Chapter 10<\/b><\/p>\n
Cordelia moved forward making the small cart swing back and forth. She smiled at Angel. \u201cIsn\u2019t it beautiful up here. It\u2019s higher than the roof of the Hyperion. You can see everything.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBeautiful.\u201d Angel smiled at his seer. She really was beautiful. \u201cUm, Cordy, don\u2019t lean so much.\u201d Angel cleared his throat. Cordelia kept hanging over the edge of the cart. She could fall.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m\u2026\u201d Cordelia was about to say she was fine. But Angel was getting that weird protective look and she didn\u2019t want to argue with him. She settled next to Angel, her hand reaching for Angel\u2019s. \u201cSo. Are you having fun?\u201d<\/p>\n
Angel glanced down at the small hand holding his larger one then up to Cordelia. \u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMmm.\u201d Cordelia sighed. \u201cI told you so.\u201d<\/p>\n
Warmth flowed through Angel\u2019s body as he heard her small sigh. Cordelia was content. Bob\u2019s article said that in that situation the best thing to do was not move.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou cold?\u201d Angel frowned at Cordelia\u2019s slight shiver.<\/p>\n
\u201cA little, it\u2019s chilly up here.\u201d<\/p>\n
Angel brought his arm around Cordelia, tucking her in the crook of his arm, pulling his jacket part way around. \u201cBetter?\u201d<\/p>\n
Another small sound escaped Cordelia\u2019s lips as she snuggled closer hugging her stuffed animal to her chest.<\/p>\n
Angel smiled softly and stared out as the world slowly went up and down as the Ferris turned in it\u2019s slow circular path, the sounds of the carnival faded leaving nothing but Cordelia\u2019s small breaths and steady heartbeat. This was more than fun. Angel felt like he was on top of the world.<\/p>\n
Warmth and peace radiated into him from the young woman pressed close. He tightened his hold on Cordelia.<\/p>\n
\u201cHey don\u2019t mush Kitty.\u201d But Cordelia didn\u2019t move away, her voice barely a whisper.<\/p>\n
\u201cOf course.\u201d Angel pulled the squished animal out between their bodies and placed it safely on his lap.<\/p>\n
The silence of contentment came again and remained between them as the ride came to an end.<\/p>\n
\u201cThat was too quick.\u201d Cordelia\u2019s tone was wistful.<\/p>\n
Angel nodded in complete agreement. \u201cAgain.\u201d He shoved some cash at the young attendant that came to unlock their cart.<\/p>\n
The young man rolled his eyes but took the money. He was going to make a killing tonight. The leather-coated guy hadn\u2019t been the only one that had paid to keep their date on the Ferris wheel. And the kid couldn\u2019t blame this guy, the chick was a babe.<\/p>\n
The attendant counted the extra money Angel had given him. Wow. The guy just bought as many turns as he wanted. That guy definitely wanted to get lucky tonight. Well, for that price the kid would help him out. There was nothing like stopping the wheel at the very top for a good while. It never failed.<\/p>\n
***<\/p>\n
\u201cHey, Angel and Cordy didn\u2019t get off.\u201d Gunn pointed as the Ferris wheel started up again.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou can see everything from up there. It\u2019s so fun. Wow. Angel must have liked it. He\u2019s having fun. I\u2019ll bet he\u2019s glad he changed his mind.\u201d Fred said.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt seems so.\u201d Wesley contemplated the ride, trying to keep track of the cart that held Angel and Cordelia. Wesley just hoped that Angel wouldn\u2019t screw it up. If he misread Cordy just once up there, things could go bad.<\/p>\n
\u201cHey, Fred do you want to go again. I\u2019ll go.\u201d<\/p>\n
Wesley shot Gunn a dirty look. \u201cOr maybe you\u2019re hungry. All you\u2019ve had was some cotton candy? Maybe we can find some tacos.\u201d<\/p>\n
Fred considered. \u201cDo you think they have corn dogs?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo tacos?\u201d<\/p>\n
Fred shook her head. \u201cI had corn dogs when I was a kid at the fair.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cCorn dogs it is then. Let\u2019s go looking for the dogs on the stick. We\u2019ll catch up with Angel and Cordy later.\u201d<\/p>\n
