Part 4
Angel remained standing on the other side of the door until Cordy’s footsteps gradually faded. The last twenty minutes had been a revelation- but his mind kept focusing on two things.
The fact that Cordelia had whipped off her top in front of the guys and that she considered his reaction had stemmed from brotherly affection/concern …
Big brother? Ha! That was a joke. If only she knew just how wrong she was! Angel ran a hand roughly through his hair as he turned away and began pacing his room restlessly.
His display downstairs had nothing whatsoever to do with brotherly feelings. Yeah, Angel knew he’d be lying through his teeth if he’d said he hadn’t enjoyed the view. But then, yeah, it had been a shock. Not like he hadn’t seen her wearing much less – the shell bikini had knocked him off his feet.
When they’d arrived in Pylea to rescue her, he’d been completely distracted by the sight of his reflection, and then crap had hit the proverbial fan. The alluring princess garb she’d been wearing only fully registered as they were returning home.
But seeing Willow rising from the circular sofa in the foyer of The Hyperion; wan-faced with reddened eyes, wiped out anything but a feeling of deep apprehension. Angel swallowed hard as he briefly relived the shock and pain, and then how he’d handled the news at the time.
Badly, Angel admitted to himself. But honestly, was that really such a surprise to his friends? To Cordelia? His chest tightened as he recalled how he shut them all out before abruptly leaving – although he did take time to speak to one of them: Gunn.
Even as shell-shocked as Angel had been, something deep inside had prevented him from seeking Cordelia out. Maybe fearing that she’d talk him out of leaving? — Either way, time, and space was needed to put grieve, and then put himself back together.
And that is what he did, thankfully. But his thoughtless and selfish mistake was remaining in Tibet even after he’d found peace – and a life-changing moment.
Shaking out of his funk, Angel’s thoughts went back to the incident downstairs.
The rebellious light that had flashed in those clear hazel depths just before Cordelia yanked her top over her head had made his voice falter … Then, all rational thought had gone out of the proverbial window.
How he hadn’t hauled her out of there was beyond him. Cordy had always known which buttons to push, and then for her to come up to his sanctuary and start laying down her new laws as he stood there, his darkened eyes constantly flickering from her face to that top and what it concealed still fresh in his mind…
Roughly shaking his head, Angel pulled his thoughts out of the gutter and back to, in his mind, justified anger. He’d wanted to show her just what he thought of her new rules; even then, her beautiful face had been telling him one thing while her body unconsciously reacted to his closeness – especially when he’d unthinkingly crowded her.
Other than those physical signs, Cordelia seemed totally oblivious to his burgeoning feelings and far from interested in him as a male. His lip curled wryly. Maybe her desire to keep him at arms’ length was a blessing in disguise. No chance of temptation to reach out and touch if the woman in his heart couldn’t bear to be in the same room as him.
Even as Angel considered that unpalatable fact, his instincts railed against it, arguing that it wouldn’t take much to ramp up her physical reactions, and hopefully, her feelings. All he needed was the right circumstances. Just the two of them…his room…and an otherwise deserted hotel… but afterward, he knew his underhand tactics would cause him to lose her completely, leaving him with nothing but bitterness, loneliness, and regrets.
If Cordelia Chase wanted her space, then she could have it. He could do that, Angel decided grimly. No more falling over himself to get back into her good books like last time. He could be content with that… couldn’t he? He shook his dark head and walked over to the bed, stretching out on the mattress, and closed his eyes wearily. Only the last time, it hadn’t penetrated his thick skull as to why he’d been so desperate to have her back in his life as more than a friend and his seer.
But it was what Cordy wanted. And if it meant she’d stay – even for just the sake of the mission, he’d be willing to step back and agree to her demands. “Keep lying to yourself, and maybe you’ll start to believe it,” Angel muttered gruffly.
***
Another day dawned. Each passing night all too soon blended into another as Angel went through the motions.
Same old, same old; circle each other warily; keep things pretty much on a professional level… Three days had passed since that confrontation, and eggshells were now the order of the day.
