Part 12
Cordelia sat and stared aimlessly at the rain pouring outside the window of Starbucks. She held a steaming cup of coffee in both hands, her eyes unfocused as her gaze penetrated the trickles of water sliding down the outside of the glass. In its own way, this crazy spring storm soothed her. It seemed to fit her mood: the world was weeping, and she was weeping with it.
Her heart ached unlike anything she’d ever experienced. She thought she’d had her heart broken before, when Xander had betrayed her with Willow, but that experience was a paper cut compared to this brutal stab to her gut. Her heart felt more than bruised; it was pounded and pulverized, the pain so great she could barely breathe.
Having lost count of the number of tears she’d shed in the last 24 hours, Cordelia felt numb save that constant ache in her heart. She’d sought solace here, alone amongst the masses, hoping that the steady pulse of life around her would take away some of the bleakness of her life. Unwillingly, her mind traveled back to the morning after they’d slept together, two days ago. It made her eyes well up even now to think about it.
They’d both been exhausted from the intensity of their joining, but that hadn’t stopped them from turning away from each other. They’d acted ashamed of themselves, embarrassed, uncertain, and the chill in the air had been enough to bring goose bumps to Cordelia’s skin. They’d awkwardly pulled themselves from the bed, Cordelia retreating into the bathroom for a shower, Angel going down the hall to an empty room for the same. They’d met in silence over breakfast.
Cordy’s attitude had plummeted the moment Angel said nothing at breakfast. He almost didn’t look at her, and she felt as though she’d been found unworthy somehow. She felt that the problem wasn’t with herself, but with him. So who the hell was he to ignore her? It should be the other way around. They’d gotten in a huge fight that day over whose turn it was to empty the garbage. Wesley had finally yelled at them and taken it out himself.
The rest of the day had gone even further down hill. They were both irritable, angry, and hurting, and they weren’t willing to talk about it. Sleeping together that night had been out of the question, and Cordelia was grateful that Angel had disappeared sometime around midnight and hadn’t returned until very early in the morning. She’d clung to her side of the bed, huddled up and miserable.
The next day hadn’t been any better. They’d walked on eggshells around each other all day, studiously avoiding one another. It wasn’t until that night that things came to a head again. She shuddered even now at the ice that had surrounded them in bed. They’d forced themselves to kiss each other as their homework demanded, but it had been a dry, unfeeling touch that left them both aching for the intimacy they’d somehow lost.
Unbidden, her mind drifted back to the pain and torture of that night.
She’d been wrapped up tightly in a layer of old, worn pajamas and bed sheets, the only part of her that could be seen were her wide, expressionless eyes. Black pupils swallowed the hazel, leaving a bright corona of toffee rimming the dark orbs. The last place she wanted to be was here, in this bed, with him. Not when he so obviously didn’t want her. Not when he’d touched her so passionately and now couldn’t stand to be so close to her. She quivered inside with the pain of it.
Next to her, Angel lay in a similar position, only his hands were clasped across his chest on top of the sheets. His dark oak gaze staring unseeing around the dark and unlit ceiling. God, why did she have to be so close, so tempting? It was painful; a throbbing ache that wouldn’t leave him, both in his heart and his groin.
He could feel the nervousness flowing off the girl next to him in invisible waves as she forced her breathing to be expelled in even puffs of air. He steeled himself against reaching for her to comfort her. She didn’t want him. Her eyes had said as much, even as he’d slid inside her. He avoided the sound of her heart rate beating loudly in her chest, so hard that he was sure it was painful for her. He wouldn’t pay attention.
Even as he studiously ignored her, Cordelia’s body ached with laying in the same position for so long. But she didn’t dare move for fear of what would happen. She didn’t even dare straighten her legs in case her feet brushed against his.
Oh, god, she thought, keeping her eyes pointed straight up at the same ceiling he was looking at. The silence in the room was deafening with only passing vehicles and noises from outside to disturb the peace-less atmosphere.
Like his seer, Angel didn’t dare move an inch and he didn’t dare clear his throat. Doing so would break his hard-won concentration on anything but her. This had to be the longest night of his existence and that included all the hours he’d spent in hell.
After another hour of silence, the vampire’s tune had changed dramatically. He’d had pretty much had enough with the situation and of not moving. It was his bed, he had the right to move if he wanted too and therefore he was going to move.
