22
Angel pulled the band-aid away from its sticky backing, holding it carefully between the tips of his forefinger and thumb. He turned, facing Cordelia as he kneeled in front of her on the couch. Leaning forward, he gently placed the strip over the cut on her cheekbone, pressing it into place.
His fingers trembled against her skin and Cordy caught his wrist, wrapping his hand up in her own.
“I’m sorry.” She whispered, her eyes wide and imploring.
“For what?” Angel stroked the back of his fingers down her unmarked cheek, sitting back on his heels.
Cordelia swallowed. “I was an asshole. I hurt you.”
“You didn’t.”
“I did.” She cupped his cheek. “But I didn’t mean to. I thought you knew – ”
“I’m sorry, I should have.” Angel interrupted her, dabbing moisturiser onto a flat cotton pad. He ignored the sharp flash of jealousy the memory of her dancing elicited, knowing he could have avoided it, all of it.
“A little part of me was mad at you.” Cordy confessed, her eyes closing when he smoothed the moisturiser over her cheek. “I knew it would make you jealous. I…it was stupid. I was angry and stupid.” She looked up guiltily, her eyes wider, glassier than before. “I’m sorry.”
Angel was silent for a moment, the residual anger in his body ebbing away and giving way to softer, warmer emotions. He breathed in though he didn’t need to, found his senses filled with Cordelia and realised there was no place he’d rather be.
“It doesn’t matter.” Angel said honestly. He palmed her face, kissing her eyelids shut when her eyes were disbelieving. “You’re the only thing that matters, Cordelia. The first time I saw you, the first time we met, I knew that nothing that had happened to me before, or that would happen after would mean as much.”
He paused, turning her hands over in his, following her lifeline with his fingertips. “The way I feel about you…it’s everything. There’s nothing you could ever do that would make me let go.”
Her eyes were shining, as though she was amazed by him and Angel cupped the back of her neck, bringing her forward and brushing his lips against hers. “So quit apologizing already. You’re here and you’re alright. That’s enough.”
—
Wesley waited for the standard beep after Cordelia voice. Then he straightened, speaking directly into the receiver.
“Yes Cordelia, it’s Wesley. As discussed, I’m going to need you and Angel to come into the office earlier than everyone else. Willow and I have made some rather exciting discoveries.” His voice changed suddenly, going from upbeat to weary. “But of course, as with most dealings, there are hazards involved that Angel – that you *both* need to be made aware of.”
Wes sighed. “I’ll explain in the morning. See you then.”
He hung up, his hand still on the phone as he placed it back into the cradle. How he wished, just for once, that action had no consequences.
—
“Thank you for coming, Angel.” Wesley shook Angel’s hand, gesturing him and Cordelia into a seat. “I understand you’re a busy man but I’m afraid this won’t be brief. There’s a lot of information we need to relay to you and – ”
“It’s fine.” Angel assured him, glancing at Willow who sat opposite him. “What did you find?”
Wesley’s knees clicked as he sat, earning him a grin from Cordy. “Well, as I’m sure you’re both aware, the only way to reclaim ownership of your soul is to break the contract that ties you to Wolfram & Hart. Unfortunately, there are several hurdles on the way to acquiring the contract, though we seem to have overcome most of them fairly well and without – ” his eyes darted to Cordelia, “much injury.”
She raised her eyebrows, ignoring the sharp stab of nausea in her gut. “But?”
“But even once we reach the contract, there are rituals that must be performed before it can be destroyed.” Wesley looked tired, tense. “Otherwise, Angel will burn with it.”
“What do you mean?”
“His soul is bound by the contract.” Wesley informed her. “If we were to destroy it, we would destroy him from the inside out.” He hurried on when Cordy’s face paled. “But we’ve done our research and there is a way to avoid it…which is where Willow comes in. However, it’s complicated. There are risks.”
Cordelia’s eyes narrowed, an uneasy feeling in her chest. “What kind of risks?”
Willow spoke up suddenly, breaking her silence. “We’d have to release his demon.”
Angel’s jaw dropped. “What?”
—
“Okay.” Cordelia said slowly. “Let me get this straight. In order to save Angel, you want to remove his soul and let the demon roam free to massacre the rest of us?”
Angel shot her a pained look and she patted his hand repentantly. “No offence.”
“Hardly.” Wesley said, looking annoyed. “Willow will perform a soul extraction spell that will relieve Angel’s body of the soul. We will, however, have a vessel prepared – something the soul can go into and be kept safely in until it can be restored to Angel.”
“But won’t the contract affect it anyway?” Cordelia asked. “And what about Angelus?”
“We’ll hold him in a devil’s trap or manually by chains – whatever precautions are necessary will be taken to ensure our safety and his. That’s really the least of our worries. As for the soul…” Wesley nodded at Willow.
“When the soul’s extracted, it’s just an entity.” Willow told them. “Because the contract is related to Angel’s soul, it cannot destroy his body or his soul when the two are apart, even if it is broken.”
