Part 5
Angel felt himself being pulled from slumber. He fought against it not wanting to leave his wonderful dream. Cordy had just told him she loved him and asked him to make love to her. His resistance evaporated when he felt a warm hand stroke his face. He opened his eyes to find sparkling hazel eyes trained on him. “Morning.”
“Good Morning”
“How long have you been watching me?”
“Awhile. You look so sweet when you’re sleeping. You have the cutest little snore.”
“I do NOT snore.”
“I beg to disagree.”
With a sly grin, he wrapped an arm around her waist and pulled her close. “mmmm begging. It has a nice ring to it. What else..”
“Don’t even finish that question. Cordelia Chase..Murphy does NOT beg. If anyone is going to do any begging, it’s you.”
“Oh really? You seem pretty confident.”
“I am.”
“Why’s that?”
She whispered in his ear. “Seer’s intuition.”
He lifted her chin for a kiss but she pulled away. “What’s wrong?”
“It’s time for you to get up.”
He tightened his grip around her waist. “Why?”
“We have group in 30 minutes.”
“What? No wake up call yet. We still have time.”
“I cancelled it.”
“What? Why?”
“Because you were up late overreacting. I thought I should let you sleep in.”
“No. I can sleep when we go home. I wanted..umm..I thought…we..that is..”
“Why don’t you work on that in the shower?”
“We could work on it together.”
“I showered already. In case you haven’t noticed, I’m dressed.”
He frowned. His gaze drifted down her body. He finally noticed the blouse and jeans she wore. “Oh. You should have woken me up sooner.”
“I’m sorry. I figured you were tired. You did manage to sleep through my getting up, calling the front desk, taking a shower and getting dressed.”
“I was having a good dream.”
“Was I in it?”
“Yes”
“What was I doing?”
“This” He pulled her in for a kiss.
She pushed him onto his back and straddled his waist. She tilted his head to deepen the kiss. He grabbed her hips and slid them down to press her to his arousal. She instinctively ground against his hardness. She broke the kiss to gasp for air.
“Can’t we skip group?” He thrust up into her center. “They probably won’t even miss us.”
Her teeth release his earlobe. “We have a case to solve.”
He rolled them over and settled between her legs. “Forget the case.” He continued his gentle thrusting. “I need you.”
*Need. Dammit! I’m never going to be able to give in if he keeps reminding me he doesn’t love me.* “Angel, we’re here for a reason. Jason and Jennifer are missing. Wesley said we needed to do as we’re told to attract the right attention. People are counting on us.”
“Fine but we are finishing this later.”
She arched a brow. “Did you just demand sex from me? I’m not one of your chippies!”
“No. You’re my wife.”
“So?”
“I thought we made up last night.”
“We did.” She added in a whisper, “We’re friends again.”
He wanted to scream, to shake her or at least tear her clothes off to make her acknowledge his love. “Fine. I’ll take a shower. Alone. A very cold shower.”
Cordelia blew out a frustrated breath after the door slammed shut. “Good job Cor!” *I have to stop with the mixed signals. If he would just stop using the word ‘need’, I might be able to go through with it. God Angel if you can’t tell me you love me then just don’t say anything. I can’t give myself to you when your words keep slapping me!*
***
“I have one final exercise before we end today’s session.”
Cordelia grumbled to herself. She began the day by making Angel mad and then she got to listen to women talk about why they don’t trust their husbands. She had to concentrate so she wouldn’t nod her head when one woman complained how emotionally closed off her husband is. She found herself wanting to shout ‘Amen’ a number of times.
She wanted to solve this case so she could get back to reality. Then maybe she and Angel could slow things down. Just because he wasn’t in love with her now didn’t mean he couldn’t fall in love with her later. They could try dating. She was startled from her reverie by Angel’s thumb stroking her lower back left bare by her low rise jeans.
“Ask yourselves when was the last time you kissed your spouse. I mean really kissed. Not a goodbye kiss. Not a kiss to initiate or during sex. A true, intimate kiss. For the next twenty minutes, I’d like you to relearn each other’s mouth. No wandering hands. Just an emotional exchange. Let your love communicate through the kiss. Don’t be embarrassed. Everyone will be too busy to be watching you. My fellow counselors and I will be in the next room. We’ll be back when the exercise is over. If you feel uncomfortable taking part, please feel free to leave. This will be the last part of today’s session.”