Chapter 11<\/b>
\n\u201cAngel? You gave him money, real money?\u201d Arching her brow as the young attendant scurried off without letting them out.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s fun. You didn\u2019t want to get off. Did you? You\u2019re not too cold?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo. Where\u2019s my cheapsake?\u201d Curiosity and surprise apparent on her face.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m not a cheapsake, I just know a value of a dollar. I don\u2019t waste it on frivolous things. \u201c<\/p>\n
\u201cUhuh.\u201d The elegant brow arched again, this time at the stuff kitten cuddled between them.<\/p>\n
Angel noticed her look and squirmed. \u201cIt\u2019s squishy.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cTherefore not frivolous, I understand.\u201d A small smile played over her lips.<\/p>\n
Angel shrugged. \u201cYou wanted it.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOh.\u201d Her small smile became wide as she settled back into his side. \u201cUm. Angel.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI want a car.\u201d<\/p>\n
She couldn\u2019t be serious. Angel looked down. Cordy would probably want a really expensive one. \u201cCordy\u2026\u201d He stopped as Cordelia\u2019s eyes twinkled in undisguised humor. \u201cMaybe there\u2019s a used bumper car we could pick up.\u201d He finished.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou were actually considering it.\u201d Cordelia laughed.<\/p>\n
\u201cI was not.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWere to. What a Goof.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIs that better than a dork?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMarginally. Angel.\u201d Cordelia said suddenly serious.<\/p>\n
Questioningly, Angel looked down.<\/p>\n
\u201cThank you for coming to the carnival, for kitty, for this.\u201d Pointing out to the ever-circling horizon.<\/p>\n
His chest constricted as her gaze locked on to his. Angel was forced to expel air that had somehow got trapped in his throat at the warmth and sincerity that radiated from her eyes. Angel tried to respond, to say your welcome, but the beauty of her smile stole his voice. He gulped, finally managing a small smile.<\/p>\n
It seemed sufficient. Cordelia leaned back into Angel\u2019s chest, giving off a content sigh.<\/p>\n
Cordelia pressed her head against Angel\u2019s chest. Angel couldn\u2019t help ,it is hand automatically went to her hair his fingers brushing at the strands of silk.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019re so quiet and still, no breathing, no heart beating, it\u2019s creepy.\u201d<\/p>\n
Angel\u2019s fingers stopped. He didn\u2019t want to be creepy not with Cordelia. But she hadn\u2019t sounded like she was creeped out. Her tone was soft. And her head was still lying on his chest.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m dead.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know, creepy. But weird.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cCreepy and weird isn\u2019t the same thing?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo, it\u2019s weird how something creepy can be so comforting. I feel safe. Though I guess, I shouldn\u2019t should I.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cCordelia, I\u2019ll always keep you safe.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019ll try. But you can\u2019t guarantee it, no one can. And then there is the Angelus factor. Always got to be on guard for the evil one. But, still I feel safe. Weird, uh.\u201d<\/p>\n
Angel was happy. Cordelia was a realist, yet even knowing the inherent dangers in their fight for the powers and the possibility of Angelus, she still felt safe with him. She believed in him. Angel had been called many things over the centuries, comforting had never been one of them, but Cordelia was comforted by him.<\/p>\n
It was amazing. She was amazing. No one had ever fought him or for him with such resolve. She tried daily to brighten his life with laughter and fun.<\/p>\n
