Chapter 32
Buffy dropped her fist mid swing.
Oh god. She ran to the door opening it, a silent mantra replaying over and over on her lips. Thank god, her eyes going straight to Cordelia on the couch. With a whoosh, Buffy slid to the floor, her gaze never leaving the brunette.
Slowly, Buffy’s eyes shifted to the others in the room. She just stared. They hadn’t noticed her return or maybe they never even knew she had left the room in a bitter huff. Whatever. Buffy was just grateful for the moment she could just look and try to think.
Wesley was saying something, but for the life of her, Buffy couldn’t hear a word. Her mind was too busy processing all that had happened.
How could everything have gone so horribly wrong? Buffy leaned her head back against the wall. She didn’t know and this time she wasn’t talking about her relationship with Angel. Buffy was just talking about her.
Her wish could’ve destroyed the world, not something for a slayer to ever even contemplate.
Buffy’s gaze went back to the couch, now resting on Angel. Sure, maybe love was blind, but it wasn’t supposed to be selfish. Buffy wished.hoped, she wasn’t about to give Anya a chance to pop back,.. that her reactions over the past two days were the result of the shock of Cordelia returning and having Angel’s love for the young woman smack up in Buffy’s face, not some permanent flaw in her character.
But, as hard as she tried Buffy couldn’t deny the selfishness she had exhibited every day before that, every day since Angel told her that Angelus was no longer a threat. That was the last time Buffy ever thought about Angel’s soul.
No more worries. They could be together, finally. Buffy hadn’t once considered Angel’s mission, his need for his soul to be redeemed.
Buffy had known why Angel was in LA, she had known about his mission to help the helpless, she had known that he wanted his soul to be redeemed and Buffy hadn’t cared. Not even when Cordelia came back and claimed that being in Sunnydale was preventing the vampire’s journey to that redemption.
Buffy hadn’t listened, all she heard was Cordelia saying that Angel had to leave her, but not the why. Buffy claimed to love Angel but was he really her priority? It sure as hell could be argued that his soul wasn’t.
Which considering that the fact that Angel had a soul was her justification for being able to love a vampire in the first place. that was saying what exactly about her? Angel’s soul was only important when it got Buffy what she wanted?
All Buffy had cared about was a long ago fairytale dream from high school. Buffy let out a long sigh, her chin falling on her chest. Cordelia did care, though. Still does, came back from heaven to make sure that Angel’s soul would eventually be redeemed.
Was it that? Was it because Cordelia cared so much that Angel gave her his heart so completely and if the damn soul could be given, Cordelia probably had that too.
What was the saying.if you love them set them free.. stupid idiotic saying. Buffy liked the expanded version better..set them free, then hunt them down and shoot them. Buffy slumped further into herself.
She couldn’t even be mad anymore at Cordelia. How can you blame someone for loving Angel too much? Cordelia made him smile probably had made the vampire laugh, too.
‘Set them free, uh’. Buffy got up; ignoring the glances shot her way. She stopped before Cordelia and Angel.
“Cordelia, can I talk to you?” Buffy didn’t really have any idea what she would say to the other woman, but she needed to do it.
Cordelia blinked looking up, her hand shooting to the vampire urging him still.
“Sure, why not.” Cordelia studied the tentative stance of the slayer. Cordelia gave Connor to Angel. Angel looked at his son then to Lorne. “Take Connor.”
Cordelia turned back. “Angel, stay, play with your son, listen to Wesley.”
“Cor”
“No.” Cordelia looked to the blonde slayer. “Outside? I think it’s still light enough.”
Buffy licked her lips her glance going back to the vampire and Cordelia. “Sure.”
“Cordelia.”
“Angel, sit down.”
Lorne nudged at Angel. “Angelcakes, I think it will be all right. The little slayer is still whirling but she’s also seems to have experience a dose of an extraordinary enema, of the calming nature, odd, painful and eww..but it worked.”
Angel just glared and went to the door that Buffy and Cordelia exited.
