Part 22: Face the Music
Buffy felt like she was waking up from a dream. Not a normal dream prophesizing apocalypses or about being naked in public, but a far more confusing, and yes, terrifying dream.
How did a simple fight with Cordelia get so far out of control? My god, I almost HIT her. What’s wrong with me?
She looked up to see Angel slowly coming downstairs with his demon friend Lorne. She couldn’t tell what he was thinking. But then, he had been pretty hard to read ever since she got to LA.
The group stood in an misshapen circle, staring at each other. No one spoke for minutes. No one knew what to say. Finally Xander’s tendency to yammer kicked in.
“So, uncomfortable silence, that’s always fun. Almost the theme for this weekend you could say.” Willow made a face and Xander shut up, looking down at his shoes. He decided he might just stay that way until they headed back home. They probably would have resumed the silence had Gunn and Fred not burst in right then.
“Why did Barbie just run out into a cab without saying anything to us? And anyone care to explain why she was crying?” Gunn asked threateningly. He turned to Xander, saying, “What did you do?”
Xander raised both hands to chest level as if to ward Gunn off and backed up a couple of steps. “Wait a second, Barbie?”
Fred sighed, before explaining, “Cordelia. He means Cordelia.”
“Yeah, I figured that,” Xander said. “But why Barbie?”
Buffy felt like she was losing her mind. Yeah right, I probably lost my mind a long time ago. This is just me hitting the bottom of the craziness barrel. Next I’ll be walking down the street talking to myself and calling squirrels my babies.
This was just too much. First that whole scene with Cordelia, then everyone finding out about her and Spike, and know, what were they doing, discussing Gunn’s pet names? This was insane and Buffy had totally lost control and Angel was shooting her looks that didn’t exactly look like they were filled with true love and THIS WAS ALL CORDELIA’S FAULT.
With her butting in tonight and her stupidly saving Buffy last night and with those looks she made Angel give her. Yes, it was clearly Cordelia’s fault. All of it.
“Cordelia as Barbie?” Buffy said, snorting. “Oh that’s just too perfect. They’re both plastic and empty-headed and are only popular because of their breast size.” Even as the words came out of her mouth, Buffy realized just how venomous and immature she sounded. It’s not even like I really think that. Maybe no one noticed.
“Buffy!?!” Willow chided. No one else said anything right away but Gunn took a step forward and Buffy swore she thought Angel growled. Xander gave her a look that looked a lot like pity.
“That’s just about enough Slayer,” she heard Spike say. Slayer? What happened to Buffy?
She felt dizzy, so she sat down on the round couch. Finally Xander moved to sit next to her, careful to distance himself a couple of inches. Like he didn’t want to have her accidentally touch him or something. Like she disgusted him.
“Buffy,” Xander said, “those things you said, the things you were saying, they were, I mean, how could—”
“You were mean,” Willow said, coming to stand in front of her friend. “You were unbelievably cruel, especially considering the circumstances.”
“You guys,” Buffy wearily tried to defend herself. “I wasn’t fighting alone. Did you hear what she was saying to me? About me?”
Willow sat down on her other side. “They were true, though, weren’t they,” she asked, not looking at Buffy. “You and Spike.”
Buffy swallowed and nodded. The truth was out now, might as well not bother with denying it. Will and Xander would just have to accept it. And Angel.
Oh my God, Angel! I can’t believe he had to find out this way. I never wanted to hurt him like this. She looked up at her one time lover with tears in her eyes. “I, Angel, the thing with Spike, it….”
She didn’t finish her sentence and Angel didn’t mind because he definitely had something of his own to say. He couldn’t believe how the girl he had once loved, the WOMAN a part of him would always love, was acting like this.
“I could really care less about you and Spike right now. How can you think, let alone SAY that stuff about Cordy.” Angel tried to calm down but he couldn’t get a handle on the anger, no the rage he was feeling. “When she, last night she was bleeding, bled because apparently, she was trying to SAVE you. Something by the way, you only decided to mention NOW.”