No one had ever cared so much for his well-being. Angel wanted to tell the young woman how happy she made him. But first, he had better clear up the Angelus issue. Cordelia was right in that he couldn\u2019t guarantee her safety completely, though he would die trying. But, he could ease her mind over Angelus.<\/p>\n
Angel just hoped that she wouldn\u2019t classify it as lying. He hadn\u2019t lied, he just hadn\u2019t told. Maybe, she would see the distinction and not get mad. He hoped so because nothing had ever been as perfect as this slow ride. Angel hesitated<\/p>\n
\u201cAngel?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMmuh.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019re fidgeting.\u201d<\/p>\n
He didn\u2019t want to ruin the moment, but he would have to tell her eventually. It might as well be now when she was in a good mood and feeling charitable towards him. Angel gently pulled Cordelia away and took a deep breath. \u201cMy soul is permanent.\u201d<\/p>\n
Cordelia blinked, then shook her head slamming her jaw shut.<\/p>\n
\u201cDid you just say that your soul is permanent, as in no more Angelus?\u201d<\/p>\n
Angel was not at all comforted by the way she shot up out of his arms. \u201cWell, no more soulless demon. I\u2019m still dead and \u2018creepy\u2019.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHow come I don\u2019t know this?\u201d Cordelia scooted away from Angel, her brows arched.<\/p>\n
Angel started to fidget again. He really should have told her when he found out. He started to make a joke about her already knowing that he was dead and creepy, but her glare changed his mind. \u201cI found out after my epiphany.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou got your soul bound because you had sex with\u2026with what\u2019s her name. No wonder you didn\u2019t tell me.\u201d<\/p>\n
Angel\u2019s fidgeting became more pronounced.<\/p>\n
\u201cHey, don\u2019t hurt Kitty.\u201d Cordelia snatched the stuff animal from Angel\u2019s twisting grip.<\/p>\n
\u201cSorry.\u201d He patted at the stuff animal until he realized that he was trying to soothe a toy.<\/p>\n
Angel brought his hands back and shoved them into his coat pockets. \u201cDarla didn\u2019t bind my soul. I don\u2019t know how or why exactly, but I do know it wasn\u2019t because I had sex with her. Lorne\u2019s not sure why, but he did confirm after a couple really bad versions of \u2018Soul Man\u2019.\u201d Trying to bring humor to a conversation that was beginning to have the makings of a train wreck.<\/p>\n
\u201cEww. I told you that I never wanted to hear her name again.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSorry, and that\u2019s why I didn\u2019t tell you when I found out. It would\u2019ve brought it all back up again. And things were going so well between us. We were friends again. That\u2019s all.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s all? I\u2019ve been calling you an eunuch because of the whole \u2018can\u2019t have sex or Angelus\u2019 thing and you let me.\u201d Cordelia felt like a fool.<\/p>\n
\u201cI told you I wasn\u2019t a eunuch.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou didn\u2019t tell me why.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019ve never been a eunuch, Cordelia.\u201d This fixation of Cordelia\u2019s that he was a eunuch was really beginning to frustrate him.<\/p>\n
\u201cNo, you haven\u2019t have you?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNow, why are you mad? Why is so important that you think of me as a eunuch?\u201d<\/p>\n
Cordelia hugged at her chest and scooted as far away as the cart would allow, still glaring. Cordelia didn\u2019t know who she was madder at Angel or herself or more importantly why she was so mad. No threat of Angelus was a good thing, not bad. Why did she wish that Angel hadn\u2019t\u2026no, she couldn\u2019t wish that he never received a permanent soul, she just wished that Angel had never told her.<\/p>\n
Why was it so important that Cordelia continue to think of Angel as a non-sexual person? Even after finding out about Darla and the furies, she still called him eunuch, still thought of him that way. And it had been easy, because of the then still real threat of Angelus.<\/p>\n
