Title: F*** Buddies
Author: DamnSkippy
Email
Rating: NC-17, Language and Sex
Category: Humor, Smut, Angst
Setting: Through Fredless of S3 and then AU from there
Content: C/A
Summary: Cordelia wishes for a fuck buddy and, boy howdy, does she get more than she bargained for.
Disclaimer: The characters in the Angelverse were created by Joss Whedon & David Greenwalt. No infringement is intended, no profit is made.
Distribution: Anywhere, but please let me know, k?
Notes: For Angel his demon thoughts are surrounded by **asterisks**, while the soul’s thoughts are italicized. Everyone else’s thoughts are italicized.
Feedback: I find I need it. I tried to abstain, but I’m just a feedback whore. So, please tell me how pretty I am and how you want to bear my children, if only…
Chapter 1
As slow days went, and we’re talking a full twenty-four hour span, this one was at least a seventy-two hour snore-o-rama. Time dragged so slowly, Cordy thought she’d been sucked into another dimension where clocks ran on turtle time.
She had so little to do that she was able to read every sexual advice article in every magazine she had five times already. She tortured herself by reading about sex because it was better than forgetting what it was completely. It had been over two years since she’d had any, and she was officially a virgin again – according to all the magazines anyway. That thought brought her absolutely no comfort.
But the story that she kept going back to was the one in Cosmo by a woman who had a great sex life with her best friend. It sounded so nice and logical. Sex with a friend had to be better than none at all. Admitting that a ghost with a loofah just wasn’t as satisfying as a living, breathing, sweaty body was the first step in her sexual healing. The next step would be finding the right friend.
“Angel…”
He was sitting at the counter filling in notes on some recently closed cases. Currently he was the only one there with her. Wesley had a date as ironic as that was to her, Fred was in her room writing some tome about nose hair, and Gunn was spending the slow night back with his gang for a change. Lorne had a client in El Segundo, so he’d be gone for awhile. It was just Cordy and no bone.
“Hmmmm?” He didn’t bother turning around, trying not to lose his place in his notes.
“Have you ever…ummm…” Oh! Stupid question. “No, nothing. Forget it.”
Angel put down his pen and slid around in his chair irritated. “Don’t do that, Cordy. You know I hate it when you start to ask a question and then don’t. It drives me nuts.”
“Well, I stopped because I figured out the answer myself, so there’s no use asking.” Cordy kept her eyes glued to the magazine in her hand, absentmindedly flipping pages without reading them.
“Ask anyway because now I have to know what it was. I can always torture it out of you. Remember me? Scourge?” He dramatically folded his arms across his chest in a mock threat.
Cordy got up and walked around the counter to the coffee table to get another magazine throwing her response over her shoulder. “It’s stupid really. I just wondered if you’d ever had….a fuck buddy. That’s all. But then I realized, duh! Darla! So it was stupid to ask.”
“What exactly is a… Did you just say fuck buddy?” Angel jerked out of his chair and turned his right ear toward Cordelia suggesting that his hearing must be failing him.
“Yeah, that’s right. Fuck buddy.” She retrieved a new magazine and turned back to see him staring at here in disbelief and possibly embarrassment. “Oh, c’mon! You know. You’re not that culturally deficient.”
“I guess I must be, because I don’t know.” To Cordelia he looked less like someone uninformed and more like someone who knew the exact details of everything she could possibly think of regarding the uses of a fuck buddy.
“You’re just messing with me. You definitely know so just stop playing me.” The way he was staring at her with that wide-eyed disbelief made her feel very uncomfortable as if she’d just said ‘fuck’ in front of a five-year old preacher’s daughter.
“I really don’t know. I can maybe guess, but I hate guessing and being wrong because then you make fun of my stupidity. So please just tell me.”
“I don’t make fun of you. I just enjoy hearing a 250-year-old fart trying to make sense of modern slang and seeing how your mind works. It’s interesting and entertaining. I laughed for days about your definition of ‘gettin’ jiggy with it’.” The memory of him struggling to understand why anyone would want to ‘get with’ an Irish dance that wasn’t that popular even in his day was a priceless memory.
