Chapter 23
Willow stood at the doorway of Connor’s room. “Buffy, are you okay?”
The pretty blonde turned clear-eyed from the empty crib and rumpled bed. “I have to apologize to him. I shouldn’t have acted like that not in front of the baby. Angel’s mad.”
“Buffy,” Willow took a deep breath. “That’s not why he left.”
“Of course it is.”
“Buffy, Angel…”
“Willow, you’re going to say he left because he loves Cordelia.”
“Buffy, you can’t deny how he’s reacted since she’s come back. You can’t deny what you saw,” pointing to the bed. “I’m sorry, but Angel loves Cordelia.”
Buffy nodded. “That’s what he says but he also said he loves me. Of course, he chose Cordelia; she died to save Connor and just came back from the dead. He’s all mixed up- feeling gratitude, shock, and guilt over her death and reappearance- of course, he thinks it’s love. And he also probably feels guilty that he was with me. You know, it’s not a fair fight. How do you fight someone that has come back from the dead? Everyone is on their side. But, if Cordelia hadn’t died….“
“Buffy, if she hadn’t died then it’s very doubtful that Angel would’ve left Los Angeles.“
“He would’ve. His soul wasn’t bound until then. Angel couldn’t have come. The timing is the problem…If she had been alive when he did it-he wouldn’t have all these mixed up feelings.”
“Buffy, don‘t do this…”
“No, Willow, I’m right. Anyway, it’s all moot, Cordelia is dead…”
“Buffy.” Willow exclaimed.
“What? It‘s not like I‘m wishing she were dead or anything. She‘s already dead and going back to heaven. It’s a cool place; she’ll like it there. Angel will need me then. I just have to apologize, let him know that I still love him and wait.” Buffy pushed past her friend.
“Come on, maybe they found something out. The quicker this stupid apocalypse is over, the quicker I can have my life back.”
Willow glanced over to Dawn who had come out of her bedroom.
Dawn watched her sister go down the stairs. “You don’t think that Angel will come back to Buffy when this is all over.”
“I don’t think banking on Cordy’s being dead is a good thing for Buffy to base her happiness on. And what we’ve been seeing is a lot more than gratitude and guilt.” Willow shook her head. “Let’s go.”
***
Angel’s first thought as he awakened was one of annoyance at the body draped over him.
Buffy knew he didn’t like closeness after sex, he may have never actually told her that or the reason, but she knew he would rather leave the bed than endure it- his annoyance was followed quickly by guilt. He couldn’t do this much longer- taking Buffy’s love and using it for comfort. It wasn’t working now, if it ever had and it wasn’t fair to her.
If Angel wasn’t lying to her in words, he was in thoughts and dreams. The guilt was real, but so was the annoyance and it was stronger, Buffy was interrupting his dream.
But before Angel could move the warmth off him, a third thought followed just as quickly as the other two- that thought was one of surprise that Angel’s body was responding quite actively and happily to the invasion of his space and dreams. His rock hard penis was straining to find an entrance to the warmth as his hands moved slowly along silky flesh.
Angel’s fourth thought which occurred exactly 2 seconds after the first was that he was an idiot as the warm blanket shifted and feathery touches glided on his shaft. His cock jumped into the finger’s touch, it’s brain obviously more alert than his big brain upon waking. Angel breathed in the scent that wasn’t a dream. His mind immediately joined his body in its desire, thoughts of Buffy and guilt completely gone.
“Cordelia Chase, are you trying to take advantage of me?” Angel’s eyes slowly opened into the face that comprised his dreams.
Two very beautiful hazel eyes greeted him. “I have no idea what you are talking about, Angel,” her face the picture of pure wide-eyed innocence as her hand took wicked strokes along the base of his shaft.
“Oh, I think you do,” chuckling, Angel’s finger’s slowing tracing down her skin, marveling at the tingling silk, his broad hand skimmed to her center gratified to find it already hot and moist. “I think you weren’t even going to wait for me.”
“You’re a slow poke, now this little guy does exactly what I want when I want it. Who needs you?” she grinned, her fingers becoming firm as she shifted her hips to embrace the tip of the said little guy.
“Little?” Angel raised his brows as he pushed her hips down fully encasing him.
