Part 6<\/b><\/p>\n
This is nice <\/i>Angel thought. This is really, really nice. But\u2026.<\/i> Angel had never been so conflicted. He\u2019d never been so content and so unsatisfied AT THE SAME TIME.<\/p>\n
On one hand, the situation couldn\u2019t get much better. He was, after all, lying in bed with Cordelia. She was leaning on his shoulder, close enough so that the smell of her hair filled his senses. Then there was the solid weight of Connor, sleeping soundly in Angel\u2019s arms. All that AND Cordelia had consented to watching \u201cRoman Holiday\u201d on AMC.<\/p>\n
On the other hand, the situation could be a lot better. Connor could be in his crib, or better yet, with a babysitter. Instead of Audrey Hepburn\u2019s lilting voice, they could be listening to a little mood music, courtesy of Mister Marvin Gaye. Oh, and Cordy could be naked. That would make this situation infinitely better. <\/i><\/p>\n
But it was what it was. There\u2019s nothing I can do to change it. I just need to except that this is as good as things are going to get. <\/i>After nearly two hours of this, Angel\u2019s disenchantment was growing, overriding the muted pleasure he\u2019d had from the press of Cordy\u2019s breast against his arm. He should be enjoying this\u2026but it\u2019s not enough. <\/i><\/p>\n
Cordy gasped and clutched at Angel\u2019s hand as they watched a stoic Gregory Peck say goodbye to the princess he\u2019d fallen in love with. Angel felt his pain. I\u2019ve certainly been there and done that. It sucks. But whatcha gonna do? <\/i><\/p>\n
It\u2019s not like Angel wanted to be Gregory Peck this time. It\u2019s not like he wanted to walk away from love, from a chance at happiness. AGAIN. But what other choice do I have? Cordelia wants a life, she deserves a life, that I can\u2019t give her. She\u2019s already sacrificed so much for me. I can\u2019t ask her to give up more. Plus, there\u2019s that whole part where she might not even like me like that. <\/i><\/p>\n
The screen faded to black and Angel turned to Cordelia, just in time to catch her quickly wipe at her eyes. And she told me \u201cRudy\u201d was the only movie that made her cry. <\/i>Angel decided to take the higher ground and not comment on her tears.<\/p>\n
\u201cSo you were right,\u201d she said after a minute. Her voice still sounded a tad sniffly to Angel\u2019s sensitive ears. \u201cIt was a really good movie.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI knew you would like it,\u201d Angel told her. \u201cAnd you wanted to watch that Pajama Jammy-Jam on MTV.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHello, I already said you were right,\u201d she sat up so she wasn\u2019t leaning on him. \u201cThat guy?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cGregory Peck,\u201d Angel filled in.<\/p>\n
\u201cYeah. He was actually pretty cute. The two of them looked so good together. I don\u2019t get it.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat don\u2019t you get?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI mean, couldn\u2019t they have found some way to be together? I, I don\u2019t understand.\u201d<\/p>\n
Angel sighed. \u201cCordy, they were two very different people\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWho made each other happy,\u201d she interjected. \u201cHer face, when she looked at him, you could tell she\u2026I don\u2019t care how different they were. They were meant to be together. That\u2019s so obvious.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cShe put what was right before her own personal happiness. It was noble of her,\u201d Angel defended.<\/p>\n
Cordelia snorted. \u201cIt was stupid. What\u2019s more right than following your heart?\u201d She looked down at the sleeping baby on his chest and then back up at him. \u201cIf there\u2019s one thing in this world worth fighting for Angel, it\u2019s love.\u201d<\/p>\n
He didn\u2019t know exactly what to say. Cordy had never really been asked to fight for love. It\u2019s not as easy as it sounds. There\u2019s the fear\u2014that\u2019s inherent when you\u2019re offering yourself to someone. Making yourself vulnerable like that. Risking it all. Then there\u2019s more fear. And self-doubt. And did I mention the crippling fear? <\/i><\/p>\n
At least Gregory Peck knew how Audrey Hepburn felt about him. Try fighting for love when you have no idea if the woman loves you back. <\/i><\/p>\n
But Angel liked that Cordelia really believed that, that even with all her bad luck in the romance department, she felt like love was worth the risk. Maybe she\u2019s right. Maybe not trying and not knowing is worse than the rejection. Maybe now\u2019s the time to finally do something. <\/i><\/p>\n
Angel\u2019s hand rubbed down Connor\u2019s back as he tried to gather his courage.<\/p>\n
