Part 5
The last time Cordelia could remember waking up with a headache like this was the drinking binge that came after being fired. She’d never even drank like this with Groo when they were on their holiday, officially on leave from the whole package that came with working for Angel Investigations and the Powers That Be.
For some reason, her body seemed less inclined to process the alcohol. Cordelia felt sick, her head pounded and a smell that could only be shop bought coffee pentetrated her alcohol-addled senses. Nobody, absolutely no one she knew, made coffee that good, except maybe Phantom Dennis on a good day.
Wincing, Cordelia turned, thankful for the lack of sunlight in the room. “Ohhh-kay… And where the hell am I?” Oh God, it wasn’t going to be like on TV where you woke up and saw the ‘thing’ lying next to you, was it? Oh hell… Oh hell… Oh… “Angel? What–“
For a moment there, it’d been quite easy to forget. For a moment, she’d thought she was back at home, or maybe the hotel – having just woken up from a monster drinking session that, if Doyle had been here, would have put him to shame.
“Oh…” Said Cordelia softly as she looked round the room, squinting in the already dim light. “I thought that… Never mind.”
She knew how she must have looked right now, and it wasn’t that she was being ungrateful or anything. It was that the dream she’d been having? In it, she’d made this right. She’d changed the past – only she hadn’t been sent back here. She’d made it right in her future, that future where Angel loved her and… That dream was difficult to shake.
“I-I got you some coffee,” Angel said tentatively, as he watched her, plucking the Krispy Kreme bag up from the side table.
The bag was huge. The smell of coffee and delicious treats like donuts and waffles wafted towards Cordelia’s nose. It must have cost a fortune, and Cordelia knew from living in Sunnydale that there was only one Krispy Kreme outlet right across town. “You went and got me this? But… How? I mean, sun shining plus vamp equals Krispy Angel…”
“I called in a favour. Willy the Snitch owes me some, I just… Had him deliver. I didn’t know what you wanted so I just got you everything. You don’t have to eat it or any…” Angel’s voice trailed off and he frowned. Without knowing how, he’d made her cry again, tears welling up in her eyes. “Cordelia?”
“Has there been any time in the last four days when I haven’t cried in front of you?” She asked, rather snippily. Those words had been more or less the same thing he’d said to her in the future, when they’d called for lunch and he’d bought her everything off the menu.
She’d told him she loved him – she hadn’t figured on it being true in a way that she’d never meant before.
“I understand,” He ventured softly, ready to try and placate her.
“How can you understand? God, I don’t even understand. All I know is two weeks ago my life was great – I was with you and Fred and the others and now, everything sucks again. Way to go, Cordy.”
Puzzled, Angel glanced from the bag to her and then back again, wondering what it was he’d done wrong. He’d only bought her coffee…
“It’s not you,” She sighed, noticing where his gaze had gone, “And that whole you bringing me breakfast thing was incredibly sweet… But… I’ve already deja’ed this vu… You did it for me in the future too. The visions were getting to me – I kept getting angry ’cause people kept asking me if I wanted anything and you…”
Cordelia swallowed, “You ordered the entire menu for me because you didn’t want to ask me if you could get me anything…”
These memories were killing her. She saw so much of his older-more-wiser self in this younger version – and yet… They were so different. For a start, she totally wanted to bitchslap him for loving Buffy and not her, though that wasn’t really fair. Cordelia knew what it was that had made Angel open his eyes – turning into Angelus, killing Ms. Calendar, going to hell – Hell really shaped a person’s character, she supposed.
He’d realised somewhere along the line that he and Buffy couldn’t indulge in the immortal forever love crap without the world and it’s Sunnydale Residents taking a serious ass-kicking, and he’d left. That was how Angel Investigations had started. That was how they’d become friends.
“Sorry…” She muttered finally, drawing her sheet-covered legs up to her chest miserably, “Guess this wasn’t how you pictured starting your day, huh? Crazy future girl hogging your bed, droning on about the family she used to have… Fun for you…”
Angel stayed silent, hands clasped together as he watched her, frowning as he saw the bruises on her wrist, the scrape down her arm. He knew he hadn’t done that, for certain. No, that was the work of the chauvinist asshole she’d been with last night. Biting back a growl, Angel met her eyes, “Does that hurt?”
Cordelia shook her head, “Can’t really feel anything – though that could be because my head’s about to explode — and before you get with the preachy…”
“Cordelia…” He tried to interrupt.
“Yeah, I know I was stupid. I know that I was dumb and drunk and a whole host of other things but–“
“Cordelia?”
“–That doesn’t give you the right to–“
“Cordelia!” He yelled finally, his voice raising way above the ‘Angel’ norm. “I’m not going to start preaching. It’s none of my business.”
