{"id":4459,"date":"2015-07-08T22:15:18","date_gmt":"2015-07-08T21:15:18","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/goteamfiction.com\/?p=4459"},"modified":"2015-07-08T22:15:18","modified_gmt":"2015-07-08T21:15:18","slug":"blurry","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/goteamfiction.com\/index.php\/2015\/07\/08\/blurry\/","title":{"rendered":"Blurry."},"content":{"rendered":"

Title: Blurry<\/b>
\nAuthor: <\/b>Little Heaven<\/strong>
\nPosted originally: <\/b>11\/\/03
\nEmail<\/b><\/a>
\nRating: <\/b>NC-17 (for the naked part)
\nCategory: <\/b>Halloween Fic
\nContent: <\/b>
\nSummary: <\/b>Mrs O-Town\u2019s<\/i> Theme: Isolation. One of the AI team gets trapped in an alternate dimension where they’re taunted by images from their past and it changes them somehow.
\nSpoilers: <\/b>
\nDisclaimer: <\/b>The characters in the Angelverse were created by Joss Whedon & David Greenwalt. No infringement is intended, no profit is made.
\nDistribution: <\/b>Just ask.
\nNotes: <\/b>
\nThanks\/Dedication: <\/b>Halloween Fic For Mrs O-Town.<\/b>
\nFeedback: <\/b><\/p>\n

\n

Everything’s so blurry, and everyone’s so fake
\nAnd everybody’s empty and everything is so messed up
\nPre-occupied without you, I cannot live at all
\nMy whole world surrounds you, I stumble then I crawl
\nYou could be my someone, you could be my scene
\nYou know that I’ll protect you, from all of the obscene
\nI wonder what you’re doing, imagine where you are
\nThere’s oceans in between us, but that’s not very far<\/i>
\n– Blurry, Puddle of Mudd.<\/b><\/i>
\n**~**<\/p>\n

\nAt first it was like being asleep. Dark, and peaceful. Floating on a sea of warm molasses, which, thank God she really wasn\u2019t, because that would *so* ruin her clothes. Of course, she wasn\u2019t sure if she was wearing any — but that\u2019s what it felt like. Drifting, calm, relaxed.<\/p>\n

Her brain was soft and woolly, and all the dreadful memories and thoughts of the last few months were hazy and far away. No more of the horror of being a human puppet. Here, wherever she was, she was safe from the full impact of the hurt.<\/p>\n

Cordelia was grateful for the respite. Kissing that beast thing had been gross. And if she thought of Connor — well it was a good thing she was asleep, or there would have been a lot of unattractive barfing. If she ever woke up, there wasn\u2019t going to be enough water in the world to wash away the yuk of what she\u2019d been forced to do.<\/p>\n

Then, after what could have been hours, or days, or even weeks, there was the sensation of rising, of coming up out of the sea. Black turned to grey, turned to pink. Sounds became sharper, clearer, louder. Her face broke the surface. Cordelia opened her eyes.<\/p>\n

Okay, everything looked a bit out of focus. Maybe she\u2019d been under so long that her eyes were out of practice. She blinked a few times, rubbed her fingers over her eyelids. It didn\u2019t help. The room looked fuzzy, like she was viewing it through a frosted window, and the colours were drab and faded.<\/p>\n

She peered down at herself, stretched in a half-sitting position on what looked like a hospital bed. Oh, God, she was still a bit fat. \u201cEnough with the demon pregnancies,\u201d she muttered. Perhaps she had \u2018incubator of evil\u2019 tattooed across her forehead in ink that only demons could see, because it was becoming an alarming recurrence.<\/p>\n

At least her clothes were nice. Actually, *really* nice. Calvin Klein jeans. She couldn\u2019t see the label on the shirt, but it felt like real silk. The boots were suede. Someone had given her a top-notch manicure, and the smell of L\u2019eau D\u2019Issey tickled the back of her nose. How had Angel been able to afford this?<\/p>\n

A cold shiver ran up her back. What if he hadn\u2019t won? What if, right now, she was being kept, like a pet, by the thing that had hijacked her body?<\/p>\n

\u201cOnly one way to find out,\u201d she said aloud, frowning as her voice made no echo in the room. Like she was talking into cotton wool. She swung her legs off the edge of the bed, expecting that \u2018you got up too fast\u2019 dizzy rush, but her head was clear. Carefully, she slid her butt off the mattress, her feet making full contact with the floor. It felt weird, rubbery, like she was standing on latex. Like she\u2019d sat on her legs for too long, and her feet had gone half-numb.<\/p>\n

Cordelia turned to look at the bed, and her breath jammed in her throat. She was looking at herself. Her body, still asleep, immaculately dressed and groomed, a few clear tubes running from her nose and mouth. She let the breath out with a \u2018whoosh\u2019 and put her hands on her hips. \u201cOh crap, not again!\u201d<\/p>\n

She glanced around the room. It looked, through the haze, like someone was moving in. Boxes were piled against one wall. She went up close, bent her head and squinted at the vivid-marker scrawl on the side of the top carton. \u2018Cordy\u2019s things.\u2019 It looked like Angel\u2019s handwriting. A little flutter tingled in her chest. He was still alive.<\/p>\n

So, she was the one moving in. This was her room. For some reason that made her stomach drop. It had a feeling of permanence. Why would they bother moving all her stuff in here? Unless they thought\u2026 Yee, not good.<\/p>\n