Angel’s words stung and Buffy felt herself freeze. Her eyes hardened. So much for loyalty. She channeled the hurt and the guilt into something she could better deal with. Anger.
“Oh please Angel,” Buffy said, standing and starting to pace around the room. “Yes, she got hurt and yes, she might have been trying to keep me from getting hurt at the time. But it’s not like she did it for me, it’s not from any abiding concern for me. She only did it for YOU.”
“What” came from the room at large.
Buffy walked over to Angel, putting her hand on her hip. “She said you couldn’t deal, you wouldn’t be okay if I died again. She only did it so you wouldn’t fall apart and head off to some wacky Tibetan monastery again.” The “star-crossed lovers” stared at each other in silence.
“Nevertheless luv, did you thank her?” Spike said from behind her. She whirled around to face him as he continued. “She kept you from getting hurt last night. Who knows, she may have even saved your life. And you know, she tried again to help you today.”
“I can’t believe you all fell for her little intervention act,” Buffy said grimly. “I don’t NEED Cordelia’s help. I don’t need ANY help.”
For the second time tonight, someone’s presence in the doorway surprised them. “You’re wrong you know. You need help,” Dawn said.
The sight of her sister had Buffy visibly sagging as she felt her anger deflating. All that was left in her was fear and a disturbing feeling that she had really screwed up. But she wasn’t entirely ready to admit that to the group just yet.
“Dawn, I….” Buffy didn’t know what to say.
“You need help and you have people lining up to give it to you and you just keep pushing them away. You know things haven’t been right, haven’t felt right for you, ever since you came back so why can’t you just SAY it.” Dawn walked over and grabbed both of her older sister’s hands. “You spend your life saving people, helping them.”
“Why can’t you let someone rescue you?” Spike said, putting a reassuring hand on Dawn’s back.
Buffy closed her eyes then opened them. “I don’t need you to save me,” she said firmly, staring at Spike. “I don’t need YOU. I don’t want to need you.” This time Buffy realized that she was crying and immediately after that she realized she didn’t care. “I just want it to be simple, like it used to be. When everyone was around and we were all happy.”
This time it was Xander who snorted. “Oh, that time when we were all normal and happy? SO was that the year that a fraternity tried to sacrifice you to the demon god they worshipped or was it the year that the spirit of dead Native Americans infected me with syphilis?”
“It was never simple Buf,” Willow agreed. “You know it wasn’t. It’s never been easy. You and Angel—well that’s never been the most pain-free relationship.” Willow smiled apologetically at Angel, who simply nodded his agreement. “And there have always been those pesky apocalypse prophecies. Ohh, and a big bad, always have one of those.”
“Then, why…now…how come I…” Buffy stammered.
Angel came up behind her and placed his hands on her shoulders. “Because you have more responsibilities. Life’s more complicated. And dying is a pretty big reminder that you’re not invincible. That’s all pretty hard to deal with. That’s why you have people who love you—they’re supposed to help you deal. You have to bend Buffy. You have to bend with change, or you’ll break.”
Buffy’s quiet tears turned into loud heart wrenching sobs and she turned, burying her face into Angel’s chest. His arms came up around her and the others took that as their cue to go upstairs. For once no one even bothered with the making of flimsy excuses. Spike shared a brutal look with his grand-sire and headed down to the basement.
Angel wasn’t sure how long Buffy cried for, but he did know that at one point he eased them onto the couch. He made sure to keep one arm around her.
“It’s okay,” he whispered in her ear. “Just let it out. I’ve got you.” The sobs were softer and quieter now.
Buffy sniffled and sat back a few inches. “You sound like you’ve done the comforting thing a lot lately. You’re pretty good at dealing with the crying,” she said, wiping her nose on her shirt sleeve.
“Well, between Cordy’s pre-demonization vision pain and Connor being a normal infant, I’m sort of an expert.”