Why, did she need to keep thinking it? Cordelia didn\u2019t know or want to know for that matter.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy aren\u2019t we moving?\u201d Cordelia looked down from their high position. Great. They were stuck on the Ferris wheel. Cordelia really wanted to leave now.<\/p>\n
\u201cCordelia answer my question.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d Cordelia shook her head and tightened her arms around her.<\/p>\n
\u201cCordelia.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI can\u2019t. \u2026I don\u2019t know, okay. I just don\u2019t have an answer.\u201d Cordelia finally spit out at Angel\u2019s relentless gaze. Angel stared at the defensive posture of his seer.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019re scared.\u201d Now Angel\u2019s frustration turned to confusion. Maybe mad he could\u2019ve understood but frightened- frightened of what? It didn\u2019t make sense. Angel wanted to pull out Bob\u2019s list, but he was pretty sure that this situation was not covered in it.<\/p>\n
When he finally got back to the hotel, Angel was going to search, seek, and retrieve every article written by the man.<\/p>\n
\u201cI am not.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes, you are. Why? You can\u2019t be scared of me you just said I made you feel safe, didn\u2019t you mean it? You know I would never hurt you.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSure, you would never hurt me. You couldn\u2019t, when you were a Eunuch.\u201d Cordelia grumbled and stared out into the horizon.<\/p>\n
\u201cCordelia, I was never a \u2026.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNEVER an Eunuch. I GOT IT.\u201d Jerking back to glare at the vampire. \u201cWHY is this damn ride not moving.\u201d Cordelia felt trapped. She had to get away from Angel.<\/p>\n
\u201cCordy?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI got it, okay. I\u2019ll never call you a eunuch again. Okay. Now shut up and leave me alone and make this damn thing start.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cCordy you\u2019re not making any sense.\u201d<\/p>\n
The angry frustrated sigh that escaped Cordelia\u2019s lips sounded like a growl. \u201c Look, I got it. You\u2019re not a eunuch never were. But you were to me. A nice safe brave dorky dead cute sexy eunuch.\u201d<\/p>\n
Sexy? Did Cordelia just say he was sexy?<\/p>\n
The silence that suddenly came over the cart was not the same easy silence of before, this silence was deafening in its tension. Angel and Cordelia just gaped at each other.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy won\u2019t this DAMN thing MOVE?\u201d Cordelia ripped her eyes away. Cordelia was mortified and really frightened. She couldn\u2019t believe that she had actually said Angel was sexy. Of course, Angel was hot; she had even told him he was handsome before, but not like that, not like his hotness affected her.<\/p>\n
She was supposed to be immune. Immune, because she made herself immune, by convincing herself that Angel was non-sexual. Even when evidence to the contrary proved otherwise.<\/p>\n
A non-sexual sexy vampire- how delusional could she be. Cordelia began to fidget, now that that illusion was busted, she would have no choice but to deal with the fact that Angel was an extremely sexy vampire, one that had every ability to affect her.<\/p>\n
No more close quarter training sessions that was for sure, at least not until she could get rid of the imagine of a sexy, sexual Angel.<\/p>\n
\u201cCordy, you\u2019re attracted to me?\u201d The unbelievable thought had taken over his brain as he studied her movements, expressions and scent.<\/p>\n
\u201cAm not.\u201d Cordelia shook her head and tried to move further away.<\/p>\n
Angel was stunned. It never occurred to him that Cordelia would be attracted to him, she never gave any indication that she was. Never. Until now. And that knowledge was playing havoc with his own desires- desires that suddenly sprang out of nowhere. Angel tried to think. His desires didn\u2019t just pop up whenever he was around a woman that was attracted to him, they didn\u2019t.<\/p>\n
That is unless he was attracted to the woman in the first place. But he was always able to control his attraction, ignore it even. This sudden forceful burst of lust, there was no over word to describe the feeling was unprecedented. Unless\u2026unless, it wasn\u2019t sudden.<\/p>\n