The door swung open, and Angel, looking as out-of-focus as everything else, strode in. He had his \u2018mega-brood-face\u2019 on, and the slump of his shoulders betrayed weariness.<\/p>\n

\u201cAngel?\u201d she said. It was worth a try. Maybe not all comas were equal.<\/p>\n

He didn\u2019t look up, just leaned on the edge of the bed, and took her body\u2019s hand. For a while he stroked her fingers, pressed them to his cheek, and just stared.<\/p>\n

Cordelia felt like she was intruding on someone else\u2019s private moment. He looked wrecked, despairing. Fear bloomed in her chest.<\/p>\n

Finally he let her hand go, placed it across her stomach, and pressed a chaste kiss to her forehead. \u201cI\u2019m sorry, Cordy.\u201d With a swish of his black duster, he turned, striding from the room without a backward glance.<\/p>\n

Cordelia ran after him. At the doorway, she hit some sort of barrier, bounced back off it like someone had strung a trampoline from the frame. \u201cThat\u2019s it?\u201d she shouted as the door drifted closed. Her only answer was the muffled echo of his feet, dwindling away to silence.<\/p>\n

What the hell was wrong with him? Last time this happened, he\u2019d been frantic, they all had. Trying desperately to get her back. Now all she had was ten minutes of defeated pessimism. She sank, shaking, into a nearby chair. It, too, felt rubbery and distant, the touch not fully registering against her back and legs.<\/p>\n

Days passed. Nurses came and went. Stylists, physiotherapists. All distant and fuzzy, their speech quiet and distorted.<\/p>\n

\u201cStop making me look good, and try waking me up!\u201d she screamed at them. She tried picking up items and throwing them, but somehow her hand slipped off, nothing would stay in her grip, nothing even moved.<\/p>\n

And Angel didn\u2019t come back.<\/p>\n

Cordelia realised that, for the first time in her life, she was truly alone. No fake friends to hang out with. The Cordettes had been better than nothing. No Scooby Gang — the closest thing to real friends she\u2019d had in Sunnydale. None of the others from Angel Investigations came to visit.<\/p>\n

\u201cThey hate me,\u201d she whispered, sickly cold spreading through her gut. She\u2019d betrayed them all, the day she let that demon inside, she knew that now. God, she hated herself, every day since she ran out of the Hyperion and away from her family.<\/p>\n

Cordy had never realised how slowly time moved when there was truly nothing to do.
\nEavesdropping on conversations held only a little interest. The woman who bathed her was having problems with her landlord, and the gay hairdresser was having a spat with his boyfriend.<\/p>\n

Big woop. It all seemed so small, so insignificant compared to the things she\u2019d seen, the stuff that was out there. Stuff she used to be able to fight.<\/p>\n

Now she was cut off from everything and everyone she loved, trapped in this little, sterile room. Isolated in a drab, blurry world.<\/p>\n

Cordelia found that she didn\u2019t sleep. She wished she could. With every minute that dragged by, she wanted more and more to lie down, and never wake up. No helpless to help, nobody to talk to, and it was only going to be so long before she ran out of things to think about, started dwelling on that part of the last few months that was tucked away at the back of her mind.<\/p>\n

Lurking like a monster, ready to leap out and crush her. It was coming, and she didn\u2019t want to be around when the dam broke.<\/p>\n

She wanted to die.<\/p>\n

On the evening of the fourth day, she curled up in the chair she couldn\u2019t really feel, and began counting the blips on the small machine beside her bed. Her heartbeat. Every flash seemed to get brighter, pulsing, filling her vision. She was drifting again, floating, her mind consumed only with the steady rhythm. It filled the room, and nothing else existed\u2026<\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

\u201cCordy?\u201d Angel\u2019s voice made her head snap up.<\/p>\n

\u201cHuh?\u201d she glanced around, relief washing through her. Her apartment, warm and familiar, everything clear and sharp and full of colour. Thank God. And then came the shimmering sense of d\u00e9j\u00e0 vu. She\u2019d been here before, not just in this place, but in this moment.<\/p>\n

Her hair was long, tangled, curling over her shoulder, her ponytail tatty and unruly. Her eyes felt swollen and gritty, and her nose was running. A tide of grief crashed down. Doyle.<\/p>\n

\u201cI hope this is all right,\u201d Angel said, coming through from the kitchen, a steaming mug in his hand. The rich smell of cocoa filled the room. \u201cI wasn\u2019t sure how you like it.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019ll be fine,\u201d she said, sniffing. \u201cI can\u2019t believe he\u2019s really gone.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt was my job. I — I tried to stop him\u2026\u201d Angel shook his head, his voice catching. Fresh tears shone in his eyes, and he made no attempt to disguise them. He sat beside her, dirty, shattered, placing the mug on the table.<\/p>\n

She wiped at her nose. \u201cAnd then you would be dead, I would be crying over you, instead.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019d cry over me?\u201d he said, looking like the idea had never occurred to him.<\/p>\n

She slapped his arm, hard. \u201cOf course, dumbass. If you were gone, who\u2019d sign my paycheck?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh.\u201d He seemed crestfallen for a second. Then, \u201cOh, you were joking. Weren\u2019t you?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI figure Doyle wouldn\u2019t want us to be all maudlin and puffy-eyed,\u201d she said, and the sound of his name on her lips was all it took to bring her own tears flooding back, running unchecked down her face.<\/p>\n