\u201cCordelia?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes?\u201d She must have sensed something in his tone because her voice suddenly got lower.<\/p>\n
BRRRING!<\/p>\n
The noise shocked them both. It seemed to echo off the walls of Angel\u2019s bedroom. Cordy was off the bed like a rocket, determined to answer her cell phone before it woke Connor up. Angel exhaled slowly. Maybe now\u2019s not the time. <\/i>He reached for the remote and turned the TV off, moving as little as possible so as to not wake the baby.<\/p>\n
\u201cHello?\u201d Cordy said into the phone, moving toward the other side of the room. \u201cWhat? Oh hey Marissa. I can barely hear you.\u201d Cordy looked over at Angel on the bed. She raised one finger, indicating she would just be a minute. He nodded. It didn\u2019t really matter anymore. That phone call was a sign. <\/i><\/p>\n
\u201cNo Marissa, I can\u2019t talk louder. Well because the baby\u2019s sleeping and Angel will kill me if he wakes up again.\u201d She smiled widely at him. Angel didn\u2019t contradict her.<\/p>\n
\u201cShut up. I do not sound like a housewife,\u201d Cordy complained. Angel ignored the sweet surge he got when he heard that.<\/p>\n
\u201cYeah, I looked for you before I left. When? A little before midnight.\u201d Cordy paused for a moment to listen. She was making a strange motion with her hand. It looked like it was supposed to be a quacking duck.<\/p>\n
She wants to play shadow puppets? Oh, wait, I get it, she\u2019s saying her friend talks a lot. See. I\u2019m not a social retard. Little slow on the pick up, but I always get it in the end. <\/i><\/p>\n
\u201cSo what does he do?\u201d Cordy asked her friend. \u201cReally? For Paramount? Wow. Speaks four languages? His own plane? Geez.\u201d<\/p>\n
Over the drone of Cordy\u2019s one-sided conversation and the gentle hum of Connor\u2019s breathing, Angel\u2019s vampiric hearing picked something else up. It was Lorne, coming up the hotel stairs and humming. I know that song. It\u2019s the one about being dirty. It\u2019s by that girl, the one Gunn likes, who always looks so\u2026dirty. <\/i><\/p>\n
\u201cThree cases of Dom Perignon? And four cases of Crystal? Wow,\u201d Cordy was still talking. \u201cYeah, I\u2019m sorry I missed that. Oh he was there? Of course I think he\u2019s hot\u2014those brown eyes of his make me quiver. Did you? God it seems like ages since I\u2019ve even been alone with a guy.\u201d<\/p>\n
Suddenly Angel got an idea. Even if coming over had been her choice, Angel wanted a chance to make it up to her. Now I might not have a plane. But if Cordelia wants to be alone with a guy who speaks four languages and has brown eyes\u2014I\u2019m her man. Minus the plane. <\/i>There wasn\u2019t much Angel could give Cordelia. But he could give her this.<\/p>\n
He shifted the baby to his left side, picked up the collapsible crib from where it rested against the wall and headed for the door.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhere are you going?\u201d Cordy whispered, her hand over the phone\u2019s mouthpiece. \u201cI\u2019ll be off in a sec.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019ll be right back,\u201d Angel told her as he shut the door behind him. He walked quickly down the hall to Lorne\u2019s room. Since his hands were full, he knocked his forehead twice against the door. It took Lorne a long time to open it.<\/p>\n
\u201cAngel. Light of my life. Apple of my eye. Cream in my coffee. Fuzz on my peach.\u201d<\/p>\n
Angel wasn\u2019t sure why, but that last one sounded dirty.<\/p>\n
\u201cHey Lorne, can I come in?\u201d he asked, already stepping through the threshold.<\/p>\n
\u201cBut of course,\u201d the demon said, stepping to the side.<\/p>\n
\u201cSo how was your night?\u201d Angel politely asked, eyeing Lorne carefully. His hair was ruffled and his eyes were pretty glassy, but other than that, he didn\u2019t look any worse for the wear.<\/p>\n
\u201cWell I somehow ended up with a Neelock demon\u2019s panties. How do you think my night went?\u201d Lorne nearly doubled over in laughter. \u201cBut I\u2019m sure you\u2019re not here for naughty stories. What can I do for you?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cListen.\u201d Angel silently debated what he was about to do. Sure Lorne\u2019s drunk. But he\u2019s not \u201cfalling down drunk.\u201d <\/i>\u201cI was wondering\u2026could you watch Connor? He\u2019s down and he should be out for a while. I have\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n
