Part 4<\/b><\/p>\n
Cordelia hadn\u2019t allowed herself to think once she started the car and she kept the promise to herself until she\u2019d pushed the doorbell at the house. Willow had said \u2018they\u2019 were staying there with Dawn. For the first time since then Cordelia wondered who Willow had meant. The door swung open and there stood Faith her entire body language saying \u2018I\u2019m-the-dog-guard-and-ready-to-bite\u201d rather than \u2018Hi-I-live-here, welcome\u2019.<\/p>\n
\u201cCC? Red said you weren\u2019t going to show,\u201d Faith said.<\/p>\n
\u201cHi to you too, Faith. I went insane, and here I am.\u201d<\/p>\n
Faith stared her down and then stepped back. \u201cWell then come\u2026\u201d then she stopped mid-sentence as her eyes focused on what was behind Cordelia on the street. Her expression became suspicious and she shot a glare at Cordelia. \u201cThat\u2019s Angel\u2019s ride.\u201d<\/p>\n
Cordelia looked back at the convertible, her eyes wide in shock and then quickly back to Faith. \u201cHe doesn\u2019t want anyone to know he\u2019s here,\u201d she said quickly, his favor the first thing to pop into her mind.<\/p>\n
\u201cHow the hell do you know he\u2019s here?\u201d Faith snapped.<\/p>\n
\u201cMy car broke down on the road, he found me.\u201d<\/p>\n
Faith stared at Cordelia a smirk spread over her face. \u201cYou on the side of the road, helpless. Yeah, I can see it.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI was not helpless.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhatever, CC.\u201d<\/p>\n
She walked into the house, and Cordelia stepped inside behind Faith. Cordelia\u2019s mind started to whirl. Faith\u2019s presence was bizarre but she was sure there were good reasons. Maybe she\u2019d come to her senses after knocking herself into a coma. Part of Cordelia kept insisting she didn\u2019t care about the story of why, while most of her realized she wished Faith hadn\u2019t stopped her dog guard act.<\/p>\n
Because she was inside now, which meant she had to face everyone and talk about death. Talk about Buffy. There would probably be hugging. And hugging was an intimate moment with people that had always left Cordelia feeling on edge, had her at her most defensive and it wasn\u2019t a good feeling at all. A weight seemed to pull down all her limbs and she slowed down into a standstill.<\/p>\n
Faith turned around and stared at Cordelia. \u201cRed\u2019s in the kitchen.\u201d<\/p>\n
That\u2019s nice, Cordelia thought and suddenly she remembered she had a bag of clothes with her, of make-up. \u201cI need to shower first, Faith.\u201d<\/p>\n
Faith eyebrows shot up but then she seemed to really look at Cordelia, and Cordelia braced herself for the inevitable insult. \u201cYou do look like shit, CC. Go on upstairs. I\u2019ll just tell them you\u2019re here.\u201d<\/p>\n
Them. Cordelia gulped and ran up the stairs.<\/p>\n
***<\/p>\n
Applying her lipstick Cordelia held her own gaze in the bathroom mirror and silently told herself that she could do this. She\u2019d come all this way and dealt with flat tires and ick-infested mansion, she could do the grieving thing with Buffy\u2019s family, friends, whatever they wanted to call themselves.<\/p>\n
She\u2019d made the stupid decision to do this because she felt like she needed to and Cordelia Chase didn\u2019t not follow-through on the things she started. She decided something and she did it. She\u2019d decided to move LA and now it was her home. She\u2019d decided to become an actress and she\u2019d had gotten jobs. She\u2019d decided to land Alec as her boyfriend and they were in a committed relationship. She\u2019d decided to return to Sunnyhell and deal with the weirdness Buffy\u2019s death had churned up within her and she\u2019d do it.<\/p>\n
And then maybe the weirdness would go away. Cordelia smacked her lips together, put her lipstick into her make-up bag and shoved it into the bag where the clothes she slept were in all their wrinkly-glory. Open the door the bathroom, she nearly screamed in fright.<\/p>\n
\u201cOh my God! Cordy,\u201d Dawn said looking startled herself, \u201cI didn\u2019t mean to freak you out.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDidn\u2019t mean to,\u201d Cordelia muttered, looking Dawn in the face. \u201cThen don\u2019t lurk about the hallway.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSorry, sorry, I just wanted to see you, I didn\u2019t believe it when Faith said you were here.\u201d<\/p>\n
