Driving back to the hotel, I tried to forget how Cordelia felt in my arms. Suppressing images that filled my head. Willing my body not to respond to the memories of my mouth on her breast and my fingers sliding along the slick folds of her sex. Focusing on tonight\u2019s triumph was my only recourse.<\/p>\n
Unfortunately, it was short-lived. No less than two days later, Cordy was at it again. There was another guy. This one she\u2019d struck up a conversation with at the local Dry Cleaners. I couldn\u2019t believe that she was picking up dates there. Someone who didn\u2019t have a housekeeper to take care of his dry cleaning had never been on Cordelia\u2019s \u2018To Do\u2019 list.<\/p>\n
Even Cordelia admitted it when I casually asked her about her upcoming date. She was vague. Not in a suspicious way, just evasive. As if there was something about the guy she didn\u2019t want me to know.<\/p>\n
This was worse than Trey Cummings. Cordelia had no idea who or what Mister Dry Cleaners was all about. He could be a serial killer for all she knew about him. The fact that Cordelia didn\u2019t give me enough information to have him investigated forced my hand.<\/p>\n
I had no choice but to protect her from this potential opportunist.<\/p>\n
The three times they were supposed to go out together, I managed to arrange for Cordelia to be too busy with work, too grungy from cleaning or too occupied with Connor to be able to go out with Dry Cleaner Dave. Finally, both of them just gave up deciding that it was too much effort.<\/p>\n
I had to give the guy credit for persistence. He\u2019d apparently tried to offer to pick her up at the hotel, but Cordelia told him she wanted to keep her work life separate from her personal life.<\/p>\n
I\u2019d overheard the phone conversation, felt a twinge of guilt at doing so and a modicum of jealousy over the thought that she wanted a personal life that didn\u2019t include me.<\/p>\n
Then I got over the guilt.<\/p>\n
Things were fine for a few days until I noticed Cordelia spending an awful lot of time with Wesley. Their conversations would stop whenever I approached even when making an effort to ease up unnoticed.<\/p>\n
Apparently, Cordelia had grown radar that could detect me at a hundred paces and all I could do was recall that it was my own fault for teaching her to be ultra-aware of her surroundings during our training sessions.<\/p>\n
I couldn\u2019t help but wonder if there was something going on there. Had I missed out on seeing some spark between them? They\u2019d always laughed over their botched kiss back in our Sunnydale days. Now I was catching Cordelia holding Wes\u2019 hand against her face as they talked quietly or putting her arms around him.<\/p>\n
She kissed his cheek once and I met Wes\u2019 gaze from across the room. Guess he did not like what he saw there because he separated himself from Cordelia immediately. No sooner had Cordy gone out to pick up sandwiches from the deli across the street than Wes ordered me into his office.<\/p>\n
Putting Connor down in the portable bassinet that Cordy kept by her desk, I stepped into Wesley\u2019s office. Dragging the baby into this was not something I wanted to do because I had a feeling things were going to be said in a way that Connor did not need to witness.<\/p>\n
The kid had already been subjected to my jealous vibes as Lorne called them.<\/p>\n
If something was going on between Wes and Cordelia was I really going to try to stop it? They were both important to me. I trusted Wes and I knew that he would never hurt Cordelia. He was human, alive, not evil, intelligent and a whole slew of other qualities that made it impossible to find fault if Cordelia ever made that choice.<\/p>\n
What if she did? What if she\u2019d already made it? What if that\u2019s what Wes was planning to tell me?<\/p>\n
Now I fully admit that the idea had me just a little deranged. There was a growl in my voice as I approached his desk\u2026formerly my desk, \u201cGet it over with. Say what you have to say.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSit down, Angel.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019d rather stand.\u201d In fact, I was pacing like a caged tiger across the office floor, eyeing my friend with suspicion and using my predatory senses to evaluate his every reaction.<\/p>\n
There was no nervousness on his part, which was a good thing. Right? I wasn\u2019t here to frighten him off or to warn him not to touch Cordelia. I just wanted to hear it from him if there was something going on. Then I\u2019d deal with the fallout.<\/p>\n
The closer I looked, the more I noticed that Wes appeared quietly determined. \u201cFine. Just understand that I\u2019m in no mood to deal with lovesick employees at the moment. I need you focused on the mission, not Cordelia.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m focused,\u201d I assured him. Then I got to the questions that were plaguing me and since he\u2019d used the word, I asked, \u201cLovesick? Is Cordelia bothering you? She\u2019s been acting a little\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
