in her eyes that kept him from running away. He began to question her sanity when she pinched herself. “Cordy, what are..”
“OK. I’m not dreaming. I’m obviously dead then. I died last night. I died and you didn’t tell me! What kind of friend keeps something like that a secret? Here I am mmphf.” Her eyes flashed in indignation when his hand covered her mouth.
“You are not dreaming. You are NOT dead and of course I would tell you if you died last night. I’d also tell you if you had lost your mind.” The corners of his mouth quirked up. “Cordelia, you’ve lost your mind.” He kept his hand in place. “And you’re ruining my perfect moment. Would a smile kill you? Maybe a kiss? Something that says you’re happy with my choice.”
“Mmph mofphy.”
“What?” He removed his hand.
“I said I’m sorry.” She took a small step forward, closing the distance between them. “I’m going to take your word that I’m awake and not dead.” Her hands ran up his chest and wrapped around his neck. “I’m very happy with your choice. My moment of insanity has passed completely.” She smiled.
“I really should express my happiness, shouldn’t I?” She pulled his head down for a kiss. Her tongue traced his lower lip, begging entrance. When they parted, she swept in.
Angel cradled her face in both hands and took over the kiss. He echoed her moan with one of his own. His feet started shuffling forward, forcing her backwards.
The back of her legs collided with the bed. She remembered his sound words. She placed both hands on his chest and pushed. “No. You were right.”
“Huh?” His arms already felt empty without her. “Right about what?”
“They deserved the truth before we…”
“Who, and why aren’t you kissing me?”
“Angel, work with me. I’m talking about Xander and Buffy. We need to deal with our current relationships before starting a new one. We should wait.”
“Hold up a second. In my plan, we were going to tell them as soon as they got here. I thought you said we couldn’t do that?”
“We can’t.”
“Then what are you saying? After I drink that potion, Buffy will want to pick up right where we left off. What am I supposed to do in the meantime? Pretend? Kiss her back?”
“Hell no!” Her face scrunched up. “OK. My plan has some flaws too.” She began pacing. “Look we can’t just dump them then jump into bed together. This needs to be handled delicately.”
“I realize that. Don’t think I’m taking this lightly because I’m not. Buffy and I were….I can’t stand to see her in pain and it’s so much worse when I’m the cause of it. When I was in hell, the thought of Buffy was what kept me going. The reason I came to Sunnydale in the first place was to help her, to ease her suffering. Instead I always end up hurting her and I hate it.”
Cordelia sank to the floor and hugged her knees.
“These past few days with you have been amazing. I never knew I could…I have never known anyone like you. I wasn’t expecting your friendship or your acceptance. Before I knew it I was falling…but my happiness should come second to Buffy’s. I tried to feel guilty for wanting you. It didn’t work. I don’t regret what has happened between us.” He sat down of the bed.
“Instead of dealing with my obligations, I chose to ignore them. Buffy was avoiding me so there was no immediate need to deal with her.”
Cordelia began rocking herself.
“I have already caused her so much pain. I should do everything in my power to make her happy but I realized something. I’ve been hearing her thoughts and the truth is I don’t make her happy. I know she loves me and I know she’s fought to be with me but I don’t make her happy. She wants normal.”
“She’s a slayer. She’ll never have normal.”
“Maybe not but she looks at Willow and Oz and she..”
“And you call a witch and werewolf normal? Of course you do. You’re a vampire cursed with a soul. I think what she wants is laughter, smiles, cuddles, meaningful looks, hand holding and lightness. She wants..”
“What I have with you.”
Her eyes locked with his. “Yeah”
“I want that for her but I can’t give it to her. I used to think it was because my guilt, my past, prevented me from experiencing that. What you said to the Mayor about letting a girl choose for herself, I let Buffy choose to give that up in order to be with me. I wasn’t capable of it but she insisted she didn’t care. She wanted to be with me. I chose to be grateful for the moments of happiness we shared. It was more than I deserved and she said they were enough for her.
Then came perfect happiness and…she’s willing to blame all that pain and suffering on Angelus. It wasn’t really me so it doesn’t matter now that I have my soul back permanently. But it’s not that cut and dry, not for me.
I need to deal with what I’ve done. We’ve barely talked since I’ve come back, not about the important things. She just wants to put it all behind us but without actually dealing with it. I wasn’t exactly trying to force the issue. We just stayed in a holding pattern.
Then I got my ‘aspect” and the illusion was shattered, at least for me. Now I know I don’t make her happy. I know the moments aren’t enough for her anymore but what shocked me the most is I found that I am capable of having that level of intimacy. I guess you could say I had an epiphany. I don’t make Buffy happy…and she no longer makes me happy either.