Cordelia tensed right up when she felt the mattress shift a tiny bit and her fingers dug into the sheets she had been fisting since getting into bed. Her eyes flicked to grant Angel a dirty glance, telling him exactly what she thought of his movement.
“What?” he growled, “I needed to move”
“Did I say anything?” she snapped in response and settled down after a few moments of following silence. She could feel the contour of his leg which couldn’t have been more than two inches away from hers, the closeness making her give in to the need to move.
Angel tensed up himself when he felt the brunette move further away from him and he couldn’t help but relish the extra space at his disposal and shifted closer to the middle of the bed.
After that, Cordy had gritted her teeth and forced her eyes shut. The rest of the night had passed in a similarly uncomfortable manner, every breath of movement catalogued and groaned over. By the morning, they were both exhausted and tense, pulled on a tight string that made the tension impossibly higher.
Today, in reflection, she knew that she wasn’t the only one who’d been hurting. She knew deep down that there was more to Angel’s reaction to their lovemaking than he was revealing; otherwise, he wouldn’t have started things up in the first place. The only thing that kept her from running to him was her biggest fear. She was afraid that the reason he was acting this way was because he felt, in hindsight, that he’d betrayed Buffy and he couldn’t live with himself.
Hearing that from him would be worse than the most uncomfortable of silences.
“Hi, Cordy!” A friendly, feminine voice jerked Cordelia out of her miserable reverie. Her eyes widened at the woman near her, then a timid smile broke out onto her face.
“Hey, Kiki,” she said softly, immensely comforted to see her friendly manicurist. “I thought you worked today,” she said conversationally, trying to look normal.
The buxom blonde sat down across from her, hanging her purse and shopping bags on the chair’s back, then setting her latte on the table in front of her. She smiled reassuringly at Cordelia.
“I took the afternoon off. Thought I deserved it, you know? Can’t work all the time.”
“Yeah,” Cordy sighed, her mind elsewhere. Her gaze drifted back out the window again, her eyes following the pedestrians as they scurried past in the rain.
The women sat in silence for a few moments, Kiki quietly searching Cordelia’s face before she began to work her magic.
“So are you going to tell me what happened?” she said after a moment.
Cordy’s eyes whipped back in Kiki’s direction. All it took for her to lose it again was the sympathy that melted in the deep brown eyes of her friend. Eyes welling up with tears, Cordelia bit her full bottom lip and quickly looked away again.
Kiki waited for Cordelia to find her voice.
“We slept together,” Cordelia whispered, one tear trickling down her cheek. “We had sex, and it was beautiful.”
Kiki’s eyes grew wide, but she kept her voice neutral. “Then what’s the problem?”
Cordy’s eyes searched Kiki’s face in earnest. “It’s always drama with us, Kiki. Let’s just say that Angel has major issues, none of which can be ignored. Like yacht-loads of them.”
Kiki lowered her voice to a quiet murmur. “Does this have anything to do with Angel being a vampire?”
Cordelia’s mouth dropped open. “How do you know that?”
“Remember when you had that ‘headache’ during your manicure a couple of months back?”
Cordelia nodded. She’d had a particularly painful vision during the middle of that afternoon, and she’d had to call Angel from the salon. He’d been frustrated that he couldn’t come get her, and he’d almost not let her go back the next time she’d scheduled an appointment. Wesley had picked her up and the vision had been dealt with, but it didn’t seem as though it was really that big of a deal.
“What does that have to do with anything?” Cordelia finally said, not wanting to go into detail about her visions.
Taking a sip of her latte, Kiki kept her face carefully neutral. “I worked late that night, and it was winter so nightfall came early. I was just cleaning up my station to leave when this guy walked over and stood in front of me. I looked up, and of course, my first impression was to let my jaw drop.”
Cordy smiled faintly.
“I was like, ‘Damn; come to Mama,’” Kiki said in a flirty voice, her cheeky grin in place as she winked and wiggled her eyebrows at Cordelia across the table. “But he seemed so serious. It made me get serious in a hurry, too. He just stood there for a minute, then after he made sure it was me, he told me who he was and that you work for him.”
“Why?” Cordelia asked, her eyebrows raised in genuine confusion. “Why would he need to tell you?”
Kiki shrugged. “I got the impression he was checking to make sure I wasn’t psycho or something. He said that you get really horrible headaches, and that they’re his fault. He wouldn’t go into detail, but he did say that he needed to be called immediately if that ever happened again.”