Angel studied the beautiful woman. He thought back to his interaction with his seer over the past several years. When Cordelia first came to work with him, she had been a firm believer in \u2018personal space\u2019. Which Angel had been grateful for as he had the same belief. But over the years, especially recently both of them had begun to ignore or not need the personal bubble rule at least not with each other.<\/p>\n
It may have begun out of necessity, Angel was the only one that had a chance of catching Cordelia from falling when a vision hit. She was the one that assumed the role of nurse when he was injured. But it was more than that now. Even before the
\ntraining sessions.<\/p>\n
How many times a day had Angel found himself reaching out to Cordelia to touch her when they talked. How many times had she placed her hand on his arm, his shoulder? How many times had he needed to feel her warmth? In a roomful of his friends, Cordelia was the one he automatically went to sit or stand by.<\/p>\n
Angel had never tried to analyze why the touch of his seer was so important to him, why it seemed so natural. But it was and the reason why was now obvious. His definite physical reaction to seeing Cordelia in slip of a bathing suit should have clued him in. But he hadn\u2019t had time to think about it, with the demon to fight, trying to apologize to Cordy for embarrassing her at the commercial shoot,and then there was the whole Plyean jaunt, plus Buffy\u2019s death and resurrection.<\/p>\n
How long would he have been able to continue denying his attraction to the young woman? How long would he have been able to convince himself that he sketched erotic portraits of Cordelia just because she was an easy beautiful model to draw? Angel didn\u2019t know, he just knew it was going to be very difficult to ignore it now.<\/p>\n
Okay. One mystery solved, now he had to know why Cordelia was frightened. Angel was surprised and overwhelmed, but not frightened- so why was Cordelia? Unless. The beginnings of a suspicion came over him. Now he was getting uneasy.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou are scared. Is it because I\u2019m a vampire, there is no more threat of Angelus, so is it just because I\u2019m a demon?\u201d Angel really wasn\u2019t at all sure that he wanted to hear Cordelia\u2019s answer. But he had to know.<\/p>\n
Cordelia hid her face in her hands. She couldn\u2019t look at Angel anymore. It would be so easy just to say yes and end this all now. But, Angel had that puppy dogface on again. And she knew if she uttered that lie, his expression would go from cluelessness to hurt and sad resignation. Cordelia couldn\u2019t do that to him.<\/p>\n
\u201cDon\u2019t be stupid, I\u2019m not scared of you.\u201d<\/p>\n
Angel had to lean in to interpret her low mumbled words. \u201cThen..\u201d He was relieved but now he was back to having no idea why she was scared.<\/p>\n
Cordelia took a deep breath and decided on blunt honesty. It was always what she did best and she couldn\u2019t stand the way Angel was staring at her. \u201cI can\u2019t be attracted to you, I don\u2019t want to be attracted to you, and I\u2019ve spent the better time knowing you keeping you safe in the no-boner category. I\u2019m scared because having you out of that box is dangerous to me, not because you\u2019re a \u2018grr\u2019 guy because of who you are and who I am.\u201d<\/p>\n
Angel remained silent trying to understand what she was saying. Cordelia had placed him in a \u2018no-boner\u2019 category. Angel thought about it. It did kind of make sense. After all, he had obviously placed her in the same box.<\/p>\n
She was his friend, his very beautiful, loving best friend he hadn\u2019t ever wanted to mess that up by thinking of her as anything else. So, he had blocked out all and any of his male reaction to the physical attributes of his seer and just concentrated on everything else.<\/p>\n
Again the bathing suit incident being an exception, but he had been surprised and then been able to forget about the marvelous sight with everything else that had been happening at the time. Sort of.<\/p>\n
Obviously, some part of him remembered or he wouldn\u2019t have started drawing erotic pictures of his seer. Angel decided he was just going to have to get rid of all those pictures.<\/p>\n