Wes and Gunn continued, oblivious to the tension- or deliberately ignoring it. And the hours dragged. Only yesterday evening, Cordy had had her first vision since his return, and after relishing the intimate contact, even though he inwardly cursed the PTB for her pain, Angel, and the others left her behind to deal with it.
At the time, it had taken all of Angel’s control to rein in his instincts to snatch her back to him when Cordy’s awareness had kicked in, and she’d abruptly pulled away from his embrace. But the moment quickly passed as her trembling voice relayed the information once Wes had stepped in and helped her to a couch.
Blinking slowly, Angel debated whether to stay in bed a little longer. He had good reason; the jagged wound that began at his shoulder and raked across his chest was still red and sore.
When they’d returned last night, she was gone. No tender ministrations and no soothing words. He’d half-listened as Wes spoke to her quietly on the phone. Take it easy. Get some rest. By the time Angel had showered and changed, the lobby was deserted; the only clue to the previous occupancy was the used weapons put aside for cleaning the following day.
****
Angel walked down the stairs, automatically looking towards Cordy’s desk, and frowned when seeing her chair empty. Turning to check the foyer, he noticed Wes, who was perched on a padded stool behind the counter; eyes fixed to the pages of a large, heavy book.
Glancing at the lobby wall clock, Angel’s frown deepened: 2.30 pm. “Where are the others?”
Wes jolted in surprise and looked up, pursing his lips. “Gunn is out seeking information for one of our clients. Good morning, by the way,” He added with a lifted brow. Angel nodded his head, impatient.
“And Cordelia? She’s usually here by now.”
“I suggested she took a day off; not to worry, though. She’ll call if she has a vision.”
Angel’s eyebrows rose as he reached the counter. “Since when does she do that?”
Wes didn’t reply immediately, nor did he look up from his book. But a shimmer of discomfort surrounding his still form.
“Is there something I need to know?” Angel felt his irritation growing by the minute.
Wes let out a heavy sigh. “I’m sorry. We have got used to you not being here to tell of … changes and such.” The vampire froze and then spoke with barely restrained fury.
“I’m back now.”
“I didn’t mean….” His boss paused and looked away.
Angel inwardly cursed, then carefully softened his tone. “Just tell me what’s going on.”
Wes put down the book with care, absently smoothing the faded cloth cover. “I have good reasons for suggesting Cordelia has a break whenever possible.” Hedging, he half rose to lift the book and place it on a nearby table before returning Angel’s steady gaze. “The visions…”
The vampire’s mouth tightened into a thin line. He was fully aware of the pain she suffered when a vision hit – how could he not be? And the guilt that had flared every time.
“Cordelia is finding them more taxing as time goes by, Angel. She looks constantly strained, weary, and frighteningly fragile as time passes. So, Gunn and I, in an attempt to alleviate it, suggested that she rest at home when things are quiet here.” Wes finished quietly.
“I’ve been back over a week, and you’re only telling me now?” Okay, he’d been away three months, but had his friends become so insular that they didn’t think to keep him in the picture?
Wes looked away from those dark, angry eyes with discomfort. “Since you left on your… sabbatical, we have often found it necessary, for the last month, or so, to stay overnight at Cordelia’s. Our worry has grown exponentially.” He rubbed his eyes tiredly. “Rightfully so.” Looking the vampire in the eye, he added, “She’s actually a better actress than we gave her credit for. Good at hiding her suffering.” Angel flinched.
Wes doggedly continued. The vampire may as well know it all, he decided, with not a little apprehension. “One night in particular, Gunn awoke to find her hunched over the sink in the bathroom in pain and tears. Cordelia had been unable to remove the cap from what was, I might add, a prescription painkiller. With a hospital label.”