Cordelia gasped her teeth clenching on her bottom lip. “That may have been a bad choice of word, yes, very bad,” moaning as her hips started to move.
“Slow poke, uh?” He grinned.
“Didn’t like that either?” Her grin wide as her eyes stared through heavy lids.
“You’re just full of wrong vocabulary choices this morning, young lady.” He sat up withdrawing, hiding his cringe at the loss and the angry twitching of his cock.
“Angel.” Cordelia whined.
“So, the ‘little’ guy will do whatever you want when you want?” Angel’s brows raised the smirk was firmly in place. Ignoring the fact that if the ‘little’ guy could it would ram a stake in Angel’s chest, leaving the ‘little’ guy to dance merrily through the ashes straight back to Cordelia.
Cordelia leaned up her face a study of contemplation. “Are you daring to challenge my powers of seduction?”
Angel’s face remained passive as he stared at the beautiful body kneeling before him, loving every twinkle in the hazel eyes, the elegant brows raised in disdain and the determination forming on the pouty lips.
Cordelia was so real and beautiful, so full of life. It had to be forever. Angel pushed down his fear, not wanting to feel it. He couldn’t.
God, Angel was an idiot. What was he doing all the way over there? His cock screamed the same question as it strained trying to leave Angel’s body to go back where it belonged. Who the fuck was he kidding? Angel lunged taking Cordelia’s body down driving his ‘little’ guy back home.
Cordelia laughed. “Without lifting a finger, I am so IT.” She giggled.
“Shut up and kiss me,” Angel growled.
Cordelia shook her head as Angel moved to seize her lips. “Say it. Come on. Admit it.”
Angel paused, the laughter gone from his eyes- only love showed. “You are so IT, Cordelia Chase,” he said huskily catching her lips.
Chapter 24
Cordelia couldn’t breathe. Okay, that may be an exaggeration, but not by much.
She tried to lift up her body, but it was impossible. Cordelia’s upper body was trapped by an unmovable weight. She jerked her head, her eyes settling on the dark head firmly perched under her chin. Her brows rose at the slight slurping sound and the moist pockets left on her skin.
Geez. The big badass vampire was worse than his son, dead to the world and sucking on her like she was a giant pacifier.
Cordelia tried to stretch, but the only part of her body that didn’t seem to be held down by Angel was her big toe and that wasn’t the part that needed to be stretched. She tried to wiggle her hands free, but failed miserably as her actions merely caused the vampire to tighten the steel band across her chest and the one across her legs, tucking her even closer into his body, her hips locked to his.
Damn, Cordelia’s nose itched and she had to go to the bathroom. Oh and the breathing thing would be nice, too. Cordelia tried again nudging her hips and pushing at Angel’s arms. Okay, that didn’t work either.
Swear to god, the vampire was trying to fold her up and scrunch her into a human body pillow. She bucked against him again. Damn, the only thing she awakened was the ‘little’ guy and the innocent sucking was becoming kisses and licks.
“Angel, stop. WAKE UP.” Cordelia pushed.
“What? What’s wrong?” The vampire jumped, trying to sense any danger.
Cordelia coughed, sitting up. “Nothing, except you were trying to smother me. Human-demon mix that needs to breathe, that’s me.
Angel blinked. “That’s it?”
“Yeah” Cordelia shook her head. “And…”
“Oh, Okay.” Angel got back in bed grabbing her this time pulling her up over his body, wiggling his back into the mattress and adjusting Cordelia’s arms and legs over him, nuzzling back into her neck.
“Angel.” Cordelia gritted her teeth. Talk about cuddly care bear with fangs. She didn’t get it. He never was like this when Connor was in bed with them. Good thing too, the baby would’ve been smooshed.
Sure, sometimes he would get close, their bodies touching and everything. But, Geez, the vampire was trying to crawl into her skin, not allowing for an inch between them. Which, Cordelia had to admit, she had enjoyed up until now. Her bladder was about to burst.
Angel opened a closed eye. “You can breath.”
“I’m not your blanket, let me up.”
“No.” Angel circled his arms around her waist. “Sleep.”
Oh no, he didn’t. The damn vampire was back asleep or at least part of him was. Damn Mr. happy was doing the happy dance on her stomach.
“Angel, let me up,” whacking the vampire’s head.
“Why?” whining.
