Part 5
Cordelia and Giles were walking in the park. She linked her arm with his and tilted her face to the sky. She could feel the warmth of the sun on her face. *Since when does the sun make me feel lonely?*
“Penny for them.”
“Just a penny? This girl has expenses.”
“Alright. How about a shiny nickel.”
“Now that’s more like it.” She laughed. “When did life become so complicated?”
“For me it was when my father told me about my destiny.”
“I used to blame Buffy for my problems. I actually found the thought comforting.”
“And now?”
“I am responsible for my own fate. I am nobody’s victim. I’ve had my chances to walk away from this life. To be normal. The truth is I like myself a lot more now then I did before I knew what went bump in the night. You remember what a superficial bitch I was.”
“Ah! How could I forget.”
“Hey, where did my tact guy go?”
“He became enchanted by a beautiful tactless young woman and was never the same.”
“I’ve missed you.”
“Why haven’t you called? It would have been nice to hear that sooner.”
“The phones work both ways. You could have called me.”
“I know. I’m sorry.”
She gave him a small smile. “I thought about calling you, a lot. I came close so many times.”
“Why didn’t you?”
“Please don’t take this the wrong way, but calling you felt like quitting.”
Giles pulled away. “How could I possibly take that the wrong way.”
“Don’t. Let me explain.” She pulled him down to sit on a nearby bench. “Calling you would have lead to seeing you again.”
“And that would be bad how?”
“My life, our..my mission is in LA. I needed to be strong.”
“And I made you feel weak?”
“No. You let me be weak.”
“What is that supposed to mean?”
“Rupert. God, so many things went wrong since I last saw you. Telling myself I was fine..telling Angel and Wesley I was fine kept me going. The truth was I was in so much pain and I was scared. I knew I could keep up my facade with them.
They wanted to believe me and I thought if I could convince them then maybe I could convince myself. I knew I wouldn’t be able to lie to you. I would break down and tell you everything. I knew I would fall into your arms and ask you to be strong for me.”
“It’s OK to ask for help. I would have been there for you.”
“I know, but Angel and Wesley needed me and the truth is I needed them too. I just couldn’t let them see my pain.”
“How about now?”
“None of us are the same. I’m a lot stronger now.”
“That doesn’t really answer my question.”
“It’s complicated.”
He shook his heads. “Don’t give me that. You’re talking to the master remember. You are strong for all of them, especially Angel but you refuse to let them return the favor. Thrust me I know all about it. I have been doing the exact same thing for a lot longer than you.”
He quietly added. “I let you really see me.”
She smiled to herself. “I wouldn’t let you hide from me.”
“I needed that.”
She clasped his hand. “I know. You’ve always stood there and took whatever abuse Buffy dished out.”
“She has a lot of pressure on her. Her destiny is an enormous responsibility.”
“It is but you still have to take care of yourself too.”
“But that’s my point. We, both of us, take care of those we love and we take care of ourselves. We won’t let them take care of us.”
“That’s not true. Angel has saved my life more times than I can count. He protects me. He’d do just about anything to protect me.”
“As has Buffy for me. That isn’t what I am talking about and you know it. I have tried to ease her burden over the years. After and during every trauma, I listened and consoled her. To this day we have never discussed what I went through after I was…interrogated by Angelus.
We’ve never discussed how I felt when she ran away. I don’t really blame her. She had her own pain to deal with and it’s not like I ever tried telling her. I couldn’t bear the thought of adding to the pain she already carried.”
“I didn’t understand that before but I do now. I used to think Buffy was being selfish. That she should have forced you to talk about it, like I did. Now. I know why you won’t let her in. It seems instinctual to keep it to yourself. God Rupert! I’m a demon by choice. I joke about it but there have been times when it scared me.”
“How did it happen?”
“I was dying. I found a way around it.”
“What?!”
“The visions were slowly killing me.”
“When did you find out and why the hell didn’t you call me?”
“I found out a week before Angel fired us. I wanted to call you then but no quitting for this reformed bitch. I felt the pain of the world and I couldn’t walk away from that.”
“Last time I checked we were doing some saving ourselves in Sunnydale.”
“Yeah but that wasn’t where Angel’s mission was.”
“What about that. He fired you?”
“Yeah. The road to redemption was getting to him. The evil lawyers brought Darla back to drive him insane or evil. They almost succeeded too. He tried to give up, hence Connor.”