“The separation of soul and body will protect Angel from any harm, while still liberating his soul from Wolfram and Hart’s contract. So until we restore it to him, the soul and Angelus are safe.” Wesley said. “That being said, we will have to endure Angelus for a certain period of time, on top of which, we will be, quite literally, in the seventh circle of hell. Who knows what we’ll have to face down there.”
“But you will be able to restore his soul, right?” Cordelia’s voice sounded small, even to her own ears and she wasn’t surprised when Angel slid his hand into hers.
It didn’t make her feel any better when Wesley and Willow exchanged a worried look.
“I saw that.” She sniped. “What?”
“Normally, yes. The magic involved is advanced but it’s nothing I can’t handle.” Willow paused. “But…”
“But?”
She took a deep breath, reaching for her bag. She pulled a file from it, sliding out a slim sheet of paper with words and symbols on it.
“When Buffy told me about the case, I got in touch with an old friend.” Willow lifted the sheet, placing it carefully down onto the table. “This is why I called Jenny Calendar. She’s a Romany gypsy.”
Angel’s hand tightened in Cordelia’s.
“This is a copy of your curse, Angel.” Willow told him. “The very one that gypsies cursed you with 250 years ago.” She slipped the sheet back into its protective covering, holding it carefully between her palms. “When she gave me this, she explained all of it – the curse, the clause – ”
“I’m surprised you still want to help.” Angel said lowly, his shoulders hunching.
“I don’t judge.” Willow smiled at him, turning her eyes to Cordelia. “When I heard about the two of you, I spoke to Jenny again…Cordy and I go way back so I started doing my own research into a cure or some sort of loophole.”
Cordelia’s heart was pounding in her chest, her eyes wide. “A cure for the curse? Is that even possible?”
Angel looked as hopeful as she felt – and as shocked too.
“As I said, the soul on its own is an entity, a form of energy…” Willow touched the file holding the curse with her fingertips, tracing the outline of it against the table. “The process or the spell of restoring it – that’s what can be altered.”
“When the soul is apart from you, the contract will have to be destroyed so that the clause binding you to Wolfram and Hart is removed. And then…”
Her voice slowed and Cordelia could hear her excitement in every word. “I’ve been working on this since I got here, with some help from Jenny. She’s never been one for conventions herself.” Willow smiled fondly. “And…well, I’m pretty damn sure I’ve got it. If I’m right, I’ll be able to restore the curse without the second clause of the evening. The happiness clause.”
Cordelia could barely believe her ears. She was embarrassed when her eyes teared up, her lips rubbing together in an effort to control them falling, scarcely able to believe what she was hearing. “Willow…I don’t know what to say. I – ”
“Don’t say anything yet.” Willow said, raising a hand. “Look, I’m pretty sure it’s legit. But there ARE risks.”
Angel’s lips quirked, the gratitude in his eyes quite breathtaking. “More risks?”
“Given the alteration of the curse…” Willow trailed off, glancing at Wesley, apparently unsure of how to continue.
“One clause is hard enough, but it is doable with Willow’s experience and expertise. Two clauses however…” Wesley sighed. “It may prove more difficult to restore the soul with two such immense alterations.”
“But…it’s not impossible?” Cordelia asked timidly. “I mean, you have one of the most powerful witches in the world right? It’s not – ”
“Cordelia, I wouldn’t have told you all this if I didn’t think there was a chance in hell it would work.” Willow laid her hand atop her friend’s, squeezing it. “But you have to know that, as with any magic, there is the possibility that it could go horribly wrong.”
“The question is, is that a risk the two of you are willing to take?” Wesley asked them, his eyes soft, unassuming. “Because, and there really is no easy way to put this…if it does go wrong and Willow is unable to restore Angel’s soul…”
He went silent, unable to say it.
“You’ll have to kill me.” Angel finished for him, his voice sturdy and resolute as Cordy had ever heard it.
Three pairs of eyes turned to him and she felt her heart shudder to a complete halt. She looked at Wesley for confirmation, terror lancing painfully inside her when she saw it in his eyes.
“No…” She whispered, “No, no, I can’t – ”
“Cordelia, I understand this is difficult for you.” Wesley reached for her when she stood and backed away, running a desperate hand through her hair. “And we don’t have to go through with the removal of the original clause if you’re afraid but – ”
“But once Angel gets out of Wolfram and Hart, there’s nothing stopping him from being completely and totally happy.” Willow explained, rising as well. “Nothing but the curse.”
Wesley nodded. “And considering the way the two of you are going, it WILL be a problem. If he gets too happy – ”
Cordelia shook her head stubbornly. “He was happy before. He was – ”
“Not blissfully happy.” Angel interrupted her. “We couldn’t be together…I’d lose my soul in a heartbeat, Cordy.” His face was pained, mouth pulled into a frown. “I love you so much. You make me unbelievably happy already and without Wolfram and Hart weighing me down – ”
Wesley looked embarrassed at the usually taciturn vampire’s bold declaration but it was Cordelia who cut him off, feeling as though she’d been punched in the gut. “So you want me to choose between killing you and knowing you’re alive but having to be as far away from you as possible?”