Chapter 33
“So?” Cordelia stood arms crossed, waiting for whatever Buffy had to say. She wondered if maybe she should’ve brought her sword.
But, staring at the other woman, it didn’t look like Cordelia had to worry about her death at least from Buffy, well at least right now.
“So.” Buffy fidgeted this was harder than she imagined. She sighed. “I’m sorry.”
Cordelia’s eyes widened. Not what she expected, that’s for sure. “Um, okay.” Now Cordelia started to fidget. Cordelia wasn’t exactly positive what Buffy was apologizing for.
Buffy gave a quirky smile at Cordy’s nervousness and surprise. “What? You thought I was going to beat your ass for stealing my boyfriend?”
Cordelia narrowed her eyes then gave her own quirky smile in return. “It was a thought, but don’t be so sure that I would’ve let you.”
Buffy raised her brows, but the smile was still there. “I really do love him, you know,” her tone turning almost defensive, the smile suddenly gone.
Cordelia cocked her head and waited to see if Buffy’s defensiveness would erupt in renewed anger.
“I do. ” Buffy reaffirmed.
Was Buffy asking her a question? Demanding a response from her. Cordelia sighed. “I know.”
“You don’t believe it is enough though do you? You think I’ve just been selfish, worrying more about losing Angel than the fate of the world or his soul, don’t you?”
Cordelia stared, stalling her first response, modifying it to avoid and all out battle of words and possibly fist and feet. “Honestly, Buffy, I’ve had other things to think about than your feelings on the subject. I’m sorry you’re hurt, but Angel’s soul is my priority, well, the world too. This isn’t about you.or me.”
Cordelia’s words smacked at Buffy more effectively than a fist. The slayer closed her eyes, taking a deep breath. “You’re right. It isn’t about me.”
“Are we done?” Cordelia still had no clue what Buffy was hoping to accomplish by this girl chat, but she hoped Buffy’s concession signaled a bit of peace ahead.
Buffy lifted her eyes to the brunette. ” I do love him and he loves me.”
Cordelia started to get annoyed. Were they going to have to dance this mulberry bush again? “Yes, Buffy, Angel loves you, you love him. But, that’s not the point. The point is..”
“Once the Drakkus have been taken care of Angel will leave me and go back to LA, to return to his mission….”
“Bingo. Give the slayer the cupwie doll. Now, are we done?”
“..to honor you.” Buffy finished.
Cordelia blinked. “No. Buffy, Angel will go to LA, because he needs to for his soul’s redemption. That’s what he wants that’s why he will go.”
Buffy gave a soft chuckle. “No. You’re the reason he’ll go. He loves you, really loves you. You’re wrong; this is about you. I couldn’t accept that and it seems you won’t, why not?”
“Why you can’t accept it?” Cordelia asked hopefully.
Buffy frowned rolling her eyes. “That one’s easy..jealousy and holding on to a thread of a dream that in reality ended years ago. The hard one is why can’t you accept that like Angel’s your priority, you’re his-even dead, you will be.”
“What happened in that room? When did you get so calm and nosy about other peoples’ issues, especially mine, not that I have any.”
“I’m not that self-centered..well, not always.” Buffy added at Cordelia’s raised brows. “When did you become Saint Cordy?”
“Saint.what? Are you insulting me? Because listen here.”
“Oh, the bitch is back.”
“The bitch never left, she just..”
“Got buried by sainthood.”
“What’s with this saint crap? I’m not a saint.”
“Right, saving the helpless, suffering visions, martyring your humanity for Angel’s mission, giving your life for Connor, saving the world.”
“Eww, you make it sound so.”
“Saint-like?”
“Listen bitch, you died saving the world- so don’t talk to me about any martyr complexes.”
Buffy couldn’t help but laugh. Cordelia stared at Buffy wondering when the slayer went insane. But as Buffy continued to laugh, Cordelia began to see the ludicrousness of the whole conversation. She started to laugh.
Cordelia rested against the wall, wiping the tears from her face, trying to catch her breath. “I’m SO not a saint, the clerk at Starbucks shook in fear at my pre-caffeine induced-tude.”
