Chapter 23<\/b><\/p>\n
Willow stood at the doorway of Connor\u2019s room. \u201cBuffy, are you okay?\u201d<\/p>\n
The pretty blonde turned clear-eyed from the empty crib and rumpled bed. \u201cI have to apologize to him. I shouldn\u2019t have acted like that not in front of the baby. Angel\u2019s mad.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBuffy,\u201d Willow took a deep breath. \u201cThat\u2019s not why he left.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOf course it is.”<\/p>\n
\u201cBuffy, Angel\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWillow, you\u2019re going to say he left because he loves Cordelia.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBuffy, you can\u2019t deny how he\u2019s reacted since she\u2019s come back. You can\u2019t deny what you saw,\u201d pointing to the bed. \u201cI\u2019m sorry, but Angel loves Cordelia.\u201d<\/p>\n
Buffy nodded. \u201cThat\u2019s what he says but he also said he loves me. Of course, he chose Cordelia; she died to save Connor and just came back from the dead. He’s all mixed up- feeling gratitude, shock, and guilt over her death and reappearance- of course, he thinks it’s love. And he also probably feels guilty that he was with me. You know, it\u2019s not a fair fight. How do you fight someone that has come back from the dead? Everyone is on their side. But, if Cordelia hadn\u2019t died\u2026.\u201c<\/p>\n
\u201cBuffy, if she hadn\u2019t died then it\u2019s very doubtful that Angel would\u2019ve left Los Angeles.\u201c<\/p>\n
\u201cHe would\u2019ve. His soul wasn\u2019t bound until then. Angel couldn\u2019t have come. The timing is the problem\u2026If she had been alive when he did it-he wouldn\u2019t have all these mixed up feelings.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBuffy, don\u2018t do this\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo, Willow, I\u2019m right. Anyway, it\u2019s all moot, Cordelia is dead\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBuffy.\u201d Willow exclaimed.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat? It\u2018s not like I\u2018m wishing she were dead or anything. She\u2018s already dead and going back to heaven. It\u2019s a cool place; she\u2019ll like it there. Angel will need me then. I just have to apologize, let him know that I still love him and wait.\u201d Buffy pushed past her friend.<\/p>\n
\u201cCome on, maybe they found something out. The quicker this stupid apocalypse is over, the quicker I can have my life back.\u201d<\/p>\n
Willow glanced over to Dawn who had come out of her bedroom.<\/p>\n
Dawn watched her sister go down the stairs. \u201cYou don\u2019t think that Angel will come back to Buffy when this is all over.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t think banking on Cordy\u2019s being dead is a good thing for Buffy to base her happiness on. And what we’ve been seeing is a lot more than gratitude and guilt.” Willow shook her head. \u201cLet\u2019s go.\u201d<\/p>\n
***<\/p>\n
Angel\u2019s first thought as he awakened was one of annoyance at the body draped over him.<\/p>\n
Buffy knew he didn\u2019t like closeness after sex, he may have never actually told her that or the reason, but she knew he would rather leave the bed than endure it- his annoyance was followed quickly by guilt. He couldn\u2019t do this much longer- taking Buffy\u2019s love and using it for comfort. It wasn\u2019t working now, if it ever had and it wasn’t fair to her.<\/p>\n
If Angel wasn\u2019t lying to her in words, he was in thoughts and dreams. The guilt was real, but so was the annoyance and it was stronger, Buffy was interrupting his dream.<\/p>\n
But before Angel could move the warmth off him, a third thought followed just as quickly as the other two- that thought was one of surprise that Angel\u2019s body was responding quite actively and happily to the invasion of his space and dreams. His rock hard penis was straining to find an entrance to the warmth as his hands moved slowly along silky flesh.<\/p>\n
Angel\u2019s fourth thought which occurred exactly 2 seconds after the first was that he was an idiot as the warm blanket shifted and feathery touches glided on his shaft. His cock jumped into the finger\u2019s touch, it\u2019s brain obviously more alert than his big brain upon waking. Angel breathed in the scent that wasn\u2019t a dream. His mind immediately joined his body in its desire, thoughts of Buffy and guilt completely gone.<\/p>\n
\u201cCordelia Chase, are you trying to take advantage of me?\u201d Angel\u2019s eyes slowly opened into the face that comprised his dreams.<\/p>\n
