Chapter Seven<\/b><\/p>\n
Gunn wished that Wesley would wake up. The street kid didn\u2019t know what to do about Angel and Cordelia.<\/p>\n
Should he try to make the vampire leave Cordelia\u2019s room? Gunn didn\u2019t like that Angel was there. Cordelia had been fine before she had left the hospital. She had said that she had something to do. Well, Gunn just knew that \u2018that something\u2019 had to do with their former boss and why she is now in the Neuro-Psych ward with two slit wrists.<\/p>\n
What had the vampire done? The street kid started to pace in anger. Gunn wanted Angel gone. But, he thought picturing the angry determination on the vampire\u2019s face, nothing short of staking the vampire would get him away from Cordelia.<\/p>\n
Gunn stared at the vampire sleeping next to the young pale girl. Gunn turned to head back to Wesley\u2019s room. Maybe, if he sat in there and stared Wesley would wake up. Watched pots do boil, just not any quicker. But the former watcher wasn\u2019t a pot, so maybe it would work.<\/p>\n
***<\/p>\n
Cordelia felt a heavy weight on her chest. It was a cool weight, not at all uncomfortable. She wondered at the sense of security the heaviness induced through out her being. She sighed deeply; she hadn\u2019t experienced this level of safekeeping in just a long time. Cordelia slowly opened her eyes.<\/p>\n
They widened in confusion and fear as she saw the dark head sleeping on her chest. The head stirred sensing the awakening of the young woman. Cordelia\u2019s eyes blinked rapidly as she gazed into a pair of warm deep brown eyes.<\/p>\n
\u201cAngelus?\u201d she whispered, the bewilderment apparent in her soft tone.<\/p>\n
Angel shook his head, his eyes never leaving the dazed beautiful hazel ones. \u201cNo. I didn\u2019t lose my soul.\u201d He answered softly sitting up on the bed.<\/p>\n
\u201cI saw him.\u201d Cordelia’s head shaking, her mind recoiling against the memory of the two vampires engaged in sexual intercourse. The vampires’ perfect eternal bodies moving in an erotic rhythm. The face of Cordelia\u2019s vampire transformed in lust pounding into the writhing blonde vampire. Darla\u2019s passionate growls for more of \u2018her boy\u2019 ringing throughout the room over the sounds of bodies joining.<\/p>\n
Angel turned away ashamed and fearful of the look in Cordelia\u2019s beautiful eyes. \u201cIt wasn\u2019t Angelus, it never was,\u201d the downcast vampire whispered roughly.<\/p>\n
Cordelia pushed herself up on the bed trying to distance herself as much as possible from the vampire. \u201cLeave me alone,\u201d she whispered a coldness creeping into her voice.<\/p>\n
Angel gazed back into her scornful eyes. \u201cNo,\u201d he said in determination ignoring his feelings of guilt. Angel wanted to please Cordelia, but he would not leave her alone, not again. No matter what she said she wanted.<\/p>\n
\u201cLeave me alone. Go away,\u201d Cordelia repeated her voice breaking.<\/p>\n
\u201cI am sorry, Cordy,\u201d Angel reached out to caress Cordelia\u2019s face.<\/p>\n
Cordelia turned curling herself away from Angel. \u201cGo away. I don\u2019t want you or your guilt.\u201d She choked into the mattress. Silent tears saturated the sheet as Cordelia felt the weight of Angel\u2019s body leave the bed.<\/p>\n
Cordelia was scared. The last thing she remembered was being in the bathtub and slipping into a peaceful numbness where she would finally be free from pain and fear. But, it figures she couldn\u2019t even succeed at killing herself. Well, at least she succeeded in making Angel leave. Cordelia turned her head.<\/p>\n
The vampire hadn\u2019t left, but was now sitting in a chair by the bed.<\/p>\n
\u201cI told you to leave.\u201d Cordelia glared adamantly at the vampire.<\/p>\n
\u201cI am not leaving.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t want to talk to you.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou don\u2019t have to. Not right now. But, I am not leaving you ever again.\u201d Determination and resolve flashed briefly in the vampire\u2019s brown eyes.<\/p>\n
Cordelia blinked her wide eyes at the vampire and then turned her back on him settling into the bed burrowing her body into the covers.<\/p>\n
Chapter Eight<\/b><\/p>\n
\u201cExcuse me.\u201d<\/p>\n
Angel glanced at the woman standing in the doorway. She was in her mid- 40\u2019s, the white coat and name badge labeled her as the hospital psychologist. The doctor beckoned Angel out of the room.<\/p>\n
Angel looked again at Cordelia\u2019s sleeping form then at the doctor. He nodded and went towards the psychologist.<\/p>\n