That makes two of us, Cordelia thought and then she realized that Dawn had grown at least a foot since the last time she\u2019d seen her. \u201cYou\u2019re so tall!\u201d<\/p>\n
Dawn smiled and then immediately broke out in tears. Cordelia felt a complete sense of panic hit her. This wasn\u2019t at all good, this was beyond bad and how the hell had she made the kid cry, she\u2019d just said she was tall.<\/p>\n
\u201cBut you know it\u2019s not like you\u2019re a giant, you\u2019re you know still pretty short just not as short as you were\u2026 you know you got bigger, not big, big\u2026\u201d Cordelia stammered and then suddenly, like she\u2019d forgotten why she was here she realized she was being a fool. \u201cThis isn\u2019t about your height is it?\u201d She said more to herself than to Dawn and grabbing Dawn\u2019s hand she pulled her into her own bedroom. By habit she grabbed a hairbrush off of Dawn\u2019s bureau and sat behind her on the bed.<\/p>\n
Odd memories of the million of times she had somehow gotten stuck with the babysitting duty. First it had been because it was Xander\u2019s girlfriend, then even after they broke up and he couldn\u2019t watch her due to whatever evil of the moment, Dawn would insist on her. It was because Cordelia would do her hair and let her put on her make-up. It was their secret. Their secret bonding ritual and Cordelia without thinking had pulled them both into something familiar, praying that it would stop the tears. She started to brush Dawn\u2019s hair, noting how long it had grown but managed to bite her tongue before she said anything. The younger woman had calmed down even though tears were still rolling down her cheeks.<\/p>\n
Cordelia focused on the brush, through the light brown hair, searching for something to say that didn\u2019t sound empty, or strange. Nothing seemed right in her head. \u2018I\u2019m Sorry\u2019, felt like something insincere and empty to really explain how she felt. She didn\u2019t know what she felt except lost, confused and weird. But she didn\u2019t want Dawn crying the entire time she was with her. She wasn\u2019t going to stay long, she\u2019d promised herself. In, out, deal with Buffy and back to L.A. That was the plan, she was sticking to it.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m sorry,\u201d Dawn whispered suddenly.<\/p>\n
\u201cDon\u2019t be silly,\u201d Cordelia chastised lightly. \u201cYou have nothing to be sorry for,\u201d she explained, giving Dawn a small smile. \u201cI think propriety declares I should say that, but I never got that term. Seems selfish really and since I\u2019m selfish I know selfish. What does it have to do with me; it\u2019s your\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cShe died for me. To save me. Did they tell you I was a Key?\u201d<\/p>\n
Cordelia rolled her eyes; she\u2019d gotten the password-protected email Willow had sent her with top-secret Scooby Gang information. She\u2019d wondered why Willow bothered, but had opened it anyway. And immediately not cared, memories were memories and she remembered Dawn. Didn\u2019t much matter to her either way how they\u2019d come to be. \u201cIt seemed like way too much to wrap my brain around so I decided to dismiss that information.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m not worth dying for.\u201d<\/p>\n
Cordelia felt her breath hitch and an odd anger surround her. \u201cDon\u2019t say that,\u201d she dropped the brush on the bed and turned Dawn to face her. \u201cDon\u2019t ever say something so monumentally stupid, Dawn Summers. You are a Queen. You remember that?\u201d<\/p>\n
Dawn stared at Cordelia but started to nod. \u201cYou crowned me and everything. Said that I was the Queen of my whole world.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYep. No one can put you down or dethrone you because you are the Queen. And shall always be.\u201d Cordelia nodded.<\/p>\n
Dawn sighed. \u201cIt was a game and it doesn\u2019t make\u2026 Buffy, she\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDid what she had to do, Dawn.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBecause she was the slayer.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBecause she was your sister. She had to save you, slayer my ass, it was about saving her sister.\u201d<\/p>\n
