It felt strange to walk into the Hyperion. She had only been gone for one full day but the place seemed so different. It was foreign.
She heard the gasps, she saw the pity and she felt the touching hands but inside there was nothing. She knew her friends were touching her body trying to reassure themselves she was alive. Body, it was such a hollow word.
It echoed through her like the sound of someone crying in the lobby would echo through the hotel. Someone was crying. Her eyes scanned the room. Someone was crying. One face after another took form.
Everyone was crying but they weren’t whom she was searching for. Her eyes finally rested on a small bundle of blankets. Connor. Connor was crying. Her arms scooped up the trembling fragile body. Fragile, it was such a gentle word. Fragile.
Connor was fragile. Connor needed to be protected or he would break. His fragrant pink skin felt cold. She wrapped his blanket tighter. He had to be protected. His safety was more important than hers. She was a mother. She was an honorary mother.
A soft smile formed on her face. She felt a twinge of pain as her battered face twisted in an unfamiliar shape. Smiling, had she ever smiled before? It didn’t matter she was holding the only thing that mattered. Loud voices were making Connor squirm. She had to keep him safe. She had to silence the loud voices.
Her eyes connected with Wesley’s. “You’re upsetting Connor.”
“I’m sorry but I was trying… What happened?”
Questions, did they need to know what she had done? Couldn’t they see her guilt in her eyes? Didn’t they realize what she had become just by looking at her? “Connor is safe.”
“Cordelia, we were searching for you. I’m so sorry…”
“Connor is safe.” She rocked the baby in her arms. A sickening thought suddenly occurred to her. Could her baby boy smell what she had done? She needed to get clean. She shouldn’t touch the baby when she was dirty. It was funny. Could she ever be clean again? It didn’t matter. She was a mother. Darla hadn’t been clean and she was a mother too.
“I have to take a shower. I can’t take the baby with me.” Her eyes searched the room. Who would keep her baby safe? “Where is Angel?”
Fred pointed to the stairs.
Angel had curled into a ball on the stairs. It was funny. He was so broad but his body managed to fold itself until it almost disappeared. He was still crying. How could he keep Connor safe if he wouldn’t stop crying?
Another sickening thought occurred to her. He could probably smell what she had done. He needed to get clean too but he couldn’t go back to his room. His room was gone now. It had been destroyed by her thoughtlessness, her reckless disregard for his curse. She had betrayed him there.
Her eyes scanned the room. Someone needed to keep Connor safe while she showered. Her gaze fell on Fred. She had gotten Connor to safety. Why was she crying? She hadn’t done anything wrong. She hadn’t betrayed anyone.
“I need you to keep Connor safe while I shower and change.”
Fred nodded. She didn’t trust her own voice.
Cordelia handed the baby to her. Fred would keep Connor safe. Her eyes went back to Angel. Why was he still crying? She reached out to touch his shoulder but froze. He wouldn’t want her to touch him but she needed him to look up. Her voice sounded so hoarse.
Hoarse, it was a funny word. She had a horse once but the government took it away. So many things had been taken from her. Would that make her disappear one day? Could one too many things be taken and make her fade away? Marcy had faded away. She had made Marcy disappear. It was her fault.
“You can use the room Wesley stays in to shower. You can’t go back to your room. It’s not there anymore.” She didn’t notice the strange looks she received. “
You can sleep in Wesley’s room. You haven’t slept in so long. Gunn will get you some clean clothes. You can’t keep the ones you’re wearing. Gunn will burn them. Fred will bring Connor to you once you’re dressed.” She didn’t speak to the others. She knew they would follow her instructions.
It was funny. They would laugh if they knew how well Cordelia Chase could follow instructions. She could follow directions without whining, complaining or talking back. But they couldn’t know. They couldn’t know what she had done, what she had become.
She slowly walked up the stairs. She had a room too. Normally she’d use Angel’s but that wasn’t there anymore. She would have to use the room she had picked so long ago.
The shower had helped to ease her sore muscles. There was no one in there to push her onto her knees this time. Walking started to hurt again. It was strange to feel relieved by that. She was in pain because someone hurt her. She had been hurt.
It was funny. She embraced the pain, welcomed it like an old friend. Friend, would her friends leave her when they knew what she had done?
Her feet moved towards the sound of crying. She ignored the hushed voices that were floating around the hotel. Someone was crying. She took a hesitant step inside the room Angel was told to use. He was curled up in the corner. He was dressed in clean clothes now but he was still crying. He wasn’t the someone she was looking for.
