Chapter Four<\/b><\/p>\n
Ignoring the elevators Angel flew up the stairs. Unfortunately he knew too many L.A. hospitals all too well. The door crashed against the wall and anyone who was within hearing distance was smart enough not to approach the dark cloud of menace masquerading as a man. Cornering the first person he saw he issued a demand for information that allowed for no refusal.<\/p>\n
\u201cCordelia Chase?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cRo-room 415.\u201d<\/p>\n
The young orderly choked out his reply immensely relieved to be out of the way of the guy whose eyes he would swear just turned gold.<\/p>\n
Despite his desperate need to see Cordelia, Angel\u2019s footsteps slowed as he approached the door. He could hear everything; the repetitive beep of machinery, the monotonous drip of intravenous fluid, everything but the one thing he longed to hear \u2013 Cordelia\u2019s voice. As the distance diminished his fear grew, but knowing what lay beyond that door wasn\u2019t optional, it was necessity.<\/p>\n
Even if Angel had tried to prepare himself for the worst he never would have been ready for the sight that greeted him. There, on a white, sterile bed lay the pale, still form of his best friend. Tubes bombarded her from all angles supplying her with blood, fluids, and air while small monitors with their dim lights and tinny beeps displayed the cadence of her laboring systems.<\/p>\n
He didn\u2019t remember making a sound, but he must have because suddenly the two conscious occupants of the room turned his way.<\/p>\n
\u201cAngel.\u201d<\/p>\n
Wesley\u2019s relief was palpable as he saw the vampire in the doorway. The terrifying drive to the Emergency Room, watching them take Cordelia into surgery, and then sitting with her as machines took over the functions of her struggling body was slowly driving him mad. The fact that he hadn\u2019t been able to reach Angel after the initial call had also been an enormous concern as he wasn\u2019t sure that his message had gotten through. But seeing his overwhelming presence filling the door he felt the first stirrings of hope.<\/p>\n
As sincerely as both he and Gunn loved Cordelia, he knew that the bond that she and Angel shared was not just beyond his comprehension, but most likely beyond his capability. Joined on an almost spiritual level as Cordelia liked him to both The Powers and his redemption, Wesley had watched as Angel grew more and more aware that his seer held the key to that treasure.<\/p>\n
He knew that if there was anything else that could be done to help Cordelia Angel would be the one to find it. After all, when she had been cursed by Vocah Angel had taken on an underworld assassin and maimed a man to save her, and their connection had only grown stronger since then.<\/p>\n
And as much as Wesley knew that Angel would do anything for his seer, he knew the same was true of the seer for her champion. If there was one thing in this world that would make the young woman laboring to survive hold on it would be Angel\u2019s pain. Slowly but surely the vampire had become the center of Cordelia\u2019s life. If she could possibly hear him, could know of the pain that was carved into every plane of Angel\u2019s face she would fight death itself to get back to him.<\/p>\n
The ache in Angel\u2019s chest nearly pushed him to his knees as he made his way towards the bed. Reaching out to stroke Cordelia\u2019s pale face he stilled for a moment knowing that if he touched her it would shatter all hope that this was just a terrible nightmare brought about by their short separation. That fervent wish was crushed as his hand met the overheated silk of her beautiful face. Sinking in the chair that Wesley had just abandoned, Angel felt the crushing in his chest grow until he was sure that had he been human his heart would have been unable to carry on beating. Incapable of tearing his eyes away from her he choked out his friend\u2019s name, both desperate for and dreading an explanation.<\/p>\n
\u201cWesley?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cShe had a vision.\u201d Wesley paused. He\u2019d never seen so many emotions so quickly cross one person\u2019s face and certainly not the stoic vampire\u2019s \u2013 pain, guilt, and horror rolled over Angel\u2019s features along with various emotions that the ex-watcher was too exhausted to examine at this time.<\/p>\n