\u201cNope, he\u2019d be making us drink that Poly-Malt scotch, and telling us to pull ourselves together.\u201d Angel dug in his pocket, presumably looking to offer her a handkerchief, but came up empty.<\/p>\n

Cordelia used her sleeve, blotting up the dripping mascara, even though it would probably never wash out. One more ruined outfit, courtesy of Angel Investigations. Maybe that\u2019s why Doyle had always dressed so badly. On those shirts, you could never tell which bits were the pattern and which bits were stains. Perhaps it was all part of a cunning master plan. She\u2019d never given him enough credit, for a lot of things.<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, God, I slapped him,\u201d she gasped. \u201cI called him short, and poor.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m sure it\u2019s nothing he hadn\u2019t heard before.\u201d Angel gave a melancholy chuckle.<\/p>\n

\u201cI was horrible to him,\u201d she said, the memories of a hundred snarky comments crowding into her head.<\/p>\n

Angel\u2019s hand landed on her shoulder, an awkward, timid touch. \u201cHe didn\u2019t mind. He loved that he couldn\u2019t work you out. I think he saw it as a challenge.\u201d<\/p>\n

She glanced up at him. \u201cLoved?\u201d<\/p>\n

A sad, reminiscent smile spread across Angel\u2019s face. \u201cWell — he called you a stiffener.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy that little\u2026\u201d Cordelia stopped the word \u2018weasel\u2019 from coming out. She heaved a giant sigh. \u201cI\u2019m really gonna miss him. Bad clothes, funny smell, and all.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMe too.\u201d Angel stared across the room, his eyes unfocussed, misty, the beginnings of his brood-face beginning to show.<\/p>\n

She reached a hand out, stalling for a second as he startled, then gently poked at his Brylcreamed fringe. \u201cI like this look on you. Very Hogan\u2019s Heroes.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou think?\u201d He smoothed his hand over it.<\/p>\n

\u201cI think,\u201d she replied, smiling, reaching for the cocoa. The overpowering chocolatey smell hit the back of her nose, and the first sip caught in her throat, causing her to cough and splutter. \u201cEww, God, Angel! How many spoons did you put in this?\u201d<\/p>\n

He shrugged. \u201cI don\u2019t know, six, maybe seven? Hot chocolate isn\u2019t my area of expertise. Is it really bad?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWorse.\u201d She nodded, trying to stop her tongue sticking to the roof of her mouth.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll make tea. I\u2019m better at tea,\u201d he said, taking the mug from her and rising, turning for the kitchen.<\/p>\n

\u201cAngel, I think there\u2019s some vodka in there. Get that, too,\u201d she called after him.<\/p>\n

She sank back in the cushions, pressed a hand to her forehead. This was too horrible. Poor Doyle. He saved her life, and Angel\u2019s, and all those scared, half-demon families\u2026<\/p>\n

Something cut into her reverie, a cold, shuddery sensation. A draft blew against her feet, and the feeling of being watched made all the hair on her neck prickle.<\/p>\n

Cordelia looked down, wondering where the icy breeze was coming from. Maybe there was a hole in the floor, beneath the sofa. She lowered her hand, trying to gauge the source of the air. As soon as she touched the floor, it stopped.<\/p>\n

\u201cHuh,\u201d she said, shrugging. Just as she was about to sit back up, one long, bony finger shot out from beneath the sofa, wrapping around her ankle. She dragged in a lungful of air — the prelude to a scream — and jerked upright.<\/p>\n

Nothing. Just the poky little out-of-focus room, her comatose body, motionless on the bed before her, and the sound of her heart hammering in her ears. \u201cMust have been a dream,\u201d she murmured, pulling her feet up onto the chair, hugging her knees to her chest.<\/p>\n

For a few moments, she\u2019d been back in the real world. Sure, in her past, and a pretty painful part of it, but just to be back in that moment, with someone to talk to — with Angel — had been so wonderful. Until the Finger of Freak-out had ruined it all. That definitely hadn\u2019t happened the first time around. Probably a hangover from carting around an evil hell-thing inside her for months.<\/p>\n

She wanted to go back. It wasn\u2019t real, but it was a hell of a lot better than sitting here in the room that time forgot. Cordelia trained her eyes on the blipping machine again, slowing her thoughts, just concentrating on breathing in, and out. In, and out. In\u2026<\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

Her arms were full of clothes. They covered her desk, spilling onto the chair. Blouses and skirts, jackets, wraps — a myriad of colours and expensive fabrics. Real, honest-to-God couture. Bags and tissue paper littered the floor, and her smile was so big it hurt her face. She jumped and squealed. \u201cI have new clothes!\u201d<\/p>\n

A dark shadow lurked to her right. Angel. Cordy could see him out of the corner of her eye, his expression half goofy, half smug.<\/p>\n

\u201cGet over here.\u201d She pointed to the floor in front of her.<\/p>\n

Angel\u2019s face transformed from smug to scared. \u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWe need to get something straight,\u201d she said, as sternly as she could with the smell of designer labels wafting past her nose. God, she\u2019d missed that aroma. Money.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou do like them, right? I mean, with the bouncing, and the hugging\u2026?\u201d he asked, shoving his hands in his pockets. Little bits of gold glitter from her top had stuck to the front of his jersey when she’d hugged him, and they sparkled as he moved.<\/p>\n