Shaking her head, Cordy’s eyes got a faraway look in them. Angel was always so overprotective. But it didn’t bother her now, not like it used to. And today of all days, this reminder of his protection only served to highlight what she feared she was losing.
Kiki was continuing across from her. “It wasn’t until he turned to leave that I realized only my reflection was in the mirror across the room. After that, it made so much more sense.”
“What did?”
“All the little stuff you start to say and then don’t. The way that your business is mostly after hours when most PI’s keep daytime office hours.”
“But vampires?” Cordy said, skeptical. “Most normal people don’t believe in them, even when reality bites them in the ass. What made you a true believer?”
Kiki just smiled and leaned back in her chair, crossing her arms. “You’re not the only one with ties to Sunnyhell, chica. My favorite cousin lives there, and I used to spend summers with her. Our idea of fun was playing hide and seek in the graveyard behind her house. I saw my share of vampires, stupid little twit that I was.”
Cordy raised an eyebrow, then shook her head in wonderment that Kiki had lived to tell the tale. Her life came crashing back in a hurry, though, and she turned to look out the window as she sipped her coffee.
After a moment, Kiki said, “So what does Angel being a vampire have to do with you sleeping together?”
Cordelia’s jaw tightened and she grimaced. She explained about the curse and the happiness clause. As she spoke, Kiki’s face grew even more sympathetic.
“Oh, hon,” she sighed. “I’m so sorry.”
“Thanks,” Cordelia whispered, a tear running down her cheek as she swallowed back the lump in her throat.
“But curse or no curse, it doesn’t change the fact that you love him and he loves you.”
“He doesn’t love me,” Cordelia said sadly, staring at the remaining dark liquid in her cup.
“Oh, Please,” Kiki snorted. “Of course he loves you. Why else would he sleep with you?”
“But he didn’t lose his soul!” Cordy argued.
“He can still love you and not lose his soul. He probably saw the fear in your eyes and misinterpreted it as regret.”
Cordy forgot to breathe for a moment as she contemplated the possibilities. “You think so?” she said, the thought sparking hope in her again.
“I’d bet my front row seats to Ricky on it.”
Cordy smiled, knowing how much the other woman swooned over Ricky Martin. “Must be serious, then, if you’re willing to put those on the line.”
“Damn straight, girlfriend. I wouldn’t risk a missing the luscious view of my Ricky’s bon-bon unless I was certain.”
Despite her sadness, Cordy couldn’t help but giggle.
After a moment, she brought up her last remaining fear. “I know he cares about me, Kiki. He might even love me. I just don’t think he loves me more than he loves her, and I can’t live with that.”
“Who, that Bambi chick?”
“Buffy,” Cordy corrected with a wry grin.
“Whatever,” Kiki waved her correction away. “Like I said before. You’re here. She’s not. And he’d be a fool to pass up a gem like you.”
“Well, we have our appointment this afternoon, so keep your fingers crossed.”
“Of course, hon. I’ll have all my fingers crossed. And my toes crossed. And my legs crossed.”
“Thanks,” Cordy said, bringing her cup up to drain the last of her coffee.
“Unless Ricky comes by,” Kiki said thoughtfully as Cordelia drank. “Then I’ll have to forget about that last one.”
She had to pat Cordelia’s back as the younger woman laughed mid-sip and choked on her coffee.
“Sorry, hon,” she said sympathetically. “I gotta stop throwing those out there when people have their mouths full.”
Part 13
Dr. Van Buren stared across the room at her two clients, hoping that this was the last time she’d ever see their faces. It was more than obvious that she had her work cut out for her in this short session, but the clock was ticking. They had less than 24 hours to see that Angel’s soul was made permanent, and it she wouldn’t allow herself to think about the possibility of failing. She had to get through to them, and right now, or there would truly be no hope.
She sighed and shook her head, her eyes resigned as she caught each one’s gaze and held it for a brief moment before turning away.
“I see that not much has changed.”
Both remained stubbornly silent.
“Would either of you mind explaining what happened?”
The silence thickened.
“No?” she said sardonically, an eyebrow raised. “Guess I’ll have to up the stakes then. You,” she pointed at Cordelia. “Waiting room. Now.”
“Huh?” she asked, momentarily nonplussed.
“In the waiting room. I want to talk to Angel alone.”
“I don’t think—,” Cordy began, but a death glare form Dr. Van Buren stopped her. “Okay, okay,” Cordy grumbled, pulling herself out of the chair. “Fine. I’ll go in the waiting room.” She stalked away, sending a death glare of her own back at the therapist.
