Part 7
Four hours later, four very drunk women came stumbling into the Hyperion. The girls walked together arm in arm.
“…floating three feet off the bed. The sex was amazing!”
“That’s a good one, but I can beat that Will. I had shockingly great sex with Spike. It was a marathon of sex. By the time we ended up underneath the rugs, I’d lost feeling in my legs.”
“Wow”
“And then he brought out the handcuffs.”
“Yeah. That’s shocking but I can still beat both of you. Maybe you should sit down for this.”
“Oh c’mon. Between me and Buffy, we’ve done werewolf, lesbian witch, 2 vampires and a government demon hunter. Who or what could you have done to shock us?”
“OK but don’t say I didn’t warn you. I had shockingly great sex with Giles.” She giggled as Buffy and Willow stood there looking like guppies.
“Oh Godess! I need to sit.” Willow started to sink to the floor until a giggling Fred helped her to the red couch.
Buffy continued to stand there opening and closing her mouth. Cordy nudged her to join the other two. “You’re kidding, right? I mean he’s like a dad to us.”
Cordy started laughing again. “Maybe to you guys, but for me he was the most amazing lover I’ve ever had.”
“Did ya do it in the library?”
“Will!”
“What? I’m curious. Like you don’t wanna know.”
Buffy considered it a moment. “Did ya do it on the table? No, in his office on his desk?”
“No. The library was rubble by the time we had sex. I was living in LA at the time.”
“I don’t understand.”
“What, Fred?”
“First, what’s so shocking about great sex with Rupert? Second, I thought Groo was your go-all-night-puppydog?”
“Fred sweetie, Rupert was our stuffy high school librarian who could barely tolerate my tactless honesty. He wasn’t exactly my fantasy until after I saw him naked.” She ignored Buffy’s eww and continued. “And while Groo definitely had stamina, he lacked technique. Rupert has both in spades.”
“My ears!” Buffy almost fell off the couch when she covered her ears.
“So Fred it’s up to you. Can you beat me?”
“Well I only been with Charles a few times and he was my first. Nothing shocking yet.”
“That’s okay Fred. Shocking can be overrated. Eventually we have to be grown ups and stop having sex with the undead. So far I really hate being a grown up.”
“What does Spike look like naked? Is he big?”
“You can’t have him Cordy.”
“I didn’t say I wanted him. I’m just curious. He’s all lean and muscley. So is he packin’?”
“It should be illegal for him to wear clothes. He’s perfect. God I really hate being mature!” She narrowed her eyes at Cordy’s glazed expression. “You can’t have him.”
“Geez Buffy. For an ex you’re pretty possessive. I don’t want your vampire. I have my own.”
Fred started bouncing. “I knew it. You and Angel have kyerumption and moira.”
“Yeah we do but we also have a gypsy curse. It’s so not fair. Buffy can do the naked pretzel with Spike as often as she wants but Angel and I have to stave. Gypsy’s suck!”
“Yeah they do.” Buffy nodded. She was surprised she wasn’t really feeling jealous. Well unless Cordy went after Spike, then there was gonna be a smack down.
“No pooping on my happy mood. I have a new challenge. Strangest place you’ve done it in. I’ll go first..again. Oz and I had sex in his van outside of the school. That’s why we were late for graduation.”
“Good one. Me next. Groo and I had sex in the elevator of our hotel in Mexico. It got stuck between floors and the service guys said it’d take an hour to get us out. I had to keep him occupied. He kept threatening to rescue his princess. I was afraid he might climb up the cables.” She laughed.
“Poor Groo. He was so sweet, dumb but sweet.” She started giggling. “Don’t tell Angel this but the hotel didn’t charge us for our room because of that. I still have half of Angel’s money left over.”
“Angel paid for you to go off and fuck your boytoy?”
“Fred! Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?”
“Opps. I’m sorry Cordy. Please don’t tell Momma I said that.”
“Don’t worry sweetie. Your secret is safe with me. Just as long as you don’t tell Angel.”
“Pooh! Like he’d care. He’d go out to buy you coffee at noon on the sunniest day of the year if you asked him to.”
“That’s sweet, Fred. A scary visual but sweet.”
“Ugh.” Buffy rolled her eyes. “I totally win this one. Spike and I had sex on the catwalk in the Bronze.”
“What?! Where was I?”
“You guys were down below dancing. He snuck up behind me and..Did I mention how much I hate being a grown up?”
“Why can’t you have sex with your vampire anymore? He seems real nice.”
“I’m supposed to be in a normal healthy relationship.”
“Oh. We don’t do normal in LA. It must be a Sunnydale thing. You wanna know what’s not fair? The strangest place Charles and I have done it is on the desk in the office. You know he won’t even do it in his truck. God forbid we mess up his baby!”
“He probably doesn’t want to freak you out. He knows he’s your first, right?” She nodded. “You should tell him how you feel. Better yet tell him your favorite fantasy.”
“I don’t know if I can do that.”