Two very beautiful hazel eyes greeted him. \u201cI have no idea what you are talking about, Angel,\u201d her face the picture of pure wide-eyed innocence as her hand took wicked strokes along the base of his shaft.<\/p>\n
\u201cOh, I think you do,\u201d chuckling, Angel\u2019s finger\u2019s slowing tracing down her skin, marveling at the tingling silk, his broad hand skimmed to her center gratified to find it already hot and moist. \u201cI think you weren\u2019t even going to wait for me.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019re a slow poke, now this little guy does exactly what I want when I want it. Who needs you?\u201d she grinned, her fingers becoming firm as she shifted her hips to embrace the tip of the said little guy.<\/p>\n
\u201cLittle?\u201d Angel raised his brows as he pushed her hips down fully encasing him.<\/p>\n
Cordelia gasped her teeth clenching on her bottom lip. \u201cThat may have been a bad choice of word, yes, very bad,\u201d moaning as her hips started to move.<\/p>\n
\u201cSlow poke, uh?\u201d He grinned.<\/p>\n
\u201cDidn\u2019t like that either?\u201d Her grin wide as her eyes stared through heavy lids.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou’re just full of wrong vocabulary choices this morning, young lady.\u201d He sat up withdrawing, hiding his cringe at the loss and the angry twitching of his cock.<\/p>\n
\u201cAngel.\u201d Cordelia whined.<\/p>\n
\u201cSo, the \u2018little\u2019 guy will do whatever you want when you want?\u201d Angel\u2019s brows raised the smirk was firmly in place. Ignoring the fact that if the \u2018little\u2019 guy could it would ram a stake in Angel\u2019s chest, leaving the \u2018little\u2019 guy to dance merrily through the ashes straight back to Cordelia.<\/p>\n
Cordelia leaned up her face a study of contemplation. \u201cAre you daring to challenge my powers of seduction?\u201d<\/p>\n
Angel\u2019s face remained passive as he stared at the beautiful body kneeling before him, loving every twinkle in the hazel eyes, the elegant brows raised in disdain and the determination forming on the pouty lips.<\/p>\n
Cordelia was so real and beautiful, so full of life. It had to be forever. Angel pushed down his fear, not wanting to feel it. He couldn\u2019t.<\/p>\n
God, Angel was an idiot. What was he doing all the way over there? His cock screamed the same question as it strained trying to leave Angel\u2019s body to go back where it belonged. Who the fuck was he kidding? Angel lunged taking Cordelia\u2019s body down driving his \u2018little\u2019 guy back home.<\/p>\n
Cordelia laughed. \u201cWithout lifting a finger, I am so IT.\u201d She giggled.<\/p>\n
\u201cShut up and kiss me,\u201d Angel growled.<\/p>\n
Cordelia shook her head as Angel moved to seize her lips. \u201cSay it. Come on. Admit it.\u201d<\/p>\n
Angel paused, the laughter gone from his eyes- only love showed. \u201cYou are so IT, Cordelia Chase,\u201d he said huskily catching her lips.<\/p>\n
Chapter 24<\/b><\/p>\n
Cordelia couldn\u2019t breathe. Okay, that may be an exaggeration, but not by much.<\/p>\n
She tried to lift up her body, but it was impossible. Cordelia\u2019s upper body was trapped by an unmovable weight. She jerked her head, her eyes settling on the dark head firmly perched under her chin. Her brows rose at the slight slurping sound and the moist pockets left on her skin.<\/p>\n
Geez. The big badass vampire was worse than his son, dead to the world and sucking on her like she was a giant pacifier.<\/p>\n
Cordelia tried to stretch, but the only part of her body that didn’t seem to be held down by Angel was her big toe and that wasn’t the part that needed to be stretched. She tried to wiggle her hands free, but failed miserably as her actions merely caused the vampire to tighten the steel band across her chest and the one across her legs, tucking her even closer into his body, her hips locked to his.<\/p>\n
Damn, Cordelia’s nose itched and she had to go to the bathroom. Oh and the breathing thing would be nice, too. Cordelia tried again nudging her hips and pushing at Angel’s arms. Okay, that didn’t work either.<\/p>\n
Swear to god, the vampire was trying to fold her up and scrunch her into a human body pillow. She bucked against him again. Damn, the only thing she awakened was the ‘little’ guy and the innocent sucking was becoming kisses and licks.<\/p>\n
“Angel, stop. WAKE UP.” Cordelia pushed.<\/p>\n
“What? What’s wrong?” The vampire jumped, trying to sense any danger.<\/p>\n
