{"id":7033,"date":"2015-08-01T21:57:52","date_gmt":"2015-08-01T20:57:52","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/goteamfiction.com\/?p=7033"},"modified":"2024-11-11T19:22:30","modified_gmt":"2024-11-11T19:22:30","slug":"to-be-alive-or-to-live-4-5","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/goteamfiction.com\/index.php\/2015\/08\/01\/to-be-alive-or-to-live-4-5\/","title":{"rendered":"To be Alive or to Live. 4-5"},"content":{"rendered":"

Chapter four<\/b><\/span><\/p>\n

Cordelia huddled up against the backboard of her bed. Her head buried in her knees. Cordelia\u2019s arms held her shaking body tightly.<\/span><\/p>\n

Why was she so upset? Why did she feel as if her world was ending? She should be happy. Angel was human. He reached his shansu. That\u2019s what she always wanted for him.<\/span><\/p>\n

It was just that Cordelia never thought beyond that moment. Possibly, because, even though Cordelia promised to be with Angel until he reached his redemption, she had believed that her mortality would cause her to leave Angel before it actually happened. Cordelia never expected that when Angel became human, she would be alive for him to leave her.<\/span><\/p>\n

But he was going to leave her. Angel was going back to Sunnydale to be with Buffy.<\/span><\/p>\n

Cordelia shouldn\u2019t be surprised. Angel loved Buffy. When Willow came to LA to tell them about Buffy\u2019s death, Angel had been devastated. For a solid month, he had stayed up in his room grieving for his lost love. The only time he would descend would be when Cordelia had a vision.<\/span><\/p>\n

Even in his suffering, Angel could sense Cordelia\u2019s oncoming pain. Angel would be at her side, holding her up. After Cordelia\u2019s pain subsided, he would go fight. Afterwards, Angel would go back upstairs to resume his solitude. Angel wouldn\u2019t let Cordelia help him.<\/span><\/p>\n

He wasn\u2019t nasty like he was with Darla. Angel just told Cordelia in sad, heavy voice that he needed to deal with Buffy\u2019s death alone.<\/span><\/p>\n

Finally, slowly, Angel rejoined them. He was still sad, but he accepted Buffy\u2019s death and started to live again. Then at the end of the summer, they called. Buffy was alive. She had been for about a month.<\/span><\/p>\n

Angel had alternated from happiness and rage at the news. One minute, he would smile; the next he would rant at the Sunnydale crowd for not telling him sooner. But, Angel\u2019s anger soon faded; he was too relieved and happy that Buffy was alive to maintain his ire.<\/span><\/p>\n

But Cordelia had no problem maintaining her anger. She silently cursed them all. She cursed Willow for hurrying to LA to break Angel\u2019s heart, when Buffy wasn\u2019t even really dead. She cursed Giles for not telling Angel that Buffy was alive sooner.<\/span><\/p>\n

They were so quick to hurt Angel, but delayed in giving him the news that would have stopped his sorrow. Selfish was what they were. Giles had justified that Buffy needed the time to regroup and get re-accustomed to her self. It was always about Buffy, never about Angel and what they had put him through.<\/span><\/p>\n

Buffy had finally called. Cordelia remembered the expression on Angel\u2019s face; she had thought the smile he given her when they returned safely from Pylea was overwhelming, but that smile was nothing compared to the one Angel glowed with during the phone call. Almost on par with the smile Angel gave at the sight of the sun.<\/span><\/p>\n

Stupid, Cordelia yelled at herself. She should have gone to the beach with Angel. Then she could have seen that smile again. Stupid, Stupid, Stupid, she repeated over and over again, slamming her fist on the mattress.<\/span><\/p>\n

But no, Cordelia had to be all self-pitying. Her life wasn\u2019t over; her best friend had just received the greatest gift. A second chance. That was a good thing, not bad. She had 24 hours left with Angel before he left her and she was going to watch him enjoy the start of his life.<\/span><\/p>\n

***<\/span><\/p>\n

Angel stood mesmerized by the sun glittering off the blue of the water. It was awe -inspiring. The whole experience was incredible.<\/span><\/p>\n

