Part 8
Angelus had spent the night watching Cordelia sleep. Every time her face scrunched up, he would stroke her cheek and whisper in her ear until her frown disappeared. He was amazed that his voice made her feel safe. She was actually comforted by his presence.
Cordelia drifted into wakefulness. She had fought to stay awake. She’d been afraid to dream. She knew the nightmares would come. She feared that in her sleep no one would save her. This time she would be raped. This time her body would be used by both vampires while her family watched helplessly.
She would be bitten. She would be forever marked and not by the vampire she loved more than her own life. Each time the nightmare began and she began to despair, Angelus would appear. His voice filled her head and she knew she was safe.
Angelus felt her snuggle into his arms. His grip instinctively tightened.
Her eyes opened to discover brown eyes watching her intently. “Did you sleep at all?”
“Wasn’t tired.”
She smiled at him. “You were protecting me from my nightmares.” She stroked his cheek. “I love you.”
He leaned into her touch. “I’ll always protect you.”
“My vamp protector. I hate to be the one to tell you but you kinda suck at being evil.”
“Ouch. Just kick a vampire when he’s down. It’s all your fault. You’re a terrible influence on me.”
“I’m so sorry.”
He smiled at her grinning face. “I can tell.” His smile faded. “Are you okay?”
She looked into his eyes. She didn’t understand how a vampire without a soul could look at her with such love and concern. It took her breath away.
“Cor?”
“I’m okay.” He gave her a skeptical look. “I am. I have you and I have my family.”
“I’m sorry.”
“For what?”
“For blaming Spike when it’s really my fault. Wolfram and Hart were after you because of me.”
“It’s not your fault. Playing the blame game is a waste of time. Yeah. Wolfram and Hart tried to go through me to get to you. It wasn’t the first time and it probably won’t be the last. I could run and hide, but I won’t. I need you in my life and I plan to fight for us. If you insist on playing the blame game over last night then I have to point out that Lilah hated me because of my actions.
It never occurred to me that she might actually care about Wesley when I tossed her out on her ass. She must’ve considering how angry she was at his rejection. Which brings us to Wesley choosing to get involved with a known enemy. Of course if it hadn’t been for Fred choosing Gunn over Wesley then he might not have been so secretive and betrayed our family. Then again if I hadn’t gone away with Groo, I would’ve noticed Wesley’s strange behavior and made him talk to me.”
“That’s an excellent point. It’s all Groo’s fault.”
“I’m glad we straightened that out. Now we should..”
Angelus couldn’t wait any longer. “Are you going to chain me up again?”
She thought about it. “No. I’m going to trust you to keep me and our family safe.” Their eyes locked. “I’m going to trust you not to leave the hotel. I’m trusting you not to hurt anyone and that includes mind games.”
“How about I protect you and Spike can take care of the others?”
The sparkle in her eyes dimmed a little. “I need you to tell me I’m not crazy for trusting you.”
“I think you’re insane for trusting me. No one has ever trusted me to do anything but…I’ve never given anyone reason to trust me.” He cupped her face. “I’m going to do everything I can not to let you down. I don’t want to hurt you. I can’t lose you. I love you.”
“We’ll get through this. We should get dressed. I want to check on everyone. Wesley, Gunn and Spike are probably fighting over which one let me down the most.” She sighed.
“Are you sure you’re up for it?”
“My family is my strength. Let’s go.”
***
“If I hadn’t gotten involved with Lilah, none of this would have happened.”
“Wesley, you heard her. Wolfram and Hart were after her because of her relationship with Angel..Angelus. It wasn’t about you.”
“She said it wasn’t about me anymore. The first attack was and that was why Angelus had to rescue her the first time. If he hadn’t needed to do that, they might not have known she was a threat to their plans.”
“Lilah also said they had psychics reading him so they still would’ve known. They still would’ve come after her.”
“Yes but Lilah was especially vicious because of me.”
“She was vicious because she was an evil psychotic bitch.”
“Fred..”
“No! It wasn’t your fault.”
“My girl’s right. It was my fault she was almost..”
“What?!”
“C’mon English. You’re the brains and I’m the muscle. I should’ve done a better job of protecting her. There I was, arms tied behind my back and gagged. I was completely useless. I was the one they were gonna shoot if she didn’t..if she didn’t…I failed..again.”