You have made me redefine friendship and acceptance. You have made me see what I can have if I just take it. The moment of perfect happiness I experienced no longer seems perfect to me and I don’t mean because of what happened later. Despite what people think, it wasn’t about the sex. I held her in my arms and for one moment I let go of the guilt. I was just a boy holding the girl he loves in his arms. I wanted to freeze that moment and never let go.
I don’t know how but you’ve made me feel like being who and what I am is okay. I don’t have to forget to feel happy. Do you have any idea what that means to me? I realize now that staying with Buffy isn’t going to give her the happiness she deserves; it will be preventing her from finding it. I don’t want to hurt her but in the end, I really think it’s in her best interests.”
“So if you could make her happy, you would stay with her?”
“Honestly, I might have. Like I said, I don’t deserve to be happy. I owe her so much. I have so much hurt to make up for. Regardless of what I have found, Buffy’s happiness is what I should be concerned with. Then last night happened. When I thought I might lose you, I…. I’ve known you, I mean really known you, for less than a week and I feel closer to you than anyone I have ever known.
Listening to everyone I was struck by another realization. You have the same right to find happiness as Buffy. I may feel mine is undeserved and unimportant in the grand scheme of things but yours isn’t. I make you happy and you make me happy and I don’t make Buffy happy. It all kind of fell into place in my head, staying with her out of a sense of obligation is a disservice to her…and to you.”
“So?”
“I am going to end my relationship with Buffy. I truly believe it is what’s best for everyone. I just hope she can forgive me someday.”
Cordelia rose to her feet. “I hate having to apologize for finding happiness.” She sat down on his lap. “They’re all going to hate us, aren’t they?”
***
“Come on in.”
“We come bearing junk food.” Xander leaned in for a kiss but Cordelia took the bag he was carrying and stepped back.
“This way to the kitchen.”
“I hope its okay that we’re here. We figured staying here made the most sense. This way Buffy could be with Angel.”
She gritted her teeth. “It’s fine, Willow.”
Angel stood when they walked into the kitchen.
“Hey. I have the potion you need.” Buffy handed him a bottle. “You have to drink the whole thing. Don’t ask what’s in it. Trust me. You don’t want to know.”
He quickly drank the blue liquid. “I’ll be sure to thank Giles and Wesley the next time I see them. I know there are more important things to work on than foul tasting potions.”
“Do you want some blood to get rid of the taste?” Cordelia ignored the strange looks she received.
“No thanks. How long is it supposed to take to kick in?”
“The effects should be immediate. Giles and Wesley mixed…the ingredients and I performed a small spell on it. It should work.”
Angel glanced at Buffy but she fidgeted under his gaze. He turned to stare at Cordelia.
*You were really amazing in my dream and I so look forward to the real thing.* “Anything?”
“No. What were you thinking about?”
She blushed a bright red. “It was nothing. OK. Angel is cured. What’s next on our super day of fun?” Cordelia tried to sound enthusiastic but her voice fell flat.
“We brought movies, food and our swimsuits.” The petite blond moved closer to Angel. “But we can wait to go swimming until after sunset. A moonlight swim might be nice.”
“Don’t let me stop you. It’s a beautiful day.”
“Are you sure you don’t mind? We came here so I could be with you.”
Cordelia folded her arms. “Feel free to make yourself at home in MY house.” Her features softened when she looked at Angel. “The patio has a roof over part of it. You can go outside and still avoid direct sunlight. My mother likes to sit out there in the shade. She’s afraid of sun damage causing wrinkles.”
“OK. Swimming it is.” Xander clapped his hands together and rubbed. “Grab your suits ladies…and Oz and follow me to the pool house. We can change there.”
Angel glared at the boy. It bothered him that Xander knew his way around Cordelia’s house. He waited until they left. “How often has Xander been here?”
“Not that often. My parents don’t like him. So are you really all right about the swimming? You don’t feel left out, do you?”
“It’s okay. I’d feel worse if they didn’t because of me. I hate being responsible for people missing out on life. You should swim with them.”
“I don’t know if I’d call that my idea of fun. Geez. Are these people moving in?” Cordelia unpacked the food. “Then again, Xander is here. He could finish all of this in one sitting.”
“So are you going to swim?”
“If I didn’t know better, I’d say you just wanted to see me in my bikini.”
His limitations and her fun were forgotten. “Bikini?”
“Yup. It’s red.”
“You can’t wear that!”
“Why not?”
“Xander is out there and you said we have to wait. You can’t wear a red bikini in front of him or me.”