“Angel, my nose itches, my arm’s asleep waiting for the pins and needles to show up and I have to go to the BATHROOM. Let me up, Geez.”
“Oh.” Angel reluctantly released his hold.
“Geez, you need a teddy bear.”
Angel followed the young woman to the bathroom opening the door and going in.
“Angel.” Cordelia looked up. “Does the concept of ‘personal bubble’ no longer have any meaning for you? Get out.” She got up flushing the toilet, grumbling at her reflection in the mirror. “I’d kill for a toothbrush.” She turned. “Angel, you haven’t left.”
“Cordy, you don’t like cuddling with me?”
Cordelia blinked. The vampire actually said ‘cuddling’. Cordelia blinked again, Angel looked like she had just kicked his puppy or stolen the last piece of chocolate cake, if the vampire had a puppy or liked chocolate cake, that is.
Cordelia sighed. “Angel, I love ‘cuddling’ with you, I don’t even mind being squished and molded into your favorite pillow or blanket, hell, I don’t even mind being your pacifier, BUT I had to go to the bathroom. Bathroom, Angel, something that should be done alone…without an audience.”
“Pacifier?”
“Pacifier.” Cordelia repeated pointing to the hickie on her neck.
A slight smile formed on Angel’s face, his fingers brushing the mark. “You taste good.”
Cordelia let out a long drawn out sigh. “You are such a big baby, you know that. She turned back towards the shower.
“What are you doing?”
“Shower”,
“Why?”
“Cleanliness close to godliness, duh.”
“But, why?”
“Because…,” The word drawn out and said slowly. Damn, Cordelia never knew the vampire to be this dense. “That’s what people do when they get up, they go bathroom, take a shower, brush their teeth and put on clean clothes – if they’re lucky enough to have either,” she added grumbling,
“then, they start their day. Angel, we’re starting our day- you know getting up so we can go help our friends fight the powers of evil and darkness, save the world.”
“Not a day person. Can’t go anywhere.”
“We’ll take the ugly bedspread.”
“We can’t do that, Cordy, that’s stealing AND destruction of property.”
Cordelia blinked. The vampire actually said that ludicrous statement with a straight face. She’d have bought that he was serious too except that the ‘little’ guy was ‘raising the roof’. Cordelia’s eyes traveled back up to Angel’s eyes.
The brown eyes were no longer glazed with sleep or hurt feelings; they were just burning with a deep very dark want. Okay, Angel was serious.
“Hmmph. Oh, all right,” she grabbed Angel’s hand leading him back to bed.
The smile on her face completely ruined the effect of her exasperated tone.
Chapter 25
Buffy’s eyes went immediately to the sleeping baby on the couch snuggled in Fred’s lap. She hadn’t seen Angel’s car outside, but if Connor was here then the vampire must be.
She glanced around the main room of the Magic Shoppe but she didn’t see Angel, her brow wrinkled, she didn’t see Cordelia either.
“Where’s…”
“Shh.” Fred glared up from the couch towards the pretty blonde. “He’s finally asleep. Poor baby has been cranky all night.” Fred’s tone and expression gave no room for doubt on who Fred blamed for Connor’s restless night.
“Buffy, come on. Maybe Wesley has found out something.” Willow nudged the irritated slayer away from the even more irritated woman on the couch.
With one another look towards the baby, Buffy followed. “I didn’t kick Connor and Angel out.”
“But you did kick Cordelia out, Buffy and well the result was…” Willow shrugged.
“That’s because she’s dead. He’s just…”
“No, she’s not.” Fred glared, interrupting hearing Buffy’s statements. Fred hadn’t been going to say anything else, even though, she really wanted to know what kind of person kicks a small child out of their house in the middle of the night.
And like Angel would have stayed without Cordelia. Buffy was high if she thought that would’ve happened. But, Fred still didn’t say anything because Willow had pointed out the idiocy of Buffy’s claim.
But that last statement, Fred just couldn’t let it stand. It was SO wrong. Fred leaned over settling Connor on the cushions and headed purposely over to the two women.
“Cordy’s not dead. Lorne read her soul. She’s alive. Angel’s going to fix whatever’s wrong with her. That’s where they are fixing it- together.” Fred’s arms were across her chest, her eyes daring Buffy to argue with her.