Buffy leaned next to Cordelia against the wall, gasping at her own loss of breath. “Oh, okay, I don’t know- how about Saint Bitch, would that be better?”
Cordelia eyed the blonde then grunted. “I did have a white flowing gown, you know. All very celestial and angelic” She looked down at her rumpled two-day-old comfy clothes. “I wouldn’t mind it right now..clean clothes would be nice. Of course, white not a good choice for saving the world. Demon goo and all.”
“Yeah.” Buffy looked at her dark attire. “That stuff can be hard to get out. I can’t even bother to dress up anymore.”
“I know.” Cordelia slid to the ground, her back still firmly against the wall. “It sucks. I used to have just great clothes.” She said wistfully.
“Yeah, you did.” Buffy slid down next to the other woman. “Now, you look like a homeless person. What would the Cordettes’ say?”
“If I told them to- they all would be wearing dirty baggy comfy sweats..I was THE FASHION LEADER and don’t you forget it.” Cordelia glared and grinned at the same time.
Cordelia cocked her head again towards Buffy. This was decidedly weird, but Buffy didn’t seem to be angry anymore and Cordy did have a question. “What was heaven like?”
The blonde glanced puzzled. “You were..you weren’t in heaven?”
“Limbo, glass, clouds, boring..” Cordelia trailed off. “This time around I get to go heaven.I just.will I know that my family is okay?”
Buffy couldn’t miss the tremble in Cordelia’s voice. Shit. Buffy had used the rationalization that Cordelia was dead, been in heaven and was going back to make her wish, to not look at the young woman as a person, more like a ghost, even when Lorne said Cordelia was alive, Buffy still held onto the belief that Cordy was going back to heaven.
But, now looking at Cordelia she didn’t see a ghost, but rather a young live woman who knew she was going to die, would have to die again and accepted it- and was scared. Buffy leaned back trying to think of any words that could comfort Cordelia.
“It was nice.really nice. Peace. Like when I was little, when my mom could make everything better by holding me. It was that warm feeling of being loved of being safe..happy.”
“Geez, if it’s my mom’s arms I feel then I’ll know I’m in hell.” Cordelia gave a choked chuckle.
Buffy closed her eyes, picturing the scene that had so angered her before. This time, though, Buffy could see the beauty of it. “How about Angel and Connor’s then?”
Cordelia leaned up, scrunching her face at the blonde. “Wow, what did happen in that room?”
Buffy shook her head. “Let’s just say careful for what you wish for..”
“..it may come true?”
“Yeah, something like that.” Buffy sighed.
“Buffy, I am sorry. I do wish.” She paused at Buffy’s look. “I do..I wish that Angel could stay with you and be happy.”
“Where did Cordelia Chase go- oh wait Saint Cordy’s back.”
“No.it’s just that you’re..alive.” Cordelia got up brushing her pants.
Buffy got up with her. “Cordy, just because you were told by the Powers that you were supposed to die again, doesn’t mean that you will..”
Cordelia gaped. “Powers, duh.”
“Powers, fate, whatever..come on Cordy, this is HellMouth. How many times have things NOT gone like they’re supposed too.”
Cordelia shook her head. “No, Buffy, I can’t even think that. I can’t have that..”
“Hope?”
Cordelia stood refusing to answer.
“Hope isn’t a bad thing, Cordy.”
“It is when it hurts and it’s a waste of time.”
Buffy shook her head at the other woman. Cordelia was resigned to dying. Cordelia Chase really had changed and it made Buffy sad. Talk about wasting a wish.
“Buffy,” Cordelia paused.
The blonde waited expectantly.
“You have to make sure that Crystal stays alive in what ever happens. Promise. Angel..I can’t ask him, he’ll just get growly.”
“Crystal?”
“She’s going to be Angel’s new seer. I’m supposed to transfer the visions before I die, so she CAN’T die. Angel’s..”
“Not going to care, if it comes down between the two of you.”
“Don’t finish my sentences, people will think we like each other.”