Dawn grew quiet and started to shake her head. \u201cBut I\u2019m not.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes you are.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI shouldn\u2019t be, I should have jumped.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo!\u201d Cordelia shook her head looking at the teenager, realizing she was holding Dawn\u2019s face and that tears were hitting her hands. \u201cListen to me. You can\u2019t do that what if, or say I should\u2019ve\u2026\u201d Cordelia trailed off. \u201cDawn, I don\u2019t have a clue how incomprehensible the pain is, or any idea what to say to make it better. But don\u2019t say stupid things. Saying you weren\u2019t worth it or stupid playing the stupid should-have game won\u2019t make anything better.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know but\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBut what?\u201d Cordelia huffed. \u201cBut I said stop it, and you want to go back to it after I leave fine but not in my presence. Now, I\u2019m going to finish brushing your hair.\u201d<\/p>\n
Dawn sniffled but moved into the brush as Cordelia started to brush her hair again. \u201cThis is what I miss most about you being here.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOf course you do,\u201d Cordelia said. \u201cNo one makes with the pretty like me.\u201d<\/p>\n
***<\/p>\n
Dropping her bags into the convertible, so she didn\u2019t have to carry them around the house or forget them later, Cordelia prayed to whoever was listening that the rest of her visit wasn\u2019t as hard as seeing Dawn cry and blame herself. Cordelia swallowed over the lump in her throat and wondered why she\u2019d felt so damn driven to do this to herself. Watch a teenager blame herself for her sister\u2019s death. It was all wrong.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou aren\u2019t trying to avoid me are you?\u201d<\/p>\n
Cordelia tensed. She\u2019d heard Xander call after her from the living room when she\u2019d come down the stairs. She\u2019d just pretended she hadn\u2019t and hightailed it to the car. To put her stuff in it, at least that is what she decided when she found herself standing next to the driver\u2019s side. Maybe she had been thinking of fleeing, she wasn\u2019t sure, all she knew was she wasn\u2019t going to. Apparently she didn\u2019t have enough sense at the moment to do something that smart.<\/p>\n
\u201cHi, Xander,\u201d she said turning around and facing him.<\/p>\n
\u201cHi,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n
And they stood, staring at each other, until someone Cordelia didn\u2019t know appeared in the door of the house and yelled. \u201cTea and cookies are ready.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m there,\u201d Xander shouted. \u201cThanks, Tara.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cGirlfriend?\u201d Cordelia asked, glancing at the house where Tara had been.<\/p>\n
\u201cWillow\u2019s yes,\u201d Xander said with a smirk. \u201cCome on the tea is made by Giles himself.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOoh,\u201d Cordelia said.<\/p>\n
\u201cOh and my girlfriend is in there and she\u2019s\u2026.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m marrying him, Cordelia. And if you try to get him back I\u2019ll find a way to wreck vengeance on you.\u201d<\/p>\n
Cordelia looked at the woman who\u2019d met them just inside the house. She was pretty but had intense eyes that were glaring at her with a dare. And the dare was about Xander. Cordelia almost wanted to laugh.<\/p>\n
\u201cShh, Anya, don\u2019t say that we can\u2019t tell them yet.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWouldn\u2019t it cheer everyone up?\u201d<\/p>\n
Anya. The name seemed familiar. \u201cOh, weren\u2019t you new to Hellmouth the last year of class? You showed up, right after Xander and I broke up. I told you all sorts of things I wish would happen to him.\u201d<\/p>\n
Anya flinched. \u201cAnd I couldn\u2019t grant a single one, well I did grant one, but you did something there and made it so Giles could fix it. He broke my power center and human I became. And now I\u2019m getting every human girl\u2019s dream and you can\u2019t have him.\u201d<\/p>\n
Cordelia stared at the woman. \u201cEvery human girl\u2019s dream? Xander?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cUm, Anya, honey why don\u2019t you go tell everyone Cordy and I will be in, in a minute.\u201d<\/p>\n
Anya glared. \u201cNo Xander for you,\u201d she said one more time to Cordelia before leaving the room.<\/p>\n
Xander pulled Cordelia into the dinning room and gave her a half smile. \u201cShe\u2019s a bit\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWacky.\u201d Cordelia suggested.<\/p>\n
