Part 4<\/b><\/p>\n
Alcohol was very much needed when Cordelia stepped into Angel\u2019s office for the second time in two months.<\/p>\n
She\u2019d forgotten all about his compliments earlier, her store of \u2018Still a Hotty\u2019 having been used up and discarded in the face of the last five minutes.<\/p>\n
Buffy was back. Or had been back. And though she hadn\u2019t exactly made a lasting good impression on Fred, Cordelia knew it was only a matter of time before the Buffy and Angel show kicked in and she really wasn\u2019t ready for that.<\/p>\n
\u201cSo, what did you wanna talk about?\u201d She asked, airily, deciding that if this was the moment that Angel attempted telling her that he was giving up Wolfram and Hart to go be with Buffy, she\u2019d poke that katana on his wall in a place that wasn\u2019t destined to be comfortable any time soon.<\/p>\n
He looked caught off guard by her bluntness. She wasn\u2019t exactly a stranger to that. God, no. She\u2019d just thought that if she got this over with, it wouldn\u2019t be so painful. Like pulling off a band-aid maybe. Do it quick and it just stung for a moment, do it slow and Jesus, did it hurt.<\/p>\n
\u201cBuffy?\u201d She was amazed her voice hadn\u2019t cut out on her at that.<\/p>\n
He looked confused, \u201cBuffy?\u201d<\/p>\n
Cordelia frowned. Him playing dense manpire was not exactly helping right now. \u201cYou remember Buffy,\u201d she said, \u201cSlay-Gal Extraordinaire, all swooping in to do the saving of Angel.\u201d<\/p>\n
It was bad enough that Buffy had come back. But to learn that Buffy had come back, saved Angel from a psycho Slayer and quite possibly done Cordelia\u2019s job of patching him up was like the ultimate betrayal.<\/p>\n
Could he just tell her that he was riding off into the proverbial sunset with her and do it now please?<\/p>\n
\u201cShe saved me, yeah,\u201d Angel nodded, \u201cbut that was all, Cordelia. We hardly even talked, other than for her to bitch me out over my career choices.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSmart girl.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019ve had worse,\u201d he said pointedly.<\/p>\n
Cordelia shrugged at that. She wasn\u2019t about to apologize for giving Angel a few home truths. It seemed like he\u2019d been lacking in those since she\u2019d fallen into her coma.<\/p>\n
\u201cSo what did you want to talk about? I\u2019m guessing Buffy is now off the conversational menu.\u201d<\/p>\n
He took a drink of the punch Fred had given him \u2013 Dutch courage, maybe? \u2013 and cleared his throat, going straight for the heart with three little words.<\/p>\n
\u201cI miss you,\u201d he said quietly.<\/p>\n
That, she hadn\u2019t been expecting. \u201cYou miss me?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI have for a long time, Cordelia,\u201d his voice was firmer this time, \u201cI just didn\u2019t realise it.\u201d<\/p>\n
Cordelia glanced down at her glass. And she was supposed to say what to that? That he damn well should have? That he should have fought harder, known better, known her? Or what wasn\u2019t her? God, this was confusing.<\/p>\n
\u201cI mean, I did realise it,\u201d he continued, flustered at her silence, \u201cWhen you were in your coma, you were\u2026you were the only one I could talk to.\u201d<\/p>\n
She frowned, \u201cYou mean I was the only one who didn\u2019t argue back.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou really think that?\u201d Angel\u2019s eyes flashed. \u201cI\u2019d have given anything\u2014everything<\/i>\u2014to have you back with me. Even like this\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cLike what?\u201d Her voice sounded tired again. \u201cOn opposite ends of the battlefield? Me fighting in one corner, you in another? It was never supposed to be like this, Angel. We were supposed to be\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cFriends,\u201d he finished for her. \u201cFamily. And we\u2019re not, are we?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo,\u201d she shook her head, \u201cNot any more. Not like this.\u201d<\/p>\n
Usually, this would be the point where the conversation ended. Where one of them backed out because it was too painful to continue, because the other didn\u2019t want to.<\/p>\n