Gunn was exhausted. He hadn’t slept. He’d been plagued with nightmares of Alonna and Cordelia. They needed him and he kept failing them over and over.
“Gunn, that’s ludicrous. They had guns. We were all there. There was nothing you could have done.”
“We weren’t all there. I was too busy buying liquor to save my friend from being victimized. This was my fault. I came here to keep her safe. She even deactivated my chip so I could handle the evil lawyers. She trusted me and I repaid her by not being here when she needed me the most.”
“Stop it all of you! None of you are to blame for what happened here last night.”
“I couldn’t have said it any better myself.”
Everyone turned at the sound of Cordelia’s voice. She came down the stairs holding Angelus’s hand.
“Cordelia..”
“Don’t Wes. It wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t Gunn’s fault. It wasn’t Spike’s fault. It wasn’t Angel’s fault and it wasn’t Angelus’s fault. This is where the blame game officially ends.”
Angelus turned her to face him. “You forgot one. It wasn’t your fault either.” She nodded. “Say it.”
“It wasn’t my fault either.”
“How are you, Sweetie?”
“I have my family Lorne and I can handle anything when I have all of you. How’s your head?”
“Still hard as rock. I’m getting used to being knocked out. I may have to have Mr. Leather Pants train me.” He gave Angelus a wink.
Angelus stifled his growl since the green demon made his Cordy laugh. It was the most beautiful sound he’d ever heard.
“I would so pay money to see that.” She patted Angelus on the behind. “I’m sure you guys could teach each other a few moves.” She dragged her glowering vampire to the red couch. “So what’s for breakfast. I’m starving.”
“Do you want me to make you an omelet?”
“That sounds yummy. What about you guys?”
They stared at Cordy perched on the vampire’s lap. They could almost believe he was Angel. Almost.
“Sounds good.” Fred was happily bouncing at the thought of eggs a la vampire. “Do we have enough eggs?”
“Yeah. I went shopping a few days ago. We’ve been a little too busy to eat any of it.” Cordy looked over at the sullen blond vampire. “Spike?”
“Yes, Luv?”
“Are you going to join us for breakfast?”
Spike hesitated. He was still dealing with his guilt.
“Yes. He is.”
He looked at his sire and nodded.
“Good” She grabbed Angelus’s hand and started dragging him to the kitchen. “Guys, give us a five minute head start.”
***
Cordelia remained silent until they entered the kitchen. “Why is Spike being so submissive? He’s never been like that before. He was insolent from the moment he was turned.”
He considered lying to her but decided against it. “This is the first time he’s ever truly been sorry for failing me. It’s his way of showing me he’s sorry.”
“Angelus..”
“Cor, you can’t order him to stop feeling like he let you down. He regrets not being here and he should.”
“Please don’t alienate him. I need my family. Please?”
He looked into her pleading hazel eyes. *I am a cold-hearted evil vampire. I am a cold-hearted evil….dammit!* “I’ll talk to him after breakfast, okay?”
“Thank you”
***
Breakfast was spent in relative silence. After everyone except Angelus finished their eggs, Angelus invited Spike to workout with him in the basement.
Wesley watched the two vampires leave. He volunteered to help Cordelia with the dishes. He waited until Fred, Gunn and Lorne left to broach the subject. “We need to talk about last night.”
“It’s over Wes. I don’t want to talk about it.”
“I won’t push you but we do need to talk about what Lilah said. About the curse.”
“Oh..that.”
“I spoke to Giles. The Counsel received a report about an entire Romany clan being wiped out. Wolfram and Hart even killed their spouses though technically they aren’t blood relations.”
“I figured she was telling the truth. All those poor people dead, for what?”
“To bring Angelus out permanently and it worked. Cordelia, Angel may be gone for good. We can’t curse him with his soul.”
Cordelia felt her tears start to flow. “I know.”
“What do you want us to do?”
“I don’t know, Wes.” Her tear stained face turned away. “I don’t want to be the boss anymore. Tell me what I should do. Please?”
“I wish I knew. I feared his return. I threw my life away because of that fear.” He gave a bitter laugh. “Last night I actually told Spike to leave you alone. I told him Angelus would take care of you. I, a former Watcher, assured William the Bloody, souled vampire and killer of two slayers, you would be safe with one of the most feared vampires in all of history.” He began pacing.