\u201cYeah.\u201d<\/p>\n
Cordelia swallowed and felt tense again. This was Xander and she didn\u2019t know what to do or say. He was the first boy she\u2019d been with she\u2019d thought she might love. And maybe she had and it had ended so badly, yet he was Xander. He\u2019d helped her buy her prom dress and kept her secret about her father. Well, until she left town anyway. Soon everyone else found out about her going from riches to rags. \u201cI\u2026don\u2019t have a clue what to say about Buffy,\u201d she finally blurted out.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m surprised you\u2019re here. I mean Wil said you said\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI couldn\u2019t come for the funeral. That would have been\u2026. I didn\u2019t even really. I just had to come here for some lunatic-like reason, I guess.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, you know since you are feeling crazy, let me hug you?\u201d<\/p>\n
Hugs. Cordelia held back the urge to roll her eyes, she had known there would be hugs. But then again, hugging Dawn had felt nice before she left her room after saying goodbye. This was a drive-by-condolence call after all. \u201cYou better, Xander, I\u2019m not going to be here all day.\u201d<\/p>\n
Xander stopped short before hugging her and met her eyes. \u201cYou really mean that don\u2019t you? I really did hear you upstairs telling Dawn goodbye already?\u201d<\/p>\n
Uncomfortable didn\u2019t begin to describe how she felt, Cordelia decided and she reached behind her and sat down with a thud in one of the dinning room chairs. Xander quickly sat down next to her and started to shake his head. \u201cYou can\u2019t stand to talk about her for more than five seconds, even now, when she\u2019s\u2026dead.\u201d<\/p>\n
Cordelia heard the break in his voice and stubbornly kept her eyes locked with his brown. Even though they were accusing and betrayed. \u201cWhat did you think Xander, I sit and listen to you all tell Buffy tales between the crying and blaming of yourselves?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThere had to be another way\u2026 another way besides one of them having to die.\u201d Xander ground out through his teeth. \u201cAnd what is wrong with thinking that? With wanting to talk about her, and share. You knew her, Cordy. The hero she is.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYeah, and maybe that\u2019s why I\u2019m here, because it sucks and it\u2019s sad. And it got to me more than I ever expect. Hell, I cried. And I denied. And I got mad but then I remembered. Slayers are supposed to die and what does that change about my life.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd your life is all that matters, right Cordy? What about Buffy\u2019s.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat about yours,\u201d Cordelia snapped. All of them had wrapped their world around Buffy Summers and she knew it was too soon for them to not be grieving and thinking about her none stop but she had to wonder. Would they ever stop? Why had she wanted to step into this place of grief? And would she ever stop asking herself that question.<\/p>\n
\u201cShe\u2019s my best friend,\u201d Xander whispered, voice breaking and brown eyes full of tears and Cordelia closed her eyes.<\/p>\n
\u201cI know. She was\u2026well my friend. In a way. And special and brave. And a bitch.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHey,\u201d Xander said sharply.<\/p>\n
Cordelia ignored his anger. \u201cDeny it if you want Xander, Buffy wasn\u2019t perfect and I call it like I know it. I\u2019m not happy she\u2019s dead, I\u2019m not happy Dawn is blaming herself, that you are and I\u2019m sure Willow and Giles are too. But it\u2019s what it is and I think\u2026\u201d Cordelia trailed off and she sighed. \u201cI don\u2019t know what I think and do you know how irritating that is?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIf it makes you shut up,\u201d Xander said, wiping at his eyes with the back of his hand but his mouth had turned up a bit into a small smile.<\/p>\n
Cordelia rolled her eyes at him but bit her tongue, figuring that in his grief Xander Harris deserved the last word. Then suddenly she was swallowed up by his arms and very aware suddenly that Dawn had not been the only one to grow while she was away. He was all broad and big, strong really, she felt like she was being hugged by a man, and the fact it was Xander Harris nearly fried her brain.<\/p>\n