He couldn\u2019t believe that he was standing in the sun and not lighting up like a torch. Angel had made it, somehow he had accomplished his redemption, fulfilled the scroll\u2019s prophecy. Angel didn\u2019t do it alone; he knew that.<\/span><\/p>\n

It was Cordelia and Wesley. They both had given him their friendship and loyalty. They showed him by their caring that he was worth something. They gave Angel the inspiration and strength to continue on the correct path. They exhibited the true qualities of heroes, even more so than Angel. They, with their human frailties fought against evil.<\/span><\/p>\n

Especially, Cordelia. She suffered the visions just to help him, just to help others. Cornelia was the bravest of them all. She was also the best example of what life was all about; survival against adversity, faith when all was hopeless, humor in the face of horror and beauty in the midst of the world\u2019s ugliness.<\/span><\/p>\n

A frown flickered briefly over Angel\u2019s countenance. What would happen to his seer? Angel wasn\u2019t a warrior for the powers now. Would the PTB continue to give Cordelia visions? No, Angel panicked, they couldn\u2019t. Cordelia was his seer, he didn\u2019t need a seer anymore. They would have to relieve her of that burden. Angel hoped.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cPlease tell that\u2019s not a brood moment I see you dwelling in,\u201d Cordelia chided gently.<\/span><\/p>\n

Angel jumped and turned. \u201cI didn\u2019t hear you or smell you, for that matter.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cEww, you use to smell me, please, yuck,\u201d the young woman wrinkled up her nose.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo, you smelt\u2026..fine,\u201d Angel stuttered, his brow creasing. Angel missed the sweet, spicy scent that floated in the air, whenever Cordelia entered his sphere of perception. It had been comforting, tantalizing and no longer in his capabilities to sense.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cFine, Umph,\u201d Cordelia snorted. She went up next to Angel and leaned over the boardwalk railing. \u201cIt is pretty, isn\u2019t it?\u201d Her eyes focused on the rolling waves.<\/span><\/p>\n

Angel sighed. \u201cYes. I never thought I would ever see the beach again, at least not during the day.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cPooh, I knew. I just didn\u2019t know when. But it\u2019s now. This is so awesome. Wow. You\u2019re human,\u201d Cordelia turned and flashed a big warm smile at Angel.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYeah,\u201d Angel agreed in awe.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cAnd tomorrow, you will leave and start your real life,\u201d Cordelia turned back to the water.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cCordy, my life here was real,\u201d Angel quietly refuted.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cReal maybe, but not what you wanted. What you want, what you always wanted is in Sunnydale. So you are going. I\u2019ll miss you. I\u2019m sorry if I was a bitch earlier. I was just feeling selfish and stuff. I just wanted us all to be together one last time before everything changed, that\u2019s all.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI have to go Cordelia, and try.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI know.\u201d Cordelia said with more wisdom than her years warranted.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s just that when I thought she died\u2026\u2026.it was so\u2026\u2026.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI know Angel, it\u2019s okay. I understand.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Angel stared at his beautiful friend. \u201cYou do don\u2019t you. You always understand.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo,\u201d Cordelia snorted. \u201cI still don\u2019t have a clue as to why you would sleep with that skanky vamp Darla, risking everything.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Angel grimaced. Cordelia had been livid when she found out about his attempt at soul suicide. She had scared him. Cordelia ranted and raved for an hour straight. And he stood there and took it. Because for one he deserved it and for another if he had walked out on her, Angel knew he would find his blood diluted with holy water or worse Cordelia would leave him.<\/span><\/p>\n