Cordelia coughed, sitting up. “Nothing, except you were trying to smother me. Human-demon mix that needs to breathe, that\u2019s me.<\/p>\n
Angel blinked. “That’s it?”<\/p>\n
“Yeah\u201d Cordelia shook her head. \u201cAnd\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
“Oh, Okay.” Angel got back in bed grabbing her this time pulling her up over his body, wiggling his back into the mattress and adjusting Cordelia’s arms and legs over him, nuzzling back into her neck.<\/p>\n
“Angel.” Cordelia gritted her teeth. Talk about cuddly care bear with fangs. She didn’t get it. He never was like this when Connor was in bed with them. Good thing too, the baby would\u2019ve been smooshed.<\/p>\n
Sure, sometimes he would get close, their bodies touching and everything. But, Geez, the vampire was trying to crawl into her skin, not allowing for an inch between them. Which, Cordelia had to admit, she had enjoyed up until now. Her bladder was about to burst.<\/p>\n
Angel opened a closed eye. “You can breath.”<\/p>\n
“I’m not your blanket, let me up.”<\/p>\n
“No.” Angel circled his arms around her waist. “Sleep.”<\/p>\n
Oh no, he didn’t. The damn vampire was back asleep or at least part of him was. Damn Mr. happy was doing the happy dance on her stomach.<\/p>\n
“Angel, let me up,” whacking the vampire\u2019s head.<\/p>\n
“Why?” whining.<\/p>\n
“Angel, my nose itches, my arm’s asleep waiting for the pins and needles to show up and I have to go to the BATHROOM. Let me up, Geez.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOh.\u201d Angel reluctantly released his hold.<\/p>\n
\u201cGeez, you need a teddy bear.\u201d<\/p>\n
Angel followed the young woman to the bathroom opening the door and going in.<\/p>\n
\u201cAngel.\u201d Cordelia looked up. \u201cDoes the concept of \u2018personal bubble\u2019 no longer have any meaning for you? Get out.\u201d She got up flushing the toilet, grumbling at her reflection in the mirror. \u201cI’d kill for a toothbrush.\u201d She turned. \u201cAngel, you haven\u2019t left.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cCordy, you don\u2019t like cuddling with me?\u201d<\/p>\n
Cordelia blinked. The vampire actually said \u2018cuddling\u2019. Cordelia blinked again, Angel looked like she had just kicked his puppy or stolen the last piece of chocolate cake, if the vampire had a puppy or liked chocolate cake, that is.<\/p>\n
Cordelia sighed. \u201cAngel, I love \u2018cuddling\u2019 with you, I don\u2019t even mind being squished and molded into your favorite pillow or blanket, hell, I don\u2019t even mind being your pacifier, BUT I had to go to the bathroom. Bathroom, Angel, something that should be done alone\u2026without an audience.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cPacifier?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cPacifier.\u201d Cordelia repeated pointing to the hickie on her neck.<\/p>\n
A slight smile formed on Angel\u2019s face, his fingers brushing the mark. \u201cYou taste good.\u201d<\/p>\n
Cordelia let out a long drawn out sigh. \u201cYou are such a big baby, you know that. She turned back towards the shower.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat are you doing?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cShower\u201d,<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cCleanliness close to godliness, duh.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBut, why?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBecause…,\u201d The word drawn out and said slowly. Damn, Cordelia never knew the vampire to be this dense. \u201cThat\u2019s what people do when they get up, they go bathroom, take a shower, brush their teeth and put on clean clothes – if they’re lucky enough to have either,\u201d she added grumbling,<\/p>\n
“then, they start their day. Angel, we\u2019re starting our day- you know getting up so we can go help our friends fight the powers of evil and darkness, save the world.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNot a day person. Can\u2019t go anywhere.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWe\u2019ll take the ugly bedspread.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWe can\u2019t do that, Cordy, that\u2019s stealing AND destruction of property.\u201d<\/p>\n
Cordelia blinked. The vampire actually said that ludicrous statement with a straight face. She’d have bought that he was serious too except that the \u2018little\u2019 guy was \u2018raising the roof\u2019. Cordelia’s eyes traveled back up to Angel\u2019s eyes.<\/p>\n
The brown eyes were no longer glazed with sleep or hurt feelings; they were just burning with a deep very dark want. Okay, Angel was serious.<\/p>\n
