***<\/p>\n
I\u2019m an idiot.<\/p>\n
~With you there Sully.~<\/em><\/p>\n I can\u2019t believe I snapped at Cordy that way. And what frightened me the most was that she hadn\u2019t snapped back. She\u2019d looked like I\u2019d slapped her and instead of screaming at me and calling me an ingrate or a dork, she\u2019d left. It was indication enough that she was hurt.<\/p>\n First Buffy, now Cordy. I was a regular asshole with women these days.<\/p>\n ~With you there too.~<\/em><\/p>\n I stood in front of the door to her apartment and scratched my temple. All through the underground walk to her apartment I\u2019d been thinking of all the things I\u2019d say to her to make her forgive me. Falling on my knees was a desperate option.<\/p>\n Hell I was ready to grovel, but now as I stood there in front of the door I only felt like the bigger fool Angelus was always calling me.<\/p>\n ~About time.~<\/em><\/p>\n She should know I\u2019d never hurt her. But I had. She should know she\u2019s not just my secretary, but that\u2019s exactly what I\u2019d called her. I was still contemplating my options and feeling like the heel I must look like slumped there in front of her door, when the soft cold breeze drifted around me.<\/p>\n \u201cDennis? Open the door.\u201d<\/p>\n Instantly the breeze was gone.<\/p>\n Rolling my eyes I grabbed the door handle and tried to push open the door, but it slammed back in place. I glared at the wood. \u201cDennis. Open the damned door. I\u2019m sorry I was an asshole to her, but I\u2019m here to make it better. Now let me in.\u201d<\/p>\n When neither the door nor the ghost budged I sighed. \u201cLook Dennis, do you want her to keep feeling bad about this, because I know she is? Let me get in there and make it better. I\u2019ll make it better; promise.\u201d<\/p>\n What the hell was that? A word of a vampire, but the ghost must have believed me because the door slid open with a soft creak and I smiled slightly before ducking inside. \u201cThanks.\u201d<\/p>\n I looked around the small apartment and frowned. Hurricane Cordy had really been in a bad mood. A trail of clothes lead straight to the bathroom door that was slightly ajar. Following the path I scooped up, first the knee length gray skirt, the stockings, the blouse, the bra and then the panties.<\/p>\n Of course by the time I\u2019d reached the last article of clothing I had forgotten why I was there. Instead I stood there like a blithering idiot staring down at the emerald green lace.<\/p>\n Lace. Cordelia Chase wears lace. Of course Cordelia Chase wouldn\u2019t be caught dead in anything besides the best, but what\u2019s a vampire to do holding his best friends frillies when they smell like cherries?<\/p>\n Oh shit.<\/p>\n My feet had carried me to the bathroom, my thumb tracing over the soft material and my eyes peeked through the slightly ajar door to spot my seer.<\/p>\n And if I\u2019d been alive and kicking, I\u2019d have died. Again.<\/p>\n Because there she sat, immersed in bubbles up to her neck, a tub of ice-cream and a spoon dangling in her hands, and black tears running down her soft coppery cheeks.<\/p>\n The clothes slid from my fingers, the insane need to protect, soothe and coddle filling every pore in my dead body and for once my demon didn\u2019t scream at me or call me a wuss. As chatty as Cordelia was and behind the brave sunny exterior, she was still a young woman.<\/p>\n A woman who\u2019d lost enough in her life already. She didn\u2019t need this kind of shit from a man like me.<\/p>\n She deserved better and for once I wondered if she was better off. If I should just leave her, she\u2019d find her way without me. Only I knew she wouldn\u2019t. Young and inexperienced that she was, the day I\u2019d found her had been the day I\u2019d found purpose.<\/p>\n And though I believed in karma and the entire PTB shit, I knew there was a reason she\u2019d fallen into my arms that day. And I\u2019d be damned if I let her get away from me.<\/p>\n Before she could notice the prying eyes or the sound of clothes hitting floor, I had pushed the door open and crouched by the side of the bathtub.