That comment brought her back to the earth with a bump. It wasn’t any of his business, was it? So then why, exactly, had he been looking at her like that last night? Why, exactly, had he started in with the ‘Cordelia’ voice and the ‘you could have been {insert option here}’ speech?
Cordelia, puzzled and not wanting to continue on this line of thought, threw the covers back from her legs and got out of Angel’s bed, avoiding his gaze.
Angel, disappointed somewhat by the lack of response, blurted out the only thing he could think of, “Who’s Connor?”
Cordelia froze, caught off guard by the question. She hadn’t told him he’d had a son – hadn’t told him that the entire reason she’d come back here was because he’d killed him and ended up destroying his own life in the process.
“O-old boyfriend.” She lied, avoiding his eyes. The room spun and Cordelia almost plummeted to the floor, would it not have been for Angel’s hand on her arm, holding her steady.
They were closer now than they’d been in what seemed like forever to Cordelia. His fingers were under her chin, making her look up and the cool and calm facade she’d decided to adopt was rapidly slipping away.
He could hear her heartbeat increase, notice the change in her. She was scared, not of him but of something else. Angel bent his head forward, all thoughts slipping out of his head – his lips just inches away from hers… And Cordelia pulled away.
“No…” She whispered, tears blurring her vision as she moved. How could she let this happen? If this happened, she was jeopardising the future she’d just tried to change – the future she’d had to change, for Angel’s sake. “Angel, you love Buffy…”
There was a world of hurt in that voice. A world of ‘I wish you didn’t’s’ and a world of ‘pick me’s’ – none of which Cordelia knew how to put into words. “I-I didn’t come here just to… Just…”
“Just to what?” Asked Angel, frustrated and not knowing why he’d tried to kiss her. She was right, he did love Buffy, he was in love with Buffy. What he was doing was wrong, he knew that… But there was no other answer he knew.
“To do this over again! To fall into this trap that I just seem to love. Sure, Cordy, pick a fixer-upper, pick a guy who’s not even particularly worth your time and then fall completely head over heels in love with him. I’ve both been there, done that and I’m NOT getting the scars again to prove it. I won’t, Angel…”
What could he do but let her go? His grip on her arm loosened and Angel stood there for a moment, staring at her. “This isn’t easy, Cordelia. You know a hell of a lot about me and I…”
“You what? Don’t know anything about me? Born May 24th, which makes me a Gemini. Right now, I live in Sunnydale with my parents who got most of their money the illegal way. I’m in love with a guy who’ll never look twice at me and I single-handedly destroyed my own life trying to make someone else happy. You feeling the bitterness vibe here, Angel? Because believe me, it’s there.”
Cordelia was annoyed and confused. Angel had just tried to kiss her and had successfully thrown what little left she’d understood into orbit.
“So come on, tell me how hard this is…” She said, bitter defeat tingeing her voice, “Tell me how hard it is knowing that you can’t have sex with the woman you love – then double that. No, triple it and you have where I am. My future’s never exactly been the one thing that was certain, but at least when it was you, it was safe.
At least when I was with you, I could take whatever was coming round the next corner and believe I’d get through it, even if it wasn’t strictly true. Now look at me. I’m back in Sunnydale, surrounded by the most shallow people in the world and wishing more than anything that I didn’t have this past with you to compare with my present.”
This was getting her nowhere. Angel was looking at her with the patented Post-Vision look and making her feel more guilty than she already did. She needed to get out of there and fast.
“Do you know how hard it is being around you?” She asked, her voice dropping a few decibels. “See, I keep remembering stuff. That afternoon in the hotel when you ordered everything from that menu for me because you didn’t know what I wanted and knew I was fed up of people asking what I did. When you sat with me in the courtyard post-vision, out of the sun but there.
I have all of these memories of us, of our friendship and our friends and… And they don’t actually mean anything because they haven’t happened yet. I keep expecting to wake up with Phantom Dennis hovering a cup of coffee in my direction, and instead I wake up with a headache that almost equals vision hangover and start yelling at you.”
Angel stood, reeling from the way her moods had changed so rapidly, hands thrust in pockets. She’d been right. He didn’t understand, but he wanted to try. “What if we start over?” He asked, suddenly, meeting her eyes, seeing some kind of brief light at the end of this tunnel.
“Start what over? The morning? Like… Me waking up again and not going psycho on you?”
“No,” He shook his head, “I mean… Our friendship. Cordelia…”
His conversation ineptness made her smile. Back home and she’d been the one to do all the talking – it was nice to think that some things would probably never change.