“You just have to restrain yourself. I bought it last week and I look fabulous in it. Prepare yourself to be amazed.” She rushed out before he could argue.
***
Angel was sitting at the table on the patio reading one of her father’s books, when she returned.
“Wow!”
Angel looked up at Xander’s exclamation. His eyes roved Cordelia’s barely covered body. Fabulous didn’t do her justice. A growl rumbled in his chest. Fortunately the others were already in the pool and didn’t hear him.
“Here.” Cordelia leaned forward and handed him a pair of sunglasses. “I figured all this sunshine might bother your eyes. They’re my dad’s. Plus,” she bent a little lower, “they’ll hide the way you’re staring.” She smiled at his open mouth.
“Come on Cordy. Jump in.”
“Maybe later Xander. I think I’m going to work on my tan for a while.” She adjusted her chair so it was as close to Angel as possible while still remaining in the sun.
Angel put on the sunglasses and opened his book but his eyes were glued to Cordelia’s hands. She meticulously slathered suntan lotion on her face, arms, legs stomach and chest. He scooted his chair under the table to hide his erection.
Once most of her body was covered in lotion, she laid down on her back. She slipped her sunglasses on and relaxed. Despite the hot sun, a shiver ran down her spine. Not from a chill, it sprang from the heat of Angel’s gaze. She could feel his eyes on her.
The sound of splashing served as a reminder that she shouldn’t tease him. Asking him to put lotion on her back was definitely a bad idea. She lowered her shades when someone stepped into her sun. “Yes?”
“Come swimming with us.” Xander pushed her legs out of the way and sat down. “Please. I feel like I’ve barely seen you lately. I miss you.”
Her guilt came screaming back. His goofy grin twisted the knife. He could be so sweet at times.
“Please?”
“OK.” She tossed her sunglasses on her towel. “But no dunking me.”
“Would I do that?” Xander wrapped an arm around her waist and jumped into the pool.
Cordelia surfaced coughing and pushing her wet hair out of her face. “You suck Xander Harris!” She leaped at him. Two hands forced his head underwater then released him. She squealed when he came at her. She dodged his hands and swam towards Willow and Oz. She grabbed Willow’s shoulders and used her as a shield.
“Do you really think bringing Willow into this will keep you safe?” He dove at the two girls only to be blindsided by Oz. Xander came up sputtering.
“Now Oz knows how to treat a lady.” Cordelia leaned on Willow as they all laughed at Xander’s pitiful expression. “Are you going to behave?”
He held up his hands. “I surrender Cordy.”
“Good boy.” She winked at Oz. “Thanks.”
“No problem.”
“Isn’t he the best boyfriend?” Willow swam over to her werewolf. “You’re my hero.”
“I do what I can.”
Angel suppressed a primal roar. The deadly rays of sunshine stopped him from pulling Cordelia out of the pool, throwing her over his shoulder and taking her up to her bedroom. He tried to remain calm. She chose him. She was laughing and playing with Xander because she wanted to salvage their friendship.
Ripping his head off would make it difficult for her to be his friend. Buffy and Willow would probably be upset about it as well.
“They make a good couple in a totally freakish way.”
He hadn’t noticed Buffy approaching. “Huh?”
“Cordelia and Xander, they make a good couple. I mean they don’t make any sense. Let’s face it. They defy all forms of logic and reason but they work. He really likes her. Actually it was one of his ideas that helped me get that demon last night. Going as army guy on Halloween made him good with the strategy making.”
*So good he got Cordelia and Willow captured.*
“He wanted to find it almost as much as I did.”
“I’ll bet.”
“I think he missed Cordelia. You two have been spending so much time together lately. Which is cool. Everyone needs friends. I was shocked at first but I gave it some thought last night. She really does have a way with older guys. I still can’t believe Wesley smashed that pot. I know he did it more for Cordelia than for Willow. Giles is pretty attached to her too.
I still have trouble understanding that friendship. He always avoids answering my questions about it but I can deal. He never lets it interfere with our whole slayer-watcher bond and Xander doesn’t seem to mind.” She shrugged.
“I know you may look young but you’re older than all of us put together.” She stared at the laughing brunette. “I guess there is something mature about her, other than her…appearance. It’s okay you know.”
“What is?”
“That you’re friends, it’s okay.”
“Thanks.”
His sarcasm was lost on her. “I just want you to know you can talk to me too. I’m here for you.”
*Now that I can’t hear what you really think.* “I’ll keep that in mind.”
“Come help me, Buff. They’re ganging up on me.”
“I’ll be there in a sec.”