<\/p>\n Liquid eyes snapped up from the ice-cream tub and stared up at me in alarm, the hazel sparkling like glittering amber in the candle lit bathroom. \u201cAngel?\u201d<\/p>\n I almost smiled at the incredulous tone in her voice. \u201cWho else?\u201d<\/p>\n Then the amber caught fire and the line of her jaw hardened. \u201cGet out.\u201d<\/p>\n I blinked a little startled at the sharp crack of her words. \u201cNo.\u201d I shook my head as I sat back on my heels and watched her.<\/p>\n \u201cGet the hell out Angel.\u201d She leaned over and placed the tub of ice-cream on the floor and fixed the icy fire of her eyes on me with venom. \u201cI had a very sexy image of Jude Law in my head. I don\u2019t want to see you right now.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo, I\u2019m not leaving until I\u2019m done Cordy.\u201d I reached out to try and wipe the black wake of her tears a part of me wrenching with guilt for putting them there.<\/p>\n Jerking away from my touch like it burnt, she sent a wave of water out of the tub, soaking the soles of my boots and coattails.<\/p>\n \u201cDone!\u201d She snapped, almost rising out of the tub before she realized she was stark naked under the bubbles and settled back against the ceramic, as far away from me as she could.<\/p>\n \u201cYOU have done enough you egotistical little eunuch! What more do you want! Your ex wandering into the office, unannounced mind you; and I try, no, I STRIVE to make it easier for all of us. Giving you privacy and understanding and YOU! You berate me in front of Buffy! I can SO hear her going off to her little posse and telling them, \u2018oh look, Cordy\u2019s finally where she deserves to be, a maid in waiting to a love-struck selfish vampire!\u2019 HER love-struck selfish vampire.\u201d<\/p>\n I flinched at the well-placed, honest hurt flashing in her eyes and fought for words. \u201cI didn\u2019t mean it. I\u2019m apologizing.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWell tough noogie Angel!\u201d There was a slosh of water and her arms crossed across her chest, covered with foamy bubbles as she glared up at me. \u201cTomorrow I suggest you look for a new secretary while you make my final paycheck, because I\u2019m so out of there. I\u2019m through with fetching for you buddy.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cChrist Cordelia, I\u2019m sorry! You\u2019re not just my secretary and you\u2019re not there to just handle invoices and fetch for me or Doyle. You know that. You caught me at a bad time.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cLife is FILLED with bad times Angel.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI was angry with Buffy, not you!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWell then your aim is slightly off bigman. I\u2019m not whiny, blonde or intellectually sterile.\u201d<\/p>\n ~HAH! SEE!~<\/em><\/p>\n Why the hell doesn\u2019t anyone ever believe me the first time around dammit? How many times do I have to apologize! \u201cI won\u2019t do it again.\u201d<\/p>\n She stared at me. \u201cWhat are you; five?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI promise Cordelia.\u201d I looked her straight in the face. \u201cYou\u2019re never going to have to question your importance in my life. Ever.\u201d<\/p>\n Her arms slid away from her chest and she sunk lower into the bubbles with a frown.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ll make this better.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou can\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI will Cordy.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cConceited bastard.\u201d<\/p>\n I watched the fading tears and reached out a hand to try again. This time the pad of my thumb smoothed the smoky lines and she didn\u2019t pull away. \u201cYou want groveling?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo.\u201d She shook her head slowly, not meeting my eyes still. It unsettled me. \u201cYou know how they do it right?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhat, groveling?\u201d I smiled slightly.<\/p>\n She glared at me. \u201cNo. Apologizing. I don\u2019t care whose fault this was; even though it\u2019s rather obvious.