“What you’ve done…” Angel paused, “No one’s ever done anything like that for me. Maybe I can’t give you back your future but… If we could be friends maybe… It’s a start, right? We can… Start over as… Friends?”
Taking the bag of coffee and donuts from the table, he handed them to Cordelia with a smile, “You’re not alone in this, Cordelia. I’ll help you all I can…”
“Because that’s what friends do.” Said Cordelia, a touch of wistfulness entering her voice. It wasn’t her future, but like he said, it was a start. “Friends?” She held out her hand and smiled, feeling his slide into hers. They shook on it and Cordelia grinned, “Ok, I know you’re not a foodie but you have got to try this…”
***
“Cordelia? And Angel? I don’t think so…” Said Willow, shaking her head. Just… Not possible. It couldn’t be. Angel and… and Cordelia? No! Definitely not.
“I’m telling you Will,” Buffy mumbled, pushing her food around her plate, “She left his place this morning. Early. I knew he hadn’t come on patrol but I thought that maybe he’d just been disappearing guy on me again. He was with Cordelia…”
Ok, so that wasn’t what Willow had been expecting. Even she’d noticed the obvious change in Cordelia these days – the brunette was less volatile, less inclined to speak her mind. She’d said something to Willow that morning that could almost be construed as 95% compliment. But Cordelia and Angel…? Not possible. Definitely not possible.
“I know there was some trouble with one of Aura’s current flings last night, she and Harmony were talking about it this morning before history. Of which I noticed you weren’t present and here–” Willow plucked some notes from her bag and handed them to Buffy,
“–Even highlighted with the important points.” Usually, that was enough to make Buffy smile. This morning though? No such luck. Not even a hint of a grin. “Look, the only way you’re going to know if there’s anything going on is if you ask. So, go…”
“Oh, sure,” Buffy frowned, “What am I supposed to do, walk up to Cordelia and say ‘hey, are you trying to steal my boyfriend *again*’? Never gonna happen.”
“Not Cordelia! Angel… Go talk to Angel. He loves you Buffy, not Cordelia.” Not even the new and improved one, she added silently. Then, she changed tacks, looking Buffy directly in the eye, “I’m not making excuses for her, Buffy, but… I doubt that giving up her future so that she could come back and steal Angel from you in this life was her modus operandi. Maybe she just changed?”
“What about that tiger and stripes thing? That’s… True!” Buffy frowned, not wanting to believe the best in Cordelia when she felt this miserable.
“That’s leopards… And spots. But look at Angel.”
“That was different, he was given a soul.”
“Yeah,” Willow nodded, “And Cordelia was given visions. I’m the first one to call her on her selfishness and the fact that she’s a major b-i-t-c-h most of the time — but whether we like it or not, she did this, Buffy. As far as we can see, there’s been nothing motivating Cordelia to do anything for herself. I hate to say it – but we have to be doubt-benefitty kind of girls.”
“Even if she’s stealing my boyfriend?” Asked Buffy, eyebrows raised.
“Oh no,” Willow grinned, “Then you can really scratch her eyes out.”
***
“I’m saying… I don’t know what I’m saying!” Finished Buffy, sighing. “All I know is ever since Cordelia came back from the future, I’ve barely seen you. You spend most of your time trying to extend the bulky yet comforting arm of a vampire an-and I’m jealous!”
There, she’d done it. He’d told her to be honest about her feelings and she had been. How could she not be jealous? Cordelia had skipped on out of there that morning as if her life were all sunshine and roses again while Buffy’s was slipping further and further into the gutter.
With Spike and Drusilla on the prowl, Buffy’s spirits were running low. Seeing Cordelia that morning hadn’t exactly put her in the best frame of mind.
“Buffy…”
“Angel, I’m trying to make sense of it all. I get that she’s hurting, really I do but… It just feels like…”
Angel stared at her a moment. Usually, he had enough guilty feelings to deal with on a regular basis. Today, he had the memory of Cordelia… How close he’d been to kissing her. How much he’d wanted to run his fingers through her hair. She was everything Buffy wasn’t, a direct parallel to the girl he’d fallen in love with.
That was the part that was giving Angel the problems – and the guilt. He loved Buffy, would always love Buffy. But the connection he felt with Cordelia, the obvious attraction – it worried him. He shouldn’t be feeling this, he knew he shouldn’t… But he also knew that what Buffy had said was true.
Since Cordelia had come back, they hadn’t been together once for fear of what might happen. Cordelia’s help had opened up a crack in their relationship, and that crack was only getting bigger. How could he be with her when she’d have to forsake any kind of normal life to be his? How could he be with her when he knew what the consequences of what she understood as a normal relationship would bring?