\u201cHmmph. Oh, all right,\u201d she grabbed Angel\u2019s hand leading him back to bed.<\/p>\n
The smile on her face completely ruined the effect of her exasperated tone.<\/p>\n
Chapter 25<\/b><\/p>\n
Buffy’s eyes went immediately to the sleeping baby on the couch snuggled in Fred’s lap. She hadn’t seen Angel’s car outside, but if Connor was here then the vampire must be.<\/p>\n
She glanced around the main room of the Magic Shoppe but she didn’t see Angel, her brow wrinkled, she didn’t see Cordelia either.<\/p>\n
“Where’s…”<\/p>\n
“Shh.” Fred glared up from the couch towards the pretty blonde. “He’s finally asleep. Poor baby has been cranky all night.” Fred’s tone and expression gave no room for doubt on who Fred blamed for Connor’s restless night.<\/p>\n
“Buffy, come on. Maybe Wesley has found out something.” Willow nudged the irritated slayer away from the even more irritated woman on the couch.<\/p>\n
With one another look towards the baby, Buffy followed. “I didn’t kick Connor and Angel out.”<\/p>\n
“But you did kick Cordelia out, Buffy and well the result was…” Willow shrugged.<\/p>\n
“That’s because she’s dead. He’s just…”<\/p>\n
“No, she’s not.” Fred glared, interrupting hearing Buffy’s statements. Fred hadn\u2019t been going to say anything else, even though, she really wanted to know what kind of person kicks a small child out of their house in the middle of the night.<\/p>\n
And like Angel would have stayed without Cordelia. Buffy was high if she thought that would\u2019ve happened. But, Fred still didn\u2019t say anything because Willow had pointed out the idiocy of Buffy\u2019s claim.<\/p>\n
But that last statement, Fred just couldn\u2019t let it stand. It was SO wrong. Fred leaned over settling Connor on the cushions and headed purposely over to the two women.<\/p>\n
“Cordy’s not dead. Lorne read her soul. She’s alive. Angel’s going to fix whatever’s wrong with her. That’s where they are fixing it- together.” Fred\u2019s arms were across her chest, her eyes daring Buffy to argue with her.<\/p>\n
“Kitten,\u201d Lorne walked up. “Go do the computer whiz stuff, I’ll watch the little one.”<\/p>\n
“Tell her, Lorne, tell her.”<\/p>\n
“I will,” pushing Fred towards Wesley.<\/p>\n
“Hmmph.” Fred glared once more at Buffy and went to her laptop.<\/p>\n
“Lorne?” Buffy turned to the demon.<\/p>\n
“The Princess is alive. Her soul is definitely earthbound.”<\/p>\n
“But, she kept saying…”<\/p>\n
Lorne looked sympathetically at the blonde. “Why she lied, I can’t say, but Angelcakes will find out. Honey, I told you he loved her. It’s the real thing.” Lorne sighed at the angry look Buffy flashed him.<\/p>\n
The young woman was going to have to learn the hard way. Lorne picked up Connor and started humming.<\/p>\n
***<\/p>\n
Cordelia leaned up, smiling as Angel tightened the hold on her waist. Angel seemed to finally realize even in his sleep that being a blanket was better for her breathing than a pillow, but he still wouldn\u2019t let her move away from him.<\/p>\n
She traced a finger along his face. He was so beautiful. God, she wished this was real. She damn while better be able to keep her memories in heaven. \u201cAngel,\u201d whispering.<\/p>\n
\u201cBathroom, again?\u201d whining.<\/p>\n
\u201cNo, dork. Time to get up.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d Angel growled, hugging her tighter.<\/p>\n
\u201cAngel, just like we can\u2019t run, we can\u2019t hide here. We have to go.\u201d<\/p>\n
Cordelia\u2019s heart broke at the sudden vulnerability revealed in the vampire\u2019s dark eyes as he stared at her. Why did she think that the last smiling hours would last?<\/p>\n
Somehow, she had to make sure that Angel would be happy that he would continue on the mission that his soul would be redeemed. Otherwise, what had been the point of her life? Cordelia knew objectively that it wasn\u2019t exactly healthy to intertwine yourself with other person so much that you lose track of where you begin and the other ends.<\/p>\n
Cordelia smiled more to herself than to the vampire. It was a little late for her to worry about that one. Angel\u2019s life had been her\u2019s since\u2026Cordelia couldn\u2019t even remember, it just was. Oh well. Angel had been her priority in life, now he would be in death. She would figure it out.<\/p>\n
\u201cAngel.\u201d<\/p>\n
The vulnerability had disappeared, now all Cordelia saw was anger. She watched sadly as the vampire left her, slamming the bathroom door.<\/p>\n