Wesley sighed deeply and cut me off, \u201cAngel, you\u2019re so caught up in chasing after Cordelia that you\u2019re blind to almost everything around you.\u201d<\/p>\n
Chasing after her? \u201cI am not.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBe careful,\u201d Wes cautioned me. \u201cYou\u2019re too close to her for it to mean nothing. I\u2019m here to caution you against any action that might lead to my needing to stake you.\u201d<\/p>\n
He was worried about Angelus, I realized. Guess it was time to tell Wes what Lorne had already revealed to me. \u201cMy soul is secure.\u201d<\/p>\n
The guarded look he gave me suggested Wesley wasn\u2019t completely convinced. I had to provide more details and when finally he sat back in his chair there was a look of relief on his face. I\u2019d lifted that burden away.<\/p>\n
Then I had to speak in my own defense as I recalled his accusation of chasing Cordelia.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m not blind, Wes,\u201d I told him. \u201cIf there is something going on between you two, then just tell me.\u201d<\/p>\n
A cold laugh emerged from his chest and there was pity in his eyes. I hated that look and demanded to know what the hell he meant by it.<\/p>\n
\u201cI have no designs on Cordelia,\u201d he said though I quickly responded by pointing out the evidence of their touchy-feely behaviors. \u201cI have been going through a rough time since the night of the ballet and Cordelia has been helping me deal with it.\u201d<\/p>\n
Frowning, I tried to think of what had happened to Wes that night. Gunn was the one with the flesh wound. I\u2019d heard that Fred had patched him up since Cordelia hadn\u2019t come into the hotel. Then I realized that I had seen Fred and Gunn together quite a lot over the last few days or not seen them because they were out together.<\/p>\n
\u201cIs something going on with Fred and Gunn?\u201d I asked for clarification.<\/p>\n
\u201cWelcome to my world,\u201d Wes commented sardonically. \u201cLove is in the air at Angel Investigations and I\u2019m choking on it.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cFred and Gunn are in love?\u201d I didn\u2019t automatically connect the idea that he was also talking about Cordy and me.<\/p>\n
Wes confirmed, \u201cThey\u2019ve been dating ever since the ballet.\u201d<\/p>\n
I was hit by the sudden realization that Fred and Gunn had somehow managed to bridge the impossible gap between friendship and love. They\u2019d taken a step that I\u2014 that Cordelia and I couldn\u2019t take. Not without risking everything. Jealousy twisted my gut into knots as I thought of them easily managing something that was well beyond my reach.<\/p>\n
Maybe I was slowly going mad. Everything she did made me want her. I tried to stay away, but that didn\u2019t work because I missed her smile and her nonsensical chatter about the latest Cosmo poll. So did Connor who protested when I decided Cordelia might need a break from the weight of my constant stare.<\/p>\n
Much later, I was in the middle of the bed, Connor raised above me, watching as he gurgled and grinned at my vampiric features when her knock sounded on my door. In frozen tableau, I stared at the door waiting for Cordelia to pop her head in, but she waited for me to call out the okay. So I shifted back and lowered Connor so that his back rested against my bent legs.<\/p>\n
\u201cCome on in, Cordy.\u201d<\/p>\n
She didn\u2019t bother to ask how I knew it was her. I always knew. What I rarely could discern was her reason for coming. At least as long as it took for her to open her mouth because she was never one to beat around the bush when diving straight in managed to get her what she wanted. Tonight the reason was obvious.<\/p>\n
This was the first time she\u2019d been in my bedroom since before the night of the ballet. Even now her step seemed tentative as she realized what she\u2019d come for was to be found in the middle of my bed. I had no illusions that it was me.<\/p>\n
Since there was nothing case-wise going on, it was getting close to time for Cordelia to go home. I had deprived her of Connor for the past few hours and she\u2019d finally taken the bait and come looking for her baby snuggles.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m leaving,\u201d Cordelia explained to me. \u201cCan I say goodnight to Connor?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSure.\u201d<\/p>\n
She looked as if she expected me to climb off of the bed and put him in her arms. I wasn\u2019t feeling that cooperative. All the thinking I\u2019d done about Fred and Gunn made me think that maintaining our status quo relationship was impossible. Things and people changed all of the time.<\/p>\n
Maybe\u2014<\/p>\n
I felt the mattress springs shift as Cordelia climbed up onto the bed one knee at a time, sitting with her back to me as she faced the baby. Connor\u2019s eyes lit up the moment he saw her.<\/p>\n