Lorne cut him off. \u201cA-ha! I thought I heard someone of the female persuasion inside Casa De Angel. Finally putting that permanent soul to use, are we?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cLook Lorne, will you do it or not?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSure, why not,\u201d he agreed, taking the crib from Angel and setting it up. \u201cI\u2019m just glad you\u2019re finally getting some action. To tell you the truth crumbcake, I figured you\u2019d be too busy mooning over your Seer to go out and meet anyone new.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHow\u2019d you\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOh please,\u201d Lorne huffed. \u201cIt was more obvious than the homoeroticism on \u2018Smallville.\u2019 Anyhoo, I just thought you\u2019d spend a lot more time doing the dance of the unrequited for the lovely Cordelia. So,\u201d Lorne asked, reaching for the sleeping Connor, \u201cwho is the mystery woman? Do I know her?\u201d<\/p>\n
Angel smiled. \u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
Lorne\u2019s eyes went wide. \u201cReally? That client from Beverly Hills, the blonde one?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNope.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWait, don\u2019t tell me, the girl from the coffee place?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWrong again.\u201d<\/p>\n
Lorne thought for a minute. \u201cIt\u2019s not that skinny waitress who used to work at Caritas is it? Cause I should warn you, I spent some \u2018time\u2019 with her once and the next morning I was itching EVERYWHERE and I wouldn\u2019t wish that on anyone and\u2026wait a second. It\u2019s not\u2026I mean, it couldn\u2019t be\u2026Cordelia?\u201d<\/p>\n
Angel didn\u2019t say anything, but the wide smile that spread across his face told Lorne he was right. The Pylean just stood there, blinking.<\/p>\n
\u201cWell why the hell are you just standing around in here?\u201d Lorne exclaimed, slapping Angel on the back of the head with his baby-free hand. \u201cWhat, you\u2019d rather play \u2018Twenty Questions\u2019 with me when you and Cordy could be making beautiful music together? Go. Now.\u201d<\/p>\n
Angel turned to leave.<\/p>\n
\u201cWait. Stop.\u201d Lorne put the baby in the crib and grabbed the unopened bottle of champagne on his dresser. \u201cHere,\u201d he said, presenting it to Angel. \u201cIt\u2019s chilled, I brought it back with me. I was saving this for morning\u2014you know, a little hair of the dog to fight the hangover? But you need this much more than I do. And glasses, you need glasses\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
Lorne went over to the pile of boxes by the window. He rummaged for a moment, and returned with two gleaming champagne glasses. \u201cI rescued these babies from my burned-out shell of a club. Enjoy.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2026Thanks Lorne.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo problem Powder-Puff,\u201d Lorne said, pushing Angel out into the hall. \u201cOh and Angel-heart? For God\u2019s sake, try to be cool.\u201d<\/p>\n
Be cool. Be cool. Be cool <\/i>Angel chanted as he strode purposefully back to his room. Cordy wanted to spend the evening with some suave super-stud. That means no stuttering. No getting caught staring. No, absolutely no, drooling. <\/i><\/p>\n
When Angel walked back in, Cordelia was over by the window, looking down at the street below. She turned when she heard him.<\/p>\n
\u201cAngel, where\u2019d you\u2014Woah. What is that?\u201d she asked, gesturing to the bottle in his hand.<\/p>\n
He shrugged. \u201cExactly what it looks like. You, uh, yesterday you said you wanted a guy to surprise you with champagne and strawberries.\u201d Didn\u2019t I just say NO STUTTERING. <\/i><\/p>\n
Cordy looked at him quizzically. \u201cWhere\u2019s Connor?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWith Lorne,\u201d Angel said simply, putting the glasses down and setting to work opening the bottle. The cork didn\u2019t fly too far and Angel managed to fill the glasses without making too much of a mess. Yeah that\u2019s right. That was coolness personified. I\u2019m Joe Cool. I\u2019m James Fucking Bond. <\/i><\/p>\n
Smiling now, Cordy moved to sit back down on the bed. \u201cYou know, I never figured you for a champagne and strawberries kind of guy.\u201d<\/p>\n
Angel handed her the glass. \u201cActually, no strawberries. And I can\u2019t vouch for the champagne either\u2014it\u2019s Lorne\u2019s. Best I could do at the last minute.\u201d<\/p>\n
Cordelia waved off his apology. \u201cStrawberries are out of season anyway.\u201d Angel walked around the bed and sat down gingerly on the other side.<\/p>\n
He turned to her and raised his glass. \u201cCheers.\u201d<\/p>\n
Cordy flashed on of those huge, blindingly bright smiles. \u201cCheers.\u201d They both took a small sip.<\/p>\n