There had to be away to get Angel to realize that he would be okay. Make him see he didn\u2019t really need her anymore. Angel had his own humanity now. He had grown so much in the last few years. Angel didn\u2019t need hers. He just had to believe that and let his family help him. He had moved on. Angel just forgot.<\/p>\n
Cordelia scrunched up her face. Angel had moved on. Cordelia leaned back on the bed trying to remember exactly what Skip had said about Buffy and Angel.<\/p>\n
Chapter 26<\/b><\/p>\n
Angel stood in the shower watching the spray of water spatter against the porcelain, not allowing any of the cleansing water to touch him.<\/p>\n
He couldn\u2019t do it. What had Cordelia said, \u2018cleanliness was close to godliness\u2019? Well, he was a vampire not anywhere near godliness. And he didn\u2019t want to be clean. Angel wanted to keep the scent and feel of Cordelia, her lips, her sweat, her every moisture on his body.<\/p>\n
He couldn\u2019t take the chance that once they washed down the drain, he would ever get them back. Angel jerked at the nozzles getting out of the shower.<\/p>\n
Angel stared at the closed door. He couldn\u2019t go out there. Cordelia would be there, her beautiful eyes pleading with him to accept her fate. Her lips forming words of comfort, assurances that he would some how manage without her. Angel growled.<\/p>\n
The burning of his borrowed blood couldn\u2019t be contained.<\/p>\n
Cordelia thought she figured it out. Her nod to herself turned into a wild jerk. She ran from the bed going towards the sound of smashed glass and destruction.<\/p>\n
\u201cAngel.\u201d She took the bloodied hand in hers immediately, grabbing for a thin motel towel.<\/p>\n
Angel jerked his fist away and strode past her.<\/p>\n
Cordelia glanced at the shattered mirror and broken sink. Porcelain, glass and blood littered the floor.<\/p>\n
Had it been only a couple hours that Angel had stood before her in this room with the most pathetic manipulative puppy dog expression. Had it been that long since he smiled or laughed. Cordelia at that moment damned herself.<\/p>\n
She should\u2019ve never gone to see Connor, never let it get this far. How selfish could she be? Cordelia wasn\u2019t making Angel happy and she wouldn\u2019t be making Connor happy by making believe that she could be his mother. Cordelia glanced back at the signs of the vampire\u2019s rage, she had done this but she would fix it.<\/p>\n
Angel was jerking on his pants, the white towel around his fist was now soaked in red.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m sorry.\u201d<\/p>\n
Angel ignored her.<\/p>\n
\u201cAngel, please. Listen to me. I can fix this. I can. I mean I figured it out.\u201d<\/p>\n
That stopped Angel. Was it possible? Could there be hope?<\/p>\n
She nodded at Angel\u2019s look. \u201cReally, Angel.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHow?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAngel, I know you love me but well\u2026with the whole dying and coming back thing\u2026.you\u2019ve lost perspective.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDon\u2019t,\u201d Angel slowly growled. The flash of hope smashed as easily as the mirror. There was no hope. Cordelia was going to try to convince him that everything was going to be okay.<\/p>\n
\u201cAngel, listen to me. You\u2019ll be okay.\u201d<\/p>\n
Angel stilled completely motionless. \u201cCordelia, I mean it- don\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n
Cordelia was oblivious to the signs, so concentrated on her revelation. She nodded quickly. \u201cAngel, you will be, you just need to remember the place you were before I came back. You had moved on\u2026back to Buffy. You got your soul permanent and you came here..to Sunnydale to be with her. I know I said that the Powers don\u2019t want you two to be together, but you know thinking about it they didn\u2019t actually say you couldn\u2019t be together, just that your place was in LA and hers- here. But, Angel, LA and Sunnydale aren\u2019t that far apart.<\/p>\n
Sure, long distance romances are a pain, but hey, you two love each other. The only reason it couldn\u2019t work before was because of Angelus. Hard to maintain long distance love when there is no lovin\u2019 but that obstacle is gone now. And, who knows, the quicker you get back to the mission, the quicker your soul can be redeemed and then there shouldn\u2019t be any geographically barriers.\u201d Cordleia smiled finally stopping to take a deep breath.<\/p>\n