Cordelia had been that mad and Angel had been that scared. Then after Cordelia\u2019s vicious rampage had ceased, she wouldn\u2019t talk to him for two weeks. Then suddenly, Cordelia started to talk to him again, saying that she understood, but making him promise never to be so stupid again. Angel had happily obliged, just relieved to have his best friend back.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYes, you did. You just thought it was incredibly dumb. And you were right.\u201d Angel corrected.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHumph. My advice to you is to leave that particular yucky little incident alone in your upcoming heart to heart with Buffy. I don\u2019t think she would understand.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Angel nodded. Cordelia was right. Buffy wouldn\u2019t understand, not like Cordelia had.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cCome with me,\u201d Angel said suddenly. She had been his lifeline for what seemed to be forever, he couldn\u2019t imagine Cordelia not being there, for him.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cTo Sunnyhell. I think not. Been there, done that horror trip.\u201d Cordelia shuddered.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo, my life is here now. And I don\u2019t want ever to go back. Back to being regulated to the unwanted cousin at the Scooby Brigade\u2019s Buffy lovefests. Anyway, why would I want to subject myself to more demon and vampire fighting. With you human, the Powers won\u2019t need me to be a seer anymore. Bye, Bye pain- numbing visions. Normal life for Cordelia Chase, aspiring actress,\u201d she snorted.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cCordy,\u201d Angel stumbled trying to find the right words.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo, Angel. This is where we part company. Well, tomorrow. I said I would stay with you until you shansued. Viola, you shoed. And now, you can start living. I love you. You have become my best friend, but I don\u2019t belong in Sunnydale, not anymore, if I ever did.\u201d Cordelia interrupted quietly.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI love you, too,\u201d Angel responded, not understanding how those three words could sound so right and cause such a empty hole in his chest. \u201cI\u2019ll miss you.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI know. I\u2019m hard to forget.\u201d Cordelia laughed.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYes, you are.\u201d Angel said honestly. \u201cThank you for everything.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJust part of the job,\u201d she quipped, wiping at her eyes. \u201cDamn, sand in my eyes,\u201d Cordelia grumbled. She straightened. \u201cSeen enough\u2026..Time to go back and party, Pinocchio. Gunn is going to the library to pick up Fred, then get Wesley. We’re all meeting at Caritas at 6:00pm. So, we better hurry if we are going to get you in some human cheery clothes. No more black needed.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cCaritas?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSure, won\u2019t mojo bonanza guy be surprised. No more beige soul for you. Now, I\u2019m sure it\u2019s a rainbow of bright colors. Come on.\u201d Cordelia pulled at his arm.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cBonanza?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Cordelia rolled her eyes. \u201cTV Land. Lorne Green, as in Lorne the green demon, the Battlestar Galactic guy. Really, if you had said that I would have known. Battlestar Galactic was in my rerun age. Oh, I called Kate, but she has an interview with the Manhattan District Attorney\u2019s office tomorrow, so she couldn\u2019t fly back. Jeez, it still weird to think that cop girl was actually a lawyer girl, uh?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cKate\u2019s father didn\u2019t like lawyers, so she became a cop instead.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWell, in LA who could blame him.\u201d Cordelia shrugged. \u201cLet\u2019s go. It will be you, me, Wesley and our extended family, Gunn, Fred and Lorne. It will be fun. Your last hurrah in LA.\u201d She smiled.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYes. It will,\u201d Angel said. He was going to celebrate his redemption with people who cared about him and that he cared about. Then he would be going to Buffy.<\/span><\/p>\n

Angel should be ecstatic, but for some reason, he felt a solid ache in his heart.<\/span><\/p>\n

\n

Chapter five<\/b><\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWelcome, Welcome kids, so what brings the forces for good out this evening?\u201d Lorne widely beckoned Cordelia, Wesley, Gunn, Fred, and Angel in. \u201cWhoa,\u201d Lorne exclaimed as his eyes centered on Angel. \u201cThe big guy is a big human guy, wow\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYep, and it\u2019s time to party,\u201d Cordelia added.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cUnuh,\u201d the host nodded. \u201cI\u2019m at a loss for the proper flair, this is \u2026..wow. I seem to have been definitely dropped from the Higher\u2019s loop.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo excuses, the drinks are on you,\u201d Cordelia said.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cOf course, precious princess,\u201d Lorne nodded and bowed.<\/span><\/p>\n

Cordelia curled her lip. \u201cShut up and give us Champagne and don\u2019t stop pouring. Got it.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYes, highness, It seems you haven\u2019t loss your \u2018important\u2019 voice.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cCordy, never leaves home with out it,\u201d chuckled Gunn.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHumph, let\u2019s grab that table,\u201d Cordelia pointed to the table in the corner off to the left of the stage. \u201cGreen guy, you are going to join us, right,\u201d Cordelia added hopefully.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI wouldn\u2019t miss the festivities.\u201d The host promised.<\/span><\/p>\n