Angel made a face. \u201cNot exactly Dom Perignon, is it?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI think it\u2019s nice,\u201d she told him, taking another sip. \u201cBut why\u2014not that I don\u2019t appreciate it\u2014but why do all this?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t know.\u201d Because I love you. I\u2019m doing this because I love you, you silly stupid girl. <\/i>Angel put his glass on the nightstand before he had a chance to spill it all over himself. \u201cWe both know you could be at that party right now. You should be there. But you\u2019re not. You gave that up and\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAngel, I\u2026I wasn\u2019t having that much fun at the party.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m sorry,\u201d Angel told her. He meant it. More than anything, he just wanted Cordelia happy. Even if her happiness often seemed to directly conflict with his. \u201cI\u2019m sorry this night didn\u2019t go the way you wanted.\u201d<\/p>\n
Cordy chuckled softly to herself and took a sip of champagne. He could see her swirl the liquid around in her mouth, before finally swallowing.<\/p>\n
\u201cThe weird thing is, Angel, I think it did. End the way I wanted, I mean.\u201d There was a TING as she put the glass down on the nightstand next to her. She turned to him, not surprised to find him staring at her intently.<\/p>\n
\u201cMaybe it\u2019s the champagne talking,\u201d she said, catching the disbelieving look Angel shot her. \u201cOkay, okay, maybe it\u2019s the 3 Sour Apple Martinis from earlier AND the champagne talking. But that party tonight, it wasn\u2019t what I wanted.\u201d Cordelia paused and the mask of confidence seemed to slip just a little.<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t think that life is what I want,\u201d she confided, sounding slightly upset. She turned back to the nightstand but she didn\u2019t pick up the champagne. She just ran her finger in lazy circles around the rim of the glass. \u201cIt\u2019s like, like somewhere, when I wasn\u2019t paying attention, everything just\u2026changed. Does that make any sense at all?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSure.\u201d It made perfect sense to Angel. I could write a book on what it feels like to have your dreams change without you even noticing. Okay, maybe not an entire book. But a damn good article. Something for \u201cThe New Yorker\u201d maybe? About a guy who\u2019s too busy saving the world to notice that he\u2019s falling in love with his best friend. <\/i><\/p>\n
Cordy cleared her throat. \u201cLately I\u2019ve been coming to these conclusions, and they were\u2026I don\u2019t know.\u201d She ran both hands through her hair in frustration. \u201cThey were scary. And I wasn\u2019t sure. But tonight, it just got\u2026clear.\u201d She paused. \u201cHow \u2018bout that? Did that make sense?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYeah.\u201d Cordelia gave him a disbelieving look. \u201cOkay, no, not really.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAs much as I hate to admit it, I don\u2019t want my own TV show, or a Golden Globe,\u201d she told him. \u201cDespite the fact that the visions are causing premature aging and you pay me slave wages, I want to help people Angel. I like knowing that I make a difference. You and I, and Wes and Gunn and Fred, all of us, what we do matters.\u201d<\/p>\n
Her rant was really picking up speed now. \u201cSo I don\u2019t want fame and public adoration. And I don\u2019t want caviar and canap\u00e9s. I don\u2019t even like caviar. I like Gunn\u2019s Strawberry Pop-Tarts. I like Taco-Bell runs with Fred. I like high-fat omelets with tons of extra cheese.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd, Angel, tonight I\u2026\u201d she started and then seemed to hesitate. It was odd to see her like this. Cordelia was rarely hesitant. \u201cTonight I didn\u2019t want Dom Perignon or small talk or sleazy producers copping cheap feels.\u201d Her eyes flicked anxiously around the room before finally settling back on him. \u201cI wanted Dick Clark on TV, and, and baby snuggles, and\u2026you.”<\/p>\n
\u201cMe?\u201d Angel squeaked.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou. This,\u201d she gestured to both of them. \u201cUs.\u201d<\/p>\n
Cordelia looked nervous. Looking at her, perched next to him on the bed, all Angel could think was how unsure and young she seemed. It was a rare reminder that Cordy was not yet 21, that there was still some girl inside the woman. He didn\u2019t get those often.<\/p>\n
Angel was struck by her innocence. She shouldn\u2019t look innocent, not after all she\u2019d seen and been through. Certainly not in the outfit she was wearing. But with her bare feet tucked under her, the fancy dress hitched up over her knees, and most of the polish and shine rubbed off, Cordelia was a picture of artless purity.<\/p>\n