“Why didn’t you tell him?”
“He was too busy being obsessed with Darla. At the time, I wasn’t sure if he’d care. It was a difficult time for all of us.”
“I wish you would have called me.”
“I almost did, but I wasn’t alone. A part of me was still hoping Angel would come to his senses. I wasn’t the same after my neverending vision ordeal. I had experienced the fear and pain of the hopeless. I needed to help. Sunnydale had all the help it needed. LA was without a champion.”
“I can understand that. Why didn’t you tell him when he came back?”
“I wasn’t ready to let him back in at first. He hurt me more than anyone ever had. I was willing to work with him for the sake of the mission, but my friendship wasn’t a part of the deal anymore.”
“What happened?”
He watched as a smile bloomed on her face. He felt like he was watching the sunrise. “He bought me a new wardrobe. I know it sounds superficial, but it wasn’t about the clothes. Well it wasn’t just about the clothes.
My brooding vampire, king of the monotone wardrobe, went shopping for me. The clothes were beautiful, a rainbow of color. He already had vision girl back. He didn’t need to do it. He wanted his friend back and that made all the difference.”
“Why didn’t you tell him then?”
“I wanted to be happy for a little while. Then Pylea happened. That changed my outlook on my visions. It stopped being something I didn’t ask for. It became my purpose.”
“In what way?”
“I had my first chance to get rid of the visions.”
“How?”
“Prophesy. What else.”
“Why didn’t you?”
“The visions are mine. I use them to help people. I need them and so does Angel. I made my decision and I don’t regret it. I planned to tell everyone after we returned. I needed to wait until we left Pylea, I didn’t want them to try to force me to get rid of them.”
“But Willow was waiting for you upon your return.”
“Yes. He had lost Buffy. I couldn’t tell him he was about to lose me too. He needed to deal with his loss and he needed to know I would be there when he returned.”
“And when he returned?”
“I had accepted my fate. Slayers aren’t the only ones who die young. I didn’t want the rest of my time to be sad. I wanted to go out helping people.”
“Slayers fight for their lives.”
“That’s not fair!”
“No letting yourself die and not telling anyone isn’t fair. Why didn’t you tell anyone else?”
“They would have told Angel.”
“So you decided to deal with it alone.”
“It’s my life.”
“And to hell with those who love you. You should have told me.”
“What would you have done?”
“Helped. I could have found a way to save you.”
“I saved myself.”
“Part demon?”
“Part demon. The Powers gave me my second out and I turned it down. This is my purpose. I don’t regret accepting that. Being part demon isn’t what frightens me, exactly. Doyle was. It was the not knowing what to expect, what it meant that scared me. I’ve had time to deal with it. I’m proud of who I’ve become.”
“You should be. I know I am.”
“Thanks. Please don’t be mad at me. I did what I felt I had to.”
“Since you didn’t die, you are forgiven. Had you died, I would have been very angry with you.”
She laughed. “That seems fair.”
“So how are you now?”
“Vision pain is a thing of the past.”
“Again, not a an answer.”
“I’m trying to put my family back together again.”
“Gunn told me about Wesley and Holtz. He also mentionned what happened with Connor.”
“I’m glad. I don’t think I could rehash all that.”
“Have you seen Wesley?”
“No. I want to but it would hurt Angel too much. He has been through so much pain. He would see it as a betrayal and he’s had enough of that lately.”
“I know you’re trying to take care of your family but I’d like to remind you of your advice. You need to take care of yourself too.”
“Rupert, I was taking care of myself when I went on vacation with Groo. Connor was taken to a hell dimension by a nutball, Wesley ended up in the hospital with a slit throat, and Angel had to mourn the loss of the only child he’ll ever have. I was taking care of myself when I agreed to follow my new destiny to the higher realms.
Angel ended up in a metal box at the bottom of the ocean by Connor who was confused and hurting, Wesley continued his downward spiral, and Gunn and Fred were running around trying to figure out where everyone went. I don’t think my family could survive any more ‘me’ time.”
“Cordelia, you cannot possibly blame yourself for all that!”
“Can’t I?” When he looked like he was going to argue, she continued. “I need to get back. I left Angel, Connor and Spike alone with weapons.” She managed a small smile. “Could you do something for me?”
“Anything”
“Visit Wesley. I can’t. Not yet anyway. He’s all alone.”
“Of course. I had planned on it actually.”