“It just feels like what?” He asked softly.
“It feels like I’m losing you,” Said Buffy quietly, “And I don’t know how to get you back…”
She knew what he was thinking – how could she not? The very same things that were plaguing Angel had been running through her head for the past few days. This morning had been an attempt to erase all that. To prove not only to herself, but to Angel, that they could survive this, that they could get through anything.
Then, she’d seen Cordelia. Buffy was no fool, she knew that Cordelia was everything she wasn’t. She knew that Cordelia was at least socially able, pretty, popular, and that now, she shared a future and what felt like a past with Angel.
They had a friendship, something that Buffy wasn’t sure she and Angel had ever shared.
Sighing, Buffy sat down on the edge of his bed, glancing morosely around the small apartment. “I don’t know what to do,” She admitted, quietly, eyes cast down and away from his. “I-I love you. I know I do. But…”
There it was. But.
Last year, Buffy had died. She was starting to get now that being a slayer meant making certain sacrifices. Having a normal life wasn’t possible. For her. Even snuggling with her honey could now mean the end of the world. Buffy didn’t know Angel’s evil self, and she wasn’t itching to get to know him either. Being around him was too hard, knowing that one moment of happiness could unleash such pain on the world.
“But what?” Angel looked down at her from where he stood.
Buffy didn’t know. Was this really the way her life was going to be now? Having to play it safe every time she was with him? Not being allowed to be close to him because of a curse?
Bitter tears welled up in Buffy’s eyes and she looked up at him. “Every time I look at you, it feels like we’re getting further apart. I keep telling myself that we can work through this. That we don’t need to be together like that…” Her cheeks burned as she realised what she was saying,
“B-but… I’m scared. What if it’s not just y’know, that? What if… What if us being together unleashes Angelus on the world? What if just a kiss or something makes you so happy that you…” Buffy swallowed and looked down again. “I can’t live like that Angel. How can I be with you if I know that one thing I do might take you away from me?”
Angel moved then, kneeling in front of her and taking her chin between his forefinger and thumb, turning her gaze back to his. “Buffy… If that were going to happen, don’t you think it would have happened by now? The first time I kissed you, when you said you loved me… It’s not perfect, what we have now – but we have something. We have each other. That’s all that matters.”
All that matters… Buffy closed her eyes, shivered as Angel ran the tip of his forefinger down her cheek, so tender it almost made her cry. That was all that mattered – they were together. Being apart just wasn’t an option. She’d thought about it – thought about it until her heart ached, her eyes had filled with tears and she’d realised that living without him was something she couldn’t do.
He was the one thing in this entire freaky world that made any kind of sense to her. Two minutes ago, she’d been close to giving that up because things were getting hard. It showed a vulnerability in Buffy that she’d never known she’d had.
She wanted one part of her life to be kind of normal, with Angel she could pretend that. With Angel, she could be just Buffy – regardless of the slayer/vampire aspect of their relationship. Buffy could be herself, patrols and other mondo-uglies be damned.
“All that matters.” Buffy said quietly, opening her eyes again and glancing down at him, shoulders lifting slightly as if a weight had been taken from her. He was right. What they had right now, it wasn’t perfect, but they had something. It was a start…
“Maybe…”
“What?” Buffy’s pause had been enough to draw Angel from his own thoughts, eyes slipping up to meet hers. By far, she was the most important thing he had – the closest thing he had to happiness. It would never be perfect, perhaps never be normal, but he’d keep telling himself that he had something.
Buffy had taught him that he didn’t have to live his life hidden by the shadows, ashamed of what he was.
“Maybe we could do something, tomorrow night? Like… A date type something?” She asked, hopefully. That one time they’d had a date, the Order of Taraka had shown up, sent by Spike to take down the slayer – or at least keep her out of the way.
“Don’t worry,” She smiled, “No ice or skating involved. Maybe just… The Bronze? I’m pretty sure I can square it with Giles to get the night off tomorrow. He and Ms. Calendar might patrol if I throw the tired-and-needing-a-rest-card.”
Okay, so maybe it wasn’t exactly fair play to even think about doing that – but Buffy needed a break. She needed a break from demons and vampires and Seers from the future.
She needed one normal night just to remind herself that she wasn’t just a slayer, that every decision she made, no matter how big or small, wasn’t going to affect the good of the world and the people she protected.
“What do you think?”
Angel smiled at her, eyes softening. At times, it was easy to forget she was just a teen, growing into adulthood with the weight of the world on her shoulders. “It sounds fine,” He said softly, “As long as you can square it with Giles…”
Grinning, Buffy reached down to kiss him, “Sooo not a problem.”