\u201cThere you are,\u201d Cordelia made those cooing noises that always grabbed the baby\u2019s attention. \u201cMy sweet baby, Aunty Cordy\u2019s here to get her share of snuggles.\u201d<\/p>\n
I\u2019d be only too happy to oblige with the snuggling, though I had a sneaking suspicion that wasn\u2019t the only thing I\u2019d be happy to provide.<\/p>\n
As she shifted a little closer, Cordelia put a hand on my stomach and the muscles instantly tensed beneath her touch. She must have felt it too because her hand moved away so fast I might have imagined it being there. Reaching for Connor, she picked up the baby and scooted off of the bed.<\/p>\n
It didn\u2019t matter that I knew she liked to rock and walk with Connor at the same time; it just felt like she was evading me. Call it predatory instinct or plain stupidity, I was off the bed and on my feet in a matter of seconds hovering close as she whispered to Connor that she would see him tomorrow.<\/p>\n
Placing a kiss on his downy baby hair, Cordelia turned to hand him back to me. She paused catching the look on my face, which must have held a kind of wonderment at the picture they made. Anyone seeing them would never guess that Connor was a motherless child.<\/p>\n
\u201cAre you going to take him back or is he coming to the apartment with me tonight?\u201d Cordelia stared at me like I\u2019d grown a third eye until I realized I wasn\u2019t moving. I took Connor holding him in the crook of my left arm.<\/p>\n
Seeing that the baby was settled, Cordelia started to move away. Being so close and still feeling that warm rush as I realized just how important she was to my son as well as me, I circled my hand around her upper arm holding her next to me. Cordelia looked a little like a deer caught in the glare of the headlights as she glanced up at me, for good reason, too.<\/p>\n
I had every intention of telling her she wasn\u2019t going anywhere. There was no plan after that; I simply didn\u2019t want her to leave.<\/p>\n
That was why I needed to let her go, but not before I said, \u201cGoodnight, Cordy.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAngel,\u201d she sounded out my name and it felt like a caress against my skin. Palming her face, I pressed a kiss to her forehead and then another against her cheek.<\/p>\n
***<\/p>\n
I\u2019d made the mistake of letting her out of my room, allowing Cordelia to escape my attentions. At the last second, I realized the destination of my next kiss and the sight of her lush mouth turned up to mine was almost enough to make me forget myself. It was so easy to let emotions rule your actions and mine were a twisted mess.<\/p>\n
Unfortunately, the baby squirmed in my arms caught between us and I had to let her go. Cordelia stepped back with a hasty goodnight and was gone within seconds. The sound of her heart thundering against her ribs made it clear that I\u2019d overstepped the bounds of friendship. Her footsteps in the hall and on the stairs carried her away at a fast pace.<\/p>\n
So which was it\u2026fortune or misfortune\u2026a mistake? When it came to Cordelia, I was rapidly starting to lose touch with my own understanding of our relationship. In my head the difference between friends and lovers was always an absolutely defined line.<\/p>\n
Then again, I\u2019d never really had friends since my human days and even then they were my roustabout drinking buddies never female. I suppose that I never really knew the definition of true friendship until Cordelia came along. Doyle, Wesley, Gunn and Fred\u2026I know exactly what category to place them in.<\/p>\n
Fred\u2019s a woman. Take her for example. She\u2019s quickly become part of our close-knit family of friends. Her quirky ways and brainy schemes fascinate me. Part of me is completely relieved that she\u2019s fallen for Gunn because it means that Fred has gotten over the crush she developed after I saved her in Pylea.<\/p>\n
I\u2019d defend Fred with my life just as I would the others, but comparing my friendship with her to what I have with Cordelia seems\u2026well, I don\u2019t know what it seems. That is half the problem.<\/p>\n
I\u2019ve known Cordy longer. We\u2019ve been through so much together. She\u2019s my seer. The pain she feels is real when the visions come and it\u2019s all because of me, but she takes it and goes on. Between the two of us, I sometimes think she\u2019s the real champion to put up with everything that the PTB send her way. I\u2019m just the muscle that makes it happen.<\/p>\n
Does she know how much I value her presence in my life, that I\u2019d do anything for her, anything to keep her at my side? Is that why I\u2019ve been so \u2018overprotective\u2019 as she calls it? I\u2019m just assuring her safety.<\/p>\n
Vampires are known to be possessive of things they\u2019ve claimed. That includes their childer, mates, pets, minions and belongings. Most vampires don\u2019t have souls or the emotional ties that I do much less true friends. Is it any wonder I have trouble in categorizing where they and especially Cordelia fit in my life?<\/p>\n