\u201c3 vampires down at the Star Cinema. We tried to get her to stay.\u201d This time it was Wesley\u2019s face that showed the terrible burden of guilt he was carrying. \u201cShe said she knew the theater\u2019s location and would go by herself. We thought she\u2019d be safer with us.\u201d A bitter laugh full of self-recrimination sounded in the quiet room.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhen we arrived Gunn and I started fighting while Cordelia began evacuating the patrons. We were struggling with the final vampire as Cordelia was helping the last person out; a young girl who\u2019d injured her leg in the crush of fleeing people.\u201d<\/p>\n
Taking a deep breath Wesley\u2019s mind began to replay the pictures he\u2019d been seeing all night.<\/p>\n
\u201cSomehow Cordelia must have lost her crossbow in the chaos. Gunn and I managed to bring the last vampire down, but just as the battle was coming to a close he twisted round and grabbed hold of the fallen crossbow.\u201d<\/p>\n
Sweat appeared on Wesley\u2019s brow and a slight tremor ran through him..<\/p>\n
\u201cHe was aiming for the injured girl. Angel, she didn\u2019t even hesitate. Without even a thought Cordelia threw herself in front of the teenager\u2026She didn\u2019t even seem aware at first. You could see the moment she realized that they hadn\u2019t both gotten clear, that she had a bolt lodged in her chest.\u201d<\/p>\n
This time it was Angel who was shaking as the vivid image a Cordelia\u2019s precious body being violently pierced by such a deadly projectile burned itself into his brain. If he hadn\u2019t been sitting he would have collapsed as unbearable regret streaked through him.<\/p>\n
\u201cThis is all my fault.\u201d<\/p>\n
Neither of the men who heard the whispered confession reacted. What could they say when they\u2019d spent hours thinking the very same thing. It was<\/b> Angel\u2019s fault. This mission they fought was his. He was the champion, the visions came for him, and although they all believed in the cause, at the end of the day it was the vampire who gained from what they did, who would be rewarded.<\/p>\n
And knowing that it was hard to watch him wandering off every time he had a personal crisis. It wouldn\u2019t be bad if the damn visions left when he did, but they didn\u2019t. They stayed, haunting the young seer; leaving the defense of the innocents in the hands of a girl whose tender heart would never let her turn them away.<\/p>\n
So, although they took no joy in his pain they said nothing to alleviate his anguish, the fear for their injured friend still far too fresh in their minds.<\/p>\n
But Angel didn\u2019t notice their silent condemnation, nor would he have been aware had they uttered words of comfort. No one in the room, in the world existed but the beautiful brunette whose vibrant love of life that normally lit her from within seemed even more fragile in comparison to his last memory of her, her face soft with understanding as she listened to all the reasons he was spouting about why he had to abandoned her again.<\/p>\n
In all the years since his soul had been returned Angel had never hated himself as much as he did at that moment. Cordelia was so young, so beautiful, unbelievably compassionate; she could be anything, have anything she wanted in life. She\u2019d given everything up for him, for his mission. Sure, she\u2019d say that it was their<\/b> mission, she\u2019d talk about how it gave her purpose, made her life worthwhile, but it was his\u00a0<\/b>atonement for which she sacrificed.<\/p>\n
Angel\u2019s eyes clenched tight as he thought of how he\u2019d repaid that loyalty. He\u2019d fired her, leaving her to shoulder the consequences of his sins, an unforgivable act that, had his epiphany been even slightly delayed, would have resulted in her death. He\u2019d come back only to turn around and once again dump his responsibilities at her feet because he was feeling bad that he wasn\u2019t feeling worse that Buffy died.<\/p>\n
Although it seemed reasonable to him at the time, seeing the results of his failure to be the warrior he was supposed to be made his choice glaringly reckless in retrospect. And then, to top it all off, as soon as Buffy came back he was off, leaving the woman he couldn\u2019t live without to rush to the side of the one he\u2019d just learned that he could.<\/p>\n
Grasping her hand as if somehow he could keep her there by sheer force of will, Angel held on for dear life; the terrible realization that he could lose her filling his soul, leaving him colder than his \u201cbeige\u201d period ever had. Though under normal circumstance he loved the warmth of her touch, the feverish heat of her skin felt scalding against the chill of his hands. As hope flowed fast from the gaping hole consuming his heart he knew he had to do something. But this wasn\u2019t like Vocah\u2019s curse, there were no demons to fight, no law firms to blame. And so the helpless champion did the only thing he could \u2013<\/p>\n
