Title: Queen C Reflects
Summary: Cordelia has Angel on her mind. sequel to Broody Boy Does It Again
Disclaimer: The characters in the Angelverse were created by Joss Whedon & David Greenwalt. No infringement is intended, no profit is made.
Okay. Can someone please explain to me how I managed to get into this situation? What’s with all the tortured subtext?
As Angel said to me when that mad little old lady witch had me on the ropes, I’m Cordelia Chase, I say exactly what’s on my mind and I don’t care who gets in the way. So why do I keep staring at my boss from under my eyelashes, and like a pubescent on her first date, keep edging so I can stand that quarter inch closer to him?
Okay so he’s hot.
So what? It’s not like I haven’t seen a hot guy before. Although I suppose hot is the wrong word to use for Angel. Anyway, yeah he’s gorgeous. I’ve always known that . . .It’s just that lately I really seem to *know* that.
I don’t know why but it’s like I can’t stop watching him. And this is really embarrassing but a lot of the time I look at him. He’s looking back. If it were anyone but Angel I’d think all these undercover little glances meant he liked me.
But of course he doesn’t. And I have to get over this. We’re friends and that’s a lot. And I’m lucky I get to work with my best friend. With my very male best friend. With my male, gorgeous, sexy best friend oh just kill me!
Okay so I have the hots for Angel. I admit it, who wouldn’t. Have you seen the guy? But hey I can deal. I got over it once I can do it again. Actually I cringe at the thought of the way I threw myself at him in Sunnydale. Though most of that was just to piss Buffy and Xander off.
But that was different. I didn’t even really know him then. Now I do and I’m still crazy about him. I don’t think this is just a crush. I think, I think this could be it. You know like, love.
Because if it isn’t love that wakes me up in the night to stare at the clock and wonder how long it’ll be before I see him, and if it isn’t love that makes me want to be by his side all the time, no matter what awful things are coming, and if it isn’t love that keeps me hurtling around between being totally happy or utterly miserable, then what the hell is it?
And if it isn’t love thats driving me mad with frustration, and keeps me wanting to kiss him, to hold him, to lay next to him and undress him, wrapping my legs around his waist while he . . .Okay. Okay. Lets not go there. There is only so much flesh and blood can stand after all.
I suppose I’ve had these feelings for a while, but if I can’t do anything about them why bother? Even if he wasn’t a cursed vampire he still wouldn’t be interested. Whenever I hug him, he can’t get away fast enough.
But then again. . .he looks at me. I can feel his eyes almost caressing me, I know I’m really reaching here, but I shiver when I feel him looking at me. And when we stand close together he goes very still. Like he’s scared to move, like he’s scared of what would happen if he did.
Okay so maybe there is a microcosm is that a word? Anyway a tiny bit of him that is interested. But like I said, sad, cursed vampire, blah blah bliddy blah. Nothing we can do, so forget it, and move on.
But it’s not that easy. Other guys, they just seem kind of . . .not Angelly.
It’s just . . .he has this smile. Oh yeah it’s true. I myself have seen it, oh it must be five or six times now. And it knocks you flat. Sometimes I do the whole tactless Queen C thing just to see that smile. Although it can be kind of exasperated.
Sometimes it’s like he sucks all the air out of the room and leaves me feeling all woozy.
And boy can he handle himself. And his walk and his eyes, and oh my God did I mention his butt!
And I love the way he cares so much about people. The way he risks his life to make things right. He is a hero, not cos he can kick ass but because he keeps going, no matter how hard it gets. He makes me think I can keep going too.
Because God knows being a broke, failed attempted actress who gets visions and has come up against more terrifying things in the past three years than most people see in a lifetime, was never supposed to be on my resume.
And every time he leaves the office to do battle or whatever, I kind of die a little. Because I don’t know if he’s going to come back.
I wish I could talk to someone about this. The only person I’d trust is Wesley and I don’t want to tell him. He’d be so . . .uptight about it. I think he’d make me leave. I feel like we’re all walking a tightrope here and as soon as this subtext becomes . . .well text, then it’s all gonna be over.
Doyle would have been great to talk to about this . . .but then if Doyle were alive I wouldn’t be in this mess. Or at least I really hope I wouldn’t.
God I miss him. Sometimes Angel reminds me of him. Angel was probably a lot like Doyle before he was turned. Typical ne’er do well Irish drunk. But someone with a good heart too.
Okay. So. What am I gonna do now? Maybe I should ring Buffy. She’s got a certain expertise in this area. Buffy. Oh great there’s a name I just can’t hear enough of.
The love of his life. Hmm. I’m not jealous.
But this situation is totally different. We’re just friends.
Oh wow. There he is. My mouth has gone dry. Work brain work! I casually perch on the corner of his desk and come out with my usual banter about his brooding, angling for one of those smiles as I study his eyes and face and fingers. . .
I inch along until his fingers could easily brush my legs if he moved them a little. Of course he doesn’t.
I go out of the office again, but can’t resist taking another mental picture of him. And he’s still looking at me. I swear in that moment all I want is to jump on that desk, pull him on top of me, and show him just how much he’s been getting under my skin. Over and over again.
But of course I don’t. Because Angelus is still in there, just waiting for an opportunity to come out and play. Even if Angel wanted me.
So I let my glance slide away as I leave the room, and mentally kick myself for being so pathetic. But I’m not . . .really. I’m protecting my friend.
I won’t let myself hurt him. It doesn’t matter how much I hurt, just as long as he’s ok.
I won’t try to tempt him and as long as we maintain this balance we’ll be ok.