Chapter 6
Demon Sex for Dummies – The List
(1) Create heightened anticipation
2:13 pm
Cordelia rose from her desk and half-eaten tuna on rye to hit the bathroom. It was the moment Angel had been waiting for. Wes was in his office, his brow kneaded in concentration on a demon language text. Fred was trying to teach Gunn the physics of a yo-yo cats-in-the-cradle move on the couch. He slowly turned from his position at the counter and stealthily slipped a sliver of folded parchment underneath her sandwich and then returned to his original stance.
He pretended to be involved in the information contained in the folder he held just below eye level. He wanted to watch her when she read the note, and he didn’t have to wait long. As soon as she returned, she picked up the sandwich and the paper popped open, the movement catching her eye. The sandwich made it to her mouth as her other hand picked up the note and saw the words elegantly penned there…Red garter belt and black silk stockings. Her mouth and eyes became large circles as the tuna hung in mid air between her lips.
Despite the self-induced terror of last night at her thought of having to kill Angel, in the light of day and his face she couldn’t force herself to do the smart thing and end it. She trusted him more than herself and he said the curse wasn’t a problem. And, self-delusion was half the fun of being in love. Might as well enjoy the ride!
**Houston, we are go for lift off.**
Cordy glanced at Angel who’s eyes were locked on hers, twinkling devilishly. She couldn’t control the blush that heated her chest and cheeks, nor could she control the sandwich that had started to twitch in her trembling hand.
I think that’s an affirmative.
**Time for the booster.**
Angel cleared his throat and casually asked, “Cordy, would you mind getting me the Masters and Johnson file?”
“Why don’t you get it yourself? You’re already standing and I’m eating my lunch.” She had no idea what he was up to, but she knew she didn’t want to give him any advantage.
“Because I have no idea where you might have filed it.” When she didn’t move, he tilted his head and gave her his version of an arched eyebrow and said, “Please.”
She placed her sandwich down and crossed to the cabinet, pocketing the note and staring him down as she went. Going straight to the “B” file for “Butt Loads of Money” (naturally), she pulled out the file and immediately saw the now familiar parchment folded over one edge.
She turned her head and saw Angel, brow dipped, eyes glazed, lips parted slightly and the tip of his tongue slowly wetting them. Her pulse quickened and her lips involuntarily pursed imagining capturing his sneaky tongue. She took a deep breath and quickly glanced around the room to see if anyone else was watching her. It felt like a million orbed daggers were piercing her back. When she reassured herself no one but she and Angel were participating in this dance, she turned back to the file and opened the note.
Red silk wrap dress, black patent leather sling-backs…nothing else
Angel saw her shoulders tense as the shiver rose up her spine and spread across them and down her limbs. The now familiar scent of her burgeoning arousal hit him unexpectedly and he let out a soft groan.
**Bam! That’s what I’m talkin’ about. Now light that liquid fuel and let’s have blast off.**
Angel rolled his eyes. Can you stop with the NASA analogy? It’s really turning me off, and I’d like to enjoy this.
**Eat me, fuckwad. You try being clever all the time. There’s bound to a dud now and then. Hah! Dud! Get it? Dud missile?**
Maybe I should let you out more. I think you’re loosing it.
Cordy regained her composure and slowly crossed to Angel with the folder. Her eyes fell shyly as she let her little finger stroke the back of his hand as she passed the file over. He wasn’t expecting the aggressive touch and felt the undead equivalent of his blood rushing to his groin. He pulled a Cordy and bit his lower lip. Her mouth stretched upward at his response.
“Here ya go…master.” She gave it the Marilyn Monroe breathy routine on the word “master” and got the wide-eyes, perked brows and gulp she’d hoped for.
“Charles! You’ve got the string all tangled. Give it to me!”
Fred’s loud whine broke the hypnotic moment between them. They both looked toward Gunn and Fred nervously expecting that their secret was now exposed. Angel leaned on the counter, immersing himself in the unneeded file, and Cordy whipped back to her desk and now crusty sandwich.
**What are you waiting for? Finish it!**
All right!
Angel picked up the file he’d prepared earlier and crossed to Cordy’s side, blocking the view from the couch. He turned to see if Wes could be seen and was satisfied that the door was closed enough to interfere with his line-of-sight.