“Kitten,” Lorne walked up. “Go do the computer whiz stuff, I’ll watch the little one.”
“Tell her, Lorne, tell her.”
“I will,” pushing Fred towards Wesley.
“Hmmph.” Fred glared once more at Buffy and went to her laptop.
“Lorne?” Buffy turned to the demon.
“The Princess is alive. Her soul is definitely earthbound.”
“But, she kept saying…”
Lorne looked sympathetically at the blonde. “Why she lied, I can’t say, but Angelcakes will find out. Honey, I told you he loved her. It’s the real thing.” Lorne sighed at the angry look Buffy flashed him.
The young woman was going to have to learn the hard way. Lorne picked up Connor and started humming.
***
Cordelia leaned up, smiling as Angel tightened the hold on her waist. Angel seemed to finally realize even in his sleep that being a blanket was better for her breathing than a pillow, but he still wouldn’t let her move away from him.
She traced a finger along his face. He was so beautiful. God, she wished this was real. She damn while better be able to keep her memories in heaven. “Angel,” whispering.
“Bathroom, again?” whining.
“No, dork. Time to get up.”
“No.”
“Yes.”
“No.” Angel growled, hugging her tighter.
“Angel, just like we can’t run, we can’t hide here. We have to go.”
Cordelia’s heart broke at the sudden vulnerability revealed in the vampire’s dark eyes as he stared at her. Why did she think that the last smiling hours would last?
Somehow, she had to make sure that Angel would be happy that he would continue on the mission that his soul would be redeemed. Otherwise, what had been the point of her life? Cordelia knew objectively that it wasn’t exactly healthy to intertwine yourself with other person so much that you lose track of where you begin and the other ends.
Cordelia smiled more to herself than to the vampire. It was a little late for her to worry about that one. Angel’s life had been her’s since…Cordelia couldn’t even remember, it just was. Oh well. Angel had been her priority in life, now he would be in death. She would figure it out.
“Angel.”
The vulnerability had disappeared, now all Cordelia saw was anger. She watched sadly as the vampire left her, slamming the bathroom door.
There had to be away to get Angel to realize that he would be okay. Make him see he didn’t really need her anymore. Angel had his own humanity now. He had grown so much in the last few years. Angel didn’t need hers. He just had to believe that and let his family help him. He had moved on. Angel just forgot.
Cordelia scrunched up her face. Angel had moved on. Cordelia leaned back on the bed trying to remember exactly what Skip had said about Buffy and Angel.
Chapter 26
Angel stood in the shower watching the spray of water spatter against the porcelain, not allowing any of the cleansing water to touch him.
He couldn’t do it. What had Cordelia said, ‘cleanliness was close to godliness’? Well, he was a vampire not anywhere near godliness. And he didn’t want to be clean. Angel wanted to keep the scent and feel of Cordelia, her lips, her sweat, her every moisture on his body.
He couldn’t take the chance that once they washed down the drain, he would ever get them back. Angel jerked at the nozzles getting out of the shower.
Angel stared at the closed door. He couldn’t go out there. Cordelia would be there, her beautiful eyes pleading with him to accept her fate. Her lips forming words of comfort, assurances that he would some how manage without her. Angel growled.
The burning of his borrowed blood couldn’t be contained.
Cordelia thought she figured it out. Her nod to herself turned into a wild jerk. She ran from the bed going towards the sound of smashed glass and destruction.
“Angel.” She took the bloodied hand in hers immediately, grabbing for a thin motel towel.
Angel jerked his fist away and strode past her.
Cordelia glanced at the shattered mirror and broken sink. Porcelain, glass and blood littered the floor.
Had it been only a couple hours that Angel had stood before her in this room with the most pathetic manipulative puppy dog expression. Had it been that long since he smiled or laughed. Cordelia at that moment damned herself.
She should’ve never gone to see Connor, never let it get this far. How selfish could she be? Cordelia wasn’t making Angel happy and she wouldn’t be making Connor happy by making believe that she could be his mother. Cordelia glanced back at the signs of the vampire’s rage, she had done this but she would fix it.
Angel was jerking on his pants, the white towel around his fist was now soaked in red.
“I’m sorry.”
Angel ignored her.
“Angel, please. Listen to me. I can fix this. I can. I mean I figured it out.”