“She’s been going to the hospital?” Angel reeled in shock. It was worse than the knowledge that Cordy had broken her wrist in his absence. “She hates hospitals,” he muttered distractedly, whilst searching his mind for any clues that he may have missed. Then he grimaced with growing guilt, admitting to himself that her fragility stared him in the face during and after every vision. Almost overcome, the vampire turned away, lost in a vortex threatening to suck him under. After blindly contemplating the marble floor for several minutes, Angel abruptly swivelled on his heel and walked over to grab his leather jacket from the coat stand.
“Angel…” He paused on his way towards the basement but refused to turn around. “I’d prefer you not to confront Cordelia.” Wes cleared his throat uncomfortably when the vampire slowly turned around to face him, his pale face hardened and resolute. But the younger man refused to back down. “She begged us not to breathe a word of this to you,” he quietly added before Angel could speak.
The strained silence stretched between them. Wes managed to keep his gaze steady, determined not to break eye contact.
Angel looked away, his shoulders hunching as he turned and instead headed for the stairs to his suite.
Part 5
Every day seemed to stretch far too long, but today had to be the worst of them, and although the last thing Angel wanted was Cordy to suffer, even more, the dark, ugly part of him half wished she’d have a vision.
Wes and Gunn wouldn’t try to talk him out of checking up on her then, right? Not that they actually could stop him, if he decided to go ahead anyway, but he guessed that his boss would have taken the details over the phone and insisted she rest. Considering their confrontation several days ago, it would probably – no, most definitely, make matters worse if he ignored Wes’ edict.
But there was also the fear of her convulsing and hurting herself with no one to catch her when she fell, that lingered heavily in his mind. Had either of his colleagues considered that scenario? It seemed a lot had changed. Maybe it was time to talk over some not so well-thought-out ideas and actions – including his own.
By the evening, Angel felt like a caged animal, restlessly pacing the almost silent lobby. The camaraderie between the men was stronger than it had been when Angel had fired them and then returned to the fold. He didn’t resent the brother-like vibes between them, and neither had purposely alienated him…. Angel swallowed down the growl of discontent that hovered in his throat; rising to his feet when both men finally exited the office that they’d been ensconced in for the past two hours.
Noting the dark frown on the vampire’s tight features, Wes’ face flushed as he let out a brief apology. He explained it was “loose ends to a case we dealt with whilst you were absent”. He shrugged on his jacket as he spoke. “Well, we’re done for the night, so we thought we’d take ourselves off.” Gunn simply nodded with an amiable expression on his youthful face before heading for the main doors.
Hesitating for a moment and looking a little uncomfortable, Wes finally let out a tired sigh and muttered ‘goodnight’.
“Darts or Grand Theft Auto?” Gunn pulled open the door, smirking when Wes instantly chose darts. “You not still mad at me for beating your skinny ass?” Gunn shook his head, grinning at his friend’s offended expression. “You’re a sore loser, dawg.” Both exited the hotel, arguing amiably as they went.
Angel waited until he heard the truck pull away before grabbing his leather jacket and leaving himself.
*0*0*0*
“What are you doing here?” Cordy defensively stood in the gap of her open door and stared at the vampire with visibly growing irritation.
Angel knew that after the strained atmosphere between them over the past week, him turning up out of the blue was something she’d obviously not imagined happening.
He shifted from one foot to the other, running dark eyes down her frame. Loose sweatpants clung precariously to her hips, topped with an equally baggy and old t-shirt. Fluffy bunny slippers adorned her feet, and under normal circumstances, he would have commented on them.
But this was as far from normal as he could imagine right now. “Um…can I come in?” he finally asked, and a pang of pain hit his gut when Cordy visibly hesitated.
“Sure,” opening the door wider, Cordy waited for him to enter before closing the door quietly behind him, taking a moment to gather her thoughts.
Please, God, don’t let this be another attempt at making up. She cringed at her words; made it sound like they were an estranged couple! They were so far from that.
After taking a deep, calming breath, Cordy finally turned to find him hovering in the centre of her lounge. His face gave nothing away, and that made her more nervous. “Anything wrong? Are the guys okay?” she finally asked, breaking the tense silence.