\u201d She rolled her eyes. \u201cYou\u2019re the man. Be the man. I\u2019m just going to sit here like a woman and act all difficult and weepy.\u201d<\/p>\n I hid a smile. \u201cI thought you were all for equality with men.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThat was before I met you.\u201d She stared into the depth of my eyes and the emotion there shook me to my bones. \u201cEver since you\u2019ve made me believe that I don\u2019t need to do everything, I haven\u2019t stopped being a woman.\u201d<\/p>\n I could feel the softening of my muscles, and every instinct told me to crawl inside the damned bath tub and wrap my arms around her and never let her go.<\/p>\n \u201cYou know what you did?\u201d I shook my head and she continued. \u201cYou made me weak.\u201d I raised a hand to touch her and I she batted it away. I winced slightly.<\/p>\n \u201cYOU made me a woman. YOU made me soft and feminine and YOU told me it is okay to let you take care of me; that I don\u2019t have to be the Rock of Gibraltar. YOU said you\u2019d be my Rock of Gibraltar.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYes, I did.\u201d How the hell did she do that? Go from snaky to soft and feminine in the same minute?<\/p>\n \u201cThen how the hell could you do that to me? In front of her! You know she doesn\u2019t think very highly of me considering I\u2019m employed and she\u2019s getting quality education.\u201d She looked away and I couldn\u2019t hold it this time.<\/p>\n Leaning closer I ran a hand over the crown of her head and she glared up at me through watery eyes. \u201cYou were the only one who never made me cry Angel. Until now.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI feel like pond scum.\u201d<\/p>\n She looked up with resolve. \u201cLower.\u201d<\/p>\n I grinned slightly and this time she didn\u2019t pull away as my fingers grazed her jaw tenderly. \u201cHow about I be your little kick puppy until you forgive me?\u201d<\/p>\n She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and frowned. \u201cYeah I suppose having you be my kick puppy for two or three years ought to be enough for considering forgiving you.\u201d<\/p>\n And right there with the smell of cherries wafting out of the scented water and the telltale smile on my secretary\u2019s face I realize where I am.<\/p>\n After months of aggravation and insecurities I’m right back where I started. I told myself after Buffy, I would never put myself up for the fall. Never again. I thought I could fool myself into being impersonal.<\/p>\n It makes it so much easier without the farce of trying to love and express love when no one believes you\u2019re really capable of it. Vampire with soul is only the beginning. I felt so damned ironic. I know it\u2019s not really a state of being, but I felt it.<\/p>\n Like my last cigarette and one damned match left in the matchbox. And let me tell you, it feels nauseating to fall short of something you promised you’d never do again.<\/p>\n But here I was, watching her smile up at me with a mix of timid little girl and brazen young woman. And I realized I’d done the unspeakable.<\/p>\n I’d admitted it to myself that I could fall for this beautiful, young, fiercely stubborn woman.<\/p>\n Don\u2019t get me wrong. It\u2019s not misplaced or a fucking rebound. Cordelia\u2019s not Buffy or anything like her. It’s just a fact. And I’ve accepted it.<\/p>\n She makes me feel almost human. Less than a vampire, demon or bloodsucker. Almost like a man begging forgiveness of a woman. No what-ifs or dangling catastrophes or fatal attractions. Just comfortable companionship that could blossom into something a vampire can never be ready for.<\/p>\n Forever.<\/p>\n In that tiny perfumed bathroom, I feel sated and innocent. It\u2019s a feeling I haven\u2019t had in awhile. In a century maybe.<\/p>\n She makes me wish I were a child just so I could read the emotion in her eyes. I wish I was a mystic and I could look into her heart. Her endless snarks weren’t enough to convince me anymore. I knew how to play with words.<\/p>\n And this time I didn’t know how to tell her that I could definitely fall for her. I could fall so deep.