Dreaming of You. 4

Part 4

With a great degree of sadness, Wesley Wyndham Price, former member of the Watcher’s Council, UK, realised that his life had never been the same after taking up position as Watcher of Buffy Summers and Faith Spencer.

What he also realised was that without that, he would never have been introduced to Angel, to his life apparently. In a word (or three), Wesley’s life previous to the Council had, put bluntly (and seemingly in Sunnydale terms) sucked beyond belief. Perhaps, he’d expected too much to come of his upbringing.

Remembering the dire little house and the father he scrabbled for the approval of, made Wesley wistful, sad sometimes. But nothing, nothing had become as crushing as knowing your best friend was willingly laying down for a demon to subject unspeakable tortures upon her young soul. She did it nightly. She did it without complaining, without letting on what was happening and she did it for them.

This in itself was worse than anything his own father had subjected him to, than anything Angelus ever would. She’d said it herself, he wanted to crush her soul and he was doing so. Making her believe that even if Angel did, by some small miracle, return to this life, he’d never forgive her.

Angelus had convinced her that she wasn’t going to Heaven to ‘join her Angel’ – he’d convinced her that because of what she’d done, he’d greet her in Hell. Existing in this world was hard enough, living in it right now, much harder. Angel was gone. In his place a soulless demon.

Cordelia unable to allow herself to be happy because of the acts she committed, to keep her friends alive. Part of him wondered what drove Cordelia to make such an arrangement. Why, when they had the means and certainly the will to do so, did she let him destroy her in this way?


That’s what it came down to when you placed a label upon it. Loyalty. She wasn’t willing to let him hurt her friends and in doing so, she made him hurt her instead.

“ENGLISH!” Wesley was broken out of his reverie by a yell from Gunn. Buffy, Spike, Gunn and Fred stood around the desk in the office, Cordelia upstairs seeing to Connor, the only thing she had left of Angel. If Spike listened carefully, he could hear her soft spoken words, her gentle cries…

The song she continued to sing over and over again. Even Spike admitted that she couldn’t carry a tune, but the song she sang was so heartbreakingly sad that he found himself tearing up.

I will remember you
Will you remember me
Don’t let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

Remember the good times that we had
We let them slip away from us
When things got bad
How clearly I first saw you
Your smile just like the sun
Wanna feel your warmth upon me
I wanna be the one

I will remember you
Will you remember me
Don’t let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

I’m so tired but I can’t sleep
Standing on the edge of something much to deep
It’s funny how I feel so much but cannot say a word
Though we are screaming inside oh we can’t be heard

And I will remember you
will you remember me
Don’t let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

I’m so afraid to love you
more afraid to lose
Clinging to a past that doesn’t let me choose
Once there was a darkness a deep and endless light
Gave me everything you had oh, you gave me life

And I will remember you
will you remember me
Don’t let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

Spike snapped himself back to the people huddled around him and sighed. “Okay, might come as a shock ‘ere, but… I don’t like it… I say we kill him.”

“Kill him and she’s still broken.” Said Fred quietly. “The only person that can make this okay is…”

“DEAD.” Gunn shook his head, frowning. “Jeez, are you people dumb? He’s FUCKING her into an early grave and you wanna bring him back?”

A punch to the jaw sent Gunn skidding backwards into the wall. Not from Buffy, nor Spike, nor Wesley…

Fred. “That’s not Angel!” She yelled. Little fists clenching and unclenching angrily. “I won’t have you saying it is…”

The group fell silent.


“I told him you had his forehead.” Cordelia was stroking Connor’s face gently as she fed him, her words hushed to a gentle whisper. “I told him you brooded like him.” She closed her eyes and sighed, “I told him I’d be here forever.”

Connor gurgled in her arms and Cordelia looked down at him. “When you’re old enough… And they tell you about him… About us… What happened… You’ll hate me.” She whispered, “I wish I could make you understand that what I do, I know it isn’t right but… It’s the only part of Angel I have. When he’s gentle… It’s not so bad… I can pretend that he loves me. I can pretend that it’s really your Daddy. I can pretend that I didn’t really kill him.”