\u201cCordelia. It\u2019s Angel. I\u2019m here Cordy. I won\u2019t leave you again; never again. Just stay with me. Please, stay\u201d<\/p>\n
Chapter Five<\/b><\/p>\n
It had been three days and Angel hadn\u2019t stopped talking to the sleeping girl. The hospital staff had given up trying to get the frightened man to leave the young woman\u2019s bedside.<\/p>\n
Wesley and Gunn had also stopped encouraging Angel to go home to shower and eat, the Englishman instead trying to at least get his friend to have some of the blood he\u2019d brought masked in a thermos. Receiving nothing but a low growl for his trouble Wesley finally abandoned the attempts, grateful at least that the small room in the Intensive Care Unit was relatively dark having no windows except the large pane of glass that looked out into the hallway.<\/p>\n
The atmosphere of the room was choked with an air of misery and the grief. As deeply as the need to be with Cordelia was, it was almost a relief for Wesley and Gunn to escape the anguish pervading the room to the relative peace of the cafeteria to grab a quick dinner.<\/p>\n
Angel was grateful for the departure of his friends. He knew they loved Cordelia and that they too were overwhelmed with worry, but he needed to be alone with her. Though they\u2019d never talked about it there was a connection linking him and Cordelia. Whether it was because they were bound to each other by the visions or because she was the best friend he\u2019d ever had in all of his years he didn\u2019t know.<\/p>\n
But it was there. He felt it and he knew Cordelia felt it too. When it was just the two of them here he could sense it, strong and alive like a current flowing between them. They needed privacy so he could focus on that tie; fill it with his love and concern, his desperate need to look into her captivating eyes, to see her enchanting smile.<\/p>\n
But every moment of stillness drained more and more of his faith. Doubt began to creep into his mind \u2013 What if she didn\u2019t make it? What if he never saw those eyes sparkle, never watched that smile light his day. What if the last thing he said to her was that he had to leave her again to take care of some other woman while she stayed and fought his battles?<\/p>\n
Tears of despair filled his eyes and laying his head on the bed by her side he gave in to them as sobs wracked his body.<\/p>\n
A sound rippled across the dark pool of tranquility enveloping Cordelia. She\u2019d tried to push it away, to slip deeper into the warmth surrounding her, but the noise pulled at her. Heartrending, the poignant cries touched an almost instinctual need within her to comfort and calm. With an effort that robbed her of breath she forced her eyes to open.<\/p>\n
Trying to turn her head towards the suffering soul she realized that waking had been the easy part of the process. Hoping that all of this effort would be sufficiently appreciated, she finally convinced her muscles to cooperate and the source of the sadness came slowly into view.<\/p>\n
Although his face was hidden she recognized him instantly. Pain that had nothing to do with any physical injuries shot through her at the unbearable grief radiating from him. Her heart clenched at the sight as dread washed through her. With the same strength that enabled her to work through the visions Cordelia lifted her hand from its place on the bed and laid it gently on the dark head beside her.<\/p>\n
\u201cOh God, Buffy?\u201d<\/p>\n
Angel\u2019s head snapped up at the sound of her voice. Husky from lack of use it was, to the man who had longed for nothing but to hear it again, finer than the greatest of symphonies. Despite his boundless joy, confusion crossed his face. Buffy? He knew that she would probably be confused upon waking, demanding to know what happened, where she was, but this? He wasn\u2019t left wondering long.<\/p>\n
\u201cShe didn\u2019t die again?\u201d<\/p>\n
And in that moment Angel\u2019s mind recognized what his heart had known for months. He didn\u2019t just love Cordelia Chase; he was in<\/b> love with her. No one had ever cared about him with this depth, with such steadfast devotion. She\u2019d just awakened from a coma, she had to be dazed and in pain, and all she thought about was his suffering.<\/p>\n
Shame gnawed in his gut as he realized that she thought his sorrow was for Buffy. Had he really been so remiss in expressing his care for her that she thought that even at her hospital bed he\u2019d be worried about someone else? Grasping her hand he determined never to make that mistake again.<\/p>\n
