Of Demony Things & Crappy Lifetimes. 2



Cordelia winced holding the phone away from her ear as Angelus lay sprawled on the kitchen counter, the blinds on the windows were closed and in the florescent lights of her kitchen, the deathly still vampire looked very much like the walking corpse that he was.

She sighed and decided a different tactic with the screaming on the phone. She’d seen the state of the vampire and decided to call the cavalry earlier. He didn’t look like he’d make it through the night.

“Giles, it took me almost two excruciating hours to drag him here. Believe me, stupid I am not. He really can’t seem to bite me and he really is in bad shape.” She watched Angelus try and take off the tattered remains of his shirt.

“Besides, he’s three sheets to the wind with hunger and blood loss and keeps raving about this Initiative group.”


“Are you going to keep shouting, Librarian man, because believe me I WILL hang up on you.” She raised an eyebrow when Angelus let out a very undignified squeak.


And she hit disconnect on her cordless before staring at it nonchalantly. She counted to three softly in her head before the phone rang again. After four bells she picked up. “Chase residence, Cordelia Chase speaking.”

There was a throat being cleared on the other side. “What do you need?”

“You and some very large Band-Aids. Also something for him to eat, he hasn’t fed in a week, he says.” She grabbed the edge of Angelus’ shirt and pulled.

The beaten, already slashed silk tore easily and Angelus let out a hiss of pain. She admonished him with a roll of her eyes before chucking the remains of his shirt into the trash.

“And he’s not even TRIED to bite you.”

The brunette rolled her eyes as she walked around the prone body of the groaning vampire. “Hello! Fangless vampire here! Were you NOT listening before?”

Facing Angelus she met his pain laced eyes. “The pants will have to go too.”

“CORDELIA! He’s undressing!?!?!”

She let out another lamenting sigh. “Do you want me hang up again?”

“Lord! No. Don’t. I can’t get through to Buffy at the moment. Willow’s parents were in town; she’s with her.” Cordelia watching Angelus struggle with the leather pants and took pity on him.

Reaching out she deftly unbuckled his belt and nearly screamed when his hand caught her wrist. Shocked hazel eyes drifted up to his face and she frowned at him as he looked at her with gritted teeth and stormy obsidian eyes.

“What?” She mouthed while Giles talked.

A scarred eyebrow arched, his mouth twisting into a cocky half smile.

Her eyes widened as she jerked her hand out of his grasp, her cheeks flaming. Gives a whole new meaning to commando, this one; she concluded, her own eyes mapping the curves of his ass once before turning away.


Clearing her throat she stepped away from the deliriously smirking vampire and addressed Giles on the phone. “Yeah Giles. I’m here.”

“I’ll be there in an hour.”

“Good.” She hung up and turned to finally regard the bruised and battered dead man on her kitchen counter. “Okay. So what shall we do till then? How about a game of poker?”

He stared at her incredulously. “Sweetheart I suggest you fetch a pair of pliers and get these bullets out of me before I turn to dust on your nice clean kitchen floor.”

She let out a snort of breath. “That drunk I’m not.”


She’d gone from a penniless May Queen to vampire nurse in training.

“You’re pulling it!”

“Will you PLEASE just NOT talk?”

“You’re dislocating my solar plexus woman! Do you really expect me sit back quietly!”

“Do you KNOW how many bullets were in here?”

“ARGH! THAT was my liver you just poked!”

The brunette sat back on his thighs, her weight making him wince as she sat atop him while the vampire lay on her kitchen table. Her hands were soaked in his blood. She had agreed to get the bullets out of his body to give it a chance to heal.

Even though the sight of blood was making her squeamish, the heavy amount of liquor she’d been consuming since the call to Giles had steadied her nerves. It didn’t seem to work on the vampire though.

Pointing the blood soaked tweezers into his face, she glared. “Do you or do you NOT want me to do this for you?”

Angelus’ entire body was humming with pain. The insane need to feed was making him delirious and the alcohol in his veins wasn’t helping.

Besides this little girl was stubborn and uncharacteristically brutal when she was tipsy. At first he’d thought it would be a good idea to get her to relax before she tried her hand at helping him, seeing as the watcher wouldn’t be there sooner.

He couldn’t risk infection. The bullets had been there the entire day yesterday. Besides the lack of feeding wasn’t helping his healing.