Cordelia gave a tight pleased smile.<\/span><\/p>\n

The host watched Cordelia lead the group to the table. Her smile was big, bright and false. Cordelia\u2019s soul was hurting. Lorne winced at the pain settled within the young woman.<\/span><\/p>\n

It was hurting a lot. Cordelia\u2019s aura swirled around her, lost and broken.<\/span><\/p>\n

Lorne shook his head. He hadn\u2019t had a whiff of the Power\u2019s plan. But he began to doubt whether it was as straight- forward as Angel getting his humanity.<\/span><\/p>\n

Those Powers could be some tricky obscure sons of bitches.<\/span><\/p>\n

***<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cChampagne, my happy group,\u201d Lorne popped the cork. \u201cIt\u2019s time to celebrate. So, Big guy, what\u2019s the first thing you\u2019re going to do now that you\u2019ve won, go to Disneyland?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo, Sunnydale,\u201d Cordelia answered before Angel could speak, her smile wide.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cOh, the hell burg. Why?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cBuffy,\u201d Cordelia answered again. \u201cThe love of his life, the spectacular slayer. Angel is going to Buffy, the young woman that enthralled a souled vampire\u2019s heart. Well, the vamp is no longer a vamp. And destiny can now be fulfilled. Now that Angel is alive he can start living,\u201d Cordelia nodded enthusiastically as she babbled.<\/span><\/p>\n

Angel stared. He didn\u2019t know if he was comfortable with Cordelia waxing on and on about Buffy. It didn\u2019t seem right.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cMakes sense,\u201d Lorne answered. Like hell, he thought. \u201cSo, what\u2019s this then the big goodbye, shove off into the human life, grand farewell,\u201d he asked.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s a celebration. Angel has gotten what he has always wished for,\u201d Fred said in a small voice. Her gaze lingering on Angel. Her smile was sweet and adoring. Fred loved him. She loved all of them. Everyone at the table had saved her, shown her friendship.<\/span><\/p>\n

And she wanted nothing but the best for all of them. Fred frowned and looked at Cordelia. Cordelia was smiling, lighting up the room, but she seemed sad. Fred\u2019s eyes widened.<\/span><\/p>\n

How dumb could she be? Cordelia didn\u2019t want Angel to leave. Cordelia loved him, really loved him. Fred sighed and slunk her shoulders. Now, she was upset. Fred didn\u2019t want any of her new friends to be hurting.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSomeone needs to sing,\u201d Cordelia piped out.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat?\u201d \u201cNo way!\u201d \u201cWhen hell freezes over!\u201d “I can’t sing.” The rest of the table responded.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cPooh, this is a big night, a night of changes, I think we all should let Lorne do his mojo readings.\u201d Cordelia exclaimed.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo,\u201d Angel cried. \u201cMy heart is beating, but my voice hasn\u2019t gotten better.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo, the princess is right,\u201d the host interrupted. \u201cAnd Cordycakes, you go first.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cMe, no\u2026..\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYour idea, you do it.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYeah!\u201d Go for it!\u201d \u201cIt serves you right.\u201d The table clamored.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHumph, fine\u2026\u2026but I don\u2019t know what to sing.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJust let fate take over, darlin. Just spin the dial and whatever lands, sing it.\u201d Lorne said. The host really wanted to read her. Something was going on and he wanted to know what.<\/span><\/p>\n

The chant of \u2018Go Cordy, Go Cordy, raised in the air, accompanied by the sound of hands pounding on the wooden table\u2019s surface.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019ll are so dead,\u201d Cordelia grumbled as she stalked to the stage.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThis will be phat,\u201d Gunn crowed.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI wouldn\u2019t be so sure about that,\u201d cautioned Wesley. \u201cYou\u2019ve heard Cordelia sing before, she\u2019s almost as bad as Angel.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHey,\u201d Angel interrupted.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSorry,\u201d Wesley coughed.<\/span><\/p>\n

***<\/span><\/p>\n

Cordelia stood on the stage. Oh god, there were so many other places she would rather be, the Rivera, Saks, the Penny Saver, the sewers, anywhere else. She took a deep breath and pushed the scroll button on the machine that housed her future embarrassment. She shut her eyes and lifted her finger up.<\/span><\/p>\n