\u201cI miss you, Cordy,\u201d he whispered into her ear.<\/p>\n
Her heart tightened and she squeezed him a bit, blurting out the truth. \u201cI miss you too.\u201d<\/p>\n
Xander held on for a moment longer and then let her go and leaned back in the chair he was still sitting on. \u201cSo, bye?\u201d<\/p>\n
Cordelia nodded. \u201cYeah, bye.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWillow and Giles are both in the living room. I\u2019m going out back, Anya will want to know.\u201d<\/p>\n
Cordelia watched him stand up and decided what the hell. \u201cXander?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYeah?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnya\u2019s got herself one sexy man.\u201d<\/p>\n
The grin that got her was almost worth the madness of the trip, she thought for a moment but then Xander ruined it by pointing to the living room and saying Willow and Giles with his eyes. She looked away from him and down at her lap, once again reminding herself that Cordelia Chase didn\u2019t quit.<\/p>\n
Part 5<\/b><\/p>\n
The living room wasn\u2019t more than a few steps away, less than a minute of walking and she\u2019d be in there facing Willow and Giles. Cordelia couldn\u2019t move and she bit her cheek and focused on the slight sting of pain, willing her determination.<\/p>\n
Two people left, two people left and then she could leave \u2013 the house, not Sunnydale she thought with fear. Talking to Willow and Giles wouldn\u2019t signify the end, it was only two more stops on this crazy, un-thought trip brought on by Buffy\u2019s dying. Grief? Was she really grieving, Buffy? Was that why she was acting so weird? Why she felt like she had to be here and nowhere else right now. Cordelia wanted to leave but she knew she couldn\u2019t, and a part of her didn\u2019t even want to \u2013 and that was what was so confusing.<\/p>\n
She\u2019d really thought Buffy, her watcher, and her scoobies hadn\u2019t had an impact on her life. Yet here she was afraid, scared but certain of what she was doing, as insane as it made her feel. Cordelia started to walk and wondered if it was really possible to feel sure and uncertain simultaneously.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhere is Xander?\u201d Anya\u2019s voice barked, the second Cordelia entered the living room.<\/p>\n
\u201cOutside.\u201d<\/p>\n
Anya smiled. \u201cRemember\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo Xander for Cordelia. I know,\u201d Cordelia reassured the strange woman and shook her head. \u201cGeesh.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI need\u2026I mean we\u2026the tea is cold,\u201d Willow babbled and she grabbed the teapot and ran out of the room.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019ll go help her, \u201c Tara said, following her girlfriend and giving Cordelia a small shy smile for a hello.<\/p>\n
Cordelia returned the smile and then left it there on her face. A mask that she felt she needed as she let her eyes find Giles\u2019 face. \u201cHi.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cCordelia.\u201d<\/p>\n
Cordelia shift her weight from foot to foot, mentally shook herself and then moved to the couch and sat down. Her eyes fell on the coffee table and all the cookies spread out on a plate. \u201cThat\u2019s a lot of cookies.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWillow and Dawn keep making more,\u201d Giles said and cleared his throat. \u201cCordelia?\u201d<\/p>\n
Cordelia looked away from the table and at him, felt his gaze on her and felt all the questions he had in them. And his grief, his confusion and that he really didn\u2019t know what to say to her anymore than she had any clue what she wanted to say to him.<\/p>\n
\u201cI had to come. Not really sure why. I tried not to but then there I was driving and then here I was. I\u2019m leaving right after I talk to Willow. I just\u2026 I had to come,\u201d she babbled suddenly. \u201cBuffy wasn\u2019t really my friend, well she was but it was complicated by who we were. That was no secret. I guess I just needed to come and see everyone, say something. Not that there is anything to say but that I know you all miss her. More than me. It affects you all so much more than me and here I am intruding \u2013 again. Just like I always did in the library. The honorary Scooby who never really belonged.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou belonged Cordelia,\u201d Giles said softly. \u201cIn your way you belonged. You helped, you kept things in perspective and they, I even, sometimes needed that. You kept her secrets.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo one would have believed me anyway,\u201d Cordelia laughed. \u201cStupidity reigns supreme here in Sunnydale. Guess it\u2019s really the only way to survive the Hellmouth though. Denial.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou kept it for far more better reasons than that,\u201d Giles said and sighed. \u201cThough, I am surprised to see you here.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMe too.\u201d<\/p>\n