That stopped Angel. Was it possible? Could there be hope?
She nodded at Angel’s look. “Really, Angel.”
“How?”
“Angel, I know you love me but well…with the whole dying and coming back thing….you’ve lost perspective.”
“Don’t,” Angel slowly growled. The flash of hope smashed as easily as the mirror. There was no hope. Cordelia was going to try to convince him that everything was going to be okay.
“Angel, listen to me. You’ll be okay.”
Angel stilled completely motionless. “Cordelia, I mean it- don’t.”
Cordelia was oblivious to the signs, so concentrated on her revelation. She nodded quickly. “Angel, you will be, you just need to remember the place you were before I came back. You had moved on…back to Buffy. You got your soul permanent and you came here..to Sunnydale to be with her. I know I said that the Powers don’t want you two to be together, but you know thinking about it they didn’t actually say you couldn’t be together, just that your place was in LA and hers- here. But, Angel, LA and Sunnydale aren’t that far apart.
Sure, long distance romances are a pain, but hey, you two love each other. The only reason it couldn’t work before was because of Angelus. Hard to maintain long distance love when there is no lovin’ but that obstacle is gone now. And, who knows, the quicker you get back to the mission, the quicker your soul can be redeemed and then there shouldn’t be any geographically barriers.” Cordleia smiled finally stopping to take a deep breath.
Angel seriously considered killing Cordelia to stop her from even attempting to say anything else. As it was he had to beat down the urge to destroy everything in the room. Angel knew he couldn’t speak without yelling and shaking the woman until any margin of sense came out of her mouth.
Hell, maybe he would just gag her. Angel just watched as the love of his entire being pushed him to the edge of his rage.
“So, you see, it will be okay. This,” she waved towards the bed and motioned to Angel then her, “didn’t happen. I mean it did, but it shouldn’t have….I’m sorry…I was being selfish, but…you can just tell Buffy that we talked about best friend stuff, you know, stuff. Um, she’ll believe…well, she’ll want to anyway.
And then just tell her that you love her and when the apocalypse is over you have to go back to LA, but that you two can still see each other. See, that way, you’ll…you can be happy, maybe not as happy as you were living her, but still happy. I know you’ll be sad and broody when I die again, but with Buffy you can move on. You did it before. You love her.”
Angel’s growl vibrated through out the room. Cordelia finally noticed the absolute stillness of the vampire, the fists clenched at his sides ready to strike at any given provocation. She scrunched up her face at Angel’s battle to maintain his human face.
“Why are you getting grry?”
Angel stared at Cordelia forcing his demon down, he still wanted to shake her and gag her, but at least the swift thought of killing was gone.
“How fuckin’ blind can you be?”
“Angel.”
“No, Cordelia, tell me. You lived in the river of denial for how many months? Months of me following you around, stuttering, staring and manipulating you to stay in MY bed – using my own son to get you there, not to mention the years prior where I threatened and killed anything or anybody that hurt you. What? Your knowledge of my love comes when you’re dead. And you still don’t understand it. This,” Angel waved his hand around mimicking Cordelia’s earlier actions.
“Did happen, this has been my fuckin dream every night for over two years, alive or dead, I dreamed of you. And you still don’t get it.”
Cordelia refused to cry. She had to get Angel to accept it, to admit it. “Then stop dreaming, there’s no point to it. I’m going to die. I’m gone. Buffy’s here. And Angel, you can’t deny that you went straight to her when your soul became bound. You left,”
Cordelia tried to suppress all the bitterness and jealousy that had been shoved down deep when she found out that Buffy and Angel were together, but her emotions were too raw, Angel’s denial and anger were bringing it all up to the surface.
Fuck it. She wasn’t a saint, ” YOU LEFT your mission, your home, your friends to move into HER fuckin’ house. Hell, you love me? Well, you love her, too, always have. And she’s not going to die, or at least not any time soon that we know of, hell, even if she’d does she’ll come back, she always does with no strings. Come on, Angel, admit it, you ran to Buffy, moving on as soon as you got the all clear on the soul thing, loving me or not. ” Cordelia shook her head turning away from the vampire.
“I have to admit, I’m a little surprised that you even noticed I came back what with being able to ‘cuddle’ with the blonde love of your life.”
