Part 8. CORDELIA
“Vix!”
Damn Angel. Damn Angel and his inability to express himself. It’s not every day I wake up in a world where I don’t know if the socks I’m wearing are mine or even if the crick in my shoulder’s been there since I was a child or something that came recently.
It’s damned frustrating and I deserve an award for keeping it together and not losing it there and then in front of the dork vampire, but you know the really disgusting thing?
I’m pretending to be strong not because I need it to get through my day, but because something inside me can’t let him see me this way. And he can’t even take the time to hold me in his arms and tell me I belong to someone.
Right now, right here, without any clue as to where I came from or where I’m going I need the inarticulate one to find his damned tongue for a change. You know, the lost only need to be found.
I just wish Angel would find me already.
“Cordelia!” The blond vampire caught my wrist and spun me around to look him in the frigid depths of his soulful eyes. Yup. Icy soul and all.
He’d been running down the block after me and while I panted with each spiralling thought that veered out of my control, he just stood there with still chest and firm grip.
“Wot the bloody hell happened?”
Taking a deeper breath than I should have, because I was feeling lightheaded as it was. “You ever have the feeling you want to be found, but the one person who can find you isn’t even looking?”
The blue in Spike’s eyes dulled into a sinful indigo and I felt the twitch in his knuckles of the hand that still held my wrist. “All too clearly luv.”
I looked away after the speeding truck hurtling down the street. It looked like it was going to hit something if it didn’t slow down. A lot like me.
“It’s so frustrating because he’s either emotionally stunted to just plain heartless!”
“Do you really want me to answer that?”
I dragged my eyes back to his for another long lung filled sigh. “No. I suppose not.” Without bothering to think if my clothes were Armani or if the sidewalk was slightly dewy because of the cool night air, I plopped down on the curb and wrapped my arms around my knees.
“If I can’t remember loving him, Spike? Why do I?”
The leather bundle dropped right down next to me. “You called me Spike?” His mouth stretched into an insufferable smirk and I had to smack him hard across the knee to get rid of it.
“Awo! Wot makes you think you don’t remember loving him?”
“Because have you looked at him recently?”
“Tried not to luv.”
“I mean just the fact that it’s him. Between the whole tongue tied mumbles and the possessive snarling I witnessed today, I can’t understand what the hell he wants from me. And you know the really confusing thing? I actually asked him if we were in love and he gave me the same non-committal, non-expressive grunt that he does when he’s afraid to admit a part of him is still human.
I mean did I not work him out of his shell the years that I worked with him? I can’t imagine living with that yak while he acts all broody and mood swingy!”
“You forget luv, this is Angelpuss we’re talking about. He happens to be THE most simply complex bugger that walked with a soul.”
“There aren’t a lot of you.”
“There you go.”
The truth was I didn’t know what to expect from him. The whole lurking in the darkness was one thing, but actually living there? I must have come to terms with this vampire thing while I was with him.
I mean the whole demon issue doesn’t bother me, that much is proved today and I sure as hell am not intimidated by it so that must mean we had gotten to some point of understanding. I know it’s there, but why can’t I feel it?
Why does it always feel like he leads me to the right door but then forgets to give me the damned key?
“Wot exactly do you want the bloke to say Vix?”
I looked up at the obvious question and caught the curiosity in Spike’s eyes. They didn’t mock me at all. I thought for a second. What did I want him to say? I love you? I care about you? You matter to me? I’m glad you’re still here? I’m glad they didn’t take away your good taste in clothing?
“Sometimes it’s not about him saying something. Sometimes it’s just about this insane need to be held. And I’m trying really hard to be a big girl about this, but even big girls have something, either parents or even neurotic vampire boyfriends. I suddenly have nothing. My friends feel like my friends but I don’t know them anymore.
My life feels like my life but I don’t know IT anymore. And the damned icing on the cake is that everyone treats me like I’m made of glass. HELLO! If they hug me too hard or push me in a snow drift I won’t break! I might pummel them into the ground, but dammit it’s like they’re afraid to touch me and not only is it unsettling, but it’s starting to piss the hell out of me! Touch me dammit!”
Spike quirked an eyebrow. “You coming on to me Luv?”
I smacked him upside the head.
“AWO! Fuckin’ `ell, you hit pretty good for a girl.”
“Shut up you egotistical sexist pig!”
“Either way Vix, why do you keep waitin’ for the bloody fool to come to you?”
I blinked at him. “Are you deaf as well as psychotic? Hello! Did you not hear that I love the stupid old man!”
“Hey watch with the old bit luv, I’m about the same.”
“Down by a hundred. He told me.” I rolled my eyes and let them wander down the gravel of the sidewalk as it walked farther and farther away from me, just like my grasp on control.
“Crock! He’s lyin’ `E is! Never you mind though. The point is cheerleader…”
“Cordelia.”
He blinked, caught off guard. “Wot?”
“It’s Cordelia.” I swept my eyes back, narrowed and warning. “Not Vixen, or Vix or Luv or Cheerleader. It’s Cordelia. Say it with me now…COR…DE…LIA.”
He glared right back at me with the same narrowed, albeit blue eyes. “As opposed to wot? Sparky? Spooky?” He let out an undignified snort. “No wait! How about bleedin’ Spock? Spock! The ruddy thing was not even human!”
I arched an eyebrow and leaned closer to his face, my breath skirting smoothly across his mouth enough to make him notice. “As opposed to what? You?”
He threw up his hands and rolled his eyes in exasperation. “You’re bloody impossible Vix.” Slapping his hands on his knees he stood and towered over me in the same cocky self-assured way that I’d gotten used to from him.
“You know wot COR-DE-LIA?” This time the mocking slur of his blue eyes was apparent. “Maybe it’s about bloody time that you got off your cute little arse and look for a spot of pluck!”
The fire ignited again in my belly. What the hell was up with these vampires? Was it the official pick on Cordelia day today! First Angel with the whole throwing-me-over-his-shoulder bit and now Sparky with the plucking-arse comment! Who the hell did they think Cordelia Chase was? Jumping to my feet I stood there, my nose almost touching him, my fists braced at my hips. “You did not just call me chicken.”
His mouth lifted at the corner in a slight smirk. “By pluck I meant spine, but yeh; that was the general ide…OOF!!!” He spat out the stale air in his lungs as my fist met the underside of his abdomen.
“Bloody Fuck!” He reeled back and ducked the next punch I threw for his nose. “Watch the face!” With an excited grin he jumped sideways, grabbed my wrist and spun me into his arms, one wrist pinned to my lower back and the other caught between the weights of our bodies.
”LET GO OF ME YOU BLEACHED BLOND JERK!”
He leered down at me while I struggled in his grip. “That’s it Luv. That’s better. Never really took you for the bystander type anyway.”
I glared up into his knowing blue eyes. “Let me go.”
“Do you know why the bleedin fool won’t make a move on you Cordelia? Why he treats you like you’re the last champagne flute he’ll ever drink out of? Coz you are.” I stilled in his arms and his grip loosened.
“You know how the old saying goes luv,” I took a shuttered breath at his implication before he spoke it for me,
“can’t lose wot you don’t have.”