Giles nodded. \u201cGrief manifests itself in surprising ways sometimes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIs that why I\u2019m here?\u201d Cordelia asked bluntly.<\/p>\n
Giles straightened his posture and Cordelia realized she\u2019d shocked him. He thought she was sad and grieving Buffy, as much as the rest of them. Was she? She didn\u2019t even know. She knew she felt sad, she knew she felt that it was unfair that someone her age had been taken from life so soon. But she also knew that Buffy had been the Slayer. Wasn\u2019t it right that she had died saving the world and better yet her sister? Why grieve something that had happened for what mattered?<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
Cordelia gasped. Giles voice had been so sure and she blinked, realizing that tears were falling down her face. She hadn\u2019t cried since listening to Willow\u2019s message why was she crying now. He was right, Giles was right, damn it. She was grieving Buffy. Her stomach flipped on her due to the realization but confusion still screamed throughout her mind.<\/p>\n
And then Giles hugged her. It was awkward, short and it made her feel better, stronger, more sure and okay in the fact that she could miss Buffy, that she could mourn for her. He pulled back as quickly as he had hugged her and handed her a handkerchief, which she wiped at her tears with and sniffled.<\/p>\n
\u201cI just totally ruined my make up.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI won\u2019t tell a soul.\u201d<\/p>\n
Cordelia smiled and handed him back the handkerchief. \u201cThank you. For the truth.\u201d<\/p>\n
Giles smiled back at her. \u201cOf course. Thank you for stopping by, Cordelia.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m going to tell Willow, I really don\u2019t want any tea.\u201d She stood up and steeled her spine. \u201cGoodbye.\u201d<\/p>\n
Giles nodded. \u201cI do hope to see you again.\u201d<\/p>\n
Cordelia nodded and smiled as she walked toward the kitchen. It would be nice to see Giles again but a part of her couldn\u2019t help but think that she didn\u2019t really want too. The circumstances would probably be just as bleak as the current situation and bleak was something she really didn\u2019t want in her life. Bleak had been one of the things she\u2019d left Sunnydale to get away from.<\/p>\n
\u201cCordelia!\u201d Willow exclaimed jumping out of her girlfriend\u2019s arms.<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t want any tea,\u201d Cordelia said. \u201cI mean, thanks for making it and all but\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019ll leave you two alone.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou don\u2019t have to!\u201d Both Cordelia and Willow said to Tara.<\/p>\n
Tara continued her retreat and gave a wise smile. \u201cIt\u2019s Willow\u2019s turn with you. I\u2019m going to go check on Giles, then Dawn.\u201d<\/p>\n
Cordelia crossed her arms and uncomfortably glanced at Willow, who was looking just as uncomfortable. There was so much to cover and nothing really to say, at least that was what kept spinning through Cordelia\u2019s mind. What could she say to Willow? Sorry about Buffy?<\/i> Well duh, of course, it didn\u2019t really cover anything and even though Cordelia realized she was in her own grieving process now. As weird and as foreign as it felt to her, she still didn\u2019t know why she\u2019d come here and suddenly she was facing the most important person in the house. Willow.<\/p>\n
And who the hell had made Willow the most important? Cordelia asked herself and looked at her nails and realized with horror she needed to repaint her nails. \u201cWhat is will all the chipping?\u201d She muttered to herself.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThe chipping. My nail polish.\u201d She showed Willow her nails. \u201cI didn\u2019t pack any nail polish, or anything. God, I was so pathetic in my planning on this trip\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSo, you did mean it. The not coming?\u201d Willow blurted out.<\/p>\n