She put down the garments and crossed her arms across her chest. \u201cWell, duh! Of course I do. But don\u2019t misinterpret my screams of joy to mean that buying me all this stuff gets you off the hook just like that.\u201d She snapped her fingers.<\/p>\n

The beginnings of a pout tugged at his bottom lip. \u201cWe\u2019re still not friends?\u201d<\/p>\n

A flash of cerise caught her eye, one of the gorgeous tops beginning to slide off the table. She grabbed it, felt the fabric. So beautiful\u2026 No, dammit, focus, Cor. \u201cI\u2019m not saying that,\u201d she sighed, releasing the blouse. \u201cBut I\u2019m not saying you\u2019re forgiven, either, not by a long shot, mister.\u201d<\/p>\n

The pout got bigger. \u201cI\u2019m\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t say you\u2019re sorry again. It\u2019s just too painful to listen to. And if you get all stumbly and uncoordinated, you might trip and damage the clothes. This is going to be our final discussion on the matter. You know why I was mad?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes.\u201d He hung his head.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou promise not to go all \u2018Dark Avenger\u2019 again?<\/p>\n

\u201cI promise.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd no more skanky blondes? What am I saying? You\u2019re a eunuch.\u201d She shrugged.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m not\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

Cordy held up a hand, stopping him mid protest. \u201cDon\u2019t interrupt. I *am* still your friend, Angel. With you until the end, blah blah blah — remember?\u201d<\/p>\n

His face lit up, the smile almost stopping her in her tracks. Now there was a sight.<\/p>\n

She took a step forward, jabbed her finger in the middle of his chest, sending a little shower of glitter to the floor. \u201cBut, you ever do anything like that again, and I swear, I will kick your lily-white vampire butt all the way to hell. Understand?\u201d She punctuated the last word with an extra hard poke.<\/p>\n

\u201cYes. Cordy, you know I\u2019m\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, yeah, sorry, I know.\u201d Cordy turned back to her clothes, so he wouldn\u2019t see the grin threatening to break across her face. \u201cNow, get me some coffee, Office Boy. And I\u2019ll need some hangers. Don\u2019t want these to crease.\u201d<\/p>\n

She peeked at him, just a flash. The look on his face was priceless.<\/p>\n

\u201cOffice Boy?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cTick tock.\u201d She bit her lip. Mustn\u2019t laugh now.<\/p>\n

\u201cRight, coffee, hangers, I can do that,\u201d he scurried away, and she managed to keep it together until he left the lobby. He deserved to pay for what he did, and she was *so* going to make sure of that. But it was good to have him back. Really good. Not that she was admitting it to anyone else. No siree.<\/p>\n

A figure cut across the edge of her vision. She pulled herself together, put her serious face on, and turned, ready to give another lecture. There was no way Angel could have fetched her coffee that fast.<\/p>\n

She was right. A swirl of black robes and a flash of red eyes. A gust of cold air, rancid, the reek of graves and rotting flesh. A glint of metal. Then it was gone.<\/p>\n

Cordy opened her mouth to call for Angel. Or Wes. A small noise behind her made her jump, and before she could whirl in that direction, a gnarled, flaking hand was over her mouth, muffling her scream, yanking her head back. The room began to swim, blur, and\u2026<\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

Cordelia was in bed. Her own bed. Sheets that smelled of fabric softener and body lotion. A gentle flutter on the pillowcase indicated Dennis was there, fussing, as he always did.<\/p>\n

The evening\u2019s memories came flooding back — scored flesh, boils and pus, skin blistering and peeling from her arms. “Oh, God,” she gasped, hands flying to her face, feeling for lumps and scabs.<\/p>\n

“Cordy.” Angel towered beside her bed, and her heart shot into her throat.<\/p>\n

“Dammit, Angel,” she gasped. “Don’t sneak up like that!”<\/p>\n

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to — I just wanted to be sure you were okay,\u201d he said, sitting on the mattress beside her, his solid thigh pressing against her leg through the covers. His face was sombre in the dim light from the hall. \u201cHow do you feel?”<\/p>\n

She breathed a moment, listened to her body. It was quiet. All the burning, stinging, aching; just a memory. “Fine. Tired, but okay. Are the boils gone?”<\/p>\n

“Yes, it’s fixed. You look great,” he said, hooking her hair back behind one ear. For a moment his finger stayed across her cheek, smoothing over the skin where the welts had been.<\/p>\n

She frowned at him. “You smell of smoke. What happened?”<\/p>\n

“The usual. Got transported to a hell dimension, broke some guy out of a prison made of fire, came back. Standard stuff.” His voice was light, but she could tell by the little line that appeared between his eyebrows that all was not well.<\/p>\n

Cordy pushed herself up, leaning forward to rest her arms on her raised knees, eyeballing him. “What? Spill, I know something’s wrong.”<\/p>\n

He turned away, looking out the window at the city lights. “The man I rescued was evil. I had to hurt some good people — and other things.”<\/p>\n

“So why did — ooooh. For me.” She hung her head. This sucked. “You shouldn’t have.”<\/p>\n

“Not an option, Cordy,” he said, his voice gruff. Turning back to her, he took her hand, his eyes boring into her. She felt naked, a rabbit caught in headlights. He swallowed hard, blinked a couple of times. “I don’t want you to be scared anymore. If we can find some way to take the visions…”<\/p>\n