Angel turned to face her, shaking his head. “No, yes, they …. Everything’s fine.” As he said that last word, his earlier grievances came crashing to the surface.
Wes had asked – no; demanded he say nothing about her state of health, but Angel was beyond caring about etiquette right now – not when it came to his seer. “I can’t say the same thing for you, though, can I, Cordelia?” his voice came out a little harsher than he intended.
He watched silently as the colour fled, and her full lips tightened into a thin line.
“Angel….” Cordy rubbed her face wearily, inwardly cursing her flappy-mouthed boss. “It’s none of your-”
Less than a blink of an eye, the vampire towered over her, invading her personal space and setting off all her alarms. Instinctively, she stepped back, only to be brought up short.
“Don’t do this, Cordy. Don’t shut me out… I may be able to help you, but not if you keep me in the dark…” instant wariness on her face at his words tempered his grip, and he stepped back a little to give her more room.
Cordy’s mouth trembled slightly, but her stormy eyes refused to drop from his. “Why? What are you gonna do? Find a way to take them away? Forget it.” All anger fled as quickly as it flared; she was just too tired to fight with him right now.
“I have nothing to say to you,” she added with finality, her voice almost a thread of sound. Angel’s eyes narrowed with irritation and something she couldn’t read before she was abruptly released.
“Well, I’m not leaving until you have,” Angel moved over and sat on the couch, stretching out and making himself comfortable.
*0*0*0*
Cordy owned seventy-two books and fifteen glass ornaments. Thirty-eight of the books were, as she called them, trashy romances. At least twelve of the other books were his.
Along with that, there were also five framed photos… and a small stain on the rug in front of the couch, which looked suspiciously like spilled blood. Seemed like he’d made his mark in her life after all.
One of the glass ornaments had been damaged a while back. Although it had been superglued to near perfection, Angel knew which one it was – as he himself had broken and fixed it.
He shifted in his seat on the couch and looked towards the kitchen, where his seer had spent the last two hours. From the lack of sound, besides her breathing and the faint beat of her heart, he knew she remained in the chair she’d deliberately scraped across the linoleum when first entering with an annoyed huff of air.
Heaving a weary sigh, Angel finally rose from the couch and entered her sanctuary. As he pulled out a seat, Cordy instantly stood up, but was halted by the hand on her arm.
“I’m tired, Angel.” She looked up at him, annoyance flashing in those almost amber eyes. “You can stay here if you like, but I’m going to bed.” She tugged at her arm and then glared up at him when he refused to let go.
“You go ahead and burn me to hell with those eyes, Cordelia, but we are going to talk.” Angel stared her down until, with a low growl, she sank back in her seat. Then she stared pointedly at her still-captured arm.
Angel released her reluctantly; his body tensing as he waited for her to make a run for it. She surprised him by instead folding her arms and staring at a point beyond his left ear.
Cordy’s head was a whirl. How much had Wes told the vampire? Okay…deep breath – no! No deep breaths with detecto-vamp around, dammit. A pity she couldn’t regulate her heartbeat, she thought, realizing Angel couldn’t fail to hear it thumping a rapid tattoo. Her eyes turned inwards, and she mentally ticked off all her boss knew of the sorry state of her head right now; then she relaxed marginally.
He’d accepted her explanation of a couple of hospital appointments. It wasn’t unheard of for people to visit hospitals for migraine problems, was it? She reasoned feverishly. The more Cordy recalled Wes’ limited knowledge of it all, the calmer she became.
“What do you want to know?” she finally broke the taut silence, holding back a smile of triumph at the surprise in his dark eyes. He obviously hadn’t expected her to give in so quickly.
Angel took a deep breath and eyed the brunette facing him. Her capitulation surprised him, but that didn’t last long. He’d spent too many years with Cordy to believe it could be so easy…and that worried him more than he wanted to admit.
“How long have you been taking prescribed medicine?” Cordy’s eyes dropped for a second, unfolding her arms and resting hands, palm-flat, on the tabletop. Then she looked up to catch his gaze. It wasn’t like she thought Angel wouldn’t go for the jugular. This knowledge of his way helped balance her out.