\u201cOh. Yeah. I did. And I didn\u2019t. Because well\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, obviously, there you are. I mean here you are and\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWe are being sad. We are being lame, and frankly I\u2019m tired of it,\u201d Cordelia said and she took a deep breath. \u201cOnly, I really don\u2019t know what to do. This isn\u2019t the type of situation I really know how to deal with. Give me a guy to flirt with, or a fashion faux pas to fix and\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, how\u2019s my outfit?\u201d Willow suddenly said. \u201cMaybe we can discuss the disaster that is me with clothes?\u201d<\/p>\n
Cordelia stepped back, as Willow moved closer to her and did a bit of a spin to show off the dress she was wearing. Cordelia raised an eyebrow and studied it closely, checked on Willow\u2019s hair, make-up and felt a smile form on her face. \u201cYou know being a lesbian has totally helped your fashion sense. It\u2019s a bit Renaissance Fair for me but it suits you, very wicca-y without being all black. I like the soft colors and your make-up \u2013 as in you wearing it \u2013 very nice. You\u2019ve come such a long way from the Softer Side Sears jumpers you used to let your mom dress you in Wil? Is Tara doing the dressing now?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWow. That was like 4 % compliment. Cordelia! You\u2019ve grown as a person.\u201d<\/p>\n
Cordelia nodded. \u201cAnd you have grown as a shopper. It\u2019s all good.\u201d<\/p>\n
Willow nodded and her eyes grew big. \u201cThat was fun. I mean I laughed, I really laughed. Wow. It was\u2026 okay. It was actually okay to laugh.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, duh.\u201d Cordelia said. \u201cShe died Willow, not your sense of humor.\u201d<\/p>\n
Willow bit her lip. \u201cIt\u2019s just, there is no Buffy. It\u2019s not right. It feels very not right. Something happens and I think I have to tell Buffy. I see shoes she\u2019d like in a window, or I think I see a Vampire and I\u2019m like\u2026 I have to tell Buffy. But there is no Buffy. Now I can only tell Dawn or Anya about the shoes\u2026 and I don\u2019t like to talk to Anya about shoes. Anya is not a person to talk to about shoes. Not that she doesn\u2019t have good taste in shoes. She has your taste in shoes. But she\u2019s not Buffy. And then there is Faith. Faith is the only Slayer now. One and only Chosen One. But no Buffy\u2026and see I laughed. And you complimented me and I want to tell Buffy. I want to tell Buffy that Cordelia Chase likes my make-up.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnya has my taste in shoes? No wonder Xander\u2019s with her.\u201d<\/p>\n
Willow laughed. \u201cSee! You made me do it again.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s okay, Willow.\u201d Cordelia stepped closer to the other woman, praying that Willow wouldn\u2019t start crying or some such thing. She didn\u2019t want more tears, Dawn\u2019s and her own were plenty.<\/p>\n
\u201cMy head knows, my heart not so much. But I won\u2019t blubber. Not in front of you. Can\u2019t cry in front of Queen C. You\u2019d do something treacherous.\u201d<\/p>\n
Cordelia smirked. \u201cTake a picture of your running mascara and get some geek to post it on the Internet for me.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSee! Evil!\u201d Willow said.<\/p>\n
\u201cOr, get it on the Sunnydale Evening News. How Not To Wear Mascara? Willow Rosenberg, Exhibit A-Z.\u201d<\/p>\n
Willow giggled. \u201cDown right satanic.\u201d<\/p>\n
Cordelia nodded and then nearly toppled over when Willow had her arms wrapped around her in a tight hug. She responded similarly, shocked by the weight of the emotions that were hitting her.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt feels all real now. Someone who wasn\u2019t here but knows is here and not it\u2019s all real.\u201d Willow whispered.<\/p>\n
Cordelia felt her throat close and her eyes start to sting and realized too late that she was going to cry again. \u201cI know. Makes it all too real for me too. I think it\u2019s why I came. I couldn\u2019t believe it unless I\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t want to believe it. I keep trying not to believe it. But it\u2019s all true. No more Buffy. But still there are things\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
