Title: Bad Timing
Rating: PG-13, tops. If I had the gift of smut, like certain members of the ST forum, believe me, I would be all about the NC-17. Hey, maybe if my real life gets a little more interesting then my fanfiction would heat up.
Content: C/A, teeny bit of B/A (it had to be done), B/S
Summary: This story is set a little after Cordy comes back from vacation with Groo, except in my AU world, there was no bad father-devouring-son prophecy and no babies growing up in hell dimensions. So people still like Wesley and I guess Holtz and Justine ran off to the mid-west together, because they certainly aren’t rearing their ugly heads in MY story.
Spoilers: “Couplet” for Ats and I guess about mid-season 6 for Btvs
Disclaimer: The characters in the Angelverse were created by Joss Whedon & David Greenwalt. No infringement is intended, no profit is made.
Distribution: Just please let me know.
Feedback:Do I want Feedback: You know I do.
Part 1: Can’t Stand the Heat
Cordelia often was faced with situations that made her really stop and wonder how far off track her life had veered. When she had spotted Xander and Willow swapping spit and fallen on a rebar. When she had inherited visions from “The Powers that Be” by kissing a half-demon.
When she had voluntarily gone all half-demony herself in order to continue helping people. But standing in the kitchen of the Hyperion on Friday night, Cordy was dumbstruck at how unexpected her life really was.
She was standing in the kitchen with pots and pans strewn everywhere, chopping vegetables. The steam from the pot on top of the oven wasn’t doing pretty things to her hair (which was three weeks overdue for some highlights) and a glimpse at the door of the microwave oven told her that her face was more than a little shiny.
Add that to the fact that she was bouncing a 7-month old baby on her hip and the picture was complete. Somewhere on the road to international superstardom, she had come to look a whole heck of a lot like a housewife.
Cordelia shook off the mutual feelings of disgust and pleasure that thought sent through her and tried to concentrate on what Fred was saying.
“It’s not that I want to pry, it’s just that you came back from vacation so early and Groo’s nowhere to be seen and it’s been two weeks and I just, oh come on, you’ve got to tell me what happened,” Fred whined, popping a piece of green pepper in her mouth.
“Fred, I told you, I just, you know, had an epiphany.”
“Ohhhhhh, like Angel did? After sex? So you did com-shuck the Groosalog!”
“I didn’t say that.”
“So you didn’t. You kept the potion?”
“I didn’t say-dammit, Angel said he would be right back. This whole give Cordy a cooking lesson thing was HIS idea and he just disappears. ANGELLLL.”
“Hey sorry, I couldn’t find his pacifier,” Angel said as he walked back into the kitchen.
“That’s odd, seeing as there’s at least twenty stashed all over the hotel,” Cordy said, passing the baby off to Fred and joining Angel at the stove.
“They do keep turning up in the strangest places,” Fred noted. “I mean, yesterday, I found one in Gunn’s pants.”
Both Cordelia and Angel immediately whipped around to stare at the girl, Angel scowling while Cordy’s eyebrows reached unprecedented heights.
Fred bit her lip. That had not come out right. “No, uh, laundry, I was doing laundry and some of Gunn’s things were in there, and there was a pacifier jammed in a pocket. And I reached in and got it. So, um, I was technically IN Gunn’s pants, um, but not in the sense that he was in them at the same time, and I think Connor and I are gonna go see what’s happening in the other room.” With that, Fred fled.
Cordy and Angel both turned back to the stove, standing for several seconds in silence. They both glanced over at the other person and then quickly glanced away. Cordy heard a squeak and than realized it was her, trying to hold a laugh in. She looked over at Angel. He was silent and his lips looked clamped together.
Then she noticed the shaking. She let out another squeak and then her laughter came spilling out, followed immediately by Angel’s. They laughed until their stomachs’ hurt. Cordelia slid onto the floor trying to catch her breath. Angel didn’t need to breath so he made himself useful taking the pasta off the stove and putting it in a strainer.
“Oh, god, I can’t breath. That was just so funny,” Cordy panted.
“I know. When she said that, all I could think.I mean, the idea of Gunn and Fred,” Angel shook his head and inspected Cordy’s progress on the vegetables.
Cordy bit her lip and slowly stood up. Her sweet utterly clueless vampire. You had to love him. Oops, no shake that thought off Cordy Ever since the ballet, all the signs had been there-the idea of Gunn and Fred was one Angel was going to have to accept. Fred had been pretty tight lipped about what had happened at the ballet, but Cordy knew the signs of schmecking. She would have to remember to hit Fred up for details sometime soon. Girls were supposed to tell each other stuff like that.
Of course its not like I’ve told her anything about what me and Angel were up to in the dressing room. Oh, geez Cordy, don’t think about that now, not here, in the kitchen, the hot kitchen, with him standing right next to me. You know the rules-no thinking about my little epiphany when I am at work.
Maybe she should tell Angel, so he wouldn’t spaz in front of the rest of the group.
“Angel, the idea of Fred and Gunn together isn’t such a bad idea, you know.”
“Cordy, what are you talking about,” Angel said without looking up. “Fred she’s like a physicist and Gunn’s, I mean, he’s a street fighter from the hood.”
Cordy bit her lip to keep from laughing. Angel had said ‘hood.’ Was anything this man did not cute? Ahhh, stop! “So what, they come from different places. That’s the basis for, like, some of the best love stories ever. People can fall in love with people who are nothing like them. Is this cause he’s black,” Cordy asked, teasing.
Angel turned to her, horrified. “I’m not racist!” When he saw she was joking, he relaxed and leaned across her to stir the sauce. “Hello, I’m a bloodsucking vampire, it doesn’t leave a lot of room to be judgmental.”
Cordelia smiled and tried not to think of how little sparks of electricity had shot across her when Angel’s arm had brushed her. God, and he smelled so.mmmmm. Great, now I sound like one of those goddamn Furies.
“Anyway, my POINT is that I think Fred and Gunn might have some crushy feelings and I just wanted you to be aware of that. SO you don’t say anything stupid. Which you will anyway.”
“Hey,” Angel said, wounded.
“Kidding. Just kidding.” She had better change the subject. “So how did you know when to take the pasta off the burner?”
“Well, you need to wait until the noodle achieves a certain amount of malleability while still retaining a desired level of firmness.”
“You throw it at the wall,” Fred said as she walked back into the kitchen with Connor. “Throw a piece of pasta at the wall and if it sticks, it’s done.” She grabbed a bottle of juice for the baby and headed back to the television.
“Hmmm,” Cordy said as she reached to grab a noodle from the bowl. “Why do I like Fred’s explanation so much better than yours?” She chucked a noodle at the wall behind Angel. It hit right near the clock and stuck.
Then, five seconds later, it fell. Onto Angel’s hair. Angel immediately started shaking his head violently, trying to get it off. Cordy simply buried her face in her hands and exploded in laughter.
“Cordy. Cordelia. Stop laughing. It wasn’t that funny dammit,” Angel growled.