That was something he probably shouldn\u2019t be reminded of.<\/p>\n
\u201cBecause we\u2019re best friends?\u201d<\/p>\n
Cordelia nodded and decided to leave it at that. She groaned as Angel continued to speak. Why wouldn\u2019t he just leave it alone?<\/p>\n
\u201cI understand that. You don\u2019t want our friendship complicated by our attraction to each other but\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOUR attraction? YOU\u2019RE attracted to ME?\u201d<\/p>\n
Angel stopped. Hadn\u2019t he said that already? Or had he just only admitted that to himself. Considering the stunned look on Cordelia\u2019s face, it must have been the latter. \u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo you\u2019re not.\u201d Cordelia frantically shook her head.<\/p>\n
Angel nodded. \u201cBut that doesn\u2019t have to affect anything. We\u2019re friends, best friends. It doesn\u2019t have to be scary and isn\u2019t dangerous. Now you\u2019re being melodramatic. I\u2019m not dangerous to you.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOh god, you\u2019re SO dangerous to me.\u201d Cordelia hid her face again.<\/p>\n
\u201cCordy.\u201d Angel was hurt. \u201cYou can\u2019t believe that I would ever force my desires on you. Sure, I\u2019m a vampire, but I have better control over my instincts than that. I have my soul, I would\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDesire? Instincts? \u201d Cordelia squeaked. \u201cOh god.\u201d She buried her head further into her hands.<\/p>\n
\u201cCordy\u2026I wouldn\u2019t\u2026.\u201d<\/p>\n
This had to stop. Cordelia lifted her head. \u201cAngel, I\u2026I\u2019m not scared of you, okay. I don\u2019t think you\u2019re going to vamp out and ravish me\u2026.\u201d Her words trailed off as she considered the possibility. She fidgeted trying to get her mind away from the image of Angel ravishing her.<\/p>\n
God, for three years she had successfully been able to block any thoughts of Angel as a man, a man she could be attracted to.<\/p>\n
Angel, sex, Angelus equals bad. It hadn\u2019t been that hard. Even when, it became clear that sex alone wouldn\u2019t trigger Angelus. But it had happened once and that had been enough for Cordelia.<\/p>\n
But now it was like a floodgate had burst open, and every thought that she hadn\u2019t had about Angel\u2019s sexuality bombarded her.<\/p>\n
Angel was listening intently until her last words and saw her actions and smelled her growing desire. He gulped. Up until then, Angel was confident that he would never vamp out and ravish her, but it was getting very difficult to ignore his demon\u2019s inherent instinct to take what it wanted. And right now, soul or not, Angel wanted Cordelia.<\/p>\n
\u201cCordy?\u201d Angel tried to control the roughness of his voice. He had to get her talking and away from whatever it was she was thinking. Whatever it was, it was affecting both of them. He was beginning to imagine it was the same think he was thinking and wanting<\/p>\n
\u201cUm.\u201d Cordelia shook her head focusing on what she had been trying to say. \u201cYou\u2019re dangerous because you\u2019re my best friend, you\u2019re brave, good, wonderful, sexy and you\u2019re goofy enough not to be overwhelmingly perfect. I need you and love you, all of which means I can fall in love with you. Pfft, probably I\u2019m already there. Which is dangerous to me, cuz even though you\u2019re attracted to me, you love Buffy and I will NOT be attracted to or be in love with someone that loves someone else. I won\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n
Angel gulped. His mind had been effectively wiped of all imagines of ravishing Cordelia. It fact his mind was a complete blank. Angel would have remained sitting there his mouth gaping, if he hadn\u2019t seen Cordelia wave the attendant to the cart. He hadn’t noticed that the ride had stopped again, and now it was over.<\/p>\n
Angel pulled Cordelia back in the seat and growled at the approaching kid. The kid immediately swiveled and headed in back to his controls.<\/p>\n
\u201cAngel. I want to get off now.\u201d<\/p>\n
Angel shook his head and kept a tight hold on her arm as the Ferris wheel started to move again.<\/p>\n