Cordelia blinked at the beautiful smile that dawned on Angel\u2019s face. She\u2019d never seen anything quite like that expression on her brooding friend and for a moment she wondered if she might not still be asleep. Further confusing her was that he\u2019d gone from miserable to happy so quickly.<\/p>\n
\u201cAngel -\u201d<\/p>\n
Before she could even question the instant mood change the joyful vampire was speaking a mile a minute. Startled by the uncharacteristic verbal flood, it took Cordelia\u2019s mind a moment to process what was being said.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou didn\u2019t leave. God, you didn\u2019t leave me. I knew you\u2019d stay. You always come back; I knew you would this time.\u201d<\/p>\n
Cordelia pulled her hand from his and moved it up to caress his cheek.<\/p>\n
\u201cOf course I wouldn\u2019t leave you, Angel. I wouldn\u2019t break my promise.\u201d<\/p>\n
Angel mouth transformed into a soft smile and he caught her hand as it began to fall back to the bed. He could see the toll that comforting him was taking as her eyes slid shut once more. Panic flared to life at the thought that she might be slipping away from him again.<\/p>\n
\u201cCordy!\u201d<\/p>\n
Hearing the fear in his voice Cordelia\u2019s eyes fluttered open.<\/p>\n
\u201cI know you’re tired, but don\u2019t sleep yet. Just let me get the doctor. Stay awake, please.\u201d<\/p>\n
Unable to deny the plea in his voice, she smiled weakly.<\/p>\n
\u201cOkay, but if they come in here and start poking at me you\u2019re so gonna get it buddy.\u201d<\/p>\n
Relief shot through Angel. She was threatening him and scowling at the thought of dealing with doctors and tests, and for the first time he truly believed that things were going to be okay, that she wasn\u2019t going to leave him desolate and alone.<\/p>\n
Not wanting to let her out of his sight even for an instant, he hurried to the door, calling for a doctor; the darkness slowly seeping out of his soul as Cordelia\u2019s light rushed back in.<\/p>\n
Chapter\u00a0Six<\/b><\/p>\n
It had been three weeks now and Cordelia was about to snap. The doctors drained more blood from her than a vampire would for their never ending tests. She felt fine and she didn\u2019t understand why she couldn\u2019t have gone home days ago.<\/p>\n
But every time she suggested that Wesley would stutter out some obscure medical terms that were harder to understand than his demon lectures, Gunn would remind her, unnecessarily, that she\u2019d been shot in the chest with a crossbow bolt, and Angel, Angel was the worst. He hadn\u2019t been home once in all the weeks she\u2019d been there and his non-stop hovering was driving her insane.<\/p>\n
Wesley had given the staff some story about Angel being sensitive to sunlight so the nurses had made sure that the blinds were tightly shut during daylight hours. If Cordelia had known that would mean that she never got a moments peace as he fretted over every wince and questioned every member of the staff who was unfortunate enough to enter the room, she would have asked to be placed the brightest space in the entire hospital.<\/p>\n
She understood that they loved her and that their actions were motivated by the fear at her near death that she could still read in their eyes. But enough was enough. Her ingrained hatred of hospitals had already frayed her strained nerves and if it weren\u2019t for the fact that she was going home today she was afraid she would do something that her friends might not live to regret.<\/p>\n
As the nurse left with the last of the release papers Angel moved quickly and scooped Cordelia off the bed and into his arms before she had the chance to stand on her own.<\/p>\n
\u201cAngel. Geez, I can walk you know. I wasn\u2019t shot in the legs.\u201d<\/p>\n
A low growl sounded from the vampire. He knew that humor was the way Cordelia dealt with almost everything in her life, but there was absolutely<\/b> nothing humorous about this in his mind and there never would be. Every time he thought of how close she came to dying, his muscles tightened and pain pierced his soul like a dagger.<\/p>\n
But the rumbling sound stopped abruptly as he felt Cordelia\u2019s warm hand press against his chest.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m okay now, Angel. 50 million medical tests can\u2019t be wrong.\u201d<\/p>\n