“If you can’t tell the man you love how to please you, you probably aren’t ready to do it in a public place. Oh I know! When I needed that potion, Anita told me about some of their themed rooms. I know it’s a brothel but she says couples go there all the time just to rent one of the rooms. You should try that.”
“If my parents ever found out I went to a brothel, they’d disown me.”
“I won’t tell them.” Cordy watched as Fred’s eyes light up. “I have the number in my rolodex.”
Buffy was giggling. “I so do not want to know why you needed a potion from a brothel.”
“What did Giles look like naked?”
Cordy started at Willow’s question. “Where did that come from?”
“Well I was tryin’ not to wonder but I couldn’t stop myself. So?”
Cordy’s mind drifted back in time. She smiled. “Underneath all that tweed is a mighty fine body. His age shows but it just makes him sexier. The fact that it only took him minutes to make me scream his name was a definite plus. I thought I’d had an orgasm before but Rupert proved me wrong again and again and again. I’d never been so happily exhausted before.”
“Do you think you’ll get back together again?”
“Rupert is a wonderful, intelligent, kind, generous, caring and passionate man but I am hopelessly and completely in love with Angel. You know, Will. You seem awfully interested in Rupert for a lesbian.”
“Oh I’m a lesbian. It’s just I’d like to see Giles happy. He really took care of me over the summer even though I tried to kill him.”
When she notice Willow coming down from her happy mood, she got an idea. “New challenge but this one is for Willow only.” She scooted around the circular couch and put her arm around Buffy.
“Be honest. I have a hypothetical question for you. If you could, which one of us would you want to do?”
Willow and Fred started giggling again. “Um..I don’t know.”
“What do you mean you don’t know? I’m your best friend. Of course you’d want me!”
“Why would she want a 5 foot powerhouse when she could have me?”
“Hey, I’m 5’2″ and I didn’t spend most of her life insulting her.”
“Well I have long legs and breasts. Besides, I bet her childhood trauma has fueled many a fantasy of her dominating me. C’mon Will fess up.”
When Willow turned bright red, Buffy got mad. “You do? I’m your best friend. You should be fantasizing about me.”
Fred decided to say something before a fist fight broke out. “Might I remind y’all that this was a hypothetical question and you two are straight.”
Buffy and Cordelia’s eyes locked. They broke out in a fit of giggles.
“Do you think we’ll ever get over our need to compete with each other, Buff?”
“I doubt it, but at least we’re able to keep it civil. Angel and Giles would be pretty pissed if I kicked your ass.”
“Don’t be so sure of yourself slayer. I’m pretty handy with a sword. I kicked Angel and Spikes asses.”
“Oh please! Who can’t?” She giggled.
“Cordy is it true about you going to the higher realms?”
“Yup”
“Does it mean what I think it means?”
“If you mean am I a higher being than yes.”
“Wow! You must have a lot of power.”
“I guess”
“I have a hypothetical for you. If I went bad again and came after you, who’d win?”
“Will..”
“There’s no harm in just askin’ Buff.”
“If you embraced the dark mojo and we fought, I’d win.”
“Ya think?”
“No. I know.”
“C’mon Cordy. You didn’t see her. She kicked my ass.”
Cordy started giggling. She looked at Willow. “I bet that had to be your secret fantasy since Xander first started to worship at the alter of Buffy.”
Willow giggled until she noticed Buffy’s frown. “Um..No!..I was all evil. It was horrible. All of it.”
“Sure it was. When I said ‘I know’ I meant it.” She cleared her throat.
“Willow, I have the power to strip you of your ability to do any magic. If I chose to, you wouldn’t even be able to float a pencil.”
“Wow”
“Me next. You said you’re good with a sword, but could you strip me of my strength if we fought?”
“Buffy, my powers aren’t toys. If you went bitch, I would do my best with the fighting skills I have and take my ass kicking if necessary. Now if you decided to start killing innocents or tried to kill any member of my family, I wouldn’t hesitate to strip you of your slayer strength and send your skinny ass to jail. You could room with Faith. She still has her strength. I’m sure she’d love to make you her bitch.”
Cordy noticed how quiet the room got and decided to lighten the mood. “I bet you find me ten times hotter now, huh?”
The red head giggled as she nodded. “Why did you come back?”
“‘Cause my family needed me and I needed them.”
“They just let you leave?”
“No. I cut a deal. I have a whole new schtik now.”
“I thought you were vision girl.”
“I still am but I’m also a guide to lost souls.”
“Aren’t you ever scared about how much power you have?”
“No. The only thing about it that’s scary is the responsiblity that comes with it. Don’t you agree Buffy?”
“I’ll give that a hell yeah!”
Cordelia yawned. “I think we’ve officially bonded. I say we go to bed.”
“You mean separately, right?”
“Yeah Fred. Separately.”
The giggling girls helped each other off the couch. They had reached the stairs when Willow stopped.
“Do you think it was a spell that turned the guys into statues?”
The girls looked over at the five men who were in the exact same position they’d been in when they came back.
Cordy yawned again.
“I don’t know and I’m too drunk to care. We’ll worry about it in the morning. Night.”