“You’re so stupid.” Angel said softly.
“What?” Cordelia swung around, her eyes flashing.
“My soul’s not bound, Cordy.” Angel said in the same soft tone.
“Yes, it is.” Cordelia narrowed her eyes. “It is. Skip said so, he said that you and Buffy were together, but Angelus wasn’t a problem, that’s what he said.”
“And he was right, but not because my soul was bound.”
“Yeah,” Cordelia scoffed drawing out her exclamation. “Joy, Buffy sex, I was there, who doesn’t know the story of the star crossed lovers and the big bad.”
“Cordy, the curse wasn’t- have sex with Buffy, orgasm, then lose soul. It was forgetting what I was in the love of another, experiencing joy and contentment during the act of that love. It happened with Buffy, because I did love her, she was the first person that I loved, I wanted to get lost in her and I did.”
“I don’t get your point. Nothing’s changed since that homicidal soap opera, except that your soul is bound. Yoowhoo, no danger. You still love her. Why else would you risk being with Buffy? You wouldn’t risk Connor, if Angelus came popping out. No, your soul is permanent.”
“I didn’t risk anything. I came here six months after you died. I couldn’t stay in LA any longer. Connor needed a home and I couldn’t stand to be in the hotel anymore. Everywhere I turned I smelled you, saw you, heard you. I was hurting Connor, I was shutting him in the darkness with me. He needed a home and I couldn’t give him one in LA, my home had disappeared under a pile of dirt in a graveyard. Buffy offered, I accepted for Connor.
A month later, I slept with her. I did love her and I thought if I felt her warmth it would stop the dreams. But, it didn’t, the dreams kept coming, soon I resented Buffy, the moments of warmth were interfering with the dreams. I’d thought I wanted them to go away but I didn’t, they were all I had left. I used her, Cordy. I used a woman that I had loved with all my heart just to get rid of a dream that I never really had in the first place and then I resented her for it. Angelus wasn’t an issue because it was only that dream that could give me love, joy and contentment.
Just like now, my dream is right in front of me and you won’t give it to me. I see it, taste it, feel it, I’ve clung on to it all night wanting to believe and have joy but you won’t let me. You broke your promise. Tell me how in the fuck Angelus will ever be a risk. Tell me.” All the rage in Angel was gone.
The vampire slumped against the dresser sliding to the floor, his head in his hands. “Tell me, Cordy, tell me, how it’s going to be okay.”
Cordelia stood, tears falling freely, her fist clenched to her side. She didn’t know what to do. In the alternate life that the Powers had offered before her demonization, she had seen a broken vampire and she had known want to do. She had kissed him and took back the visions. But, now Cordelia couldn’t take back their life together, she couldn’t make their love go away.
It was too late. She had been selfish and this is what happened. She had been unselfish and this is what happened. Finally, Cordelia understood. It didn’t matter what she did. Angel loved her, too damn much. God, Cordelia wished she could live to bask in it. Cordelia smiled, if nothing mattered, then it didn’t matter what she did next.
Cordelia knelt down by the vampire. “Angel, I’ll stop telling you everything will be okay, if you promise me that you will fight for your redemption and that for as long as we have you will love me as gentle, as hard, as much as we can for as long we can. Please, we’ll just take advantage of whatever piece of our dream we can have. And in that dream, you will smile and laugh, please.”
Angel slowly lifted his eyes, slumping his shoulders again. “I won’t give it up.”
“And you’re ‘grry’ stubborn enough to find a way.” Cordelia laughed softly. She wasn’t going to try to convince him anymore. She would just have to have faith that when the time came, Angel would do what she asked.
Once back in LA fighting for the Powers, their family would help him. He would be okay. Cordelia just wouldn’t press it anymore. It was wasting their time together.
The sadness was still apparent in Angel’s eyes, but his lips did quirk a bit upwards.
“Come on,” Cordelia got up. “Shower time. We do have to go.”
“Cordy.”
“Angel, I may have almost drowned in the river of denial but that doesn’t mean that I didn’t have fantasies. There was one in particular in the shower…oh, come on, I’ll just show you.”
“Fantasies of me?”
“No, dork, Lorne.”
“What?”
“You are such a beautiful dense dork.” Cordelia dragged him into the bathroom.
