Chapter Three:
Angel stared down at the girl lying next to him in the car and gently brushed a dark silky strain of hair off her face. Cordelia hadn’t stirred once since Angel had taken her from the hospital. She really was beautiful; he sighed, so innocent and fragile.
Well, not really all that fragile, he amended, thinking back to her anger in the hotel.
Angel was truly grateful that whatever pain medication she had taken had knocked her out so completely. He needed to get to the fake Swami’s cabin before she woke up.
The cabin had been abandoned since the fraud T’ish Magev had gone. It was the only place that Angel could think of to take Cordelia so they could be alone and talk, without distractions. He just hoped that they reached it before the medication wore off.
Otherwise, the car ride would be unpleasant and possibly quite dangerous, he thought. Cordelia was going to be livid. But she loved him, right; she would listen to him. Or did she?
Angel was starting to have second and third doubts about his decision. Cordelia had said that she thought she had loved him, not that she actually still loved him. And she yelled that she hadn’t known who he was anymore. Angel couldn’t fault her for that, he didn’t even know who he was anymore.
Was he the vampire with the soul that helped the helpless? Or was he and would he always be the vampire with the damned soul destined to always fail?
The vampire had done everything in his power, consciously and unconsciously, over the last month to drive his family and Gunn away. Angel couldn’t even remember all of the things he said or did, not really. Angel’s mind and thoughts had been so consumed with Darla that he had just reacted instinctively in anger at their interference. The vampire sighed, he had better start remembering because Cordelia surely would. So, Angel thought back over the last month picturing his actions.
He would have to try to explain them if he was going to get Cordelia to understand. Angel grimaced as he remembered his indifference and coldness to Wesley and Cordelia. But his apathy or even his gruff behavior wouldn’t have caused the hatred in Cordelia’s voice at the hotel, because it was contempt he had heard in her voice, not just anger. Not, even his firing of her, Wesley and Gunn couldn’t have done that, he thought uneasily.
Cordelia had a tremendous capacity for patience and acceptence of his brooding and at times boorish behavior. She had come to him twice after the firing. What did she say those times, more importantly what did he say to her? Why was it so difficult for him to remember the exact details?
Angel had just deperately wanted her to leave him alone in his misery, but she wouldn’t go. Her voice, her mere presence intruded on his self-guilt. But eventually, she had left him and now she hated him. What had he done? Oh god, he thought as a strange feeling came over him as he recalled yelling at her as she attempted to reach out to him.
Bile rose in his throat as he heard his cold voice tell Cordelia that she was nothing more than a self-absorbed useless whining pest. Angel couldn’t have hurt her more if he had tried, attacking her insecurities in such a ruthless manner.
He couldn’t have hurt her more, except if he had….The car swerved off the road. Angel fell out of the car retching up old blood as sudden nausea hit. Angel wiped the bloody bile off his mouth; he pulled his hand away and stared. Oh god, he thought as another wave of nausea came over him. Angel had physically attacked Cordelia, in a black rage he had put his hand around her fragile neck in an attempt to block out her presence.
He crawled back into the car and shook in stunned disbelief. Angel brought up his hand inches from Cordelia’s slim neck. He flexed his fingers closer to her skin; Angel jerked his hand back quickly. How could he have raised his hands to her in anger, use his strength against her? The very thought was abhorrent. But he had, he thought in dismay.
In his preoccupation to save Darla had he been so lost to reason, that his demon was able to take control? No, he couldn’t blame his acts of cruelty on Angelus. Angel had his soul. What had he become? Cordelia had yelled, no she had choked that Wolfram & Hart had won that he had become worse than his demon; he had become Angelus with a soul.
The vampire closed his eyes against the memory of Cordelia crouched against the wall, the shock and pain on her face, the reddening marks marring her smooth skin.
What had he been thinking taking her away from the hospital? Angel couldn’t ask for her understanding or forgiveness, what he had done was unforgivable. He had completely and utterly destroyed her trust in him, Angel thought in despair. He sat in the car staring in dazed sorrow out into the night. Angel noticed in detachment that it would be dawn soon.
The only thing that kept him from staying and watch the sunrise, was the fear of leaving Cordelia out there alone. Even if she were awake she would not be in any condition to drive back to LA. Angel started to turn the car back towards the city. And then, well then, he shrugged there would always be another sunrise tomorrow.
The words of the song playing on the car stereo penetrated through his haze.
Her eyes were hazel brown, she laughed the sweetest sound
And I just loved the way she lit up when she spoke
She helped to ease my pain, she stayed through the pouring rain
And I gave her all that she could take till she broke
She fit me like a glove, she taught me how to love
And for some ass I watched it all go up in smoke
Do you want to be loved for real, do you want to be loved for real
Do you want to be…loved. Yes, I wanna be loved for real
For real. Do you want to be in love for real
Yes I want to be in love for real.
Angel slammed his fist into the radio in despair and rage. Some stupid pop song had just summed up how he had destroyed his only chance to be loved. And the vampire realized in sudden desperation, that he really wanted to be loved.
He wanted to be loved by the beautiful girl lying next to him with the hazel brown eyes and a smile the could light up any darkness. Angel wanted it more than he had wanted anything in all of his years of existence, even his redemption.
Cordelia stirred on the seat. “Angel”, she murmured getting restless. Angel glanced at her. Cordelia was still asleep. He hesitantly reached his hand to her head and gently stroked her dark hair. Angel took an unneeded breath as the young girl calmed at his touch.
Maybe, just maybe, he thought fearfully as he continued to caress her. Could he be that selfish? Yes, the vampire could, but should he? No, Angel thought, he should just get out of Cordelia’s life and never let his darkness taint the innocent young girl again.
Cordelia curled up closer to the vampire and sighed. But, Angel thought, with a small glimmer of hope, just maybe, Cordelia’s courageous spirit and capacity for love and forgiveness would be great enough and strong enough for the both of them. He thought with not a small measure of sadness at the unfairness of what he was going to ask from her.
But Angel needed her and loved her too much, not to take the chance. He had no choice but to try to regain what he had lost. Even if he had to fight her to do it. Angel sighed and tried to prepare himself for the most important battle of his existence.
Angel glanced at Cordelia still sleeping, but now on the couch in the abandoned cabin. He sighed, as he had third and fourth doubts about his decision. He really hadn’t thought this through very well. He had kidnapped Cordelia literally from under the nose of Wesley. Wesley and Gunn were going to be anxious, he thought in a classic understatement.
Then there was the fact, that he hadn’t he even thought about bringing along any food or clothes for Cordelia. Angel began to seriously wonder if he had lost his mind. Cordelia hated him and she hated to be uncomfortable and hungry. And let’s not forget that she will be in pain because he didn’t even remember to get her medication.
Oh god, he thought, any chance he had to rebuild Cordelia’s trust was gone as he looked at the near empty cabin.
Why couldn’t he have taken her to some five star hotel, at least there she could have been comfortable in her hatred for the vampire. Angel slumped over, with his hands covering his face. But that wasn’t the real problem, the real obstacle was what he had done to his best friend.
A sudden overwhelming feeling of guilt flowed through his body. Angel couldn’t even take her back now, he thought, the sun had risen about 20 minutes ago. Maybe, he should just call Gunn and have him come get Cordelia.
He could do that, if the damn phone worked, he thought in disgust. Maybe, Cordelia would be merciful and stake him quickly.