Part 9
Cordelia groaned into her pillow. The throbbing in her head hadn’t eased. Her pills, her real pain killers, were stashed in a drawer. They would dull the pain and make it bearable but Brian’s presence made taking them complicated.
There would be questions. Questions she wouldn’t answer, couldn’t answer. The jackhammers inside her skull and trying to figure out how to take her pills without Brian seeing did serve to distract her from the weirdness of having Brian in Angel’s suite.
It was kind of sweet having someone fuss over her after a vision, someone corporeal. Dennis was great too but he didn’t have arms to carry her. She didn’t have to pick herself up off the floor after Wesley, Gunn and Angel left.
It also had its disadvantages, aside from the pills. She needed that short period of time when she could let her mask fall and not hide the pain. She didn’t have to be strong for Dennis. She let him see what the visions were slowly doing to her. Angel, Wesley and Gunn couldn’t know. Now she had to be strong for Brian too.
“Are you sure there isn’t anything I can do for you?” He couldn’t stand to see her in pain. He hadn’t known Cordelia for very long but the look in her eyes when he picked her up was gut-wrenching.
He understood why her friends were so protective. He would do almost anything to take her pain away. The overwhelming need to make her eyes sparkle again shot through him. “Would you like something to eat?”
Her stomach lurched at the thought. “No thank you.” An idea finally came to her. “Could you go downstairs and get me a bottle of water from the mini-fridge and a couple of aspirin?”
“It’s only been 15 minutes since you took some. You have to give it time to kick in.”
She rolled her eyes. He was sweet but he needed to leave her alone for a few minutes. “I’ve been having visions for awhile. I can handle a couple more aspirin. Please?”
“Of course.”
“The bottle is behind the counter.”
“I’ll be right back.”
She waited until the outer door closed before rolling off the bed. She resisted the urge to crawl and stood on shaky legs. “Those PTB’s totally suck.” She shook the bottle. Two large white pills rested in her palm. She popped them in her mouth and swallowed them dry.
Once the bottle was back in its hiding place, she shuffled back to bed. The mask could fall until Brian returned with the aspirin she didn’t need.
***
Murder, carnage, bloodshed, pain, rage… jealousy, a storm of emotions and ideas swept through him. Another man, an intruder, a thief was sitting on the edge of HIS bed while HIS WIFE lie sleeping in HIS bed.
Angel stilled. Every instinct demanded a different action. The trespass could NOT be ignored. No one could possibly expect him NOT to react to this.
“How is she?”
Angel looked at Wesley like he’d just been stabbed in the back. The former watcher was completely calm except for the slight concern in his tone. His voice remained soft so as not to wake Cordelia. She needed to be woken up. He wanted answers. He wanted to know by what fucking right Brian was in THEIR bedroom.
“She just fell asleep.” Brian carefully stood, careful not to shake the bed. “Now that you’re back I guess I’ll be going.”
“Thank you for looking after her. We hate leaving her here alone but the mission requires it.”
“Plus I’d kick your asses if you didn’t go save the stupid teenagers.” Cordelia sat up startling the men. “What? Do I have bed hair?” She grinned as her eyes scanned her returning warriors for any signs of injury.
Her gaze stopped on Angel. “You’re hurt. Wes, can you go get the first aid kit? I think it’s behind the counter. You,” she pointed at the injured vampire, “sit down and show me where it hurts.”
“Cordelia, you should be resting.”
She waved away Brian’s concerns. “I’m fine.”
Brian couldn’t believe the transformation. Gone was the pained expression she wore in her sleep. If he hadn’t seen her cry out in vision pain, he would think there was nothing wrong with her.
Cordelia planted her hands on her hips. “Why are you still standing?” She was shocked by the look in Angel’s eyes. He looked angry. “Angel?” Fear crept up her spine. Being seriously hurt usually made him angry. She quickly crossed the room, her hands reaching to check his body for gaping wounds.
He stepped back. “I’m fine.”
“You are not. Stop being such a dumbass and sit.” She smirked. “Unless it’s your backside that’s injured. You’re not embarrassed to show me where it hurts, are you?”
“My backside is fine, as is the rest of me.” Angel winced when he tried to remove his jacket.
“Sure you are.” She turned to Gunn for some answers. “What happened? What’s the dork’s problem?” Her eyes widened. “None of the teenagers were hurt, were they? You guys stopped the ritual? You killed the demon? What aren’t you telling me?”
“Damn Barbie. You gotta take a breath. Give a brother a chance to answer.”