“I’m glad I amuse you. Now stop stalling and just tell me what a fuck buddy is.”
Angel was becoming increasingly frustrated. The longer she refused to just explain what she meant, the more his interest was peaked. The reason for that extreme interest was in no small part because of the person talking about it.
He hadn’t really allowed himself to think of Cordelia as a sexual object for many reasons. There was Buffy, and the curse issue, and just the fact that he truly loved her as a friend. The first and only female friend he’d ever had, and that was new and different. He could have sex with anybody, but a friend like this was rare.
But watching her shapely form glide around the counter and gracefully sit at her desk again as she casually spoke about having sex with a friend, he couldn’t keep his mind out of that gutter.
“A fuck buddy is just like it sounds. A buddy, or friend if you will, with whom you have sex for fun. No strings. You’re free, she’s free so you hook up for a while because you’re both horny and you know it’s safe. No chance of hurt feelings because no romantic love is involved.”
“Well, by that definition then, Darla was definitely NOT a fuck buddy. We weren’t friends and there was absolutely nothing safe about it. And there were miles of strings.” He really wished she hadn’t brought up Darla. He was beginning to have a good relationship with Cordy again, and he didn’t even like her remembering Darla existed much less talking about her.
He noticed that Cordy seemed to visibly relax after his assurance of Darla as anything but a buddy and that lifted some small measure of guilt from her mention.
“Oh, well, I put her in the FB category because you weren’t in love or anything,” she said.
“Well you can just take her out. I don’t want Darla in any category. And since I never really had any female friends until you, I guess I’ve never had a fuck buddy. How about you?”
Angel was pleased at how this conversation was going. He didn’t really know much about Cordy’s sex life. He knew Xander had been her boyfriend in high school, and he’d met a few of the guys she’d dated, but other than that her sexual conquests were a mystery.
Unfortunately as his interest increased, Cordy appeared to want to forget about it. She had picked up the magazine she’d gotten from the table and was flipping through it nonchalantly.
“Me? No. It’s never been an option for me. I mean all the guys I’ve known were always just sniffing around to have sex. They weren’t interested in being friends. I mean until you guys.”
Well, that didn’t tell him much. Did that mean she’d had a lot of sex or did she shoot all the sniffing suitors down? If it wasn’t for the whole Wilson Christopher demon seed planting, Angel wouldn’t have any trouble believing she was a virgin. Besides what she looked like, which was hot as hell, she really seemed pretty naive sexually speaking.
Determined to find out more for no reason he could consciously fathom, he decided to keep pushing. “So…uh…why did you ask me about this?”
Angel could tell she was nervous discussing this which only made him more curious. She was trying to feign interest in an article, but the pages shook slightly in her trembling hands. “Oh, I was just wondering what it was like to have one. Ya know, was it fun? Did it really work out okay? Could you really do it without getting all emotiony.”
“And why would you want to know? I mean are you thinking about asking someone to do this?” Could Cordelia really be considering this as an option? And with him? The demon in Angel was salivating at the prospect of sex with that body. The soul was more cautious but strangely not averse to the idea.
“No! Geez, who would I… No! Well, maybe. I’m just so damn…frustrated.” She slammed down the magazine. Suddenly she seemed to realize what she’d just said. Her eyes grew huge and her cheeks were aflame with embarrassment. She stood and started pacing appearing like a trapped racehorse ready to bolt from the gate.
Angel watched his nervous friend still a bit shocked and sharing some of her embarrassment at her confession, but that light of interest that flickered moments earlier was becoming a pretty warm burn in his chest.
Cordy finally spoke quickly and without breathing. Never looking at Angel, she seemed to be speaking more to herself or that funny looking spot shaped like a ferret on the floor. “I don’t ever meet anyone that I can actually date, and even if I did, who would put up with all the crap we face every day? So, I’m thinkin’ maybe a fuck buddy isn’t a bad idea.”
“So, uh, who were you thinking of asking?” He tried to get her to look at him, but she continued to avoid his face at all costs.
**Get in there, soul boy. Strut your stuff. You know you want it. Look at those plump tits just begging to be sucked dry.**
Dammit, shut up, shut up. This is Cordelia, not a tavern wench. Have some respect.