All she had to do now was keep calm and recite what she’d told her equally concerned boss. “A month or two,” she watched him digest her reply, waiting tensely for his next question. A small fib wouldn’t make that much difference.
“The…pain,” Angel struggled for words for a second. “It’s getting too much for you to handle,” he didn’t ask, just stating the obvious – to him.
Cordy sighed dramatically and raised a brow. “Angel… the pain has never been easy. You know that.” He cringed at the matter-of-fact way she spoke – almost condescending. And she had every right.
Of course, the pain was bad. Her convulsing body in his arms told him that every single time he held her. The wrenching sobs sometimes echoed in his mind for hours after – but this had to do with post-vision pain too. For months, he’d half-acknowledged that Cordy continued to suffer after a vision; longer each time, but he’d ignored it to a point. And he knew why.
A big part of him feared what it meant, and it was easier to push it down and not think too closely about it. “Yes, I know that,” he agreed tightly; then leaned forward, causing her to pull back her hands and move back. “But since when have you needed hospital treatment for them?” he added softly.
She’d been ready for that, but still tightly pursed her lips and waited a few seconds. Answering too quickly would just make him more suspicious than he already was.
“My doctor referred me. With bad migraine sufferers, that’s usually their next option when the medication they give doesn’t help.” Cordy kept her hands deliberately limp. Any sign of nerves, and he’d see right through her. “It’s not like I can tell him the real deal.” A small smile flitted across her face.
“Now you know, and can sleep soundly at night, day; whatever,” she shrugged. “So, can we stop with the third degree already?” The smile widened for a moment, but her eyes were cool- and weary. “It’s late, and I’m exhausted, Angel,” she reminded him, pointedly glancing at the wall clock, which showed it was way past midnight now. “Not all of us keep your hours, remember.”
Pushing back her chair, Cordy rose to her feet, in readiness to show the vampire out. And then would make sure her hospital notes were better hidden in case he decided to turn up again and snoop around.
“What medication are you taking- and has the hospital found out anything about these… migraines?” she glared sullenly at the large hand that had latched onto her wrist. Didn’t he ever get the hint? How many ways could she tell the irritating manpire that his company was unwelcome?
“Just a stronger migraine medication called Ubrogepant– and they have no idea what’s causing them” she lied effortlessly; “and what’s with the twenty questions, anyway- and why the sudden interest in my health?” the vampire visibly flinched at her abrupt question. In her eyes, it must seem odd that he waited until now to openly question her ability to deal with the visions.
Pulling his thoughts together, he finally looked her in the eye. “Things are getting worse, and you kept it from me,” he replied baldly. Cordy drew herself up and tugged her wrist from his loosened grasp, folding her arms tightly across her chest.
“I’ve never hidden it from you- convulsions, screaming…not really in a position mid-vision to hide the effects. Besides…you weren’t exactly approachable the last few months,” She stated just as baldly. This was getting from bad to worse, and Cordy wanted him gone; things were going to be said, and she really wasn’t in the mood for more arguments.
Angel had to stifle the urge to pull away and curl up in shame at her too-casual words. He swallowed several times, then concentrated fully as she continued on.
“So the pain is…bad. We both knew that from day one. I deal. I’m on the best medication for it, but it makes me feel really sleepy, okay?” stepping back away from the table, Cordy rubbed a hand across her face.
“Look, if it bugs you, you can pay for them.” A deep sigh left her at his instant nod of agreement. The drugs were new on the market, and the cost had forced her, more often than not, to buy fewer groceries and new clothes. Fortunately for her, Angel always stocked up food at the hotel, for nights when they were run off their feet and ended up staying over.
“I can’t understand why it’s now such an issue with you – and I don’t want to know why,” she doggedly continued as his mouth opened at her words; her jaw tightened with annoyance. “I just want to go to bed and catch up on my sleep. You’re not helping things by taking that away from me.”