“No. Keep your hands off my visions.” She shook her head.<\/p>\n

“But you said…”<\/p>\n

“Well, wouldn’t you? I was all burnt and gross and oozing. It freaked me out. I’m fine now. Good as new.”<\/p>\n

His frown deepened. “You know I meant what I said — I’d still need you, visions or not.”<\/p>\n

“Oh yeah, the car thing,” Cordy sighed. She really wished people would stop comparing her to stuff. However good the intention, it always came out sounding like an insult. “I’m not just doing it for you. I’m doing it for the people who need our help. They need me, too. The day the PTB start contacting you by SMS, I’ll gladly give the visions up. Of course, you’d have to work out how to use your phone by then.”<\/p>\n

“It’s the buttons,” he protested. “They’re too little.”<\/p>\n

She quirked her eyebrow at him, watched the conflict pass across his face. Knew he wanted to press the point. Wondered if he was going to sit there all night, brooding. “Angel I’d really like to go back to sleep. You are planning to go home, right? Because lurking in girls’ bedrooms while they sleep is just disturbing.”<\/p>\n

He looked embarrassed. “Okay, if you’re sure you’re all right.”<\/p>\n

“I’m fine. Shoo. I’ll see you at the office.” She smiled and waved until he\u2019d closed the door behind him. Waited until the front door clicked shut, and then let herself slump back against the pillows. It would have been so easy to take him up on the offer. Offload the visions. Save what little was left of her brain.<\/p>\n

She *was* scared. Scared of dying. Scared of leaving him. Scared of being alone\u2026<\/p>\n

A noise startled her. A scuttling, scratching noise. Something was under the bed. \u201cDon\u2019t be silly,\u201d she laughed, thin and nervous. There were no monsters under the bed — well, none in here anyway; Angel would have smelled them.<\/p>\n

More scuttling, louder, and she could feel small impacts on the underside of the bed base. Cordelia shrank down beneath the covers, pulling them up beneath her chin, staring at the foot of the bed, a horizon over which anything could rise. Oh, God, let it just be a really big spider. Even a cockroach. Anything but\u2026<\/p>\n

A dark shadow took form, growing, two red eyes, unblinking. A long, craggy arm reached toward her, fingers stretched outward. Dread stabbed in her chest, constricted her throat.<\/p>\n

\u201cAngel!\u201d she shrieked, closing her eyes, unable to move or think or\u2026<\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

The sky burned bright with fire. A sour wind whipped at her coat, her hair. Little red coals dropped down around her, smoke pouring from them in hazy grey arcs. She didn\u2019t remember this place, turned to get her bearings.<\/p>\n

A black figure approached, leaping from rooftop to rooftop. Moving with the swift grace and strength of a vampire. Angel. As he got closer she could see blood, dirt, bruises. He landed heavily beside her, staggered, and she reached out to him. Her hand passed right through, and he stumbled forward, oblivious to her presence. Righted himself and stared at the building across the street. At the window.<\/p>\n

Cordelia followed his line of sight, and her stomach lurched. So this was how he knew. How he found out. \u201cOh, God, I\u2019m sorry. I\u2019m so sorry. It wasn\u2019t me, wasn\u2019t my fault,\u201d she said, putting her hand to his cheek, though she knew it wouldn\u2019t really touch him.<\/p>\n

The look on his face was worse than what she knew she\u2019d see in that room, but she couldn\u2019t turn away. It was like a knife slicing through her chest, hurting more than the boils and the burning, even more than the rebar in her guts.<\/p>\n

Angel opened his mouth, a cry of pure rage and anguish poured out, and he turned, storming into the stairwell. Smashed the door open and blasted inside.<\/p>\n

Cordelia didn\u2019t follow. Couldn\u2019t. She just sank to her knees and wept, on the roof of the building, listening to Angel wrecking everything he could touch. She never knew how much she\u2019d hurt him. \u201cIt wasn\u2019t my fault,\u201d she sobbed, over and over, and for the first time in a long while, believed it.<\/p>\n

This was where \u2018doing the right thing\u2019 had left her.<\/p>\n

After a long time she stood, wiped her face, and looked back at the window. Saw herself and Connor asleep, wrapped together. Then she turned, glanced across the roof at the tall, robed figure, with red eyes glowing beneath its hood. How long had it been there, watching her? It lifted one skeletal hand, and beckoned.<\/p>\n

She looked back out over the city, wondering if it would do any good to run. The lights were pale beneath the glow of the fire, blurry through the smoke. Thousands of little haloes in the City of Angels. \u201cLet it come and get me. Cordelia Chase is done running,\u201d she murmured. Her eyelids felt heavy, exhaustion clouding her vision, dragging them down\u2026<\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

\u201cCordy.\u201d Angel\u2019s voice made her blink. The lights of LA were clear, winking through the large window at her. She turned around, eyes widening as she took in the plush apartment. It reeked of money. Every ornament and furnishing was beautiful and obviously expensive.<\/p>\n

The subdued lighting gave it a smoky, sexy appeal, and it took her a second to spot Angel, half-sitting, half-laying on a large, square sofa, shoes off, dressed in only a white tee and loose, black drawstring pants.<\/p>\n

\u201cHuh?\u201d she said, dumbly, trying to take it all in. Glancing down at herself and wondering why she was standing there in a long, red, satin slip.<\/p>\n