When she looked up again, the sun was setting, Connor was asleep in her arms. Trusting, loving. “You bring me comfort.” She whispered, pressing her lips to his forehead. “You’re a part of Angel. A part of me…” Cordelia hugged him for a second, before standing up and placing him in his cot. “I love you.” She whispered.

Walking down the stairs, Cordelia swiped at the tears. She wouldn’t let them see her cry, not again. “Guys, I’m going home.” She called.

They were out of the office quicker than they could blink, Gunn harboring a bloody nose.

“Cordelia, please!” Begged Fred, “Don’t go home… Not to that.”

“I have to.” Came the hushed reply. “If I don’t he’ll… Look, I’ll be fine, okay?”

“But you won’t be. He’s breaking you.” Said Fred gently.

“I’m sorry. This is what I have to do.” Cordelia was out of the hotel, Gunn about to run after her when Wesley stopped him, “Gunn, wait. Buffy, make the call.”

“But…” Fred began to speak then hushed at the look of determination in Wesley’s eyes. “Are you sure?”

Wesley made the decision. “Make the call.” He nodded.


He was already there. As she got to the apartment, Cordelia was awarded with the cold chill that Dennis had set up as a warning system, should Angelus be hiding in wait for her. Gently, she closed the door, placing her keys on the table – immediately faced with naked Angel, sitting on the couch, a smirk on his face.

“Hello lover.” He growled. His demeanour changed, however, when he saw the red rims around her eyes. “You’ve been crying.”

“Why do you care?”

“I’d like the woman I’m fucking to be a little more than a Zombie…”

Cordelia winced at his harsh words. “Someone in my family died today.” She lied.

“Was it the Watcher?” He asked, hopefully.

Cordelia’s eyes narrowed, “I meant my OTHER family. And no, it wasn’t.”

“Too bad. I’d like to have seen him dead.”


“Don’t you just love it on me though?”

“Can we get this over with? I’ve got things to do.” Said Cordelia.

“No, you don’t.”

“I hate you.” She whispered.

“Which is just the way I like it. You fuck me, I don’t ask you to love me.”

“I never could anyway.”

“No, you love my pathetic alter ego…”

“He’s worth more than you’ll ever be.” Retorted Cordelia, hotly.

“I like it when you’re like this.” Said Angelus, smirking.

“Like what?”

“When you defend him… It makes you that little bit harder to break… But not impossible.” Angelus pulled her into his arms, his lips crushing down on hers brutally until she was clawing at his chest, trying to get some air.

When he finally pulled away, he laughed, “I thought you liked it rough…”

Cordelia just stared at him, “Can’t you just do it already?” She whispered, “Stop taunting, just get it over with and get the hell out of here!”

“Oh no, that would be too simple…” He smirked.

*I want to feel your spirit snap between my fingers, feel your last breath. I want you to cry for him… And I want you to see the face of the demon you hate as your body gives up.*

Angelus ripped her clothes from her body, dragging his nails across her stomach, making her whimper. “Nice.” He smirked, staring at her white bra and cotton panties. “VIRGINAL… Not like you at all, is it CORDY?”

He was using his pet name for her, reminding her that now in no way was she a virgin to anything of a sexual nature. Cordelia looked down. “Don’t call me that…” She whispered.

“But Cordy, I love you.” His voice was hard, brittle.

Tears welled up in her eyes but she kept them there. “And I love *Angel*…” She whispered.

“Angel, Angel, Angel…” He ran a finger down her jawline, softly, gently – making her shudder. “It’s always about Angel.”

He felt her spirit break just that little bit more as he placed a tender kiss on her lips.

“Y’know, he can see EVERYTHING you do. Everything I do…” His fingers trailed down beneath the waistband of her panties, “Everything that makes you want me more.”

Cordelia winced as a painful flash of arousal darted between her legs.

“He told me to tell you something…” Said Angelus, gently.

Cordelia looked up at him, hopefully, words of love perhaps?

“He told me I was welcome to you…” He grinned.

Cordelia gasped, feeling like she’d been punched.

Angelus smiled. *Soon.* One word, universally used had so many meanings. Soon, she’d be broken. Soon, he’d move onto the Slayer. Soon…

Part 5

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