\u201cSo\u2026you see, this night, it did go the way I wanted. I am where I want to be.\u201d Cordy started twisting and untwisting a lock of hair. Finally, finally she looked at him. Her eyes were afraid, but unflinching. She breathed in deeply, like she was gathering courage. \u201cThe only question is, are you?<\/p>\n
Angel froze. He\u2019d dreamed of this. Wished for it innumerable times. But he\u2019d never expected it. And he had absolutely no idea how to react. What\u2019s the protocol for dying of happiness? <\/i><\/p>\n
Because right then, in that moment, Angel was happier than he\u2019d ever been. This was happening. This was Cordelia. Beautiful brilliant Cordelia, sitting on his bed and telling him that was where she wanted to be, along with everything that implied.<\/p>\n
Beautiful brilliant Cordelia who was still waiting for his answer. What do I do? What do I say? Calm down. Take it slow. <\/i>Slow was good. He didn\u2019t want to rush this. He wanted this moment to be perfect. He didn\u2019t want to ruin this.<\/p>\n
Angel reached out, taking her trembling hand out of the knot she was twisting in her hair and clasping it between both of his. He couldn\u2019t help but glance down at their joined hands. Her skin kissed by the sun, his glazed in moonlight. The light throb of life through her fingers, warming the borrowed blood in his. Their hands were so different.<\/p>\n
They were so different. It shouldn\u2019t work but it did. It should feel strange, but all it felt was right. Angel held Cordelia\u2019s hand in his and something inside of him shifted. Nerves, fear, worry\u2026it all faded. This was happening and this was good and this was right.<\/p>\n
\u201cAngel?\u201d she said, and he heard the hitch in her voice. Angel wanted to laugh. Cordy knew him better than anyone. She could read him like a book. Except when it came this. Them. He wanted to laugh, but he wouldn\u2019t. There would be time for laughing later. \u201cAre you where you want to be?\u201d she asked again.<\/p>\n
He looked up from their hands. \u201cNo,\u201d he said simply.<\/p>\n
Cordelia\u2019s breath caught. She started blinking rapidly, forcing her mouth into a tiny, tight smile. She tried to tug her hand back, but Angel kept it in the firm grip of his left hand. With his right, he took both of Cordy\u2019s ankles and slid her legs out from under her. Then slowly, so slowly, he pressed down on her shoulder, so she was lying on her back. It was only then he let go of her hand.<\/p>\n
He looked down at her and she looked up at him, her eyes glassy and confused. They went wide when Angel suddenly moved, sliding over so he was on top of Cordelia. He kept most of his weight off, balancing on his hands, so their bodies barely touched, his brushing like a kiss over hers.<\/p>\n
\u201cI wanted it to be more like this,\u201d Angel told Cordelia smugly. Then he leaned up farther so he could watch her face when it sunk in, when she realized what his words meant. It was a beautiful thing.<\/p>\n
She exhaled harshly, in pure relief. Her eyes scrunched closed and Angel only watched, intently, as one tear escaped and rolled onto her cheekbone. Color that had drained out of her face rushed back in. And then her eyes were fluttering open and they were shining and it was for him and all he could do was watch.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2026\u201d Cordy started and then she stopped. She shook her head and looked pained, like she couldn\u2019t believe that she, Cordelia Chase, was flubbing the most important lines of her life. \u201cI\u2026you\u2026\u201d Her brow furrowed, her annoyance with herself apparent.<\/p>\n
Angel grinned. \u201cWere you expecting someone else?\u201d he said, the way she had earlier. Cordelia let one broken laugh escape. Angel, balancing on one hand, used the other to wipe at the tear with the pad of his thumb.<\/p>\n
\u201cAngel,\u201d she attempted again, but got no further.<\/p>\n
\u201cShhhhh,\u201d he soothed. \u201cI know,\u201d he told her.<\/p>\n
Cordy saw that yes, he did know, and only then did she smile, entrancing as it always was, but this time, so much more. She was laying herself bare for him. Her tongue darted out to wet her lips and Angel saw something mischievious spark in her eyes.<\/p>\n
\u201cThey say how you spend New Year\u2019s Eve determines the next 365 days of your life,\u201d she kidded.<\/p>\n
\u201cI have heard that.\u201d Angel nodded thoughtfully, pretending to consider her words. He glanced over at the red illuminated numbers on the clock. \u201cBut it\u2019s 12:30. It\u2019s not New Year\u2019s Eve anymore,\u201d he pointed out.<\/p>\n
\u201cAngel,\u201d she pouted.<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, better late than never I guess,\u201d he mumbled as he leaned down and kissed her.<\/p>\n