He rose, coming towards her, looking concerned. \u201cYou okay? Where were you just then?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSomewhere not very nice,\u201d she admitted, rubbing her arms as gooseflesh prickled.<\/p>\n

His hands landed on hers. \u201cIt\u2019ll take time. If you want to talk\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo,\u201d she said quickly. This was too weird. Where was this place? And why was Angel looking at her that way? Soft, dark eyes making an appreciative sweep of her body from waist to head, his hands sliding around to her back, fingers resting on the curve just above her ass. The way lovers touched.<\/p>\n

Oooh, right, she got it now. This must be a sex dream. A coma sex dream. Well, why not? Wasn\u2019t like she was getting any real action, wherever her body was.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s okay. Take your time. We have plenty of time.\u201d Angel reached up and smoothed a strand of hair from her face, cupped her cheek in his palm, and moved closer. His thighs touched hers, the hand on her back pressing her into him, just there. \u201cYou know I never thought we\u2019d get to\u2026\u201d he trailed off, his lips almost touching hers, then pulling back.<\/p>\n

Fire sparked in her belly, heat sweeping outwards, crackling across her skin like a forest fire. She didn\u2019t need words — every part of her body must have screamed desire that lit her up like a beacon.<\/p>\n

He felt it, the sharp intake of breath through his nose a giveaway response. \u201cAre you sure?\u201d he whispered.<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, duh!\u201d she replied. It was supposed to be flippant, but came out throaty, breathless.<\/p>\n

He hovered, an endless second humming between them, and then slowly, slowly, pressed his lips to hers. Soft, unhurried, dry, like a schoolyard kiss. Pulling away just a little, leaving her hanging, sweet torture, then sucking her bottom lip, just touching it with the tip of his tongue.<\/p>\n

Cordelia felt the moan come up from her belly. It spilled out, an animal noise she wasn\u2019t aware she could make, and his nostrils flared, small pants of breath cooling her face.<\/p>\n

And then the restraint was gone, his mouth crashing down on hers, teeth clashing, tongue darting out, cool velvet, tangling with her own. A groan rumbled through his chest, his hands cupping her ass and pulling her harder against him, his hips grinding into her stomach, and she felt a hot thrill at the sudden hard steel pressing into her belly.<\/p>\n

He pulled again, up, and her feet left the floor. The slip rode up to her hips, covering his hands, as she wrapped her legs around his waist, gripping the back of his neck as the kiss deepened.<\/p>\n

This was so good. Too good. Even though she knew it was a dream, she broke free, gasped, \u201cthe curse.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re safe, Cordy. I\u2019ll always keep you safe,\u201d he said, his voice low and gruff.<\/p>\n

She stilled, listening to her heart pounding, blood hammering through her veins. \u201cI know you will, Angel.\u201d<\/p>\n

And then they were kissing again. He drank her in, like she was his water, his air. She could feel the heat pouring from her, soaking into him, like the sun warming the ocean after a long, cold winter.<\/p>\n

With strong strides, he carried her to the sofa, sat down so she straddled his lap. Her knees sank into the soft cushions, bringing her centre down on his. She could feel the hard press of him, and all she wanted was to have that part of him deep inside her. Just the thought had her stomach and thighs quivering, and she rocked forward, making him groan and buck against her.<\/p>\n

His lips left hers and trailed down her neck, her chest, making a damp circle on the fabric as he sucked one nipple into his mouth. Cordelia gasped, hung her head back, lost in the sensation.<\/p>\n

\u201cBeautiful,\u201d he murmured against the hard little pebble, running his hands up her sides, carrying the red satin higher. She let go of his shoulders and raised her arms, and it shimmered up and away in a wide arc, pooling on the floor. She glanced down, realized she wore no underwear. Saw the solid column of his cock, outlined through the black fabric, nestled against her thigh.<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, God,\u201d she gasped, her fingers plucking at his t-shirt.<\/p>\n

\u201cOkay?\u201d he said, his eyes burning like the embers that had fallen from the LA sky.<\/p>\n

\u201cWant\u2026\u201d It was all she could get out. Words were forgotten and all she knew the song of her body, a symphony of need drowning out coherent thought.<\/p>\n

He chuckled, and it was the sexiest thing she\u2019d ever heard. The t-shirt flew up, joined her slip on the floor, and he raised his hips, shimmying the flowing black pants down, kicking them free.<\/p>\n

Damn, he was hot. All chiselled muscle and pale, smooth skin. Cordelia pressed herself to him, rubbing herself up his chest like a cat, feeling the rumble inside him, and doing it again. Sparks went off all over her body, and she was sure her skin must be twinkling, like the lights of LA that watched them through the window.<\/p>\n

His hands found her hips, lifted her, positioned her so she could feel him, pressed against her entrance. Time stood still, and all that existed was that exquisite feeling of almost. And then he lowered her down, over him, and every nerve centre in her body went off like fireworks. \u201cAngel,\u201d she cried, grabbing his shoulders as he filled her all the way.<\/p>\n

His arms came around her, the room spun, and she was beneath him, on her back on the sofa. Angel loomed over her, his elbows either side of her head, hands touching her face, her lips, her hair. \u201cI love you, Cordy,\u201d he whispered. Something cold and wet splashed on her cheek, and she realised it was a tear. His tear.<\/p>\n