“Sorry.”
“We didn’t stop the ritual because some vamp that will go unnamed didn’t put much effort into stopping it. Once the demon was summoned, the teens ran while Wes and I stood there and watched supervamp tear the thing to shreds. I didn’t even get to take one swing at it. It’s just not right.” He shook his head in Angel’s direction.
“You know now that your soul is permanent you might want to think about getting laid. It might relieve some of that tension you got goin’ on. At least then I’d get to fight.”
Cordelia folded her arms defensively. “You look tired, Gunn. Go home.”
“Yeah I just wanted to see if you were okay before I called it a night.” He observed her hostile glare. “And I see you’re fine, so I’ll be going.” He passed Wes in the doorway. “Later.”
“Goodnight Charles.”
“Angel, sit your ass down right now.” She nearly shrieked when he finally moved to obey. “Not there! You’ll get blood on my blankets. Go sit on the couch… and don’t sit on any of my throw pillows!”
Angel grumbled under his breath as he walked into the outer room and sat down on the couch. The fact that Cordelia had barely acknowledged Brian’s presence in their room helped to soothe his anger.
“You’re such a baby.” She accepted the first aid kit from Wesley. “Thanks. You should go home and get some rest. No more research for you tonight, mister.”
“I must admit standing around watching Angel fight was rather exhausting.” He frowned at vampire on the couch. “I would like to discuss your behavior this evening.”
Cordelia stepped between them. “It can wait until morning.”
“Cordelia, I’d like to remind you that I am the boss. If I want to..”
“Wes, don’t even pull that shit with me tonight. I have a headache. The vision has been handled. Our working day has officially ended. Go home. Get some sleep. You can yell at him in the morning.”
There was no point in arguing with her. He never won. “Very well. I’ll see you in the morning.”
“Goodnight Boss.” She smiled sweetly.
“You stole the words right out of my mouth.” Wesley gave a parting smile before closing the door behind him.
Cordelia walked over to Angel. “Let’s get the coat off.” She gently pushed the leather off his shoulders. “Quit whining. You’re such a baby.”
“It hurts.”
“What happened to “I’m fine”?” She dropped to her knees and began unbuttoning his shirt. She could see the spots where his black shirt looked wet, knowing it was blood soaked. She bit her lip.
Angel hooked a finger under her chin and raised it. “I’m fine.”
She nodded slightly.
Brian finally snapped out of the haze he’d been in. He felt like he was intruding. “I guess I should go too.” His voice sounded so loud and out of place, even to his own ears.
Cordelia spun around. She’d forgotten he was still there. “I’m sorry. These guys come back from a vision and I go into my nurse mode.” She tried to lighten the mood. “Normally I change into a nurse outfit complete with a little white hat but I fell asleep.”
His eyes widened in shock. “I’m kidding. You know me, quirky sense of humor girl.” She braced her hands on Angel’s knees and stood, ignoring his grunt of pain at the pressure. “Thank you for taking care of me tonight.”
She hooked her arm with Brian’s and began walking him to the door. “It saved me from having to crawl up the stairs which is hell on my knees.” Her smile faded at his horrified expression. “There I go again, making with the funnies. Goodnight Brian.” She leaned in to kiss his cheek but his head turned slightly to capture her lips. She sighed into the kiss. He really was a good kisser.
“I’ll call you tomorrow. We can discuss that rain check.”
She smiled. “I’d like that.”
“Goodnight Cordelia.” He glanced over her shoulder. “Bye Angel.” He didn’t wait for a response.
Cordelia closed the door. “Do you think I should’ve walked him to the front door?”
“…”
She turned. “Angel?” She was startled by his expression. The anger was back making her fear return. “If you’re seriously hurt, you are so in for an ass kicking.” She crossed the room, Brian and her headache forgotten. She finished unbuttoning his shirt.
He kept fidgeting, still angry about the kiss. “I said I was fine.”
She finally managed to get him undressed from the waist up. There were four long gashes along his torso but none were very deep. They had already begun to heal. “You’re whining about these.. scratches? You’re such a baby.” She opened the kit and set to work.
“You call these scratches? They’re at least eight inches long and..”
“Pfft. They barely broke the skin.” She gently applied the ointment that only worked on living flesh.
“Excuse me? Did you see all the blood? They were deep. You were just so busy sucking face that they’ve already begun to heal.” Hazel eyes full of hurt looked up at him. He tried to hold on to his anger but he couldn’t stand seeing her hurt, especially by him. “I’m sorry. I’m just a little cranky tonight.”