She was doing it again. She was comforting him, soothing away his fears and doubts. He\u2019d taken it for granted before, but after almost losing her he soaked in every moment of her concern. And since he\u2019d realized he loved her these moments had given him hope that maybe, one day, she could feel something more for him than just friendship. But even if their relationship never progressed beyond this point he would thank the Powers every day of his existence for giving her back to him.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019ve been in bed a long time Cordy. I don\u2019t think you should push yourself too hard for a while.\u201d<\/p>\n
Before she could berate him further an orderly came in with an empty wheelchair. Word had spread quickly on the floor about the slightly obsessive man who hadn\u2019t left the beautiful brunette\u2019s bedside since the day she was admitted. Trying to contain his smile he explained hospital procedure to the scowling man who looked ready to fight to retain possession of the girl in his arms.<\/p>\n
\u201cI see you\u2019ve found much better traveling accommodations than this rickety old chair, but I\u2019m afraid rules say that I have to be the one to drive you down, Miss Chase.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cRickety?\u201d Angel asked as he eyed the contraption with distrust.<\/p>\n
\u201cAngel.\u201d Cordelia ground out, her frustration causing her teeth to grind. \u201cHe\u2019s just kidding. Using his sense of humor; you know, that thing you don\u2019t have.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI have a sense of humor!\u201d He defended, personally not finding anything funny about Cordelia\u2019s safety.<\/p>\n
\u201cWell you must be saving it for a rainy day, huh?\u201d Wiggling in his arms, Cordelia finally managed to get Angel to let her stand, but it was reluctant and she rolled her eyes at him as she flopped into the chair the orderly was holding for her.<\/p>\n
\u201cLet\u2019s get out of here and make it snappy, driver.\u201d<\/p>\n
Cordelia smiled over her shoulder and for a moment the man pushing her was blinded by the beaming smile. Suddenly it was clear why the dark man hovering next to her wouldn\u2019t leave her; he wouldn\u2019t either if that smile was waiting for him.<\/p>\n
Arriving outside Cordelia saw the Plymouth parked under the streetlight at the hospital entrance. As she stood she almost fell down in shock as Angel threw the keys to Gunn. Before she could even take a step towards the car she found herself once again securely wrapped in Angel\u2019s arms. With a deep sigh she resigned herself to letting Angel have his way, so she was shocked as he stepped into the back seat settling her on his lap and wrapping his arms firmly around her.<\/p>\n
About to light into the clingy vampire she tilted her face to his. The words died in her throat as she saw the pathetic look on his face as if he expected her to reject the comfort he was offering. Her disgruntled expression faded into a tender smile. This was her best friend and if he was a little needy than so what. After all, she\u2019d be home soon so she might as well let him have his way. Resting her head on his shoulder she closed her eyes as Angel pulled the sides of his coat around her.<\/p>\n
A swaying motion pulled Cordelia from her shallow slumber. Opening her eyes was greeted by the sight of the hotel lobby quickly disappearing as she peered over Angel\u2019s shoulder. Knowing that something was wrong with that picture she tried to rouse herself further.<\/p>\n
\u201cAngel? Why isn\u2019t this my apartment?\u201d<\/p>\n
Tensing for the fight he knew was coming Angel looked down at his seer. But no matter how much Cordelia argued he knew he\u2019d win because she was already at the hotel and there was no<\/b> way her was letting her leave.<\/p>\n
\u201cCordelia, you\u2019ve been in the hospital for three weeks. You can\u2019t be alone right now. And don\u2019t even mention Dennis.\u201d He cut her off before she could even begin. \u201cThere\u2019s no way you can convince me that you\u2019d be as safe with him as you will be here.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHey! You leave Dennis alone. He takes plenty good care of me. And I\u2019m not staying here!\u201d<\/p>\n
Opening the door to his room Angel walked forward and gently set Cordelia on his bed.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m definitely not staying in here Angel. I have a perfectly good room across the hallway.\u201d<\/p>\n
Angel hid his smile as he turned to retrieve the duffel bag sitting next to the bathroom. Suddenly she\u2019d gone from demanding to go home to ordering that he let her go to her room down the hall. She wouldn\u2019t win that fight either, but at least it would be easier now that she\u2019d accepted she\u2019d be staying here with him.<\/p>\n