“No one will believe that.” Buffy smiled. “I..” Buffy started, stopped, and then took a deep breath, giving Cordelia the only hope she’d accept. “I’ll make sure.”
“Thank you.”
“You’re still a bitch.” Buffy said over her shoulder walking in the door. She started as Angel growled at her and her statement. “Eavesdrop, much?”
Angel glared. He had tried to- but missed all but the last part.
“Hey, open the damn door ” Cordy pounded on the wood, trying to push it open, but it was blocked by the angry vampire facing Buffy.
“It’s Angel, I think he’s going to kill me.” Buffy called through the door.
“Can’t it wait until after the apocalypse?” Pushing harder.
“I don’t know, he looks pretty mad or stunned maybe, whichever, he’s not moving. You want maybe I hit him or something?”
“Damn’t Angel, move your fat ass, I can’t get in.”
Angel was stunned. He looked at Buffy who only moments ago looked like she wanted to kill Cordelia, now she was just smirking at him, while she joked with Cordelia through the door.
The door that he was blocking.
Shit, obviously his eavesdropping skills needed some work. Something happened between the two women outside, something that took Buffy’s anger away. He jumped as Cordelia yelled again.
Damn, Angel wasn’t going to have time to figure it out, if he ever could. Cordy was starting to sound mad.
“I..Cor.”
Cordelia shoved, glaring as she pushed past the vampire. “Stupid vampire, I told you to stay on the couch with Connor.”
“Cor..I.”
“I.I.stammer much, dork.”
Angel trailed behind the brunette. “Cor, I just wanted..”
“I know what you wanted.” she shot over her shoulder. “Over protecting, jerk. Like Buffy was going to hurt me. Geez.”
“I.,”
“Talk about ego,” Buffy said from her position at the door. “What? Did you think I was going to challenge your girlfriend to a duel.”
Angel shot a confused look to Buffy back to Cordelia.
“Dork,” Cordelia explained to Buffy.
Buffy nodded.
Angel didn’t like this Cordy and Buffy were making fun of him. He reached out and grabbed at Cordy. “I don’t have a fat ass, do I?”
Buffy cracked up. She couldn’t help it. There was just something hilarious about the dark broodying vampire that was supposed to be the love her life turning into a stuttering idiot before her eyes.
Cordelia raised a brow at the serious expression on Angel’s face.
Angel looked around again. Everybody was staring at him, some with surprise and some with amusement. Screw ’em. “Cor?”
Cordelia sighed, grabbing at Angel’s hand, leading him back to their son. “Of course, you don’t,” she whispered into his ear.
“Hmmph.” Angel grunted, holding her hand tight, settling back beside her on the couch.
Willow went immediately up to Buffy after the amazing show seemed to be over for the moment. “Buffy, are you okay?”
Buffy nodded. “Did you ever think that you would see that,” pointing to the couple on the couch. “I can’t figure out which is more mind boggling, that Angel is whining about the size of his ass or that he’s whining to Cordelia Chase of all people. Things really can get bizzaro around here.” Buffy shook her head.
“Buffy?”
“What? Willow, like I would be in love with a dork, idiot, fat ass, vampire. No, Willow, the mystery and allure of the dark broodying vampire is gone. He’s just goofy.” Buffy smiled. “Cordy, can have him,” still smiling but a deep sadness filled her eyes. “God, I hope she’s wrong.”
“Buffy?”
“I don’t know how Angel could handle losing her again. Come on, there has got to be a way to save the world, save Cordy, and send them back to LA where they belong.”
Willow resisted Buffy’s pull, her eyes still questioning.
“No, really Willow, I’m fine, it hurts, but I’ll be okay, promise.” Buffy headed over to where Crystal was sitting, if she was going to be the demon’s personal body guard, she might as well get to know her, leaving Willow staring after her.
The red head’s expression changed from confusion to speculation.
“What just happened, I thought there would be a throw down out there,” Xander came up.
“I think Buffy just told Angel goodbye.”
“By talking to Cordelia?”
“Yeah.”
“Women, weird.”