“Well, it’s kind of a tough choice. There’s Gunn, of course. But, I don’t know… I mean I love him and all, but we just don’t have a lot in common really and I think maybe I’d like to be able to converse with the guy sometimes. Then there’s Wes, but with our history I’m afraid he might get clingy. You know, want to cross the line of friendship, and I just can’t see it. So I was thinking….”
**This is it. Don’t act too anxious. Make her beg.**
Like I haven’t done this before. I said shut up.
“Maybe I’d give David Nabbit a call.”
**You’re such a prick. She’d do a pathetic nerd before you. I’m embarrassed to be your demon.**
“David Nabbit?!? He’s not even a real friend. I mean he’s barely an acquaintance. Oh! And he’s a client, so he’s completely out of the competition.” Angel was livid at himself for being upset by her choice and at her for not asking him. Way to be wishy washy.
“But he’s so sweet and lonely and there’s definitely no chance of me falling for him. Unless he flashes a lot of money in my face or buys me tons of clothes and jewelry and it all comes wrapped in shiny new personality transplant. I wonder if those are expensive?”
Angel ignored her yammering about money and clothes knowing how little that really mattered to her. “But there’s every chance of him falling for you. He’d have his jet fueled and headed for Paris for your honeymoon before you got your first button undone.” This wasn’t a lie. He’d known since the first time they’d met him that Nabbit was totally into Cordelia. There was no mistaking his quickened pulse and arousal whenever he saw her.
“Really? You think so? I never got the impression he was attracted to me?”
“Trust me, Cordy. Vampire here. I can hear his heart race and sense…other things…when he’s around you.”
**The little perv.**
“What other things? Oh. OH! And ewwwww! Well, damn. He was my last – well really my only – hope.” Angel could see the dream crumble on her face. She plopped down in her chair giving up.
**Here’s your chance moron. Grab her and show her what a real fuck buddy is.**
She doesn’t want me. She didn’t even mention me.
**Call me when you get your balls back. I’ll do it.**
“What about me?!? Aren’t I your friend?”
Jesus, just keep your fuckin’ mind out of my mouth.
Cordy’s mouth gaped and he’d finally succeeded in getting her full attention. “You’d be willing to… No, that would just be too weird. Oh! And there’s the curse. And don’t even say I couldn’t give you perfect bliss, mister, if you want to remain stakeless.”
“I’m sorry, Cordy, but you couldn’t give me perfect bliss. Nobody can.” Again, not lying. He was sure of this.
“Hello. Buffy. Remember? Buffy…boffo…poofo Angelus?”
“Not even with Buffy now. I didn’t know about the perfect bliss clause when I slept with her. Now I do know and I can never forget that. I can never lose complete control now because I know what that means.”
“Are you sure? I mean have tested that little theory out? And if that’s true, why haven’t you gone back to be with Buffy?”
Cordelia’s mind was racing at this new information. Could this really be true? He was always the one and only man in the world I could definitely not have sex with. And now, all of a sudden, he’ s eligible? Hmmm…he does have a great body for a corpse. Ewww. Don’t think about that!
“I haven’t gone back to Buffy because we just don’t belong together. When I went to see her after she returned, it was obvious how much we’d both changed. We agreed that our lives were too different to include each other in them except as friends. And if you’re asking me if I’ve had sex since Buffy, the answer is, yes, I have. And obviously, no Angelus.”
**That’s what you think. I might have to pop out for a visit if you get any of that ass.**
Shooting up from her seat, her hands automatically grabbed her hips in a challenge. “With who? When? And why would you risk losing your soul with some skanky ho and possibly kill us all? Is it that hard to keep it in your pants?”
“First, it’s none of your business who. Secondly, I wasn’t risking anything because, like I said, I never forget the curse. Thirdly, it’s kinda hard, yeah.”
**Nice entendre but you need to bring out the big sword here.**
Her emotions were bouncing off the walls. Angel’s had sex? How did I miss that and why do I care so much? “Well I’m shocked. I can’t believe all this time, you… And I thought… Well it doesn’t matter anyway, because we couldn’t do it.”