She concentrated on bandaging his wounds and not the smooth firm chest her fingers were touching. “Is that because you didn’t stop the ritual before it happened?”
“Umm.” Angel hadn’t actually made the conscious decision to wait for the demon to be summoned. However an argument could be made that the ritual may have been stopped if he’d tried a little harder. He’d been itching for a fight and beating up the teenagers wasn’t the kind of scare Wesley had in mind for them.
It wasn’t Angel’s fault though. He wasn’t the one who summoned the demon and he did rip it to shreds once it arrived. No one but him even got close enough to the demon to get hurt. “Yes?”
“Are you asking me or telling me?” She taped the last bandage into place. “Is that it?”
“…”
“Where else?”
He was grateful vampires couldn’t blush. “It’s nothing.”
“Let’s see this nothing.”
He struggled over what to do but he knew she wouldn’t take no for an answer. Seeing her flustered could make his possible embarrassment well worth it.
Cordelia leaned back on her heels as he stood. She swallowed the planet-sized lump that formed when he unbuckled his pants and let them fall to the floor.
He pointed to the long red slash that almost ran the whole length of his right thigh. It was practically healed already. “I told you it was nothing.” He bit his lip and begged his body not to respond as her fingertips hesitantly inspected the wound.
She could feel the heat rising to her cheeks, all questions about the fight flew out of her mind. She shook off her embarrassment. She was being ridiculous. This was hardly the first time she’d seen him in this state of undress. She’d bandaged his leg wounds before. There was no reason for her hands to keep shaking.
He abruptly sat down when his body would no longer not react to her touch. “It’s not even bleeding anymore. I don’t think it will need a bandage.” His hands twitched with the urge to pull her onto his lap.
He needed to distract himself or he’d throw caution to the wind and just take her. He bent to remove his boots. The gashes on his torso reminded him why bending was a very bad idea. Pain, pain was a good distraction.
“Let me do that.” Keeping her hands busy would prevent her from staring. She removed his boots, allowing his pants to slide free. She took off his socks leaving him clad only in his boxers. The sight did nothing to prevent staring.
The urge to slap herself bubbled up. She was being ridiculous. What happened in the bathroom was an aberration. There was nothing going on between her and Angel. There was no sexual tension. It was all in her imagination. “Let’s go to bed.” She hated blushing. She was not a blushy person. So what the hell was wrong with her lately?
“That sounded a lot different in my head.”
Angel hoped his pained expression resembled a smile. It was as if some higher power decided he hadn’t been tortured enough lately. He nearly groaned. He had so many new things to be punished for. He had to pay the price for his so-called beige period, but he couldn’t think about that now. Cordelia didn’t know.
She couldn’t know. “How’s your head?” Walking away from their current position was not an option. Silk boxers did nothing to cover his erection. He concentrated on Cordelia’s changing expression, keeping his hands folded in his lap. He had to break eye contact when the urge to hold her started to overwhelm him again.
“It’s fine. The vision has been taken care of and the aspirin I took are finally kicking in. Taking a short nap helped too.”
“Brian took good care of you?” He forced the words out.
“He tried. I think seeing a vision kind of freaked him out. You know when Doyle had the visions there was brief concern. With me, it’s like everyone goes into overprotective mode, especially lately. I miss the days when Wesley nagged me about having them more often. Do you think it’s because I’m a girl? You know having breasts doesn’t mean I’m not tough. I’m tough. I can totally kick.. Wesley’s ass; which I know isn’t saying much.” She gave him a cheeky grin.
He cradled her face in both hands. “I..We don’t like leaving you here to pick yourself up off the floor.”
Cordelia covered his hands with hers. “Now that you’re around to catch me, I won’t have to.” She was amazed the words came out without a trace of bitterness in them.
His gaze dropped to her lips, perfect lips curled into a beautiful smile. He watched as her tongue darted out to wet them, fascinated by the tempting pink tongue. “I won’t let you fall.” He slowly dipped his head as if he was being pulled by some invisible force.
You’re too late, she silently thought as her eyes drifted shut. Her unspoken words sent terror straight to her heart making her jerk her head back.
Angel’s hands instinctively reached out to pull her back to him but he forced them to stop.
“Do you need some blood?” she spoke cheerily, as if they hadn’t almost kissed. The truth would have shaken her to her knees if she hadn’t already been on them. “I can heat some up for you.”