Opening the file, he pointed to some words on the top page. “Cordy, would you mind seeing if this place has a web site?”
She glanced at him suspiciously, but was, by now, somewhat intrigued. She did a Google on the building and found the home page link. When the modern, shimmering, all-glass hotel appeared on the screen, Angel pointed to it and leaned in, his lips tickling her ear as he whispered.
“Here…tonight…eleven o’clock…elevator 3. Wear only what I said. I’m going to need access to everything.” He brushed her ear with a ghostly kiss. Cordy sighed and closed her eyes for a moment. When she opened them, he was gone.
Holy…damn…fuck!
Cordy opened the bottom drawer of her desk, pulled out her purse and hustled toward the hotel exit. She yelled on her way, “Wesley, I’ve got to go out for a little while. I need a few…essentials.” She fingered the notes in her pocket and felt a bead of sweat roll down her cleavage.
(2) Keep your prey off balance.
5:53 pm
“Cordy? Which is it? A, B, or C?”
She was furious. If they’d been in Alaska in January, there’d be enough steam rising from her head to power up Pittsburgh. What the hell is he doing? Is he trying to make me stake him?
“I’m not answering that, Angel, because it’s not anyone’s business.”
“Ah, c’mon. It’s all in fun. Everybody else is answering. Hey! This is your magazine, and there’s already a score written down here, so I know you’ve already taken the test.” Angel knew he was pushing her to edge with this Cosmo “Rate Your Sexual Appetite” quiz. And, that was exactly the plan.
Angelus had suggested using the magazine. Angel never did find out how he knew the test was even there. All he would say was, **I’m an observer. I observe.**
Getting private Cordy and tight-ass Wesley to agree to participate was the hard part, but luckily the new love birds, Gunn and Fred, were excited enough to cajole them into it.
He’d already found out she preferred candle light to complete darkness, a solid mixed drink to wine, and wasn’t a fan of porn. She’d been dismayed to discover he was addicted to sex under a spotlight, any liquor straight up, and could name every title in the adult section of any video store. So far, they were night and day on the compatibility scale and his proclivities were beginning to make her nervous.
“So, which is it? Are you: (A) a traditionalist, Missionary all the way; (B) a romanticist, any way as long as the mood is right; or (C) a classicist, bondage and S&M.”
Everyone’s eyes were trained on Cordy. All of them, save Fred, had smug smirks anticipating her nasty answer. Fred just stared at her thumbs moving like rotors furiously around each other. Cordy thought she might actually start to ascend like a self-propelled helicopter.
“Geez, you guys are such pervs. All right, all right. My answer is B, I guess. There. Happy now?” Cordy slammed the file drawer closed and flopped in her desk chair. She thought about trying to hide in the bathroom, but knew there was no way Angel was going to give up on this stupid test. He’d wait her out for sure, so she might as well get it over with.
“Fred? What do you say?” Angel poised his pen feigning to be interested in her answer when he was still absorbing Cordy’s.
**Man, she’s so boringly white bread. She’s sucking any enthusiasm I had for this project dry.**
Were you in that room last night, Mr. I’m an observer. She’s not being honest. She’s too embarrassed.
“Girl, you are not going there!” Gunn was shocked but not truly as appalled as he sounded.
“What? I’m from Texas. We learn how to use a whip and hog tie before we’re three.”
Angel gathered from that exchange that Fred had selected (C) since he’d been too busy thinking to pay attention to her. Angelus heard.
**Whoa, doggie! I think we’re casting our sex net on the wrong filly. Back that scrawny ass right up here, baby. I’ll whip it good.**
“Angel. Angel!” Wesley poked his arm to get his attention.
“Huh? What?” Angel was still retching over his demon’s graphic thoughts.
“What’s your answer? Although I doubt any of us will be shocked by your preference.”
“Oh! Yeah. Well, sure. I’ve got to go with (C) because…well…vampire.”
Cordy was half hoping he’d pick anything except the S&M answer. The other half was secretly thrilled that he did. Okay, so I’m a little twisted. It’s not like I kill kittens or anything. I just think a little slap and tickle every once in awhile might be exciting. Damn, my cheeks are hot.
She turned to the monitor hoping Angel hadn’t picked up on her secret desires.