Angel seriously considered killing Cordelia to stop her from even attempting to say anything else. As it was he had to beat down the urge to destroy everything in the room. Angel knew he couldn\u2019t speak without yelling and shaking the woman until any margin of sense came out of her mouth.<\/p>\n
Hell, maybe he would just gag her. Angel just watched as the love of his entire being pushed him to the edge of his rage.<\/p>\n
\u201cSo, you see, it will be okay. This,\u201d she waved towards the bed and motioned to Angel then her, “didn\u2019t happen. I mean it did, but it shouldn\u2019t have\u2026.I\u2019m sorry\u2026I was being selfish, but\u2026you can just tell Buffy that we talked about best friend stuff, you know, stuff. Um, she\u2019ll believe\u2026well, she\u2019ll want to anyway.<\/p>\n
And then just tell her that you love her and when the apocalypse is over you have to go back to LA, but that you two can still see each other. See, that way, you\u2019ll\u2026you can be happy, maybe not as happy as you were living her, but still happy. I know you\u2019ll be sad and broody when I die again, but with Buffy you can move on. You did it before. You love her.\u201d<\/p>\n
Angel\u2019s growl vibrated through out the room. Cordelia finally noticed the absolute stillness of the vampire, the fists clenched at his sides ready to strike at any given provocation. She scrunched up her face at Angel\u2019s battle to maintain his human face.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy are you getting grry?\u201d<\/p>\n
Angel stared at Cordelia forcing his demon down, he still wanted to shake her and gag her, but at least the swift thought of killing was gone.<\/p>\n
\u201cHow fuckin\u2019 blind can you be?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAngel.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo, Cordelia, tell me. You lived in the river of denial for how many months? Months of me following you around, stuttering, staring and manipulating you to stay in MY bed \u2013 using my own son to get you there, not to mention the years prior where I threatened and killed anything or anybody that hurt you. What? Your knowledge of my love comes when you\u2019re dead. And you still don\u2019t understand it. This,\u201d Angel waved his hand around mimicking Cordelia\u2019s earlier actions.<\/p>\n
\u201cDid happen, this has been my fuckin dream every night for over two years, alive or dead, I dreamed of you. And you still don\u2019t get it.\u201d<\/p>\n
Cordelia refused to cry. She had to get Angel to accept it, to admit it. \u201cThen stop dreaming, there\u2019s no point to it. I\u2019m going to die. I\u2019m gone. Buffy\u2019s here. And Angel, you can\u2019t deny that you went straight to her when your soul became bound. You left,”<\/p>\n
Cordelia tried to suppress all the bitterness and jealousy that had been shoved down deep when she found out that Buffy and Angel were together, but her emotions were too raw, Angel’s denial and anger were bringing it all up to the surface.<\/p>\n
Fuck it. She wasn\u2019t a saint, ” YOU LEFT your mission, your home, your friends to move into HER fuckin\u2019 house. Hell, you love me? Well, you love her, too, always have. And she\u2019s not going to die, or at least not any time soon that we know of, hell, even if she\u2019d does she\u2019ll come back, she always does with no strings. Come on, Angel, admit it, you ran to Buffy, moving on as soon as you got the all clear on the soul thing, loving me or not. \u201d Cordelia shook her head turning away from the vampire.<\/p>\n
\u201cI have to admit, I\u2019m a little surprised that you even noticed I came back what with being able to \u2018cuddle\u2019 with the blonde love of your life.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019re so stupid.\u201d Angel said softly.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat?\u201d Cordelia swung around, her eyes flashing.<\/p>\n
\u201cMy soul\u2019s not bound, Cordy.\u201d Angel said in the same soft tone.<\/p>\n