\u201cCordelia, you\u2019ll need to stay here until you\u2019re stronger. Who knows how long that will be? I chose this room for a reason, you know. It\u2019s the most defensible in the hotel. I\u2019ll take the room next door and you\u2019ll stay here. Please, Cordelia. I haven\u2019t been able to stop worrying for three weeks now. I just need to know you\u2019re safe.\u201d<\/p>\n
He was giving her that look again, and Cordelia was starting to wonder if she was being played. But she knew his worry was genuine, and she guessed that it wouldn\u2019t kill her to stay for a few days to prove to him that she was almost as good as new.<\/p>\n
\u201cHmmph. Alright, I\u2019ll stay, but no hovering Angel.\u201d She wasn\u2019t buying the innocent look he shot her for a minute. \u201cI mean it. I know you guys have been concerned, but if I don\u2019t get to re-inflate my personal bubble the only thing you\u2019ll have to worry about is me spiking your blood with holy water.\u201d<\/p>\n
Too ecstatic at her acquiescence to be bothered by her threat, Angel brought the bag over to her, setting it on the bed.<\/p>\n
\u201cDennis packed some things for you. Why don\u2019t you change. I\u2019ll bring up some dinner, then you can take your pills and get some sleep.\u201d<\/p>\n
Cordelia wanted to argue about the pills, but Angel was out the door before the words had time to form.<\/p>\n
For a champion he sure was a big coward.<\/p>\n
Chapter Seven<\/b><\/p>\n
As was often his habit, Angel sat in the dark. But this time there was no brooding involved. Instead he felt an overwhelming sense of peace and contentment as he watched Cordelia sleeping. Seeing her laid out in his bed filled him with a sense of rightness.<\/p>\n
Sure, sometimes after visions she would come and stretch out here before she\u2019d had her own room, but this was different. Now she was in her pajamas \u2013 and emerald green tank top with some darker green cotton shorts; and tucked in between the sheets and blankets. She looked like she belonged there and for a few moments Angel let himself pretend that she did. That she\u2019d fallen asleep waiting for him to join her.<\/p>\n
Before Buffy he\u2019d never known what love was. But this was different. This was warm and welcoming. It was like finding a home that had no specific location other than wherever Cordelia was.<\/p>\n
It wasn\u2019t that he and Buffy hadn\u2019t loved each other. They truly had. But it was the love of a man who\u2019d never had anyone and a girl who didn\u2019t think she\u2019d live long enough to have anyone else. It was desperate and fraught with insecurities. It was painful but the pain made them both feel so alive that it felt like everything. And he would still believe that it was indeed everything if it wasn\u2019t for the young woman curled up in his bed, his pillow clutched to her chest.<\/p>\n
He knew that Cordelia would stake him if she woke up and found him watching her, and yet he couldn\u2019t pull himself away. Having her out of his sight even for the few minutes it took for her to shower or him to fix her dinner was almost painful for him. He hoped these anxious feelings would pass soon. He knew his constant attention was wearing on her nerves, but he couldn\u2019t help it.<\/p>\n
Angel\u2019s life had rarely been a happy thing. In the last century he\u2019d clearly run short in the bliss department. Now that he\u2019d been given a second chance to find that with Cordelia he was afraid to trust it; afraid that if he took his eyes off of her, didn\u2019t take the care with her that he should have before, he\u2019d loose her. He was afraid that someone up there would remember that his life was supposed to be nothing but endless misery and do something to ruin his burgeoning happiness.<\/p>\n
Looking at the sleeping girl he felt his doubts rise. She deserved so much more than this. She deserved a life with a man, not a demon. She deserved a beautiful wedding and a perfect family and a job that didn\u2019t put her life at risk. But he knew that he\u2019d never be able to convince her to go and after his time without her during the whole Darla debacle he\u2019d never be able to walk away. So no matter how much better her life might be without him, it seemed they were destined to be together; a fact for which, if he were to be honest, he was endlessly grateful.<\/p>\n
And in some ways he felt like a bastard. Even though he knew the visions caused her pain, a pain he\u2019d give anything to alleviate, he couldn\u2019t regret that she had them because they bound her to him, gave them a common goal on which he knew Cordelia could never turn her back. And he was no longer sure that if she could walk away that he could let her.<\/p>\n