“Why not?” Angel asked,
Cordelia relaxed her arms and let them brush casually against her thighs as she walked around her desk oozing sensuality. She stopped at the end and slid back onto the desktop using her hands’ grip on the edge to support her weight. As her butt wiggled into place, her upper arms squeezed her breasts as she leaned forward giving Angel a very nice view of her ample cleavage.
“Angel, you’re my best friend which means we’re already very close. And if you ever got a taste of this, there is no way you couldn’t fall in love with me.” She lazily crossed her legs, allowing Angel a glimpse beneath her short, short skirt for emphasis.
**Ooo, baby, that was the wrong thing to say to me.**
And to me. Now shut up. I’ll handle this.
Angel was up and standing over her in an instant, dangerously close to invading her personal space. “Hah!! Now that’s funny. If anyone would fall in love with anyone, it would be you…with me. I’ve got about 230 years more experience in the sex department than you, and what I could do to your body would have you begging me to marry you within a week. Probably sooner!”
**What the fuck? What’s up with the ‘m’ word? Are you trying to make me sick?**
Is this idiot for real? Marry him? Pfft! “Please. As if!” She pushed him out of her way and stormed into the lounge area. “You’re such an ego maniacal jerk. Just because you’ve lived longer doesn’t mean you know how to please a woman. You may know how to make a woman scream, but that doesn’t necessarily mean you do quality work. I, on the other hand, have all the instincts. I know just what it takes to make a man melt in my hands.”
Angel stalked her slowly, tilting his head down so his heavy brow made his eyes seem to be squinting. “Melting is not what you want a man to do in your hands. If that’s what’s been happening on your dates, no wonder you’re still single.”
**Ooo, that’s gotta hurt. I’m such a proud demon right now.**
The air was thick with the steam pouring out of Cordelia’s head. Cordy, don’t do something stupid. Calm down for Pete’s sake. Count to ten. One, two, three… ah, the hell with it! I’m going to nail his ass to the wall.
“That’s it, buddy! Fuck buddy, that is. Nobody questions my ability to make a man squeal without paying the price. I’ll have you eating out of my hands and screaming my name in your sleep within a week!” She jabbed her finger in his chest to accentuate every point.
“Are you daring me?” Please be daring me.
“No, dumb ass. I’m betting you. I’m betting you that we can’t be fuck buddies for more than one week before you fall helplessly and hopelessly in love with me.” Cordy stood fast crossing her arms in a gesture of confidence and defiance.
“And what’s the bet? If you fall in love with me, what do I win?” Not to be out-defied, he crossed his arms.
“Well, stupid, ME, of course. But if for some bizarre reason known only to Kreskin you wouldn’t want me, then I’ll…I’ll…Oh! I’ll clean and polish every weapon in this place for a year. What do I get if you fall in love with me?”
“Trust me, you wouldn’t need another thing in your life if that happened, but I’ll go shopping with you once a month and buy you one article of clothing each time.” Why did I say shopping? I hate shopping.
**Then I guess you’d better win. No worries. I’ll take over from here.**
“Deal.” Cordy shoved out her hand and Angel grabbed it.
“Deal.” They shook and sealed their mutual fate. “But how are we going to prove who wins?”
“It’ll just have to be on the honor system,” she said. “The moment you know you’re in love with me, you’ll just have to tell me. Anyway, I can read you like a bad Whedon script. I know crap when I see it.”
“No, no way. I know you, too, Cordelia. You would never admit it. You’d take it to your grave before you let me win. Huh-uh. There’s got to be another way.”
“What other way? Celebrity judges?”
“Lorne!! At the end of the week, we’ll both sing for Lorne and he’ll tell us who won. And no arguments with the results. Whatever he says goes. Agreed?”
“That’s fair. Agreed.” Cordelia took his hand and started for the stairs dragging him behind. “Now move your ancient ass.”
“Where are we going?”
“To your room, of course. And you’d better be naked before I get there.”
Angel let go of her hand and sprinted up the stairs leaving Cordy standing there, hands on her hips.
Oh, lord. What have I done?
“Well, too late now. That boy doesn’t have a chance. I almost feel sorry for him. Dork.”