With her back to him, she didn’t see the corner of his lip curl. He’d noticed.
“Okay, next question…,” Angel continued.
It was obvious he wasn’t going to give up with this stupid test or his mission to apparently piss her off. And when push comes to shove, Cordy could shove with the best of them.
He wants to know what my preferences are? Well, never let it be said Cordelia Chase wasn’t a team player.
Cordy swiveled around in her chair and rose to join the gang. “Ya know, these questions are lame…” she began, but Angel cut her off.
“Ah, c’mon. Let’s finish it. We’re having fun here, Cor.”
“If you’d let me finish… These questions are lame because they’re too PC. I say we ask whatever we want to know straight out. You know me, honesty at all costs.” She smiled sweetly with just an edge of fuck-you-asshole smirk.
Thirty-five minutes later, dinner not even mentioned much less ordered, and everyone was gathered at the counter for the serious invasion of privacy to ensue. Their questions were prepared with some already asked and answered. Fred, Gunn and Wesley had already taken their turns having asked about best fantasy date, favorite foods to eat off your mate, and which English monarch would you most like to fornicate with (guess who made that one up), and it was down to Angel and Cordy questions. Always the gentleman, Angel allowed Cordy to go first.
Cordy cleared her throat and stared him straight in the eye. “Who was the best lover you ever had? Angel?”
**Man, is this bitch clever or what? You can’t win with this one, so you might as well cut off your dick and hand it to her now.**
Angel knew what he meant. He couldn’t say Cordy was the best, even if she was, because…duh …secret that he can’t share. But, if he didn’t say Cordy and said any of the other women she knew about, she’d hate him for sure.
Actually, this works out perfectly. I need to get her to break up with me, and this should put some fuel on that fire.
“Well, this is kind of a tough one,” he calmly asserted. “I’ve had so many lovers. But, I guess it would have to be between Darla and Buffy. Darla certainly had the whole passion and technique in her favor being a vampire and former prostitute, but I guess in the end I’d have to say Buffy. She wasn’t experienced and it was just that one time…well, a few times that one time…but it did result in perfect bliss. I guess you can’t beat perfect bliss.” He smiled charmingly and was rewarded with a glare that could kill if he weren’t already so predisposed.
Buffy! Isn’t it always Buffy? I could’ve handled anyone else but her. Damn him! The storm that raged just under her skin reached her eyes and pinked her nose. Blinking furiously, she turned and excused herself to go to the restroom. “You guys keep going. I’ll be right back.”
**I have to hand it to you. Buffy! Brilliantly handled. I can smell the fury and pain from here. I’ve never felt closer to you than I do right now. Wanna hug?**
Shut the hell up.
The moment her face flushed and her eyes moistened, Angel’s dead heart screamed to take it back. He knew she was in there trying to stop herself from crying over him. He knew she was giving herself a pep talk and telling herself he wasn’t worth it. And, he knew she wasn’t succeeding because his ears picked up the muffled sobs and sniffles and the occasional expletives berating her weakness. If she didn’t stop soon, he would break down that door and carry her to his room and sooth her with his mouth and hands and words until she forgot everything and everyone but the two of them. Please stop, Cordy.
“Hey, Barbie! Are you coming back? It’s you’re turn,” Gunn yelled anxious to hear something about her mysterious sex life.
“Yeah, just a sec,” she yelled back.
Angel heard the water running, the sound of a runny nose being emptied, splashing and then some more bolstering of her ego with some final words of self-encouragement. He couldn’t help but intake two deep breaths along with her before the door opened.
Cordelia quickly walked back to her spot, a smile plastered on her freshly washed face, ignoring Angel’s stare. Her red eyes masked by the false bravado she summoned for the sake of her family. “So, it’s my turn, huh? Let’s see my best lover. Hmmm…so many good ones to choose from… Well, strangely enough, I think I’m going to have to go with Xander. I know, he was a geek and cheated on me, but he was my first love…well really my only love now that I think about it…so that kind of makes him the most special. Plus, not a slacker in the equipped department, if you know what I mean.”
How stupid to ask a question like that when I’ve only really had two lovers: Wilson, the living demon sperm bank, and undead guy over there. Oh, well. No one knows I never slept with Xander. And by that shocked look on Angel’s face, I’m thinking good choice to lie about.