He\u2019d left Buffy. And although their love hadn\u2019t been anything like the feelings he had now, it was his life at the time. But he\u2019d known that with the curse and Buffy\u2019s longing for a normal life he could never give her what she wanted. Now everything was different.<\/p>\n
He\u2019d already established that there could be no separation from Cordelia, and without the limitations of his the gypsy curse he was free to experience the full joy of loving her.<\/p>\n
After he\u2019d left Buffy Angel had thought that there would never be another moment of happiness in his life, so the parameters of the curse hadn\u2019t worried him overly much. But after the Doximil incident he\u2019d looked in to negating the bliss clause without releasing his soul. He\u2019d been surprised how easy it was. He hadn\u2019t left it for so many years because there was no remedy, but simply because he hadn\u2019t known that it existed.<\/p>\n
After all, it\u2019s not as if the Gypsies had given him a copy of the curse or instructions. Once he realized that Angelus was still a danger he\u2019d found someone to deal with it. It was amazing the resources to be found in L.A.\u2019s demon underground.<\/p>\n
But within days of having the matter resolved the incident with Vocah had occurred, and then the problems with Darla had started, and then he was so busy driving his friends away that he didn\u2019t want them to know that Angelus wasn\u2019t a possibility. When he\u2019d finally hit rock bottom and slept with Darla he\u2019d convinced himself that there was a possibility it hadn\u2019t worked and he could still lose his soul, but aside form the complete lack of joy he\u2019d known deep down that his cop out wouldn\u2019t work; that his soul was here to stay.<\/p>\n
After his epiphany, when he and Cordelia had finally begun to rebuild the friendship he\u2019d all but ruined, he finally confided in his best friend about the change in his curse. She\u2019d been truly happy for him, but he could almost taste the sudden fear flowing from her. Not letting up he finally forced her to reveal what had her so suddenly upset.<\/p>\n
In a small, scared voice she\u2019d asked him, \u201cAre you going back to Buffy?\u201d<\/p>\n
It wasn\u2019t often that Cordelia showed her vulnerabilities to others and every time it broke his still heart. Pulling her into his arms he\u2019d assured her that he wasn\u2019t leaving even as he silently berated himself for not realizing how insecure Cordelia would be in light of his recent desertion. Letting out the stress of months of fear she\u2019d sobbed into his chest as he rocked her gently, waiting for her tears to slow, explaining that he left Buffy for more reasons than just the curse, that they just weren\u2019t meant to be, assuring her that he\u2019d stay.<\/p>\n
He closed his eyes in regret as he realized how soon after making that pledge to Cordelia he\u2019d left her. He\u2019d thought he\u2019d had to grieve for Buffy, but after almost losing Cordelia he couldn\u2019t imagine what he would have felt had he come back to find that his absence had cost him her life. He shuddered violently as he acknowledged the pain would have been a hundred times worse than the torture he\u2019d recently endured had he truly lost her. After these past few weeks he honestly believed that losing her that way would most likely have driven him into the sun.<\/p>\n
So, he was in love with his best friend, they were stuck with each other for the rest of what he was determined to ensure would be her extremely long life, and he didn\u2019t have to worry about too much happiness. The only question left to him was what he planned to do about it.<\/p>\n
He knew without a doubt that Cordelia loved him. He just didn\u2019t know if she was in love with him. She didn\u2019t seem to be. After all, she\u2019d sent him off to see Buffy. But looking back he could hear the sadness in her voice, see the sorrow in her eyes that he hadn\u2019t let himself notice before. And a thought struck him \u2013 Maybe she was just as blind to her feelings as he\u2019d been to his. Maybe he was focusing on the wrong thing, trying to get her to love him when what he needed to be working on was just getting her to admit it.<\/p>\n
That thought brought a smile to his lips and as he settled in for a night of watching over Cordelia. Reveling in the knowledge that this wonderful feeling was love, he pondered the many ways he could woo his sure to be wary seer.<\/p>\n
TBC\u2026<\/b><\/p>\n