“Go ahead. Xander needs all the help he can get.” He glanced over at Cordelia. She was watching him. He detected a hint of jealousy in her eyes. It helped calm his urge to kill the boy.
***
“Which movie should we watch first?” Willow held up the three choices. She didn’t wait for any responses. “
Ever After it is.” She popped the tape in the VCR then returned to the chair she and Oz were sharing.
“Do we have to watch the chick flick first?”
“Sorry Xander. You were outvoted.”
“I don’t remember taking a vote, Will. You know for once the girls don’t outnumber the guys. Come on Oz. Give me some support.
Willow wrapped her arms around her boyfriend and kissed his cheek.
“That’s cheating. How about you, dead..Angel? You don’t want to watch a chick flick, do you?”
He in no way wanted to support the boy who kept touching his Cordelia. He was about to respond when Buffy planted herself on his lap.
“Angel wants to watch whatever makes me happy.” She stuck her tongue out at Xander.
“You ladies always have to fight dirty. It’s so unfair.” He draped an arm around Cordelia’s shoulders. “Fine. I give up. Hit play, Will.”
“We need popcorn.” Cordelia abruptly stood up. “I’ll go make some. Don’t bother waiting for me. I’ve seen this movie before.” She cast a sideways glance at Angel as she left.
Angel waited a couple of minutes before speaking. “Do you want something to drink?” He lifted Buffy off his lap.
“Umm a diet coke would be great.”
“OK. I’ll be back.”
***
Angel wrapped his arms around her from behind. “Shouldn’t they be going home soon?”
“It’s only 2:30. It’s a little early to call it a night. Hell it isn’t even nighttime yet.”
“I know.” He rested his forehead on her shoulder. “He keeps touching you.”
“Yeah and if Buffy got any closer to you, she’d be standing behind you.” She opened the microwave and grabbed the mug inside. “Here. You haven’t had any all day.”
“I’ll be fine.”
“Everyone else is downstairs watching the movie. Just drink it.”
“They’ll notice if we’re gone too long and come looking for us.”
“Then drink it fast.”
Angel stepped back at the sound of approaching footsteps. He recognized Buffy’s scent.
“Hey. I thought maybe you got lost.”
“No. We already had our lunch. I was just making Angel his.” Cordelia stuck the bag of popcorn in the microwave.
“He’s drinking blood? Now?”
“Yes.” She glanced at Angel with a sparkle in her eye. “I thought he should eat something before he watches the movie. The gypsies might make him hungry. He does have a weakness for them.”
Buffy’s jaw dropped in shock. She had a scathing retort on the tip of her tongue but Angel’s laugh stopped her cold. Actually it was more of a snort. She turned to the vampire, wide-eyed. Her stomach clenched as he took a sip from his mug.
“Xander got kind of testy the last time I volunteered him as a snack. So you have to settle for pig’s blood.”
“Oh please! I do have my standards. I wouldn’t bite him if I was starving and he was the last human on earth.”
“O please yourself. I seem to recall you trying to bite him before only Druscilla stopped you.”
“That doesn’t count.”
Buffy, unnoticed by both, nodded. *That was Angelus not Angel.*
“I didn’t go there to bite Xander. I was planning…” His words trailed off as Buffy’s thundering heart registered. “Buffy, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to bring that up like that.” He put his mug down.
Cordelia had forgotten she was there. They all remembered that Xander’s drained corpse was meant to be a gift for Buffy. “Would you like something to drink?”
She nodded slowly. *Why did he say I? How could he talk so casually about trying to kill one of my best friends?*
She handed the silent blond a can of diet coke.
“We’ll be down in a minute, Buffy. Why don’t you go back and enjoy the movie.” He watched the girl he once tried to destroy leave.
“Are you okay, Angel?”
“I shouldn’t have joked about that time in front of Buffy.”
“I’m the one who’s sorry. I brought it up. Jokes and sarcasm are how I deal with all the attempts on my life. I’d go crazy if I thought about my life rationally.”
“You don’t have to apologize. It was your boyfriend I tried to drain.”
“Technically we were on a break.”
“That’s right. The loser turned to magic.”
“Hey! I’m at least attempting to be sensitive to Buffy’s feelings. Sort of. You could try doing the same for Xander.”
“I am exerting a lot of effort. I resisted ripping off his head earlier. I resisted breaking both his hands less than twenty minutes ago.” He downed the rest of the blood in one gulp. “Believe me I am trying.”
“In that case, I take it back. You are the epitome of today’s sensitive man.” She emptied the popcorn into a bowl. “Come on Mr. Sensitivity.”
“Are there really gypsies in this movie?”