The humidity in the room shot past one hundred percent at the mention of Xander. Angel wasn’t even aware his mouth had dropped open and he was staring at her with his disbelief and horror exposed. I can’t believe he touched her. His hands…his body on my Cordy…before me. If I could puke… I’m going to cut off his not-a-slacker equipment and…
**And, what? You’re getting rid of her after tonight remember? Could be after the heartbreak of losing us, she may just seek comfort in the arms of her first love. Nothing you can do about that.**
I may not be able to have her, but I’ll never let that slayer hag touch her again.
“Angel, it’s your turn. Do you have a question?” Fred asked meekly of the seemingly dazed vampire.
Angel jerked to attention. But, his low, menacing tone revealed a little too much about his feelings concerning Cordy’s previous answer. “When you masturbate, and don’t even try to say you don’t, do you fantasize about anyone in this room and who is it?” He had looked at everyone as he asked the question, but his eyes ended up on Cordy’s and dared her to lie.
“All right, then. I think that’s enough fun and games for today. I’m sure there’s work somewhere…” Wesley’s attempt to thwart the ramifications that this question might have for all of them was interrupted by an unlikely source.
“No, Wes. We answered the others’ questions. It’s only fair we answer Angel’s.” Cordy may have sounded calm, but inside she was confused and quaked with the original ire building again in her veins. Okay now I know he’s doing this on purpose, and he’s aiming it at me. Why? What did I do to deserve this? Damn, stupid vampire.
“Cordy, this particular question is more than embarrassing for the individual answering, it could embarrass others and possibly interfere with our fundamental working dynamic,” Wesley reasoned.
“Ah, c’mon, English. We’re all adults. I say let’s spill it and deal. Too much sexual tension in this crowd anyway. It’s about time we had some fun with it.” Gunn slapped his palms together and rubbed them anxious to get the party started. “If you’re too scared, Wes, I’ll go first. I have fantasized about both Barbie and taco girl here, and I ain’t ashamed of it. They’re both fine as hell and deserve to be in the rotation right up there with Halle and Janet.”
“Wow! I’m in the rotation? That’s so sweet. I’m…honored,” Fred gushed sincerely. Her pink cheeks tilted slowly toward Gunn’s face, oblivious to the others in the room. Gunn moistened his lips, the need to press them to hers overtaking any embarrassment.
Wesley saw the unimaginable heartache about to happen and squeaked. Quickly he cleared his throat to cover his unmanly reaction to the scene. The trance of the two almost lovers was broken, and all eyes honed in on Wesley. His unfortunate outburst had garnered the precise attention he didn’t want. Forced to give his answer, he desperately prayed for a well-timed apocalypse.
“Yes, well. I suppose it really goes without saying that both women of Angel Investigations are beautiful and worthy of any healthy male’s fantasy. And, I am no exception. At one time or another Cordelia and Fred have…uh…well…been the recipients of…forgive me ladies…my lust. And, if I’m to be completely forthright, there have been occasions in which both were, shall we say, active participants with each other as well as with me.” Wesley inhaled deeply and bowed his head completely humiliated. “I apologize for my depravity, and it will never happen again.” He steadfastly turned, entered his office and closed the door.
The remaining gamers stared at the closed door amazed. Cordy spasmed with a swallowed snigger, and Gunn and Fred couldn’t hold back their chortles any longer. Only Angel stood stoic and determined, not pleased with the humor infecting what should be an uneasy situation.
**What’s wrong with these people? They’re supposed to be nervous and scared like that pansy, Wes. What kind of sick bunch of pervs do you have working for you?**
I guess you’re not the all-knowing, hot little demon you thought you were. A masturbation question…how Eighteenth Century.
**Hey! It was a perfectly good question that normal humans would be afraid to talk about. You just happen to work with morally depraved, social misfits.**
“Whadyaknow? Wesley’s a man. A girlie man, but still… Who knew?” Cordy smiled brightly, some of the anger she was harboring dissipated at the completely mortified ex-Watcher’s confession. Nothing she could say could be more debasing than that exhibition.