I\u2019ve known Wesley almost as long as Cordelia. We\u2019ve had such ups and downs in our relationship and our friendship is stronger for it. He sees me for what I am and could be despite everything he knows about my past. He has a strength and determination I never would have suspected upon first glance back in Sunnydale, a resolve to do what is right no matter the consequences.<\/p>\n
Because of that, I trust him with my life because I know he\u2019d be willing to take it if the circumstances dictated the need to do so. I love him like the brother I never had. Despite my two-hundred plus years in excess existence, Wes sometimes takes on that older brother air, especially when he\u2019s talking to me about Cordelia. I appreciate his counsel even when I choose to ignore it.<\/p>\n
Gunn is the same, the younger counterpart to Wesley. If he wasn\u2019t so caught up in his new relationship with Fred, he\u2019d probably be trying to kick my ass for my recent behavior. He\u2019s as protective of Cordelia as I am. Treats her like a sister and would be watching me like a hawk if he had the ability to read my mind, had a clue of what went on the night of the ballet or was observant enough to notice that I can\u2019t keep my eyes off of her these days.<\/p>\n
Not that I can\u2019t be trusted. I\u2019m doing my best to protect her. From me. I\u2019m just not going to let anyone else take advantage of her while I\u2019m at it.<\/p>\n
Lovers fall into such a separate category from friends. At least they always have for me as I sit here contemplating the subject. I could draw a line down the center of a blank page and easily put people into columns.<\/p>\n
Darla\u2026that\u2019s an easy one. She and my childer all fell into the same category and it wasn\u2019t friendship.<\/p>\n
When it comes to Buffy, I\u2019m ashamed to admit it, but we were never really friends. I watched over her, fought for her, protected her and loved her, but we were never really anything but star-crossed lovers. I know that now. I think I knew it then, but would never have admitted it to myself. I was too caught up in her to see beyond the moment and it led to my own downfall.<\/p>\n
Technically, placing Cordelia on that list should be easy. Friend. That\u2019s what she is and always has been to me. Well, except when she was more of an irritating beauty with a penchant for hitting on me back in our early Sunnydale days. How different she is now than then only somehow even more beautiful to me because she no longer hides behind a metaphorical mask.<\/p>\n
Cordelia is radiant and good and pure of heart and I\u2019m drawn to that inner beauty as much as I am to her physical form. The more I think about her, the more I want her. She should be mine in every way there is to be mine. I fantasize about taking her, claiming her, loving her until she\u2019s physically dependant upon me for the pleasure I can give her.<\/p>\n
Maybe I\u2019m just a little obsessed with the idea.<\/p>\n
So to which category does Cordelia belong? She\u2019s never been my lover, but I want her to be. She is my friend and I\u2019ve fought so hard to get that back, I don\u2019t want to chance losing it. I can\u2019t lose it. I won\u2019t lose it.<\/p>\n
I just need to keep control. Be supportive. Be the friend that I say I am. Ignore the jealousy that pulls at my reigns whenever she dares to talk to another man. As long as she\u2019s safe, as long as it\u2019s what she wants, I have to try to let her live her life.<\/p>\n
Now that her attempted dating stint with Dry Cleaner Dave was over, I thought that I could relax. Not so. As if my goodnight kisses, however close or distant they might have been to her lips, spurred Cordelia into action, she announced the next day that she had a dinner scheduled with yet another guy.<\/p>\n
Where were these men coming from? Had they always been around and I never saw their interest in Cordelia or was it because she hadn\u2019t been interested in them that I ignored their presence? This was someone else I\u2019d never met and I figured to do the same with Musician Mike as I did with Dave from the Dry Cleaners. My plotting didn\u2019t get very far. This time intervention came directly from the PTB.<\/p>\n
Cordelia had a vision and had to cancel her evening plans thanks to the migraine that lingered even after the mission was complete. Part of me was selfishly grateful to the PTB for their timing, but seeing the woman I\u2014 seeing Cordelia in pain quickly squashed my momentary glee that Mike would be making music on his own tonight.<\/p>\n
I\u2019d bundled Cordelia into my arms, tucked her into my bed and arranged for Fred to take care of Connor just so Cordy could get some rest. So what if she has her own bedroom here at the hotel, I never consciously thought about it at the time. All I knew was I put her where she belonged.<\/p>\n