\u201cYes, it is.\u201d Cordelia narrowed her eyes. \u201cIt is. Skip said so, he said that you and Buffy were together, but Angelus wasn\u2019t a problem, that\u2019s what he said.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd he was right, but not because my soul was bound.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYeah,\u201d Cordelia scoffed drawing out her exclamation. \u201cJoy, Buffy sex, I was there, who doesn\u2019t know the story of the star crossed lovers and the big bad.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cCordy, the curse wasn\u2019t- have sex with Buffy, orgasm, then lose soul. It was forgetting what I was in the love of another, experiencing joy and contentment during the act of that love. It happened with Buffy, because I did love her, she was the first person that I loved, I wanted to get lost in her and I did.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t get your point. Nothing\u2019s changed since that homicidal soap opera, except that your soul is bound. Yoowhoo, no danger. You still love her. Why else would you risk being with Buffy? You wouldn\u2019t risk Connor, if Angelus came popping out. No, your soul is permanent.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI didn\u2019t risk anything. I came here six months after you died. I couldn\u2019t stay in LA any longer. Connor needed a home and I couldn\u2019t stand to be in the hotel anymore. Everywhere I turned I smelled you, saw you, heard you. I was hurting Connor, I was shutting him in the darkness with me. He needed a home and I couldn\u2019t give him one in LA, my home had disappeared under a pile of dirt in a graveyard. Buffy offered, I accepted for Connor.<\/p>\n
A month later, I slept with her. I did love her and I thought if I felt her warmth it would stop the dreams. But, it didn\u2019t, the dreams kept coming, soon I resented Buffy, the moments of warmth were interfering with the dreams. I\u2019d thought I wanted them to go away but I didn\u2019t, they were all I had left. I used her, Cordy. I used a woman that I had loved with all my heart just to get rid of a dream that I never really had in the first place and then I resented her for it. Angelus wasn\u2019t an issue because it was only that dream that could give me love, joy and contentment.<\/p>\n
Just like now, my dream is right in front of me and you won\u2019t give it to me. I see it, taste it, feel it, I\u2019ve clung on to it all night wanting to believe and have joy but you won\u2019t let me. You broke your promise. Tell me how in the fuck Angelus will ever be a risk. Tell me.\u201d All the rage in Angel was gone.<\/p>\n
The vampire slumped against the dresser sliding to the floor, his head in his hands. \u201cTell me, Cordy, tell me, how it\u2019s going to be okay.\u201d<\/p>\n
Cordelia stood, tears falling freely, her fist clenched to her side. She didn\u2019t know what to do. In the alternate life that the Powers had offered before her demonization, she had seen a broken vampire and she had known want to do. She had kissed him and took back the visions. But, now Cordelia couldn\u2019t take back their life together, she couldn\u2019t make their love go away.<\/p>\n
It was too late. She had been selfish and this is what happened. She had been unselfish and this is what happened. Finally, Cordelia understood. It didn\u2019t matter what she did. Angel loved her, too damn much. God, Cordelia wished she could live to bask in it. Cordelia smiled, if nothing mattered, then it didn’t matter what she did next.<\/p>\n
Cordelia knelt down by the vampire. \u201cAngel, I\u2019ll stop telling you everything will be okay, if you promise me that you will fight for your redemption and that for as long as we have you will love me as gentle, as hard, as much as we can for as long we can. Please, we’ll just take advantage of whatever piece of our dream we can have. And in that dream, you will smile and laugh, please.\u201d<\/p>\n
Angel slowly lifted his eyes, slumping his shoulders again. \u201cI won\u2019t give it up.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd you\u2019re ‘grry’ stubborn enough to find a way.\u201d Cordelia laughed softly. She wasn\u2019t going to try to convince him anymore. She would just have to have faith that when the time came, Angel would do what she asked.<\/p>\n
Once back in LA fighting for the Powers, their family would help him. He would be okay. Cordelia just wouldn\u2019t press it anymore. It was wasting their time together.<\/p>\n
The sadness was still apparent in Angel’s eyes, but his lips did quirk a bit upwards.<\/p>\n
\u201cCome on,\u201d Cordelia got up. \u201cShower time. We do have to go.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cCordy.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAngel, I may have almost drowned in the river of denial but that doesn’t mean that I didn\u2019t have fantasies. There was one in particular in the shower\u2026oh, come on, I’ll just show you.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cFantasies of me?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo, dork, Lorne.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou are such a beautiful dense dork.\u201d Cordelia dragged him into the bathroom.<\/p>\n