“Please don’t mention it to anyone. He probably won’t be happy to see you but don’t let him chase you away. Make him talk to you.”
“I will.” Cordelia gave him a quick hug before hurrying back to the hotel.
***
She had barely walked thru the door before Angel advanced on her.
“Where have you been?”
She ignored his gruff tone. “Rupert and I went for a walk in the park.”
He stepped back. He was surprised she told him the truth without any cajoling. “Why didn’t you tell me before you left?”
“I wasn’t aware I needed your permission. I am planning on going to the bathroom now if that’s OK with you.” She brushed him aside and went into the downstairs bathroom.
He sat down on her desk and waited for her to come out. He started talking as soon as the door opened. “Why did you tell Connor not to tell me?”
“Because I knew you would get all growly and I didn’t want you to scare him.”
He was trying to regroup. She was making sense and he wanted to be angry with her. “Well you didn’t explain avoidance to him very well.”
“Huh?”
“When I asked him where you were, he calmly told me he was to avoid that question.”
She turned to look at him. She suddenly doubled over in laughter. When she straightened up, she was clutching her sides. As soon as she looked at him she started laughing again.
He was waiting for her to say something in her defense but she showed no signs of stopping. “What is so funny?”
She tried to take a few calming breaths. “Sorry. I was just imagining the expression on your face when he said that. Too funny!” She noticed he didn’t share her humor. “Angel, Rupert and I were catching up. It’s been a while since we’ve seen each other. You’re getting upset over nothing.”
“Who’s upset? My best friend asked my son to keep secrets from me which he was only too happy to do. After all, he likes you a lot more than he likes me. Why should I be upset?”
“Hey” She stepped closer to him and placed a hand on his cheek. “I’m sorry. It wasn’t some conspiracy against you. It’s just that you’ve been getting so growly when I’m alone with someone and I didn’t want you to do it in front of Connor. I know things are tense and you’re afraid to get your hopes up.”
“He tricked me before. I don’t think I could take that hurt again.”
“I know but he isn’t pretending. He’s taking things slow this time. We are going to get through this. Connor will accept you. It’s just gonna take time.”
“I have plenty of that.”
“See. Nothing to worry about.”
“Thank you. What would I do without you?”
“I shudder to think. It’s a good thing I’m not going anywhere.”
“Promise?”
She looked directly into eyes. “I promise.” He pulled her into his arms and held her as if she was his lifeline. “OK. I’d like to keep my ribs intact.”
He released her. “Sorry. So what did you and Giles talk about?”
“This and that. Has Connor had lunch?”
“Yes. I made him a sandwich. Do you want anything?”
“No thanks.”
“So did my name come up?”
“What?”
“With Giles. Am I this or that?”
“A little bit of both. So where is Connor now?”
“He and Spike went back downstairs. They were gonna train some more. I came back up here. Flashbacks.”
“He isn’t up to anything. He promised me not to hurt Spike.”
“I’m happy for Spike.”
“He’s not gonna hurt you either. C’mon. I could use a workout.”
As she dragged him down the stairs, it occured to him. She’d managed to avoid telling him about her conversation with ‘Rupert’. *Where is he anyway?* “Cordy..” He stopped when he smelled blood. He was about to react but she was already holding Spike’s bleeding face.
“What happened?” She looked over at Connor who seemed to be fascinated by the floor. She looked back at Spike. “What happened? I told you I didn’t want to see any blood when I came back.”
“Cordelia, I..”
Spike interrupted Connor’s confession. “It was my fault, Luv.” He glanced at Connor before he continued. “The kid is really good. He had me working so hard I didn’t realize I slipped into my gameface. It startled him and I ended up with a mouthful of the sword handle.”
“I see.” She released Spike’s face and turned to Connor. He was still staring at the floor, his sword twisting in his hand. She lifted his chin. “I’m proud of you.” She ignored Spike’s cry of outrage.
“You are? Why?”
“Look at your hand.” He looked down at his sword.
“My sword?”
“Yes. You could have taken off his head. Instead you hit him with the handle. I say that’s progress. It takes a strong will to change your nature. You were raised to kill any and all demons. It isn’t easy to ignore your instincts. That is why I’m proud of you.”
She gave him a smile which he returned wholeheartedly after a moments hesitation. She turned back to Spike. “Tell Connor you forgive him.”