***<\/p>\n
\u201cI would like to ask you a few questions about\u2026Cordelia, before\u2026.before I go into talk to her,\u201d she went on nervously. There was something about the handsome man that made her nervous. A violate power lay just underneath the surface of the man\u2019s concentrated stillness. The man was riddled in a mass of contradictions; it couldn\u2019t at be at all conducive for a healthy frame of mind, the psychologist in her diagnosed.<\/p>\n
\u201cYes?\u201d Angel commented.<\/p>\n
\u201cI understand that you are a family member of Ms. Chase. Do you have any idea why she would want to kill herself?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes, please tell us, I want to hear your explanation of how Cordelia, the strongest, the most animated, the most caring woman in this ungodly world ended up here, with her wrists slit open. Her spirit broken. Tell us Angel,\u201d demanded Wesley from his wheel chair.<\/p>\n
Wesley had insisted on being brought up to see Cordelia as soon as Gunn told him the news. Gunn stood behind the wheelchair, shooting angry glares at the vampire.<\/p>\n
Angel didn\u2019t want to look into his injured friend\u2019s accusatory stare, but he did. The vampire wouldn\u2019t let anyone add to his own feelings of guilt to force him away from Cordelia.<\/p>\n
\u201cWes, should you be up?\u201d<\/p>\n
Wesley ignored the vampire\u2019s concern. \u201cAngel, answer the question.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOnly, Cordelia can answer that.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s a cop out man and you know it. This is your fault,\u201d Gunn declared.<\/p>\n
Angel said nothing.<\/p>\n
\u201cAngel, if we are to help Cordelia, we need to know.\u201d Wesley said trying to remain calm, but his anger at the vampire and concern for Cordelia was making it difficult.<\/p>\n
Angel pulled out the note given to him by Dennis and thrust it into his friend\u2019s hand.<\/p>\n
\u201cAngelus?\u201d Wesley questioned out loud. \u201cWhy would Cordelia think that Angelus is back,\u201d Wesley said stunned. The vampire standing before him was definitely not Angelus. Wesley was sure of that one thing.<\/p>\n
Angel turned away and stared at the huddled form of the girl that he had caused so much pain.<\/p>\n
\u201cCordelia saw me with Darla.\u201d He said simply.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat? When? Why?\u201d the former watcher cried out comprehending the vampire\u2019s meaning. “And why aren’t you…nevermind,” the former watcher stuttered seeing the doctor’s questioning glance.<\/p>\n
Gunn looked confused, then his eyes widened in disgust. \u201cYou didn\u2019t? Shit,\u201d he yelled. \u201cYou have gone over to the dark side, either that or you are just plain nuts.\u201d Gunn\u2019s eyes flashed in hostility.<\/p>\n
\u201cGentlemen, I am going to ask that you lower your voices, this is a hospital. And Wesley isn\u2019t? I don\u2019t think you should be out of bed.\u201d The doctor looked sternly at the pale man.<\/p>\n
\u201cI am fine. I want to see Cordelia,\u201d the former watcher demanded.<\/p>\n
\u201cI am not sure that would be a good idea, given your current frame of mind. I don\u2019t believe the obvious tension between the three of you would be healthy for Cordelia.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI want to see her,\u201d Wesley responded stubbornly. \u201cShe can have visitors, can\u2019t she. He,\u201d Wesley nodded towards Angel with barely disguised distaste. \u201cHas been in there.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes, well, Angel has been in there since she was brought in. But, I really think that I should talk to her now, alone. Maybe, later.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cFine, but he doesn\u2019t go back in. Cordelia doesn\u2019t need him right now.\u201d Gunn interrupted motioning to the still dark man.<\/p>\n
\u201cI would have to agree,\u201d stated Wesley.<\/p>\n
The doctor glanced uncertainly between Angel and the other two angry men. The handsome man hadn\u2019t moved, but the doctor could see that the violate power shimmering beneath the surface of the man was about to explode.<\/p>\n
\u201cI will make that decision after I meet with Cordelia.\u201d The doctor decided to prolong the onset of any unpleasantness, hopefully the girl\u2019s answer would prevent any.<\/p>\n
***<\/p>\n
Angel never moved, but Gunn stepped back a pace in apprehension at the vampire\u2019s expression or more accurately his lack of expression. The doctor wasn\u2019t the only one that could sense the intense emotions that the vampire was restraining.<\/p>\n
\u201cAngel,\u201d Wesley called in warning.<\/p>\n