The moment the door snapped shut behind her, Dr. Van Buren dropped in the seat in front of Angel. “What the hell happened?” She demanded.
Angel grimaced. “Everything. Nothing,” he said, sighing. “God, this is such a damn mess.”
“I gathered that,” she said dryly. “But what happened?”
Angel finally raised his eyes to meet hers. “We slept together.”
Dr. Van Buren forgot to breathe for a moment. “And?” she said anxiously.
“It was a disaster. I was so close to perfect happiness, then I just saw something in her eyes. . .” he trailed off, then stood up and began to pace in frustration. “I think she loves me. No,” he stopped and faced her. “I know she loves me. But she doesn’t trust me. And that hurt too much at the time. I couldn’t overcome it. I need her to get lost in it, too. Otherwise, I can’t be truly happy.”
Dr. Van Buren nodded, then stood. “Okay. Look, here’s what’s going to happen.” She began to pace as she outlined the plan. Angel’s trepidation grew, but he also knew that her plan made sense. After a few moments of talking, she whirled around and pinned him with her steely stare. “Got it?”
Oh, he got it all right. “Yeah, okay,” he said, swallowing hard. “Bring her in.”
Within moments, Cordelia was ensconced next to Angel on the couch, clasping her hands nervously in front of her. What had they talked about in here?
Sitting gracefully across from them once again, Dr. Van Buren smiled comfortingly at the nervous young woman. “Cordelia, I’m going to ask Angel a series of questions. He’s agreed to answer them truthfully and completely. These questions are ones that you need answers to. I believe that once you hear what he has to say, the problems between you will melt away like sugar in the rain.”
“Okay,” Cordy said, puzzled, but intrigued.
“Very well,” Dr. Van Buren said, straightening her shoulders. “Angel, I’d like you to turn and face Cordelia, taking her hands in yours.”
He did as she asked, and he was amazed by the calm that stole over him just at the touch of her skin.
And the inquisition began.
“Angel, how do you feel about Cordelia?”
“I love her.” His simple statement, accompanied by the warm chocolate intensity of his gaze, brought tears to Cordy’s eyes.
“And how do you love her? Like a sister? A best friend?”
“No,” he said quietly. “Like the woman I see myself spending eternity with.”
Cordelia forgot to breathe, her heart pounding in her chest.
“Why do you love her, Angel?”
If it were possible, the intensity of his eyes grew deeper. “I love her because she makes me laugh. I love her because she keeps me on the right path. I love her because she loves all of me, the demon, the soul and the man. And I love her because she believes in me.”
The tears spilled over, and streamed down her face. Unable to help herself, Cordelia raised a hand up and stroked his cheek, her thumb brushing his jaw as she returned the love wordlessly in her gaze.
Dr. Van Buren ruined Cordelia’s bliss like an oven opened on a soufflé. “And how do you feel about Buffy Summers?”
Cordy bit her lip, her gaze looking down at their clasped hands as she shied away from what she feared would be in Angel’s eyes. He wouldn’t let her get away with it. His fingers grasped her chin, bringing it up and forcing her eyes to meet his.
“I will always love her for making me feel human again. BUT,” he added as Cordelia’s eyes welled up and she tried to look away. “I’m not in love with her anymore. I’m in love with Cordelia.”
When Cordy would have questioned him further, Dr. Van Buren interrupted her. “And if given a choice between Cordelia and Buffy, all other things being equal, whom would you choose?”
“Cordy,” he said without hesitation. “Buffy and I don’t belong together. Not anymore.”
Dr. Van Buren nodded once, decisively. “Very well. I believe that ends our session for today.” She consulted her watch, then gasped. “My word! The two of you must leave immediately. I have a much more important client coming in less than five minutes. Go! Shoo! You can work the rest of this out on your own.”
Her mind a whirlwind, Cordelia was totally flummoxed by Dr. Van Buren’s cavalier attitude. Hadn’t she said they needed to get rid of these feelings for each other? What was the woman up to now?
“Let’s go, Cor,” Angel said softly, standing, then pulling her up beside him. He laid his hand on the small of her back and guided her to the door. Over her head, he looked back at Dr. Van Buren, who winked at him saucily.
He couldn’t help but smile back.
As the door closed abruptly behind them, Cordelia snorted indelicately. “God, does that woman ever act normal?”
“Probably not,” Angel said with a smile, inwardly glad that Wesley’s connections had proven so trustworthy.