Cordelia’s eyes locked with Angel’s. She gulped. *You can do this. You can remain in control. You can kiss him and not beg him to make love to you. Remember you want to take things slow.*
Angel felt the room spin. *How am I supposed to kiss Cordelia for so long and not ravage her right here in front of everyone?*
“You may begin.”
Cordelia fidgeted. “Maybe we should skip this one. I mean..it’s weird to be making out in front of other people. I feel like a teenager at a makeout party.”
Angel edged closer. “They didn’t have parties like that when I was a teen.” He reached up to cradle her neck. His gaze dropped to her lips. He pulled her closer, his mouth inches away from hers. “We could go but for the sake of the case we must follow Bob’s directions.” He claimed her lips before she could argue.
Cordelia could feel her resistance melt away with each stroke of his tongue. She allowed him to explore every inch of her mouth.
He needed her closer. He needed to be touching her. He pressed her back into the arm of the couch. His free hand slipped under her blouse to gently trace her tattoo. Her sun scorched his fingertips.
Cordelia tried to resist her need to breath. She didn’t want to give up his taste. She lost her battle and turned to gulp the needed air. She choked back her moan as his lips worked their way down her neck.
Angel could feel her blood rushing beneath his mouth. Her heartbeat pounded in his ears. His demon struggled for control. The need to claim this amazing woman fought its way forward.
Missing the feel of his lips, she grabbed his hair and brought his mouth back to hers. She sucked his tongue into her mouth wanting to savor his taste.
Her moans and eager responses sent his senses into overload. His control started to slip. His hand moved around to her stomach before making its way up.
As much as she enjoyed his touch, the fact they weren’t alone forced her to stop his hand’s assent. A part of her was grateful to have strangers to reinforce her will but the rest was tired of staving. It’s not like it would be her first time having sex without love. She’d never really made love before. She wanted Angel to be her first but it seemed she’d have to settle for sex. She stilled his hand and broke the kiss. “I thought we were following directions. Bob said ‘no wandering hands’.”
Angel wanted to yell forget Bob and his rules but stopped when he noticed they were being watched. Apparently some of the other couples weren’t enjoying the exercise as much as he was. “Sorry. Kissing you and being in control don’t seem to go together.” The offending hand cupped her cheek. “I’ll be good.”
She pressed a hand to his chest. “People are watching us.”
“Let ’em.” He brushed her restraining hand aside. “They’re just jealous.”
This kiss was gentle. He nibbled her bottom lip before teasing his way inside. The kiss grew in intensity. Their tongues began to battle for dominance. His control was shattered by her victory. The arm that rested on the back of the couch maneuvered its way between them to cup a breast. His body pressed closer to hide his wandering hand from any spectators.
“That’s it for today’s group session. Your individual counselor will let you know when your next meeting will be if he hasn’t already.”
Angel tried to calm his body. He didn’t have a tuxedo jacket to hide his straining erection this time. Cordelia seemed oblivious to his plight.
“Angel, why don’t you go check for email while I go grab something to eat?”
Angel pretended to consider her suggestion. “I have a better idea. Why don’t we both go back to the room?” He grabbed her hand and pulled her off the couch. He whispered, “Yes. We should both go. You know how bad I am at computers. The last time was pure luck. I’ll buy you some lunch later.”
Cordelia ignored his rambling. She focused on her internal struggle. She was tired of fighting her feelings. It wasn’t her dream come true but it was close. He desired her. He wasn’t treating her like an available warm body. He said he needed HER. She squeezed his hand and began to follow willingly.
Angel imagined her naked writhing body beneath him. He was finally going to show her how much he loved her. He knew she didn’t love him yet, but she seemed to be opening up to the possibility of loving him. Her responses to his attempts at seduction were encouraging. Her waffling was a bit frustrating but it also gave him reason to hope. Wanting him could lead to loving him.
The fact that she didn’t want them to sleep separately was a step forward however saying they were ‘friends again’ had been a little disheartening. That used to be enough for him. Now that his soul was protected, his need for her to love him would not be ignored. He wanted her in his bed as well as in his life. More importantly he wanted her to let him into her heart. He looked back at the smile on her face. He could see acceptance in her eyes. His patience was lost.
Cordelia yelped when she was suddenly dragged into a linen closet. “Angel! What are you doing?”
“I can’t wait. I need to touch you now.” He backed her against the wall. His lips claimed hers.
She pushed him away. “First the makeout party and now a closet. I’m so over my teenage years. Let’s go back to our room.”