“Isn’t he supposed to apologize first?” She arched her brow at him. “Fine. Connor, it’s OK. I’m fine.”
“Baby, why don’t you take a break. I’d like the chance to see what your Uncle Spike’s got.” She grabbed Connor’s sword.
“Hey! I’m the injured party here. How come he’s the one who gets comforted?”
“Pfft. House of Aurelius, house of whiners is more like it. Suck it up and take it like a man.”
“Hey” His outrage was shared by his grandsire.
“Oh please! You two are the biggest babies. C’mon.” She shared a smile with Connor who was enjoying her taunts. She squared off against Spike.
“I don’t want to hurt you, Pet.”
“Patronizing much. Let’s see what ya got, Fangboy.”
Spike kept his attacks slow and held back on his strength. She had him disarmed and on his back with her sword at his throat in minutes.
“Oh come on Spike! If you don’t at least try I’ll give you a lot more than a bloody lip.”
He glanced over at Angel and received a nod from him. He was defending the honor of their order. He dusted himself off and began an earnest attack. The swords were moving so fast they were almost a blur.
Angel and Connor were watching from the safety of the stairs. Connor was in complete awe. She was good.
Angel was in shock. They hadn’t trained together since her return from the higher realms. She was amazing. *How the hell did she get this good and why didn’t I know?*
The clash of metal on metal could be heard throughout the hotel. It had taken a lot longer but the outcome was the same. Spike found himself disarmed on the floor with her sword at his throat. “Bloody hell Cheerleader. When did you become Xena?”
She started laughing and gave him a wink. “Thanks for the warm up. If you want my secrets, you’re going to have to beat me first.” She tossed Spike’s fallen sword to Angel. “It’s been a while since we had a go. You up for it old man?”
He stood there looking like a fish. “Cor, where did..how did..um.who..”
“You’re not scared of the challenge, are you? Your ego not up for it? What happened to ‘I’m a vampire, you can’t hurt me’? I could send Connor and Spike upstairs if that would make you more comfortable.”
His questions seemed irrelevant when he heard his son laughing at him. She needed to be taken down a peg and he was just the manpire to do it.
She could see the wheels turning. She almost felt bad for mocking him in front of his son and grandchilde. Almost. She had been secretly waiting for the chance to show him what she had learned in the higher realms. This was gonna be fun.
He immediately went on the offensive. He figured he could overpower her quickly and then they could talk. He was surprised when she had no trouble evading his attacks, although she wasn’t launching any counterattacks. He decided to change his tactics.
He tried to sweep her legs. Big mistake. She hadn’t used her legs until he did. He soon found his sweep evaded and was on the receiving end of a powerful kick to the side of his knee. He grunted in pain but managed to stay on his feet.
After her kick to his knee, she began her attacks. She was getting tired. They seemed to be evenly matched despite their differing styles. It was time to play dirty. When he came in to try another sweep, she twisted her body to afford him a rather generous view down her shirt.
She used his momentary distraction to strike his hands with the flat of her sword. She was rewarded with the sound of metal hitting the floor. With a few swings of her sword, she had him pinned against the wall. “Wow, this seems familiar.” When he gulped but remained quiet, she added. “You know what I want to hear.”
He tried to glare but it was difficult. She forced him up on his toes to avoid her blade. He took an unnecessary breath. “Fine. Go team!”
“That’s a good boy.” She stepped back. “Well this was fun but I need to run home. I have to pack a few things if I’m gonna stay at the hotel. I have no idea what to wear tonight. It’s been too long since I went dancing.” She handed Angel her sword and turned to leave.
He knew he should stop her. He had a million unanswered questions but he couldn’t seem to find his voice. The three men watched her bound up the steps.
“Peaches, your chit just handed you your ass!”
“Shut up Spike and watch your language.”
“I can’t believe we just got our as..butts kicked by a twentysomething year old ex-cheerleader.”
Angel was about to respond when his son started laughing. He’d never heard him laugh like that. He looked like a normal teenager. *Wait a minute, he looks like Cordelia did. What is it with people I love laughing at me!*
When Connor finally came up for air, he looked at Angel then Spike and then the door Cordelia had walked thru. “I cannot wait to tell Gunn about this!”
Angel and Spike gave each other a panicked look. There was no way they were going to live this down. Xander and Gunn would see to that.
Connor started laughing again at their forlorn expressions. He couldn’t wait until dinner tonight.