It’s Only Pain.

Title: It’s Only Pain
Author: Katie
Posted: December 05, 2006
Rating: R
Category: angst
Content: Cordelia POV
Summary: Only behind the closed doors of her home Cordelia allows herself to let out the pain of the visions.
Spoilers: Season 2, shortly before Angel returns to the team
Disclaimer: The characters in the Angelverse were created by Joss Whedon & David Greenwalt. No infringement is intended, no profit is made.
Distribution: TIO, GTC/A. Anywhere else, please ask first.

The apartment door closed with a soft click shutting out the rest of the world. She was alone now apart from her phantom Dennis. Finally she was able to let it all go. The pain was always stronger than her lately.

She didn’t even make it three steps further.

Cordelia leant back against the door. Tears burnt behind her eyelids like fire. Her head felt like it would explode any second from the searing pain inside. Her skin prickled like someone was torturing her with needles.

Slowly she slid down the door until she sat on the cold floor. Her legs nothing more than jelly, she didn’t have the strength for standing any longer. She was shivering from the cold that had crept up so quickly in her. Her whole body hurt – inside and outside.

Silent tears turned into sorrowful weeping.

It wasn’t so much the injuries she came away with all the time or taking care of her friends’ wounds. The physical pain she hardly felt any more. It were the voices of the potential victims from her visions that didn’t leave her alone. Day in, day out she heard their endless painful cries, sounds of death and destruction.

Dolorous whimpers became heart-wrenching sobs.

Not only the surround sound was tearing at her heart. There was the sweet smell of human blood, the horrible stench of demons. Endless screams. She felt how a demon’s sharp claws severed limbs and ripped bodies apart, how a vampire’s fangs sank violently into a helpless’ skin, how powerful hands crushed a windpipe for fun. A constant destruction of human life.

She was tired of fighting. Tired of it all.

As much as she hated the souled vampire right now, she missed his strong arms holding her tenderly. They provided a silent comfort and feeling of safety nothing and no one else could. The only aid against the agonizing torment from her visions.

They were for him and him alone. He was supposed to save the helpless victim, free his city of one of its monsters and relieve his seer of her own pain. She was still here enduring all those premonitions of eternal suffering; he was somewhere out there completely indifferent and uncaring to it all.

Slowly but surely the pain was shredding her soul to pieces,

A comforter gently settled around her shoulders. At least her body would be kept a little warm, even if her heart was freezing to ice. Cold as Angel’s body after hours of sleep; cold as her own body after a vision had torn through her brain; cold as she felt without his presence.

Tears were streaming down her cheeks in an endless river of her soul’s anguish.

Cordelia pulled her knees closer hugging them in a gesture of comforting herself. The agony of despair didn’t leave her, the mournful sobs didn’t cease. She rocked back and forth trying desperately not to think of powerful arms and soothing words that could take it all away for a while. It didn’t stop, nothing ever would. One day the pain would destroy her.

She wanted to take the coward’s way out. Give up and it all be over. It would be so easy. The vampire was gone from her life and didn’t care if she had visions or not. Wesley and Gunn were better off without these anyway; it would keep them alive. They would all profit from it – except all the helpless people out there.

A long yearning look out of the window into the dark brought back memories. It was followed by a single, silently whispered word, “Angel”.


A lone figure on the roof of the building opposite was watching Cordy in her agony through that very window since the minute she’d’ arrived at her home,. Some would call him a stalker. Others would believe he took care of those belonging to him. The rest knew it was a little of both.

His eyes followed her every move. His sensitive ears heard even her most quiet sob and whisper. Deep inside himself he felt her excruciating pain.

She was calling out for him – not just by sound but through a soft bond both their souls shared. For weeks now he’d tried to neglect it, forget the past. It took him much more energy than he ever thought possible. Instead of becoming quiet, her cries for him got louder with each passing hour.

She was craving his attention and Angel couldn’t ignore her any longer.



Darkness Fics**

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