\u201cShhhh.\u201d She reached up, touched his face, smoothed his skin.<\/p>\n

\u201cSorry. I just never thought we\u2019d make it,\u201d he said, blinking.<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, we\u2019ll make it,\u201d she crooned, shifting her hips. His eyes closed, the muscles in his jaw twitched. Just like the kiss, he started gentle, hesitant. The slow drag of skin on heated skin. She reached down, grabbed his ass. \u201cCome on, harder, please.\u201d<\/p>\n

Angel\u2019s mouth closed over her breast, and he drew back, ramming into her, once, twice. Her hips shot up to meet him, legs twining around his thighs, feet rubbing against corded muscle. She reached up, gripped the armrest of the sofa behind her head, hung on. Nothing had ever felt this good. His tongue on her nipple, his fingers on the other, and the wonderful, aching moment when his other hand slid between them, thumb slipping between dark curls to press in the sweetest place of all.<\/p>\n

Little incoherent grunts and moans rose from deep inside him, sweat beaded on his forehead, and she could tell by the way his cock throbbed inside her that it was all he could do to keep it together. That idea of him, on the knife-edge of control, together with the delicious drag of his thumb, sent her orgasm spiralling, unexpected, out of control. His name poured from her lips, over and over, and as her whole body clenched and tingled, he gasped and jerked, and she felt him empty into her.<\/p>\n

For a long moment they lay, twined together, damp, panting. Cordelia closed her eyes, waited for equilibrium to return. When she opened them, he was smiling down at her. It was the most beautiful thing she\u2019d ever seen. \u201cI love you,\u201d she whispered. He leaned in to kiss her, and then — he was gone.<\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

She sat up, gasping, taking in the blurry little room and her comatose self. Dammit, back in hell again. Or wherever this really was.<\/p>\n

Darkness gathered like smoke, on the edge of her vision.<\/p>\n

\u201cOkay, what? Quit following me around and get to the point,\u201d she snapped, turning towards it. The cloaked figure with red eyes, and, for goodness sake, a scythe.<\/p>\n

\u201cDo you know who I am?\u201d The voice was eerie, like wind howling under the eaves of a house. It made her flesh prickle.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou *are* Death, right? Because I\u2019ve been caught out on this point before,\u201d she said, staring into the black depths beneath the hood.<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, I am Death.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThank God, because I\u2019m ready to go. Really. Take me away from this — nothingness, before I go stark raving loony,\u201d she sighed.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re not scared?\u201d Death sounded surprised.<\/p>\n

Cordy shrugged. \u201cNot any more.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDamn, I must be losing my touch.\u201d Death leaned his scythe up against the wall and sat down in the armchair opposite her. The stench of decay rose up around him as his robes swirled and settled.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhere the hell are we?\u201d She waved her hand at the out-of-focus room.<\/p>\n

\u201cAnother dimension, only one degree removed from your own, which is why you can still see it. Limbo,\u201d he replied.<\/p>\n

She frowned. \u201cLike the dance?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, not like the dance,\u201d he said, an edge of exasperation creeping into his tone. \u201cIt\u2019s the place between your world and the next. The place before the afterlife.\u201d<\/p>\n

Made sense. Not really alive, not really dead. Limbo. A bad place to spend the rest of eternity. \u201cOkay then, let\u2019s get this over with,\u201d she said, folding her arms over her chest, a little cold and shivery despite the relief of finally getting what she wanted.<\/p>\n

\u201cNot yet. I have a choice for you.\u201d He made a dramatic sweeping gesture with his hand, stirring up more smell.<\/p>\n

Cordy wrinkled her nose. \u201cWhat is it with you people? Showing up and giving me ultimatums. Because I tell you, the last time? *So* not fair. Led me right into a trap. How do I know you won\u2019t do the same?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m Death.\u201d He sounded a little irritated. \u201cWhat reason would I have to lie?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOkay, go on then.\u201d She rolled her eyes. This had better be good.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou can choose to die, now, and go to your eternal peace, or you can awake from the coma, and resume your life, whatever there may be left of it. Decide.\u201d<\/p>\n

It was Cordelia\u2019s turn to be irritated. No, actually, damn mad. \u201cNow? Jeez, impatient much? How am I supposed to chose something this important with no prior warning?\u201d<\/p>\n

Death sighed, a long-suffering sound. \u201cI gave you plenty of time to consider.\u201d<\/p>\n

What was he on about? He\u2019d only just showed up\u2026 Except he hadn\u2019t. He\u2019d been in every one of her memories, except the sex dream — and how embarrassing would that have been? He\u2019d sent her back to those special moments with Angel, to help her decide.<\/p>\n

She got up, paced across the room. \u201cWhy only Angel memories?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou are connected,\u201d Death replied, in his spooky, whistling voice. \u201cBut they weren\u2019t all memories. Your last experience, for instance.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou saw that?\u201d she gasped. \u201cFreaking pervert!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt is your future. The future for one of the two paths.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhich one?\u201d she demanded. Oh, she was *so* going to chose that one.<\/p>\n

But Death shook his head.<\/p>\n

\u201cOkay, can I ask one thing?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cShoot,\u201d Death replied.<\/p>\n

She blew out a long, shaky breath. Maybe she didn\u2019t want to know this. \u201cWhere would I go, if I died? Would it be hell, because I know I\u2019ve been a bitch in my time, and I gave birth to a demon that nearly took over the world\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

