One Tequila, Two Tequila… 1

Title: One Tequila, Two Tequila…
Author: ficbitch82 (aka: Angelicgal82)
Posted originally: 12-19-2001
Rating: R
Category: Humour
Content: C/A
Summary: Response to “The I Have A Penis So Someone Else Has To Write This Story Challenge” “…Just read…you WILL love it!”(Cal)
Spoilers: ATS 3 Xover/BtVS
Disclaimer: The characters in the Angelverse were created by Joss Whedon & David Greenwalt. No infringement is intended, no profit is made.
Notes: CHALLENGE:  (At bottom of page).
A/Note: Just to clear it up, ‘Hen Night’ is the same as a ‘Bachelorette Party’ lol…sorry for the confusion!
Feedback: for more fic like this, I would send Christie choccies!

Part 1

Cordelia stood at the counter, applying her make up, a nervous Angel hovering over her shoulder.

Okay, what I don’t get is why they invited me. Me. Cordelia Chase, Self Professed Queen of Mean and they’ve invited me to Anya’s hen night. I can’t say no…’cause that’ll just look petty.

//And we’re all going down in a few days time anyway for the wedding so one night isn’t really going to matter is it? Although, if Angel has anything to do with it…//

“Do you have to go?” //He’s practically whining! Dork.//

“Yes. If I don’t show up it’s just gonna look petty, like I’m not over Xander or something…” Placing her make-up bag down on the counter, Cordelia watched as Angel shuffled nervously on his feet.

“What?” She asks, exasperated.

“Aren’t you?” He asked quietly.

“Aren’t I what?” //God, does he *get* more cryptic with every sentence?//

“Over Xander?” Angel’s voice became kind of…quiet then, like he were almost afraid to ask the question.

//Is he…no…he’s not…he IS! Angel’s jealous! Of Xander. And I can’t help but laugh.//

“Oh please! I was over Xander…funnily enough, not long after I had a rebar shoved through my stomach, ringing any bells? I figured my loser magnetism wouldn’t last my inevitable stardom in LA so…I got rid…”

Cordelia stood, calling up the stairs, “Fred! Are you ready?”

A muffled shout came back down, “Ercantairdis…”

Cordelia frowned, “What the…WHAT?”

Angel pouted, “Cordelia…what if Connor wakes up? You know you’re the only one who can get him to sleep.”

“Then it’s about time you learned, ‘Grrr guy’.” Said Cordelia with a grin, “He has to get to know his Daddy and showing him your vamp face isn’t a way to shut him up…FRED!”

She showed up at the top of the stairs, wearing…that God awful sack from Pylea. “Ready.” She smiled. “Fred, that isn’t the dress I gave you.” Said Cordelia, shaking her head.

“It uhm…it was ripped…and it didn’t fit in with the parallels of my body…” Stammered Fred. “I CAN’T WEAR THIS!” //Ah, so that’s what she said upstairs…//

“Sack. Off.” Said Cordelia, folding her arms across her chest. Reluctantly, Fred pulled the sack from her body to reveal a deep blue dress, short…sleeveless…and admittedly, looked better on her than it did Cordelia.

“Angel, I’ve been going over the…wumph…” Wesley stopped in his tracks seeing Fred.

“You’ve been going over the WUMPH?” Asked Cordelia, stifling a giggle.

“Is that like a new…thing? Should we be researching? Do I need to stay here?” Asked Fred, hopefully.

Cordelia frowned, “Wesley would have made a completely sane comment had he not noticed how hot you look in that dress. Am I right, or am I right?”

“Well…I mean…of course…you look…stunning…I mean…wonderful.” Stuttered Wesley.

Cordelia laughed as Fred blushed, then looked at Angel, mock-accusingly, “How come you never look at *me* like that?” She asked.

Angel sighed, ~If only you knew the half of it.~


He brooded. He brooded, pouted, whined, moaned, sulked and even resorted to trying to get Connor to say ‘Ma-Ma’ to the point where I snapped and hit him upside the head with my lip brush. //I’m only going to be away from him for…what? Nine hours? Dork.//

“I can’t believe Angel let us take the car!” Said Fred, bouncing happily in the seat.

Cordelia smiled at this, “Yeah, that’s only ’cause he wants it back by tomorrow night and that’s a surefire way to bring me home.”