“There’s the third option.” Willow reminded her urgently, seemingly desperate to fix her devastating no-guarantee admission. “I *will* do my very best to help you and there is a chance that it could all work out. Angel could be free and you could both be happy.”
Angel squeezed her shoulder gratefully. “I’m sorry. I haven’t even thanked you. You can’t imagine how much I appreciate – ”
“I know.” Willow nodded, biting her lip as though suddenly close to tears herself. “I’m happy to be a part of this, Angel.” She glanced at Cordelia. “But I have to be honest. I can promise you both that I will try my hardest. I just can’t promise that it’ll work.”
“Look, we should give the both of you some space to talk this out.” Wesley stepped forward, gesturing Willow in front of him and reaching for his coat. “Take your time and think it through, it’s a big decision. One that IS ultimately Angel’s to make, Cordelia.”
The glare she cut him could have sliced him in half. Wesley continued, trying to remember he was the head of this operation.
“No doubt he’ll want your help in making the right choice. I trust you’ll give it to him.” When he reached the door, he turned, locking eyes with his charge. “One way or another, this is going to affect the rest of your lives together. You need to be prepared for that, whatever you decide.”
—
The door clicked shut behind Wesley and Willow, and Angel swallowed, tasting the thick, deadly silence in the room. Cordelia was looking everywhere but at him, her heart hammering so fast his ears could barely keep up with each thundering beat.
“Cordelia – ”
“I can’t lose you.” She said abruptly, her eyes filling with tears and tumbling over her cheeks. She didn’t resist when he strode over and pulled her into his arms, folding her in safely. “I just can’t, Angel. I won’t survive.”
Words so familiar, so much a part of what he loved about her. He wondered what he’d do if he could roam the streets of LA, a free man, no longer bound by evil or law – and yet be unable to see her, to touch her, to breathe her in…for fear that one single moment could rip his humanity from him without the blink of an eye.
He’d rather die than hurt her. He’d rather die than live without her. And just like that, his mind was made up.
“I want to go through with it.”
Angel cupped Cordelia’s face in his hands, brought his forehead to hers and breathed out unnecessarily. “I want to be with you. I want to hold your hand and make love with you and spend the rest of my life with you knowing perfect happiness without pain and fear following a close second.”
Cordy bit her lip, more tears falling and his heart twisted painfully, hating it.
“Cordelia, you have to know…surely you understand? I love you. I don’t think…no, I know. I could never live without you.”
“And you think I could live without you?!” She asked incredulously. “You could die, Angel! I’d have to kill you and then live without you anyway!”
“But there’s a chance it would work.” Angel said soothingly, rubbing his hands along her shoulders. She was shaking. “There’s a chance I could survive and the curse would be gone and we could be happy.” He squeezed her shoulders. “Really happy. Wouldn’t you rather know what might have been than spend each day knowing what is and hating it?”
When she didn’t respond, he tried a different approach. “If it were you…” Her eyes shot open, “Would you be able to live your entire life without me, knowing that I was right there and you couldn’t have me because you wouldn’t take the chance?”
Cordy didn’t have to answer for him to know – she couldn’t, just as he couldn’t. He was as much a part of her now as she was of him – she belonged to him completely, the same way he belonged to her. Getting over the other, living without the other would be hard, near impossible if that person were still alive.
There was a part of Angel that wished he could undo this…wished he could go back in time and never pursue her, never fall in love and never have to face this shared decision and that look on her face. But the part of him that loved her, the part that grew tight and brightened like a fiery ember in the black when she walked into a room…that part knew it couldn’t. He couldn’t.
He wouldn’t.
“No…” She answered reluctantly, gasping so that air filled her lungs. “No.”
“I need you to promise me something, Cordy.” Angel said gently, knowing he was approaching another hurdle, one that wouldn’t be well received. “I need you to promise that you *will* kill me if this doesn’t work.”
Cordelia’s eyes filled with raw hurt, so sharp it tore through him and left him agonized, desperate to quell it. She whimpered, turning her head away and shaking it viciously. “No, I can’t – ”
“You have to. I want it to be you.”
“I CAN’T!” She tore away from him, pressing a hand to her lips as though it was too much – as though it had all hit her as swiftly as an avalanche and buried her underneath. “You can’t ask me to do that, Angel! I can’t…I can’t…”
“Cordelia…” Angel brushed away the tears, holding her firmly, determined to make her see. “I hope with every fibre of my being that it doesn’t come to that. I hope it works and my heart tells me it just might if maybe I wish or hope it hard enough.”
He paused, hooking a finger under her chin and forcing her to look at him. “But if it doesn’t, I’d rather die than be a monster. I don’t ever want to hurt you or anyone else. Not again. I love you and I need you to be strong. You have to promise me this.” He seized her hand and dropped it over his heart, holding it there. “You have to.”
She closed her eyes, her heart a desperate, frantic pulse. For several seconds, she said nothing, and he was afraid she’d argue her way back to square one – forget their happiness and simply ensure his safety, forget their future together and simply ensure his existence be it with or without her.
Then, as magnificently as the sun peaking through clouds after a thunderstorm, her eyes opened, dryer now and filled simultaneously with strength, hope and resignation.
“I promise.”