\u201cI will say this once and only once more. No one, not either of you, not the doctors, not Cordelia will prevent me from being here, in there with her. Understood.\u201d Angel said forcefully with finality. Angel\u2019s words were clipped and to the point. To say anymore would give his demon the opening to erupt in violence against the two men that were trying to keep him from Cordelia.<\/p>\n
\u201cAngel,\u201d started Wesley.<\/p>\n
\u201cWesley,\u201d Angel growled his own warning.<\/p>\n
Wesley remained quiet, his angry glare turning speculative as he continued to stare at the vampire. \u201cAngel, just how did you find her?\u201d<\/p>\n
Angel remained silent as the picture of Cordelia\u2019s pale weak body invaded his mind.<\/p>\n
\u201cShe wasn\u2019t here.\u201d Angel took a deep unneeded breath trying to shake the horrific tableau of Cordelia lying in her own blood from his consciousness. \u201cI realized that she must have been in the hotel, when\u2026.\u201d Angel paused. \u201c I needed to see her. So, I went to her apartment.\u201d<\/p>\n
Wesley nodded and looked back at the crumbled note. \u201cAngel, we won\u2019t stop you from seeing Cordelia, if,\u201d he emphasized, \u201c Cordelia want\u2019s to see you. If she doesn\u2019t then for once think about her and do as she wishes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo, Wesley.\u201d Angel shook his head, the violence pounding through out his undead body now under control. His guilt coming to the forefront dampening his rage. \u201cThis has gone on too long,\u201d he motioned around implying the emotional distance rather than the physical space that separated them all, \u201cit has become too dangerous for all of us. I have to talk to her. I have to try to explain, get her to understand. I have to understand why she would do this. Otherwise, we all will be destroyed by this.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThere is nothing to understand. You are a bastard.\u201d Gunn interrupted.<\/p>\n
\u201cGunn,\u201d Wesley scolded. The former watcher reread Cordelia\u2019s note. There was more going on than just what those simple words scrawled on the tear and blood stained paper implied. And the vampire was right in that Cordelia was the heart of all of them, without her, they were nothing but mere shells, without her they would be destroyed.<\/p>\n
\u201cGunn, leave him alone. Okay, Angel, try to make Cordelia understand, then maybe you can make us understand your ruinous behavior and why Cordelia is lying in there.\u201d Wesley said decisively rolling his wheelchair to stare through the glass partition at the young girl and the doctor.<\/p>\n
Chapter Nine<\/b><\/p>\n
\u201cCordelia,\u201d the doctor called gently. \u201cCordelia,\u201d she repeated as the huddled body started to stir. Cordelia lifted questioning eyes to the stranger.<\/p>\n
\u201cHello, I am Dr. Radcliff, I work here in the hospital. I want to have a few words with you, if you are up to it.\u201d<\/p>\n
Cordelia scooted up on the bed considering the woman intently. \u201cYou are a psychologist,\u201d Cordelia asked looking at the doctor\u2019s nametag.<\/p>\n
\u201cYes, that\u2019s right. Cordelia do you know why you were brought to the hospital?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cGee, I assume it was so I wouldn\u2019t bite the big one.\u201d She said sarcastically. \u201cWas there another reason?\u201d<\/p>\n
The doctor paused at the girl\u2019s tone. \u201cWell, no. Angel brought you in. He saved your life. You tried to kill yourself.\u201d<\/p>\n
Cordelia looked away from the doctor, her eyes met those of the vampire staring through the window.<\/p>\n
\u201cAngel?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes. You didn\u2019t know?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, gee, I was kind of out of it,\u201d she retorted turning back to the doctor. Cordelia hadn\u2019t known. She had assumed that Gunn had found her, last she knew Angel was busy being preoccupied by a blonde undead bitch. No, her mind screamed. She wasn\u2019t going to replay that particular horror porn through her mind, ever again.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat is it you want?\u201d Cordelia asked devoid of all emotion.<\/p>\n
\u201cI want to know, why you tried to kill yourself.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd, if there is a danger of you doing it again.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd, if you need to be admitted for a 72 hour emergency watch period.\u201d The doctor said in exasperation. The young girl didn\u2019t see to be reacting at all like suicide patient. Other than the evidence of a tearstained face and bandages wrapped around her wrist, the girl seemed calm if not nonchalant about the whole incident.<\/p>\n