“This is fucking unacceptable! Can you at least TRY not to rearrange my internal organs?”

“Do I look like your surgeon, Angelus?” She grabbed the blood stained bottle of whiskey she’d found in her father’s study and took a swig, nearly toppling off the kitchen counter. “Ooo, I’m a fairy princess.”

The vampire gritted his teeth before he grabbed the bottle away from her. “Think you’ve had enough Chase.”

Cordelia shook her head to clear the sudden haze before her eyes before she blinked at him. “The bullets are out. It’s not my fault your blood is abnormally thick. I couldn’t see anything.”

“Surprising considering where your hands landed…” He winced as he shifted on the flat marble top before draining the last few gulps of the whiskey.

“How was I supposed to know your spleen is supposed to be there? If I’d paid that much attention in Bio 101, I might have been Cordelia Chase Nerd Slayer instead!”

Angelus let his head fall back against the cold marble and sighed. “Fuck, just finish the bandaging.”

Cordelia huffed as she cleaned the excess blood from his wounds before taping him up with medical tape and securing his bandage.

“You’re just lucky we had a First Aid kit and you’re even luckier I knew were it was.” She watched his eyelids drop shut and frowned slightly.

“Are you dying?” There was a distinct growl in his chest, but it was too soft for her liking. “You can’t die you big lump of rotting brain! I didn’t half carry you here to let you turn to dust. Think of the cleaning bill and I’m broke!”

Grabbing the languid sway of his jaw she shook him. “Hey! Wake up Fangless! You’re not dying on me! You hear that! Wake up now or I’ll paint your toes pink!”

Angelus dragged on eye open between the bright lights exploding behind his closed lids and the screaming voices in his head. He watched bright hazel eyes watching him with something that looked like concern, her fingers securing the bandage over his forehead.

She glared down at him, a dull fear settling in her belly, the alcohol in her system dampening her defenses as she panicked at the prospect of him actually dying. She *so* didn’t want his death on her hands.

She knew she’d get the blame eventually. Cordelia realized she should have just left him there in the stupid alley instead! That way, she could have just gone on with her lack of life and left Sunnydale in the middle of the night like she originally planned.

“Listen to me Angelus, I’m covered in vampire goo! I ruined a perfectly nice Perry Ellis dress, if you make all that in vain I will come after you in hell, believe me, I’m that depressed to try!” The dilated pupils shifted and she realized at least he was partially coherent.

“I’m going to get you some painkillers, I don’t know if they will work, but hey; desperate times. Don’t go away.” His tongue slid out to wet his dry lips and she took that as a yes before sprinting out of the kitchen.

Her mother took the strongest pills in the world. If they could work on her migraines, they sure as hell would be able to hold of a vampire for a while until Giles came back. She was riffling through her mother’s drawers when the sound of barking startled her.

Then her eyes widened.

“Oh shit! SAMSON!” Screeching down the stairs, she hoped the dog had not made it into the kitchen. It would so not look good telling Giles her dog ate Angelus.

“Samson, don’t!”


Angelus was propped up on the floor leaning against the cabinet under the sink while Cordelia sat on the stool, her head cradled on blood soaked arms, and that was how Giles found them.

Freezing in the archway of the brightly lit, white tiled kitchen Giles almost reeled. He was too late. “Cordelia?”

“I am still an Armani privilege member!” The brunette’s head snapped up, one finger pointed up amidst her fashion nightmare and the shock of falling back to earth. She blinked disoriented before meeting his gaze with lassitude.


He silently thanked god he hadn’t eaten breakfast, the sight of the kitchen would have made him lose it. Rushing to her side, Giles watched the vampire sitting there a few feet away; his head leaned back against the cabinet, his eyes closed.

He swallowed thickly, trying to keep the bile down his throat. “What happened?”

“Angelus ate my dog.”

Moist hazel eyes looked up at Giles and the watcher took in the blood stained floor, the prone Doberman and the very still vampire before gathering Cordelia in his arms.

Why couldn’t things be slightly normal for a change? Every time Giles looked at these kids, he realized how young they were.

They deserved so much better. “Cordelia?”


“Where is your furniture?”

“Tip of the iceberg, Librarian man. There’s more.”

Part 3

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