Cordelia tightened the hug and just nodded against Willow\u2019s shoulder. Willow squeezed her back and then moved backward, letting her hands run down Cordelia\u2019s arms and she grabbed Cordelia\u2019s hands.<\/p>\n
\u201cThere are things\u2026 that are still\u2026 like you are still funny.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSomething has changed. You just totally copped a feel of my breasts.\u201d<\/p>\n
Willow blushed, \u201cI well, they are\u2026 don\u2019t tell Tara!\u201d Her eyes widened in alarm and she started to laugh. \u201cSee! I feel so much better and all guilty.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDon\u2019t be guilty. Lord, what is it with all of you and the guilt. There is no guilt to be had here. Everyone is guilt-free. Well, except you and the copping of a feel. Even Xander didn\u2019t cop a feel.\u201d<\/p>\n
Willow took a deep breath and rolled her eyes. \u201cI think you are a bad influence on me, Cordelia.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBetter than being a good influence. Who wants to be that?\u201d Cordelia asked, and she sighed. \u201cI need to go now Willow, I don\u2019t know how much more of this I can take. I just\u2026 you understand right? Plus, I still need to see Buffy.\u201d<\/p>\n
Willow\u2019s face fell and then grew concerned. \u201cI could go with\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cGod, no! No offense but I want to do it alone. She and I\u2026 it\u2019s personal.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cRight.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI still don\u2019t know what to say to you. You lost so much more than me.\u201d<\/p>\n
Willow shook her head. \u201cWe all lost her. The world lost her.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWorld Schmorld, Willow. She was your best friend. Screw the Slayer thing and be selfish about it. You deserve that.\u201d<\/p>\n
Willow wrinkled her nose and then got a determined look on her face. \u201cWell, okay\u2026but Cordy? I refuse to say goodbye to you. Do you have an email?\u201d<\/p>\n
Cordelia stared at the red head and saw the look on her face. Willow\u2019s determined face. Cordelia knew it, she\u2019d seen it for the first time in kindergarten and even she had known to not argue with it. \u201cYeah, at work,\u201d she muttered and took the pen and post-it Willow seemed to have grabbed out of thin air. Quickly she wrote down her email address and handed it to the girl. \u201cThere you go.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOkay, good,\u201d Willow nodded. \u201cWe\u2019ll keep in touch.\u201d<\/p>\n
Cordelia nodded, hugged Willow one more time quickly and waved goodbye \u2013 not wanting to be yelled at for saying it and hurried out of the house as quickly as she could without running. And found Faith leaning up against the hood of Angel\u2019s car her arms crossed.<\/p>\n
\u201cTook your damn time, CC. Figured you\u2019d be faster.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat the hell do you want?\u201d Cordelia asked the other Slayer. Faith was not part of her journey of Buffy-Grief. Her last stop was going to be Buffy herself and no one else.<\/p>\n
\u201cAngel.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWell take it up with him,\u201d Cordelia snapped and wondered if the woman was still a bit evil.<\/p>\n
\u201cLook, he helped me out a while back. Got Buffy to even give me another shot and now here I am. I\u2019m working hard to keep it together, keep things safe. Keep Dawn safe for Buffy\u2026 and I ain\u2019t going to say this more than once. You are going to tell Angel to meet at the Barrington Tomb in the cemetery by his mansion. Got it.\u201d<\/p>\n
Cordelia shrugged. \u201cI\u2019ll give him the message but I\u2019ll be honest, he didn\u2019t look sociable. He looked like he might want to jump into the fire place \u2013 even before he had a fire in it.\u201d<\/p>\n
Faith shrugged. \u201cWhatever, just tell him I want to see him.\u201d<\/p>\n
Cordelia got into the car and started it, staring at Faith who still stood crossed armed in front of it. \u201cI\u2019ll tell him, now move or I\u2019ll run you over.\u201d<\/p>\n
Faith laughed and moved to the side and Cordelia gunned the engine and roared off the street. She didn\u2019t even know where she was going, not back to the mansion, not yet. Not to Buffy\u2019s grave, she wasn\u2019t ready too and her head was spinning with Dawn, Xander, Giles and Willow\u2019s faces and everything that had been shared in the last hour or so.<\/p>\n