Death made a strange, choking sound, and it was only after a few seconds that Cordelia realised he was laughing. It wasn\u2019t very comforting. \u201cDo you really think, after all you have done for them, that the PTB would send you down there? Did you do everything with good intention in your heart? Look inside, and that\u2019s where you will find your answer.\u201d<\/p>\n

She nodded, relief flooding through her. She was going to heaven. Maybe heaven was whatever you wanted it to be. How else could she be having sex with Rich Angel without fear of the curse?<\/p>\n

Her heart twisted at the thought of Angel. He was still alive — or undead, anyway — back in her own dimension, the blurry world she could see all around her but not be a part of. God knows where the others were. Would he, or any of them want to see her again? There was no way of knowing. She could be alone, penniless, waiting tables in Denny\u2019s, and buying clothes from Penny Saver. Did she deserve that, after all she\u2019d been through?<\/p>\n

\u201cDecide!\u201d Death boomed, standing and reaching for his scythe. \u201cI can\u2019t hang around here all day. I\u2019ve got a fifteen-car pile-up on the Autobahn to attend. I won\u2019t be back.\u201d<\/p>\n

Cordelia closed her eyes, remembered all the things she\u2019d seen and felt, and more. Angel leaping off a balcony with her in his arms, bullets ploughing into his back. Angel holding her hand in hospital. Angel sitting in a room, scratching on the wall, mad and hallucinating. Angel making love to her with tears in his eyes.<\/p>\n

She breathed deep, let the choice come on it\u2019s own, and when it did, it felt right.<\/p>\n

Death nodded, reached out his hand, and pressed it to her forehead, pushing her back towards her body. Wind whirled around her, and something was tugging, sucking her back into that lifeless figure. Darkness fell, and all was silent.<\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

Noise exploded in her ears. A door slamming open, loud beeping, someone running. Her throat hurt, tubes choking her, and her head screamed with pain. Hands grabbed her, rolled her on her side, and she coughed and spat, feeling the tube slide out. She dragged in a painful, burning breath.<\/p>\n

\u201cShe\u2019s coming \u2018round,\u201d someone said.<\/p>\n

\u201cCordy, can you hear me?\u201d Angel. His voice wavering, but unmistakeable.<\/p>\n

She tried to open her eyes, squinted at him. He was blurry, but coming clearer with every blink. And tears streamed down his face. \u201cAngel,\u201d she tried to say, but it just came out as a croak.<\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t. It\u2019s okay. Rest,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

Later, she dozed. After all the doctors had checked her over. After the respirator had been unplugged, and the tubes taken from her nose.<\/p>\n

Angel still sat in the corner, in the chair Death had occupied. He looked shaken. And *really* well dressed. Cordelia may have only been out of a coma for two hours, but she knew Armani when she saw it. She had no idea what was going on, where they were, but there was plenty of time to find out.<\/p>\n

\u201cHey,\u201d she whispered, as loud as she could manage after the tiny sip of water she\u2019d been allowed to drink.<\/p>\n

\u201cHey,\u201d Angel said, coming over to her, linking his fingers with hers, careful to avoid the drip in the back of her hand. \u201cYou came back. I thought I\u2019d lost you.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSo did I.\u201d She turned her face away. Didn\u2019t want him to see her cry.<\/p>\n

Desperation and panic welled up inside her. Oh, God, he had to know; she had to tell him everything, now.<\/p>\n

\u201cI didn\u2019t do it. Didn\u2019t\u2026\u201d She couldn\u2019t say it — didn\u2019t leave you, didn\u2019t fuck your son\u2026 \u201cIt wasn\u2019t me,\u201d she croaked.<\/p>\n

\u201cHey, shhh, it\u2019s okay, I know,\u201d he said, squeezing her hand.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou do?\u201d Her voice was barely audible.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt wasn\u2019t your fault,\u201d he whispered.<\/p>\n

His words dissolved, filtered into understanding, and her heart began to soar, relief flooding through her.<\/p>\n

He didn\u2019t blame her, didn\u2019t hate her. Didn\u2019t doubt her. She\u2019d sacrificed love for the mission, and it cost her soul. Of course, Angel, of all people, understood that. About wrong choices made. About regret. About loss of control. The sob caught in her throat and made her cough.<\/p>\n

He cupped her cheek, turned her face back to his, and kissed her, just like in the dream, soft, barely a whisper on her lips. \u201cDon\u2019t think about that now, it\u2019s over. The important thing is that you\u2019re here. You\u2019re awake. Nobody knows how. Do you remember anything?\u2019 he murmured, forehead resting against hers.<\/p>\n

Cordelia nodded, swallowed hard, found her peace. \u201cI realized I didn\u2019t want to die.”<\/p>\n

Took a deep, shuddering breath, and looked him in the eye. “This time, I chose love.\u201d<\/p>\n

End.<\/b><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Title: Blurry Author: Little Heaven Posted originally: 11\/\/03 Email Rating: NC-17 (for the naked part) Category: Halloween Fic Content: Summary: Mrs O-Town\u2019s Theme:…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-4459","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-completed-fics"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/goteamfiction.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4459","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/goteamfiction.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/goteamfiction.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/goteamfiction.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/goteamfiction.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=4459"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/goteamfiction.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4459\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/goteamfiction.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=4459"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/goteamfiction.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=4459"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/goteamfiction.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=4459"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}

LittleHeaven<\/a><\/b><\/p>\n