“We will.” His lips descended again. He kissed a path to her ear. “I just can’t stop touching you.” His hands slid under her shirt to cup her breasts.
“Angel, we..”
“Shh” He plundered her mouth. His tongue demanded entry while his hands moved to undo her jeans
Cordelia moaned into his mouth when an exploring hand reached her heat. Her arms wrapped around his neck to pull him closer. Her head banged against the wall as a finger entered her. His thumb lightly stroking the bundle of nerves. Her knees started to buckle when another finger was added. His thumb increased its torment. Her hands moved to clasp his shoulders for support.
Angel felt like shouting for joy. Her moans filled his ears. He enjoyed every tremble. He was making her moan. He made her knees weak. He desperately wanted to replace his fingers with his cock. It was pressing painfully against his zipper. He wouldn’t allow their first joining to be in a closet but he couldn’t stop himself from dragging her in. He needed to make her cum and their room seemed too far. Once he heard her scream his name in pleasure, he would be able to make it back to their room.
He looked down at her, her face contorted in pleasure. “That’s it baby. Let go for me. Let me hear what I do to you.”
Stars started to explode behind her closed eyes. Any doubts she had about having sex were forgotten. She never wanted anyone as much as she wanted Angel. She needed to have him inside her.
His free hand had managed to open her blouse. He cupped a lace covered breast. His thumb brushed across her hardened nipple. “You’re so beautiful, so perfect.”
Cordelia could feel the wave of pleasure building. She needed relief. His hands had brought her to almost painful heights but she mourned the loss of his lips. She grabbed his face and pulled him in for a kiss. His thrusting tongue matched the rhythm of his fingers. It sent her crashing over the edge. Her muscles clamped down on the invading digits. “Oh God Angel!”
Angel gently eased her down. His need for her increased. Watching the woman he loved cum in his arms had been amazing. Now he needed to feel it from inside her. He needed to feel those muscles clamp down on his cock, milking him. He groaned. The tightness in his jeans increased with each thought.
Cordelia couldn’t wait any longer. She may have fought her need but no more. She needed him inside her now. Her hands went to his pants.
He grabbed her eager hands. “No. I don’t want to do this here. We have a bed waiting for us.”
She shook her head. “I can’t wait. Here. Now!”
He rested his forehead against hers. “Please don’t tempt me. I want to have you in a bed.”
“Hmmph. We could have already been there. You’re the one who dragged us into the closet.”
“I know.” He took a deep breath. “Let’s go.”
She fixed her clothes and followed him out. They turned the corner.
“There you are. Cordelia I was looking for you. I wanted to meet with you for a private session.”
“Umm..sure. When?”
“Now”
“Now? Can’t we do it a little later?”
“I’m booked most of the afternoon. I think it would be beneficial to meet privately.”
Cordelia wanted to scream. Wesley told them to follow directions. They were on a case. Having sex was not the reason they were here. She blew out a frustrated breath. “OK”
“What? No. Sorry Bob but we were..”
“Angel this is why we’re here, to meet with professionals.”
Angel was pretty confident he’d never wanted to kill anyone as much as he wanted to kill Bob. Angel considered his options. He knew Cordelia wouldn’t want to make love if he snapped the guy’s neck. Throwing her over his shoulder wouldn’t work either. “I guess we could come for a short session. There’s nobody around. Why don’t we just talk here?”
“Actually I want to meet with Cordelia alone.”
“Huh? Why?”
“We occasionally like to work with each spouse individually. You and I will most likely meet alone as well.”
The need to kill was back. Bob had to go. “I really..”
“Angel it’s fine. Why don’t you wait for me in our room? I’m sure I won’t be long.”
“Could you give us a minute Bob?”
“Sure”
Angel grabbed Cordy by the arm and dragged her a few feet away. “I don’t want you to go alone.”
“Angel don’t be so melodramatic. It’s just Bob. Wesley warned us we might be questioned separately.”
“But we were about..”
“I know and the sooner I go, the sooner I’ll meet you in our room.”
Angel reconsidered throwing her over his shoulder but dismissed the idea again. “Fine. Hurry!”
She stood on her toes and gave him a peck on the lips. She started to walk away but he pulled her back for a passionate kiss.
He smiled at her glazed expression. It helped that she sounded eager to return to him. He watched her walk away. Her tattoo peaked out at him. His eyes narrowed when Bob approached her. He didn’t like the guy. The guy remembered his seer from her commercial. The pervert.