“No thanks.” Her rejection had sufficiently killed his arousal allowing him to stand. “Some sleep is all I’ll need to heal.”
She watched him walk into the bedroom, closing the glass doors behind him. She cursed herself as she put the first aid kit back together. Her night seemed to get more confusing with each passing minute. First there was the backrub in the tub then they shared a moment outside the restaurant and now she nearly kissed him.
It was insane. She was insane. There was NO way she was in love with Angel.
The very idea was crazy, laughable really. She would never be stupid enough to fall in love with Angel. She wouldn’t do that to herself. Tragic love did NOT appeal to her. She was willing to admit that she was attracted to him. Who wouldn’t be? Angel was a total hottie but love was so not happening. Yeah she loved him but she loved him like she loved Wes and Gunn.
“So is Angel like a brother too?”
“Eww no. That’d be gross.”
Maybe her feelings for Angel weren’t exactly like they were for Wes and Gunn, but that didn’t mean she was IN love with him. Her relationship with Angel was just complicated. Being married only it made it more confusing. She just needed to make it through the whole 40 nights and everything would be fine. She would have her space back. Things would become clearer. She would never again wake up in Angel’s arms.
Her comforting thoughts failed to comfort her. She stood. The throbbing in her head helped to distract her from her comforting thoughts. She glanced down realizing she was still wearing the outfit Angel had bought her. The idea of burning it was dismissed as quickly as it occurred to her. She opened the doors and went straight to the dresser, refusing to look at the bed. She gathered a change of clothes and went into the bathroom.
Angel opened his eyes the moment the door closed. He felt like a yoyo. One minute he was ready to fight for her and the next he was willing to let her go. One minute he felt like she wanted him as much as he wanted her and the next she looked like she knew that she deserved better than him. One minute he was ready to follow Lorne’s advice and the next he remembered he wasn’t the better man for her.
One minute he was trying to be happy for her and Brian and the next he wanted to tear the bastard limb from limb. He remembered love being painful but he didn’t remember it being so confusing. Back then he knew what was right and what was wrong. It was only a matter of choosing.
Now he had no idea what was right. As much as he wanted to believe telling Cordelia he loved her was the right thing to do, he couldn’t be sure. He didn’t deserve her. He would never deserve her. As much as he thought standing aside and letting Cordelia be with a normal guy was the right thing to do, he couldn’t seem to accept it.
If that bastard was the right guy for her then why did she look at him with desire? Granted those occasions were rare but they existed. He hadn’t imagined them. How could giving up without a fight be the right thing to do?
He closed his eyes when he heard the door start to open. He listened to Cordelia move around the room and eventually settle in beside him. Pretending to be asleep was an easy feat for a vampire. Plus it enabled him to avoid a confrontation while still getting to hold her in his arms.
He rolled onto his side facing her back. After a few moments hesitation, he draped his arm around her waist. Her heart began to race but she didn’t move it or try to wake him up. Once her pulse began to slow, he pulled her back against his chest and buried his nose in her hair.
*I really am a bastard.*
***
Angel woke up spooned around Cordelia’s body. Her rhythmic breathing confirmed she was still asleep. Pretending to be asleep so he could hold her was definitely dishonest bordering on pathetic but then again he’d already been dishonest about more important matters.
The sobering thought forced him from the comfort of her body. He had no right to enjoy her warmth. He wearily headed into the bathroom.
He removed the bandages revealing flawless skin. Cordelia took care of him like no one else ever had. The remembrance of telling a dream Darla that she took care of him flashed through his mind. His sire had taken care of him in a sick twisted sort of way, but she was never what he needed. He wished he could turn back time.
If he hadn’t pushed Cordelia away, he might be able to believe he was good for her. He’d never believe he was good enough for her but he would have been capable of making her happy. Now one lie, one truth being revealed could shatter his world. “I really hate being a yoyo.”
***
Wesley turned the light in his office on. He was startled by the presence of a brooding vampire in his chair. “Angel, what are you doing in the dark?”
“Thinking.”
“About last night perhaps?” He placed a book he’d brought from home on his desk. “I would like to discuss your behavior but first I’d like you to remove yourself from my chair.”
Angel stood. “Old habits die hard.” He walked around the desk and sat down.
Wesley needed to be in boss mode if he was going to follow through with his decision. There were times when he really didn’t want to be the boss. It would be so much simpler to sit on the other side of the desk. He sat down in the boss’s chair before continuing.