Connor was in the middle of the large bed crying. Sucking on his fist could not smother his wails. His entire tiny body had turned purple. She crawled onto the bed and wrapped herself around him, protecting him. She had to keep him safe. His cries tapered off as her presence began to soothe him. He slowly slipped into slumber.
She was so tired. Her eyes drifted to the corner. He was watching her. He was watching them. The haunted look in his eyes forced her to look away. She had put that there. She rested her head on the bed and closed her eyes.
There was this wooded area behind her Grandmother’s house. She used to play there when she was little. She would pretend she was a lost princess. Her family and her prince were desperately searching for her. She didn’t need to be afraid because they loved her.
They would find her. No harm could come to her. Their love kept her safe. There was a beautiful tree in the woods. The branches looked like they were reaching down to scoop her up and keep her safe.
No one would have guessed that Cordelia Chase loved to climb trees. She would climb up to these two branches that made the perfect seat. She could lie down or sit depending on her mood. The full branches kept her shielded from prying eyes. The tree, her tree would keep her safe until she was rescued. She was safe.
Her tree kept her safe and hidden. No one could see her. No one would know what she was if she stayed hidden.
It had been three days since Willow had performed the spell. Three days since two of his closest friends returned to the hotel. Three days and he still didn’t know what had happened. Neither Cordelia nor Angel would talk about it.
During one of her lucid moments, which were few and far between, she handed him a newspaper and pointed out an article. She walked away before he could ask any questions. The article was about a triple homicide in a wealthy suburb of Los Angeles.
Three servants were killed in their beds by a masked intruder. The unknown assailant had been frightened away by a friend of the family who was visiting from San Francisco. The man had reportedly gone downstairs to investigate a suspicious noise.
The assailant had exited the detached servants’ quarters and was attempting to enter the main house. He escaped over the back fence after the exterior lights were activated. The bodies of the servants were discovered by police. The Police currently have no suspects. The investigation is ongoing.
When Wesley showed Angel the article, he told him the family lied. The servants had all been killed in the main house. He had never gone into the servants’ quarters. He couldn’t explain why the family lied to the police. No description of Angelus had been given and no mention of Cordelia was made.
That was the last time Angel had spoken. Cordelia wandered around the hotel with Connor in her arms while Angel watched them through haunted eyes. He never got close but he was never far away either. Wesley had no idea what to do. He hadn’t received a response when he informed them that Willow had managed to rewrite the spell. The curse no longer had a happiness loophole. Angelus was buried forever.
Gunn was barely concealing his anger. Soul or no soul, he wanted to stake Angel. He only waited for Cordelia to confirm their worst fears. Once the words were spoken, it would just be a matter of sweeping up the vamp’s ashes.
He couldn’t understand why she slept in the same room as Angel. She slept on the bed with Connor every night while Angel sat in a chair watching them. He had asked her why but her response had confused him. She only said that Connor needed to be protected, but protected from what?
Fred alternated between crying and writing on the walls. The frail woman felt responsible because she had left Cordy with Angelus. Neither Gunn nor Wesley could convince her she had done the right thing.
Fred had pushed Cordelia into admitting her feelings aloud. She was the reason Angel had heard those words and experienced a moment of pure happiness. Then after she did all that, she ran away and left her best friend to be brutalized. She just needed to find the right formula so she could go back and fix her mistake.
Lorne had fled the hotel moments after coming home. He couldn’t handle the swirling waves of despair, guilt, self-loathing and rage. He apologized before vomiting in the courtyard. He suggested they visit him one at a time elsewhere. Wesley gave him keys to Cordelia’s apartment. Lorne promised to explain what he could to Dennis.
Wesley was angry but he had no one to focus his rage at. Angel wasn’t to blame for Angelus’s actions. He was already hurting. One look in the vampire’s eyes almost made Wes want to promise him everything would be okay.
Cordelia, one of the strongest women he’d ever known, seemed frighteningly fragile. He wanted to hold her and reassure her but she flinched away from his touch. She only allowed Fred and Connor to touch her.
He had noticed that whenever Angel began to cry, Cordelia would hand the baby to Fred. Her words would be directed at Angel but it was Fred who would physically hand Connor to his father. It was these moments that prevented Gunn from acting on his threats. They didn’t know how Cordelia would react if Angel were gone.
He cursed himself for not being in the hotel that night. If he and Gunn hadn’t gone out that night, Cordy wouldn’t be broken. He had failed his family.