“I was beyond happy to see Angelus grab Lilah. I watched him kill a human being and I felt relieved. Our sweet Fred opened up a portal. We watched Lilah’s body be sucked in along with her two lackeys, who were both still alive.” He sighed. “I found out this morning that the men I had watching the building are all dead.”
“Wes, I’m so sorry.”
“This whole situation is insane. Angelus is acting more human than the humans, well lawyers at any rate. The plan has always been to do our best to retrieve Angel’s soul but not to hesitate to stake him if need be. Look at us now. We just ate a breakfast prepared by Angelus. The whole plan hinged on his soulless self trying to kill us.”
He sank into a chair. “Life would be a lot less complicated if he stuck to the plan.”
“Scary but true. So now what?”
“Well, we don’t give up yet. Angelus seems to genuinely care for you.”
“Duh”
“We keep searching. Giles is trying to find anyone Wolfram and Hart may have missed. I want Fred and Gunn to return to your apartment and continue researching. Lorne can go through his contacts again. I want you or Spike to remain with Angelus at all times. I won’t ask you to chain him up again.”
“Wes, we need to face..”
“Cordy, what other choice do we have. We have to keep trying.”
“We will.” She knew Wes wasn’t ready to face the hard questions yet. She could barely ask herself. *If Angel is really gone forever, what do we do with Angelus? Can he become an accepted and trusted member of the team or do we stake him?*
***
Angelus studied the sullen vampire. He took an unnecessary breath. “It wasn’t your fault.”
“I should have been here.”
“Yes. You should’ve but Lilah wasn’t after her because of you. They wanted to hurt me by hurting her. She doesn’t blame you….and neither do I.”
“You don’t?”
“No. It’s over for now and she’s fine. They will probably take time to regroup but they’ll come after her again.”
“I won’t be more than 100 feet from her.”
“What happened to us, Spike?”
“How do you mean?”
“We once terrorized most of Europe. We instilled the kind of fear I saw in Cordy’s eyes last night in so many of our victims. I wanted to tear those vamps apart with my bare hands for doing something we’ve both taken pleasure in doing.”
“I know”
“Smelling her fear last night made me sick. I stayed awake all night so I could keep her safe from her nightmares. I have never made anyone feel safe before. I’ve never wanted to.” He went over and started working the bag. “I don’t have a soul anymore but when I look into her beautiful trusting eyes, I don’t want to be a monster anymore.”
“I never told you why I got my soul, did I?”
“So you’d be worthy of slu..Buffy.”
“That’s true but I never told you what I did.” Spike held the bag for him. “She and I had such an unhealthy relationship. After she came back, she was so cut off. She said I made her feel again and she made me feel like a man.”
“So what went wrong?”
“I wasn’t a very good man. I thought the only way I could keep her was if I convinced her to stay in the darkness with me. Eventually she remembered she didn’t belong there and ended it. She told me being with me was killing her. She said she never loved me.”
“And I know how well you take rejection.”
“Yeah. I was convinced she was lying to herself and to me. When we were together, she loved me. I thought if I could be inside her again, she wouldn’t be able to deny it anymore.”
Angelus froze mid-punch. “You raped her?”
“I tried to. At the time, I didn’t see it that way. She always said no before we had sex. Except for that first time. We were fighting one second. The next she was kissing me. She had me unzipped, loose and inside her before I knew what was happening.” Spike began pacing.
“After she managed to push me away, I finally realized she meant no this time. I saw the look of horror on her face, that familiar look. For the first time in my unlife, I truly hated myself. I didn’t want to be a monster anymore. I left for Africa that very night.”
Spike turned to face Angelus. “You could face the trial. Cordy and I would go with you.”
“I would never hurt Cordy like that. We are going to get through this together. I’m already earning her trust. Even the others are giving me a chance. It’s all gonna work out.”
“Angelus, they need a champion. Your family is used to rolling with the punches. They’re making due ’cause you’re not trying to kill them. This can’t work forever. Don’t wait until you’ve almost destroyed the woman you love before you finally wake up and smell reality.”
“We’re fine and we’ll stay fine.”