A laugh slipped out of Buffy and she looked just as shocked as Angel. “Everybody’s right you know,” she said, smiling ruefully. “You, Dawn, and God strike me down, even Cordelia. You’re right. Right about everything. I’ve been scared and off and not willing to share any of that with anyone and I’ve hurt people and I came here for pretty much ALL the wrong reasons and I dumped all my craziness on you.”
“It’s okay,” Angel said. “You wanted a break.”
Buffy shook her head. “No you can say it. I was running away. Spike, he was the only one making me feel, and what I was feeling…well, I was…”
“You were scared.”
Buffy hesitated before nodding. God I hate admitting that. “Yes. I was scared of how I felt for him. The fact that I could feel that way about someone like him.”
“Hey,” Angel said, laying a hand on her upper arm. “I think you and I both know, better than pretty much everyone, that you can’t choose who you love.”
Buffy laughed. She couldn’t believe how much lighter she felt. “Oh I think Xander and Cordy know all about that one too.” She took a deep breath. “God, I can’t believe I dragged everyone here just because I was having crushy feelings for Spike.”
Angel looked solemnly into her eyes. “In the words of a very wise person, love makes you do the wacky.” They both burst out laughing.
“That seems like so long ago,” Buffy said when she had caught her breath.
“It was. You were so young…”
“And you had that whole dark mysterious thing going,” Buffy agreed. She gave him a sad smile. “What we had, it’s, I mean, it’s over, isn’t it?”
Angel turned her so they were looking directly at each other. “It will never be over. I’ll always be there for you.”
“But I won’t be your girl, will I?”
“No,” Angel said softly. “Because you’re not that girl anymore. You’ve gotten older and wiser. Which is a good thing. You’ve matured.”
“I’m not the only one.”
Angel grinned, almost embarrassed. “Yeah, I like to think after 250 years I’m finally growing as a person.”
Buffy suddenly stood up. She reached for his hand and pulled him off the couch as well.
“I’ll always love you too you know. And I’ll always be there for you. That’s why….” This wasn’t going to be fun. But it had to be done. “I took this,” she told him, pulling the picture she had stolen out of her pocket and handing it to him. “Yes, I’m little Miss Snoopy Pants. I’m sorry. I don’t know why I took it. I guess, something I saw in that picture, it scared me.” She watched as Angel traced a finger over the smiles on the paper. “Scared the hell out of me,” she murmured.
“Why?” Angel asked.
“It was a picture of something I didn’t want to believe existed. Look at how you’re looking at her and how she’s looking back at you. It’s a picture of a family, Angel.”
Angel sighed and put the picture down. “Buffy, Cordy and I, we’re not—”
“Save it,” the Slayer said. “I’m not foolish enough to believe you didn’t hear her today, when she said that she was in love with you. Oh wait, I believe her exact words were ‘totally head over heels in love.’ And I’m not blind enough to miss how you look at her. When she laughs. When she’s hurt. When she’s holding your son. You love her. You are in love with her.”
Angel didn’t bother saying she was wrong. “It’s not that simple.”
She laughed harshly. “Yes, actually, it is. Cordy was right—and oh sweet lord it is still hurting to say that. But she was right when she said that love doesn’t have to be tragic and painful. Sometimes it can be very simple.” She rose up and kissed her first love on the cheek. “Go to her.”
“What, what would I say?” Angel asked, apparently unaware how weird it was to be asking Buffy’s advice on this particular dilemma.
“That’s pretty simple too. You say ‘Cordelia, like it or not, this is how I feel. I want to be with you. In spite of all the obstacles, hell, BECAUSE of all the obstacles, I want to be with you’. That should do it.” It still hurt to say it. Even admitting her feelings for Spike wouldn’t change that. A small part of her would always mourn the loss of Angel…to Cordelia.
“You’ve become a very smart woman Buffy Summers,” Angel said. He brushed a finger down her cheek and walked toward the door. He opened it, but then he turned back around. “And you know, the thing about smart women Buf, is that they know when to take some of their own advice. Go find him.”
Buffy waved and Angel closed the door behind him. She stood there for a minute, debating. Then she headed for the door to the basement.