{"id":8234,"date":"2015-12-11T14:15:56","date_gmt":"2015-12-11T14:15:56","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/goteamfiction.com\/?p=8234"},"modified":"2015-12-11T14:16:38","modified_gmt":"2015-12-11T14:16:38","slug":"heres-to-hoping","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/goteamfiction.com\/index.php\/2015\/12\/11\/heres-to-hoping\/","title":{"rendered":"Here’s to Hoping"},"content":{"rendered":"

Title: Here’s to Hoping<\/b>
\nAuthor: <\/b>Scorch<\/strong>
\nPosted: <\/b>
\n<\/a>Email<\/b><\/a>
\nRating: <\/b>PG-13
\nCategory: <\/b>Mild Angst (funny for us!) Angel’s POV
\nContent: <\/b>B\/A (trust me) C\/A
\nSummary: <\/b>Companion to The Oscar Goes To…<\/a><\/b>
\nSpoilers: <\/b>
\nDisclaimer: <\/b>The characters in the Angelverse were created by Joss Whedon & David Greenwalt. No infringement is intended, no profit is made.
\nDistribution: <\/b>AO, Cal, Lil n Lio’s place
\nNotes: <\/b>I couldn’t help it, I needed to put the ex in place!!
\nThanks\/Dedication:<\/b>
\nFeedback:<\/b>Yes please.<\/a><\/p>\n

\n

\n

I can’t even look at her.<\/a><\/p>\n

God, how could I get myself into this mess? There’s one simple answer really and that being the very well known fact of my idiocy. I am an idiot, there I’ve said and to tell the truth, I don’t feel much better.<\/p>\n

I thought if… I don’t know what I was thinking, wait yes I do. I was thinking if this could work with someone like her then maybe I could start hoping again. So many take hope for granted and when the ability to hope is gone it seems everything else goes with it.<\/p>\n

But it wasn’t her who gave me hope back, it wasn’t her that gave me something to live for and it isn’t her who I live for. Once upon a time she was everything to me and once upon a time she did give me hope but she was also the one to take away my hope.<\/p>\n

\u201cLook at me\u201d she says, her voice low and unsurprisingly threatening.<\/p>\n

I raise my head, turning a pitifully apologetic gaze on her as I say I’m sorry. What does that word mean anymore? A thousand or more times those words have left my mouth and it sickens me to know it’s become an automatic response, that I’m not sure I even mean it when I say them to her.<\/p>\n

\u201cHow could you?\u201d the demanded question falls from pouting, shaking lips and glistening eyes.<\/p>\n

I barely hear it through the ringing in my ears, she really does have a hard hit.<\/p>\n

\u201cI left my friends for you\u201d she yells, I wince as her voice raises high.<\/p>\n

I left the woman I now know is the one and you’re talking about your friends? Do I say this to her? Not likely, after the name I said an hour ago in bed, I ain’t arguing back.<\/p>\n

\u201cSay something\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat do you want me to say?\u201d I ask quietly, all I want is to get the hell out of this room and kill something. Mainly myself.<\/p>\n

Small, deceptively harmless hands rub down her red face as she tries to hide the tears of loathing, hate and humiliation. Fingers push her hair away from her face as she clamps down on the urge to hit me. Again. \u201cTell me that was a mistake\u201d is she begging?<\/p>\n

\u201cI’m sorry\u201d there’s those words again and there’s no more meaning in them then there was the first ten times I said them. She’s not stupid, she knows I don’t and can’t be sorry for something I had no control over. That’s the problem, I did have control over this. If I’d been honest with her and myself then none of this would have happened.<\/p>\n

\u201cStop saying that\u201d she yells again and again I wince. \u201cHow long?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI don’t…\u201d my answer is cut off.<\/p>\n

\u201cHow long?\u201d there’s a pause in her words.<\/p>\n

I take a deep, calming breath that has no effect whatsoever as I prepare for the world to fall off my shoulders. \u201cA year now\u201d the admittance feels good even if it is directed to the woman whose heart I’ve probably broken.<\/p>\n

She nods \u201cA year\u201d her voice is soft, quiet and delicate as she silently ponders over my answer. \u201cA year, Angel, you knew all this time and you still let me believe… I can’t believe this. I can’t believe you\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNeither can I\u201d I hear my reply, hear the sarcasm dripping from my tongue and still I can’t believe I just talked back to her. Only my actions prevent me from laughing at the fact I feel like I just backchatted my mother. \u201cI think it’s better if I leave\u201d I need to go and find out if I’m too late.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou’re going to her, aren’t you?\u201d it’s a realisation, not a question. \u201cYou walk out that door Angel and that is it. We are finished, you won’t get another chance\u201d she’s lying there and that is sad. She would take me back and we both know it but if it makes her feel better then I’ll let her believe her own lie.<\/p>\n

\u201cI need to, Buffy\u201d I watch as her resolve to let me go all but crumbles as rationality sets in.<\/p>\n

\u201cAngel\u201d she states with authority and nervously wrings her hands as she fears the inevitable outcome. \u201cWe can work on this, I know we can\u201d her voice is full of something I’ve come to fear in the last hour. \u201cThis is us\u201d she must hate the way she’s pleading with me \u201cYou and me\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBuffy\u201d I plead with her to stop now, I can’t take this anymore, and I can’t sit here while whatever hope I may have left diminishes a little more every second. \u201cStop this\u201d my voice is harder now \u201cYou and I both know we were over the moment I left Sunnydale\u201d it’s startling just how true that statement is.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, it wasn’t… Isn’t over\u201d I watch as realisation of how she’s acting washes over her face. Silence falls between us and she begins to pace in slow, measured footsteps.<\/p>\n

The silence goes on longer and I get ansty.<\/p>\n

\u201cI have to go Buffy\u201d I need to go see if I have hope left \u201cShe won’t wait\u201d she has a life that she likes to live and she will not put that life on hold while I realise I’ve made what could arguably be the biggest mistake of my life.<\/p>\n

\u201cEven now you’re thinking of her\u201d she’s been strangely calm, I’m nervous. \u201cFine\u201d she relents a little too easily \u201cGo\u201d<\/p>\n

Nothing more is said while I get dressed and go to see if there’s hope left in the world.<\/p>\n

End of #2<\/b><\/p>\n

Scorched<\/a><\/strong><\/p>\n

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