“Well, yeah…” Said Fred, “But…your time runs at least three hours after everyone elses…”

Cordelia scowled, “I’ll have you know my time keeping is very…accurate…” She said then laughed, “Okay…maybe not…oh, look. Home sweet home.”

The Welcome To Sunnydale sign came into view and Fred suddenly got nervous, “Will your friends like me, or will they think…”

“Woah, back up there…friends? Nuh-uh…acquaintances, yes. And yes, they’ll like you.” Parking the car outside the Bronze and taking the keys WITH this time, Cordelia led Fred inside the club.

“Wow…wow…WOW!” Said Fred, “I was too young to go places like this before I went to Pylea…but…wow!”

Cordelia smiled, the Bronze really had changed, it still wasn’t as good as LA (smug thoughts, smug thoughts) and its nightlife – not that Cordelia *had* much to base that on but it was still pretty good for being in Sunnydale and all.

Making their way over to the table where Anya, Buffy and Willow sat, Cordelia smiled, “Hey…”

She was receiving shocked looks from the lot of them…WHY?

“Cordelia you’re being…nice!” Said Willow.

Cordelia’s mood instantly darkened somewhat, “I am? Better change that then…guys, I’d like you to meet Winifred Burkle, my best friend.”

Winifred Burkle beamed at Cordelia, and then her friends, “Hi…” She said shyly.

“I’m Buffy, this is Willow and this is Anya, the Bride to Be.” Said Buffy, introducing the others.

“Hello.” Said Anya with a bright smile, “Did you bring a gift?”

Buffy laughed, “Anya…Wedding…Gift’s come at the Wedding. So, how’s…everyone in LA?” Asked Buffy, trying to maintain a degree of casualness.

“You mean, everyone meaning the guy who broods a hell of a lot and goes by the name of Angel?” Said Cordelia, for some reason getting a little annoyed at this,

“Fine…and thanks for asking, Wesley’s fine too.” She said brusquely. “Drink anyone?” Cordelia stood and walked away quickly, having to remind herself to breathe.

“What’s her deal?” Asked Anya.

Fred, a little miffed at being left alone with people she’d only just met, shook her head, “In love with someone and she doesn’t even know it yet…”


“Angel, calm down, Cordelia can hold her own!” Said Gunn, shaking his head.

“It’s not *her* holding her own I’m worried about…it’s someone *else* holding her own…” Said Angel, now having convinced himself that she was still in love with Xander and had gone to claim him as hers again.

“Okay, come on. Haven’t got all night. Sun’ll be up in a few hours time.” Said Angel, carrying his son up towards the steps of the hotel.

“What? Where are we going?” Asked Wesley.


“Angel, this is madness…” Said Wesley, “You’re acting like a jealous teenager and…”

“Evening kiddies…” The green, Anagogic Demon bounded into the hotel, impressively chirpy considering his LACK of nightclub, place to sell his wares.

“Ooh, look at Mr Tall Dark and Feminine…anyone else feeling a kodak moment coming on?”

Connor gurgled and pointed at Angel, “Da-da…” Then promptly, burst into tears.

“See!” Said Angel, triumphantly, “He wants his Mom…who am I to deprive him of anything? Sssshhh…” He tried to soothe his child and then, realising he had no other option, began to sing the song that Cordelia sang to soothe him every night.

‘Baby mine, don’t you cry
Baby mine, dry your eyes
Rest your head, close to my heart
Never to part, baby you’re mine’

“Ooh, *love* the use of Disney there, AngelCakes but…if I were you…I’d be hot-footing it to Sunnydale, right now…” Said Lorne.

Angel’s head snapped up, “What? Why?” He asked.

“A demon…a big, green eyed monster…”

“I’ll get the weapons…” Said Wesley, running up the stairs as Angel got into Gunn’s truck, along with The Host, Gunn…and seconds later, Wesley.

“Drive. Fast.” Said Angel, a growl erupting in his throat.

Part 2


*Okay, no matter how much Will & Grace I watch, I’m still a little too male to do this story right…so here’s what I’m talking about: *Fred and Cordy go to Sunnydale, and have a girls night out. Not being a girl, I’m not too familiar with anything but the cleanup. *Drunk Fred. And I do mean drunk. *Embarrassing¬†Revelations of the Romantic Variety.

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