Cordelia nodded. \u201cWell, there is no danger that I will try anything like that again, it was messy and it hurt. So, when can I go home?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cCordelia, you just tried to kill yourself, we have to know why.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201c\u2019We\u2019 do? I know. Why, do you have to? Isn\u2019t it enough to know that I won\u2019t do it again and you can release me without any worry or any blemish on your conscious,\u201d the girl stated.<\/p>\n
\u201cCordelia, you have three friends out there, that say they are family, that care very much about you and why you tried to kill yourself.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThree?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes, Angel, of course, then Wesley and Gunn.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWho told Wesley?\u201d For a brief moment the doctor saw anger and guilt flare up in the girl\u2019s eyes.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou didn\u2019t want him to know?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHe was shot for godsake, Wesley has enough to worry about, without worrying about me. You know getting better, living, duh.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cCordelia, don\u2019t you think that someone would have told him if you had died? Don\u2019t you think that would have been more upsetting than knowing just that you tried.\u201d<\/p>\n
Cordelia glared at the doctor.<\/p>\n
“Cordelia?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cLook, I know what I did was selfish, okay. I won\u2019t do it again, okay.\u201d Cordelia regained her emotionless composure.<\/p>\n
\u201cI have to understand you why you did it, if I am to believe you.\u201d<\/p>\n
Cordelia wanted to scream at the other woman. She wanted to scream out that she was only twenty years old but had felt like she was older than the vampire outside. That she had been tired of fighting the never ending supply of evil, tired of having mind numbing visions and tired of being afraid.<\/p>\n
Afraid that she would lose Wesley or Gunn. Afraid that Angel might not reach his reward. That someday, he might actually become Angelus for good because she failed him. Afraid that if Angel lost his soul, others would die, because she knew that she couldn\u2019t kill him. Afraid of her love for the vampire. She had just been so tired of it all. Cordelia took a deep breath.<\/p>\n
\u201cDoctor, I was at a low point. Wesley is closer to me than any brother could be and had just been shot. I was scared. I was a coward. I wasn\u2019t thinking of him or anybody else. I just wanted to stop being afraid. It was not the proper response, I know. But, now that I know he will be better, I am better. I will talk to him about my fears and I will be fine.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat about Angel and Gunn. Why didn\u2019t you talk to them?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI just didn\u2019t. I will in the future, if things get that bad again, okay.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWho is Darla?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat?\u201d the young girl gasped finally showing more than just a glimmer of emotion.<\/p>\n
\u201cDarla. Angel mentioned that you saw him with someone named Darla.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAngel told you that?\u201d Cordelia choked in disbelief.<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, actually, he was trying to explain your note to Wesley and Gunn.\u201d<\/p>\n
Cordelia closed her eyes trying to think. She couldn\u2019t do it in this place. Cordelia took a deep breath trying to block out all of the emotions that were trying to break to the surface. She was never going to try to kill herself again, she swore, because when the whole ending the pain thing didn\u2019t work, the living through the after effects was just a pain in the ass. She had to get rid of this doctor and out of this hospital, so she could think.<\/p>\n
\u201cThe low point, I was talking about, that\u2019s Darla. She is an old girlfriend of Angel\u2019s that I was jealous of. He went back to her, I freaked, and then Wesley got shot. I felt alone and afraid. And here I am.\u201d<\/p>\n
The doctor studied the girl for a moment. \u201cCordelia, no man is worth losing your life over.\u201d<\/p>\n
Cordelia didn\u2019t know whether to laugh or cry at the clich\u00e9. Maybe not any ordinary man, but Angel was, she thought. And he would always be.<\/p>\n