She has a point. Angel instantly rose fluidly to his feet.
He couldn’t get over the feeling that she was hiding some things from him. His instincts were rarely wrong. Why else would Wes think that her visions were much worse than at the beginning of all this? He’d been there too… with no gaps in-between. He raked a hand roughly through his hair. And the guilt trip grew by the second.
“If the visions are getting too much for you, we are gonna have to-”
“I never said they were, so back off,” she interrupted hotly. “It’s you getting all-all guilty and doing your trademark protecto-vamp thing. But it’s MY life we’re talking about here, and I don’t need you in my face telling me what YOU want, okay?” Angel reared back and attempted to refute her words, but they stuck in his throat when her hand rose sharply and made a silencing motion.
Taking a deep breath, she let it out and forced herself to relax before skirting the table, coming to a halt a few feet away from the vampire. She met his eyes with firm resolve.
“What’s a bit of pain now and then, when people’s lives are on the line, huh? If I can take it, then that’s all that matters. Now my bed is calling, so can we not continue this conversation?” She released a soft sigh and turned away.
“I’m done here. Good night, Angel.”
And don’t let the door hit your ass on the way out. The unsaid words were punctuated with the measured retreat of her disappearing figure as she left the kitchen and the loud click of her bedroom door as it closed.
*0*0*0*
Cordy wasn’t sure what threw her the most: the fact that Angel had turned up out of the blue, or the reasons behind it.
She wanted – needed to believe that it was purely out of concern- but a small self-pitying part of her, along with her past insecurities pushing their way back, yammered away in the back of her mind:
It didn’t bother him enough when he swanned off…. No…. That was unfair. He was a broken shell when he left. Damn it! … Why can’t I be allowed to wallow without feeling like a class-A bitch?
As she tossed and turned, punching her pillow with weary aggression, the thoughts became louder and louder. Is that all it was? Angel wanting things the way they were? Hating her cold-shoulder attitude and trying anything to get back into her good books – to make things easier for him?
Even as the thought crossed her mind, her cheeks flushed in pure shame.
Okay, things may be more than she could bear right now, and he obviously wasn’t as invested in their friendship as she was – was, being the operative word. Maybe it was time to face facts and accept that he was just a colleague. Someone she was supernaturally bound to due to these bone-crunching visions that were slowly-
Abruptly, Cordy sat upright. That word was not allowed. Doctors make mistakes all the time… “I mean, why would the PTB want to *blah* a seer? They weren’t exactly two a penny, were they”?
She slumped back down and forced her rapid breathing to settle. Her eyes had enough lines in the corners without adding sleepless night-bags too. Drawing in a deep, cleansing breath, she pulled the blankets up to her chin began counting sheep… when that didn’t work, shoes took over, and soon her brain closed down and her body finally relaxed.
It didn’t bother him enough when he swanned off…. No…. That was unfair. He was a broken shell when he left. Damn it! … Why can’t I be allowed to wallow without feeling like a class-A bitch?
As she tossed and turned, punching her pillow with weary aggression, the thoughts became louder and louder. Is that all it was? Angel wanting things the way they were? Hating her cold-shoulder attitude and trying anything to get back into her good books – to make things easier for him?
Even as the thought crossed her mind, her cheeks flushed in pure shame.
Okay, things may be more than she could bear right now, and he obviously wasn’t as invested in their friendship as she was – was, being the operative word. Maybe it was time to face facts and accept that he was just a colleague. Someone she was supernaturally bound to due to these bone-crunching visions that were slowly-
Abruptly, Cordy sat upright. That word was not allowed. Doctors make mistakes all the time… “I mean, why would the PTB want to blah me? – a seer? They aren’t exactly two a penny, are they”?
She slumped back down and forced her rapid breathing to settle. Her eyes had enough lines in the corners without adding sleepless night-bags too. Drawing in a deep, cleansing breath, she pulled the blankets up to her chin began counting sheep… when that didn’t work, shoes took over, and soon her brain closed down, and her body finally relaxed.