“Not me. Never would’ve guessed Mr. Tight Upper Lip would even know what a threesome meant much less fantasized about one. I have a new respect for the egg head.” Gunn nonchalantly wrapped an arm over Fred’s shoulder and pulled her closer. Surprised by the openly affectionate move, she stood stiff and kind of tilted toward him but slowly relaxed when no one else seemed to notice or care.
Fred added, “Well, I’m just amazed anybody thinks I’m fantasy worthy. It’s kinda thrilling.”
“Oh, c’mon, Fred, you know you’re a cutie. Don’t be so modest,” Cordy chided. “Besides, I believe it’s your turn, missy. So fess up. Which of our gorgeous, calendar men do you think about?”
“Well, um…God, this is so embarrassing. Okay, when I first got back…well it’s no secret I kinda got all mushy about Angel and the whole hero thing…so naturally he’d be very prominent in my…um…dreams. But kinda recently for some reason, Charles has been showing up all unexpected like. I hope y’all aren’t offended.” She wound a strand of her hair around her finger and licked her lips nervously.
“Offended? Any man would be proud to be your fantasy date. Ain’t that right, Angel?” Gunn punched his shoulder when he didn’t respond to reassure her.
The jostling broke Angel’s concentration on his seer and he turned to Gunn annoyed. But, seeing Fred’s hair tugging and lip biting, some of his self-inflicted fury waned. “Huh? Oh, sure. Proud. Anyone would be.” He offered the tiniest of smiles to her before turning back to Cordy. “Cordy, I believe it’s your turn,” he prodded, crossing his arms protecting his chest from the spearing he knew was coming.
He’s not the only one with a game face. Pfft. Who does he think he’s scaring with those black eyes, knitted brow, shoulders so massive they could stop a tank…damn he’s hot as hell when he’s pissed off. Now, what can I say that will piss him off even more?
She tried to keep the evil grin inside from showing on her face and she succeeded except for her eyes.
“Well, I was going to lie and use the ‘I’m a Catholic and the nun’s scared me out of masturbating’ routine, but what the hell. There was some fantasizing about Wesley back in Sunnydale. But, that was before I actually kissed him…well, the first time anyway.”
Kissed Wesley? First time? What the fuck? Whatever sum of rage that had diminished with Fred’s humbled confession was back in full force.
“After that kiss, it was so obvious I couldn’t fantasize about him knowing what a slobbering fool he was. But, then, the second time we kissed in L.A….”
Second time? In L.A.? Where the hell was I? I’m going to kill him!
**Seems the cheerleader has a thing for all things Sunnydale. Too bad you were sloppy thirds.**
“…well, it was really pretty hot. He’d apparently gotten some practice during his Rogue Demon hunting days, and he earned a spot in my fantasy Roladex and hasn’t really ever left.
Angel tried to keep the fire in his chest and thoughts from reaching his mouth, but it consumed him. “When did you kiss Wesley?” He said it through clenched teeth and very slowly. No one in the room missed the jealous tone.
Inwardly proud that she’d made him angry and pleased that he was jealous, Cordy struggled to keep her face neutral but light-hearted. “Oh, geez, Angel you remember. I told you about the kiss in the library in high school. The one that was like kissing a carp. And, the second one was the day I found out I had the visions, and I tried to get rid of them. Remember? I kissed you that day, too. Oh, and I have to say, you were the one with fish lips that day.”
Okay, that was years ago and… What? Fish lips?
“So, is Wes the only one then?” Speaking of fish, Gunn threw out his rod hoping to hook a guest appearance in Barbie’s dreams.
“Gunn, well, what can I say? You’re a real honey and watching you swing that axe every day, got me wondering early on what else you could do with those arms. So, hell yeah, you’re one of my favorites, sweetie.” She pinched his cheek and unashamedly flashed him a sun worthy grin.
The room was silent while Cordy finished with the Gunn love and turned her focus back to Angel. “I guess it’s your turn,” she told him.
He was stunned. She wouldn’t dare. Wes and Gunn and not him?!? This was not a possibility in any dimension. Fortunately, he didn’t have to humble himself to ask because Fred’s curiosity couldn’t be checked.
“Uh, Cordy. What about Angel? Don’t you…ya know…about him?”