*I need to kill time since I can’t kill him. I can check the computer. I can turn down the bed. I can get naked!*
***
“I’m sure you’re wondering why I wanted to meet with you alone.”
“Yes”
“I find it easier to discuss some subjects one on one.”
“Such as?”
“Marital relations for one. Tell me. How is your sex life?”
‘It’d be better if you hadn’t interrupted us’ didn’t seem like a good answer. “It’s fine.”
“I noticed you hesitated.”
“Well, we..umm..it’s been a little strained. I guess you could say I’m experiencing some intimacy issues.”
“I see. Could you expand upon that?”
Cordelia decided to take Wesley’s advice and stick as close to the truth as possible. “I’ve been holding back. Angel..he’s never told me..I mean he never says he loves me anymore. It’s always ‘I want you’ or ‘I need you’. Those are nice things to hear but I need him to say ‘I love you’.”
“That’s completely understandable. We have a few exercises designed to..”
“No. I don’t want him to say it because you told him to and I don’t want him to say it in response to me. I want him to say it because..he can’t not say it. You know?”
“I think I understand. I want you to know it’s okay to not have sex. Many women feel they owe it to their husbands. Like it is a marital obligation. You’re his wife not his concubine.”
“I know. It’s not like Angel is pressuring me. Well maybe he is a little but I haven’t exactly…I want him too. I hate that I’m giving him mixed signals. I’ve got him tied up in knots. I feel like I’m playing games.”
“You aren’t. Yes you respond to his advances. You aren’t holding back to torture him. His attempts to initiate sex, while pleasurable, aren’t what you need. You want to make love. There is a difference.”
“I know but..I..how much self-control can a person have? Maybe he’s not offering what I need but would it be wrong to accept was he is?”
“It’s not about right or wrong. You know he can fulfill you physically. The question is how you feel afterward. I’ve always told my patients sex can strengthen your connection with someone you love or it can make you feel completely alone. Only you can answer that question. Depending on your answer, you need to decide if it’s worth it.”
“I know Angel…I’m really important to him. I’ve never loved anyone like I love him. I want to give him my heart but..I don’t know if I can trust him with it. When he touches me…I want to lose myself in him.”
“That must be frightening with someone you don’t trust completely.”
“It is.”
“What do you want Cordelia?”
“I want Angel to love me like I love him.”
“You don’t think he does? He did come here. He seems to want to save your marriage. He’s quite protective of you.”
“Angel loves me but..I’m not sure…there are so many levels of love. When I told you Angel is a private person, I wasn’t exaggerating. He doesn’t really talk about his feelings. It can be like pulling teeth with him.”
“I see. I assume you usually have to initiate any frank discussions about your relationship.”
“Yes and for once I need him to do it. There is a part of me that wants to take sex out of the equation until we really talk but the rest of me craves his touch. My control is pretty much gone. I can’t fight him and myself anymore. It’s too exhausting. I can’t do it. I want to give in. Tell me it’s okay!”
“I can’t. Tonight I suggest you sleep in separate beds. I think physical distance would be best. I want you and Angel to see me tomorrow morning at 8 am. Don’t worry. I won’t force any declarations of love but I would like to discuss the issue of trust. I know you’re tired of holding back but try to do it one more night. I truly believe it would be for the best. I don’t think you’ll respect yourself for caving and that won’t help your marriage. Feeling alone while with someone you love can lead to resentment.”
“Separate beds?”
“Yes. At least for tonight.”
“OK” Cordelia decided to go for a walk instead of returning to their room. She knew Angel was waiting for her. She cursed her weakness. He expected sex and who could blame him.
The things Bob said struck a nerve. She knew all about sex making you feel alone, even when you wake up pregnant with demon spawn. Hell she felt alone when she’d gone home after the ballet. She and Angel hadn’t even had sex.
*What am I doing to myself? How can I risk the best relationship in my life for sex? Why can’t we wait? Once we go home, we could try dating. We’re best friends. He might fall in love with me.*
She felt like hitting something. Would having sex now damage their friendship? Would it destroy their chances for a real relationship? Would she hate herself for giving into her desires? The answer to her final question sent her back to their room. She would hate herself for being weak. She didn’t want to be Angel’s chippie. She wouldn’t respect herself.
She wasn’t the same girl who allowed herself to be used by a sweaty football player hoping it would make him love her. It hadn’t. She had felt used and disgusted with herself. She wasn’t the same girl who’d been used as a demon incubator. She wanted to be loved. Cordelia Chase deserved to be loved!