The chosen song appeared on the screen. The music started up in the background. She took another deep breath and started.<\/span><\/p>\n

Games, changes and fears
\nWhen will they go from here
\nWhen will they stop
\nI believe that fate has brought us here
\nAnd we should be together
\nBut we\u2019re not
\nI play it off but I\u2019m dreaming of you
\nI\u2019ll keep my cool but I\u2019m fiendin
\nI try to say goodbye and I choke.
\nI try to walk away and I stumble
\nThough I try to hide it, it\u2019s clear
\nMy world crumbles when you are not near
\nGoodbye and I choke
\nI try to walk away and I stumble
\nThough I try to hide it, it\u2019s clear
\nMy world crumbles when you are not near<\/i><\/span><\/p>\n

I may appear to be free<\/span>
\nBut I\u2019m just a prisoner of your love<\/span>
\nI may seem alright and smile when you leave<\/span>
\nBut my smiles are just a front<\/span>
\nI play it off but I\u2019m dreamin\u2019 of you<\/span>
\nI\u2019ll keep my cool but I\u2019m fiendin<\/span>
\nI try to say goodbye and I choke<\/span>
\nI try to walk away and I stumble<\/span>
\nThough I try to hide it, it\u2019s clear<\/span>
\nMy world crumbles when you are not near<\/span>
\nGoodbye and I choke<\/span>
\nI try to walk away and I stumble<\/span>
\nThough I try to hide it it\u2019s clear<\/span>
\nMy world crumbles when you are not near<\/span><\/p>\n

Here is my confession<\/span>
\nMay I be your possession<\/span>
\nBoy I need your touch<\/span>
\nYour love kisses and such<\/span>
\nWith all my might I try<\/span>
\nBut this I can\u2019t deny<\/span><\/p>\n

I play\u2026\u2026..<\/span><\/p>\n

The words strangled in Cordelia\u2019s throat as she grabbed at her head and stumbled along the stage.<\/span><\/p>\n

The host stood back as Angel, Wesley and Gunn ran towards Cordelia.<\/span><\/p>\n

Damn, Lorne thoughts, the Powers were up to something and things were about to become\u2026\u2026he wished he could say interesting, but complicated was more apt.<\/span><\/p>\n

Angel was a second behind Gunn. The young black man picked Cordelia off the floor. Angel stood by, his chest panting. For the first time since Angel became human he regretted it. If he had still been a vampire, he would have sensed the oncoming vision. Angel would have been at Cordelia\u2019s side, holding her keeping her from being sprawled out on the floor.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cCordelia,\u201d Wesley asked.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cBig ugly, down on the docks a load of potential feed fodder.\u201d Cordelia winced as another flash of pain pierced through her skull. \u201cSo much for my retirement, uh,\u201d she choked.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhere?\u201d Angel asked, aching to push Gunn away and gather Cordelia in his arms. That was his place. Angel always comforted Cordelia after a vision.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo,\u201d Cordelia struggled. She opened one eye. \u201cIt\u2019s not for you. You aren\u2019t my warrior anymore.\u201d She grimaced as another pain shot through her, this time through her heart. \u201cThis is for him.\u201d She turned to the back of the stage.<\/span><\/p>\n

The air whorled and shook, in a blast of vacuum a body tumbled out.<\/span><\/p>\n

The man got up immediately, his strong form straightening, his long hair settling around his shoulders. He looked around perplexed, then his wandering gaze fell on Cordelia.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cPrincess,\u201d he exclaimed, running to her side, pushing Gunn away. \u201cYou are in need of me,\u201d he cupped her face in his broad hands.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHi, Groo,\u201d Cordelia whispered.<\/span><\/p>\n

PART TWO<\/a><\/b><\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Chapter four Cordelia huddled up against the backboard of her bed. Her head buried in her knees. Cordelia\u2019s arms held her shaking body…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-7033","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-completed-fics"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/goteamfiction.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7033","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/goteamfiction.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/goteamfiction.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/goteamfiction.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/goteamfiction.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=7033"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/goteamfiction.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7033\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":13514,"href":"https:\/\/goteamfiction.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7033\/revisions\/13514"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/goteamfiction.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=7033"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/goteamfiction.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=7033"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/goteamfiction.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=7033"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}