<\/p>\n I guess that’s what scares the living shit out of me. She is exactly what I need. If I stood at the brink of the building waiting and wanting to jump off, she’d take my hand and jump with me. If I wanted to close my eyes and let the darkness swallow me alive she would be there right next to me, her hand holding mine and ready to descend with me in the darkness.<\/p>\n If I wanted to make a complete fool of myself in front of hundreds of people she was would be right there next to me while I did it. She\u2019d probably help me.<\/p>\n If I wanted to breathe I know she’d breathe for me.<\/p>\n It was that simple.<\/p>\n All I thought and did somehow affected her suddenly. And I knew it now. Everything she did was mine in the end. She swallowed me whole with her wide smiles and those hands on my arm, and the fingers bandaging my cuts and bruises. I wasn\u2019t used to this closeness.<\/p>\n Not the kind of intimacy that stretched and spanned a lifetime. I hadn\u2019t had anyone depend on me for so much. I was used to being the vampire, the muscle. The shadows. And this woman consistently dragged me into the sun; a little at a time \u2013<\/p>\n until I was burning from the inside and standing there in the middle of the damned morning grinning up at the sun like a moth to a flame.<\/p>\n And it scared me. The simplicity with which she accepted me was scary and I was becoming edgy. I could fall for her.<\/p>\n I could fall for her and never hit bottom and this time it was deep enough to drown me.<\/p>\n Hazel eyes blinked with confusion when I didn\u2019t speak, but watched her \u2013 a torrent of emotions flooding my usually apathetic features and she shifted, instinctively moving closer, to look at me closely.<\/p>\n Peering up into my face, I watched the pupils of her eyes dart fitfully over my face and then back to my eyes. \u201cAngel?\u201d<\/p>\n I didn\u2019t trust myself to speak. I might do something stupid. Like tell her.<\/p>\n One soft hand cupped my cheek and I nuzzled into it. \u201cSweetie, are you crying?\u201d<\/p>\n And just like that my shoulders were shaking, my lips pressing into a thin line and I was laughing. Head thrown back, roaring with laughter and hugging her.<\/p>\n Wet and squealing, I had her trapped in my arms, the edge of the bathtub digging into my ribs, the bubbles dotting my nice coat and soaking the front of my clothes with cherry scented bath water.<\/p>\n Burying my face into her soggy hair I muffled my laughter.<\/p>\n \u201cChrist Cordelia. What the hell would I do without you?\u201d<\/p>\n When she tried to draw away from me, I allowed her enough to peek up into my face, her lips smiling and her eyes happier, even when they were rimmed with leaky mascara. \u201cOh I don\u2019t know Broody, do something stupid? Like wear stripes. You do know stripes make you look fat?\u201d<\/p>\n I smirked down at her, stifling the urge to kiss her, before I allowed my eyes to drop to the succulent swell of her partially exposed breasts. \u201cNice Bubbles.\u201d The breasts were definitely nice!<\/p>\n Wrinkling her nose prettily, she looked down at her breasts peeking from the froth and shrieked jerking out of my arms and back into the water, her arms wrapped across her front. \u201cIdiot! Dork! Pervert! Out!\u201d<\/p>\n Leaning over with a leer that would have done my demon proud I held her gaze until she was silently staring up into my eyes the hazel of her eyes melting into sinful toffee.<\/p>\n \u201cFinish your bath then come back to work, baby. I\u2019m lost without you.\u201d<\/p>\n The soft smile tugging at her lips was melting as was the warmth in her eyes and I felt slightly more secure that I wasn\u2019t the only one falling. \u201cYou are?\u201d<\/p>\n I kissed her wet forehead, my tongue unconsciously coming out to lick the Cordelia tasting water on my lips before I stood. \u201cYeah. Who\u2019s going to misfile my invoices?\u201d I winked at the wide gape of her mouth and walked out of the bathroom.<\/p>\n \u201cANGEEEEEEEEEEELLL!!!!!!!!! Angel, get back in here so I can kill you! ANGEL?\u201d<\/p>\n I remembered an old song.<\/p>\n \u2018Remember, when falling; when you’re falling; and someone catches you; <\/i><\/p>\n then together you might just be able to fly.\u2019<\/i><\/p>\n End.<\/b><\/p>\n