“Angel, the ritual could have been stopped last night had you shown your vampire features as I asked. Those teenagers didn’t believe demons existed. They didn’t truly believe the ritual would work. One look at your fangs would have sent them screaming into the night, thereby stopping the ritual from being completed.”
“…”
“Because of your hesitation, the demon was summoned.”
“And I killed it, danger averted.”
“Yes. I’d like to discuss that as well.”
“The demon rose and I killed it. What more is there to say?”
“How about the method in which you killed it? I actually felt sorry for that demon last night. You tore it apart.”
“I had to kill it. That’s why we were there.”
“Yes but you didn’t go for the kill. You had ample opportunities. You purposely dragged that fight out.”
“I..”
“Gunn and I watched you since we had little else to do. I saw you smile, Angel.” Wesley removed his glasses and began polishing them furiously. “Is there anything I should be aware of?”
“I may have gone overboard in the fight but I’m not evil or beige.”
“I noticed your reaction upon our return as well.”
“…”
“Brian’s presence bothered you. I imagine leaving him here to care for Cordelia is the reason behind your need to dismember something.”
“…”
“I’m not blind, Angel. I’m not stupid either. I’ve tried to remain silent about your recent behavior towards Cordelia. I was confident you wouldn’t allow the situation to cloud your judgment too badly. Perhaps I was wrong.”
“…”
“I realize you’re in a difficult position. Your instincts as a vampire only serve to exacerbate the existing problem. Cordelia is precious to us. I know you don’t want to see her hurt. Brian could potentially be the right man for her. She deserves the chance to figure that out on her own.”
“…”
“This isn’t about blame. You didn’t create this situation. You’re as much a victim as Cordelia is.”
Angel had gone from angry to defensive to resigned to hopelessly confused. “I am?”
“Of course. The bond is affecting you both. I had hoped this wouldn’t be the case and the bond would have no side effects unless it was completed. Apparently I was wrong. The effects for you are amplified by you being a vampire. Your possessiveness is in response to the artificial feelings that the bond has created. I suspect it’s a built-in clause, almost like a self-fulfilling prophecy. The bond is trying to force you to complete it.”
“So you’re saying that you don’t blame me?”
“No I don’t. As an impartial observer, I can see what you can’t. Your eagerness to regain her friendship only further clouded your judgment. Now that I’ve pointed out to you what’s happening, I’m counting on you to act more rationally.”
“And being in love with Cordelia would be completely irrational?”
“For you, yes. You’re hardly an appropriate choice for Cordelia. If either Gunn or I thought you were truly in love with her, we’d… That’s neither here nor there. There’s no point in any unpleasantness.”
Angel knew Wesley’s theory was complete and total crap. Lorne would have told him if the bond was affecting his emotions. Besides now that he admitted to himself that he was in love with Cordelia, he was also willing to admit it was a long time coming. He couldn’t pinpoint the exact moment he’d started falling in love with her.
It’d been too easy to mask his feelings with words like family and friendship. Although those words applied to their relationship too, his feelings for Cordelia were unlike anything he’d ever experienced. No familial title seemed appropriate except wife, which is why none had ever been assigned even in his thoughts. He’d do almost anything for a friend.
He’d had so few in his long life but he’d never venture into the ninth circle of hell otherwise known as the mall for any friend other than Cordelia.
Maybe if the friend was already at the mall and he had a reason to believe they were in mortal danger, he would go in that extreme case but there would be absolutely no shopping done on his part. He was in love with Cordelia and the bond had nothing to do with it. Being in love with her was no longer what scared him, figuring out what to do about it was.
“If either Gunn or I thought you were truly in love with her, we’d… That’s neither here nor there. There’s no point in any unpleasantness.”
Of course there was no reason Wesley needed to know that just yet. Angel was still in yoyo phase. Figuring out how Cordelia felt would be a lot easier if Wesley remained in the dark. “That explains a lot, Wes. I should’ve known my attraction towards Cordelia was because of the bond.”
“Just try to remember that except for your feelings of friendship, everything else isn’t real.”
He could barely form the words but he needed Wesley to be convinced his theory was right. “You bet. How could I go from being in love with Buffy to falling in love with Cordelia? It had to be magic.”
“Well I hardly think…” Wesley froze.
“Don’t let me interrupt. Please continue.”
Angel squeezed his eyes shut. If he didn’t turn around, if he didn’t look at Cordelia, she wouldn’t really be there; she could NOT have heard him say that.
This wasn’t the lie he feared might shatter his world.