\u201cOf course not, Doctor. It was just that with the break up and Wesley being shot, I freaked, that\u2019s all. I understand that it was stupid. I will talk to Angel, also. Once, I get my anger and sense of betrayal out, then I will be fine.\u201d She reassured the doctor sincerely.<\/p>\n
\u201cOkay, who do you want to talk to first Wesley or Angel?\u201d the doctor asked testing the girl\u2019s sincerity.<\/p>\n
Neither, Cordelia\u2019s mind screamed out. Everything she had just said was bullshit. Cordelia didn\u2019t even blink. \u201cAngel.\u201d<\/p>\n
The doctor nodded.<\/p>\n
Chapter Ten<\/b><\/p>\n
The doctor went out to face the tense men waiting anxiously for her to return from Cordelia.<\/p>\n
\u201cCordelia wants to talk to Angel. Angel, let her get it out, she is suppressing a lot of anger and fear of loneliness. She didn\u2019t go into much detail about your break up, but it hurt her, let her work through her anger. It was keeping it inside that brought her to this point.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBreak up,\u201d squeaked both Gunn and Wesley glancing shocked at a stunned vampire.<\/p>\n
\u201cYes, Cordelia explained that it was Angel going back to an old girlfriend and then Wesley getting shot that caused her to act rashly. She is trying to minimize her actions and her feelings, but\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
Angel didn\u2019t listen to the rest of what the doctor was saying he went straight into the hospital room. Cordelia wanted to talk to him, he thought gratefully, though what the doctor had been talking about, he didn\u2019t understand, but it made no difference, he would figure it out later.<\/p>\n
Everything would be okay once he and Cordelia had a chance to talk, the vampire vowed.<\/p>\n
\u201cAngel, come here,\u201d Cordelia whispered urgently. \u201cLook,\u201d she said pulling the vampire to the bed. \u201cThat nosy Parker of a doctor won\u2019t let me go home until she is satisfied that I won\u2019t go all Suzy suicide on myself. So, I gave her some cock in bull story about how you dumped me for an old girlfriend\u2026 I know, I know clich\u00e9, but somehow I didn\u2019t think she would grasp the delicacies of the whole Angel vs. Angelus concept. Anyway, it\u2019s not that far off from the truth,\u201d Cordelia rambled on.<\/p>\n
\u201cAlso, of course I was devastated by Wesley being shot and all. Left out the part of the killer cop zombies, again, I don\u2019t think she would understand.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cCordelia,\u201d Angel cautiously interrupted the girl\u2019s monologue.<\/p>\n
\u201cSh,\u201d Cordelia quickly looked at the door. \u201cI am now telling you off, so get all broody. Right, like that,\u201d Cordelia said giving her approval at Angel\u2019s remorseful expression. \u201cNow, I want you to go out there and tell Ms. Not quite a M.D. of the mind, that I have reamed you a good one and that I seem like my old self. Then I will talk to Wesley. Who told him by the way? He shouldn\u2019t have been worried,\u201d she huffed.<\/p>\n
\u201cI will make up something, so he doesn\u2019t go into an over protective wiggy mode. You gave them my note, why did you, do that?\u201d she shook her head. \u201cNow, it is going to be all complicated and stuff. I am going to have a good talking to, to that ghost roommate of mine. That note wasn\u2019t suppose to be given to anyone but Gunn and geez, not until I was dead. Am I dead? Nope, geez, geez. Stupid Ghost.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cCordelia, that ghost was worried, he tried to summon help. Cordelia, you tried to kill your self.\u201d<\/p>\n
Cordelia glared at the vampire. \u201cWhy does everyone keep saying that like I don\u2019t know what I did. I was there. Anyway, so what? You tried to revert to the old evil one with the help of Darla dearest and no one is trying to keep you prisoner. Either that or you were just horny,\u201d Cordelia grumbled. \u201cWhatever, I don\u2019t care right now, I want to go home.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cCordelia, no one is trying to keep you prisoner, the doctor just wants to make sure you are fine.\u201d The worried and perplexed vampire declared deciding he would tackle one issue at a time.<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, I will be fine, as soon as I am home. You are the only one that can get me out of here. I am not sure that Miss nosy Dr. Radcliff will just accept my word that I am suicide free, Wesley is in no condition and I imagine Gunn is all freaked and mad. Growl, if you have to but get me home. Go.\u201d Cordelia ordered pushing the vampire to the door.<\/p>\n