“Angel? For God’s sake, no! Okay, there may have been the possibility of it back in Sunnydale when I first saw him. But, then he went straight for Buffy and that whole tragic, star-crossed lovers’ story started. Then, after we all found out about the curse, he instantly became the one man in the whole universe I knew was a no-bone. So, I’ve never let myself think of him that way. What would be the point, right? So, no, I’ve never fantasized about Angel.” She was immensely proud of her matter of fact delivery. If he could see her shaking legs, however, her lie would be exposed and is heart might not be aching right now.
**I don’t care what you say. That bitch is a fuckin’ demon and…ah hell…I love the shit out of her.**
I’m happy for you. Too bad tonight the honeymoon ends.
**Oh, right. Forgot about that for a moment. Tonight will only be the beginning. She’s mine…forever.**
Cordy saw a glimmer of pain cross his stony countenance, and her good humor died. Once again, I crossed the line between poking fun and poking a stake in his heart. Am I ever going to learn that when I hurt him it hurts me? Well, I guess I deserve what’s coming next. Okay, give it your best shot, demon boy.
“C’mon, man. I’m sure it was tough keeping your pretty face out of her dreams. And it’s not like she wanted to keep you in the no-bone column. It was just, you know, necessary to keep everybody alive.” Gunn felt the sting Angel received as if it were his own. He may be a vampire, but half of him was all man and he had a man’s ego. Any rejection, especially from the woman you’re sleeping with, is tough to take. His friend needed bucking up, and Gunn took up the task.
Angel vaguely heard Gunn trying to smooth things over, and softened a bit at his friend’s concern. Sensing how his tensed stance must appear to the others and especially to Cordy, he unfolded his arms and placed his palms calmly on the counter.
“Oh, sure. I’m glad really. I wouldn’t want Cordy wasting any valuable fantasy moments on a eunuch when she could be salivating over a hunk like Wesley. Completely understandable. Actually, it makes it easier, because I don’t fantasize about anybody here. Sorry, Fred.”
“Oh, no, that’s okay. Really. I’d kinda be embarrassed if you did.” Fred felt Gunn’s arm tug at her waist in a comforting snuggle.
Cordy fought to stem the bubbling acid in her stomach from rising to her throat. She knew she deserved it and she knew it was coming, but it still hurt hearing it.
“So, not once? Never have you ever fantasized about me? Not that it matters, and not meaning to sound too egotistical here, but I’m not bad on the eyes so I find it difficult to believe that you never, ever thought about it.” She couldn’t resist challenging him.
He forced himself to look her in the eye and lie. “Nope, never. In all fairness to you, up until very recently all my fantasies were filled with Buffy. And, now…well, it’s like you’re my sister so that would just be wrong.”
Cordy flinched uncontrollably. It was one thing to throw his Buffy fantasies in her face, but to say she was like a sister to him was intentionally brutal and vile. That was too much and totally unexpected. She kicked herself when the burning behind her eyes started again. Well, it was nice while it lasted. His eyes said it all. I guess demons have no problem fucking their sisters, but they certainly don’t fall in love with them. I’ve got to end this. He can never know I’m in love with him. I couldn’t stand it if he knew. I just need one more night…one more night in his arms. Turning her back to hide the hurt, her legs felt like lead as she went back to her desk and the unemotional computer.
**Man, that was cold. The sister comparison. Nice. Very, very nice. Too bad you couldn’t use the mother analogy. That would’ve really killed her.**
Don’t pat me on the back. I’m not proud of hurting her.
**Well I’m proud enough for both us. So, I guess that means it’s working. Tonight should cinch it. After I get through with her, you’ll be free and clear to brood to your heart’s content.**
I can’t wait,Angel deadpanned.
He watched Cordy shuffle dejectedly back to her desk. His arms fell to his side. The pull of gravity on his numb hands plus the weight of what he’d just done to the woman he loved pulled and pushed his shoulders so far down he could barely stand. Somehow he dragged his body toward the stairs and away from the carnage that, in another life, he would have reveled in.
Gunn and Fred watched the two lovers part and then stared at each other puzzled. They both shrugged deciding that what Cordy and Angel had was obviously so weird they wouldn’t be able to fathom it.
“Well, that was fun. Who’s hungry?” Gunn looked at his girl and her eyes sparkled at the thought of food. Now that’s something I understand. I am so glad we’re normal.