Cordelia took a drink, more to have something to do with her hands than anything else, and felt the liquid burn slowly down the back of her throat.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy didn\u2019t you notice?\u201d She asked softly.<\/p>\n
Angel\u2019s head snapped up. She looked haunted now, her eyes shadowed by memories of the things that only they could remember.<\/p>\n
\u201cWesley, I could sort of understand. He hadn\u2019t been around in ages, but you\u2026\u201d she closed her eyes. \u201cEverything that happened, the things I did\u2026 I get that you had things going on but\u2026you knew me better than anyone.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIf I could change it\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
Her eyes snapped open, \u201cIt\u2019s not about changing it, Angel, it\u2019s about moving on. I can\u2019t talk to anyone about this and it\u2019s driving me crazy.\u201d<\/p>\n
She hated how desperate she sounded. It was like an open wound, itching away at her and slowly becoming infected. It had been that, more than anything that had eaten away at her for weeks.<\/p>\n
She couldn\u2019t talk about it. She couldn\u2019t spank her inner moppet and move on because nobody but Angel knew about it and, having known the majority of it anyway, did he really need the details?<\/p>\n
The feel of his hands on one of hers drew Cordelia\u2019s gaze upwards, \u201cI\u2019m here now,\u201d he offered quietly, hoping more than anything that it wasn\u2019t too late.<\/p>\n
She gave him a pained look, about to shake her head and get the hell out of this building when her mouth opened and it all started tumbling out.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m so mad at you,\u201d she whispered, \u201cI\u2019m so fucking mad at you for all of this. For taking this deal, for making him forget, for not letting me\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
He looked like she\u2019d driven a stake through his heart at that but she couldn\u2019t stop. Weeks of bottling it up and Cordelia was finally getting the release she needed.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou didn\u2019t notice,\u201d she said quietly, \u201cNot one of you noticed, not even when I was trying to unleash the one thing I\u2019ve always been afraid of\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
Angel stared at her for a moment, \u201cAngelus.\u201d<\/p>\n
Cordelia didn\u2019t seem to hear. \u201cEven after that, with Connor\u2026\u201d Her insides twisted and she took a step backwards, though she didn\u2019t let go of his hand. \u201cI was there. Throughout all of it, watching as this thing played him, as it\u2026\u201d Her eyes closed again.<\/p>\n
There were just some things that she couldn\u2019t bring herself to say. \u201cIt was so wrong, Angel, and I couldn\u2019t do anything. I tried and I couldn\u2019t stop it.\u201d<\/p>\n
She felt raw and open, exposed. She\u2019d gotten a lot of what she\u2019d wanted to say off her chest and she didn\u2019t even feel a little bit better.<\/p>\n
\u201cI thought that afterwards, one of you would know. That you\u2019d just look at me a-and realize\u2026 I mean the outfits alone, Angel\u2026\u201d She didn\u2019t even attempt the humor on that one.<\/p>\n
Just thinking back to the clothes she\u2019d worn was bad enough \u2013 starting in on the things she\u2019d done was a thousand times worse.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt was like he was mine,\u201d she said softly, her brow furrowing, \u201cThose few weeks, he was just a baby and it was so easy to think like that, y\u2019know? And then when he came back\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
He\u2019d been so confused, so hurt and angry. And he\u2019d been the only one there when she\u2019d been all Amnesia Girl \u2013 the only one who\u2019d told her the truth because he\u2019d been sick of the lies himself.<\/p>\n
\u201cHe kissed me,\u201d she said quietly, \u201cwhen we were training together. I\u2019d got a move right and he kissed me and even then it felt wrong. And then Lorne did that spell and I was just here\u2014\u201d she tapped her forehead \u201c\u2014stuck. Watching as this thing tricked my friends and it used me to do it.\u201d<\/p>\n
Cordelia felt sick. She\u2019d thought that talking about this was the way to go, that it would make things better somehow. She was all for making herself spank her inner moppet, she just hadn\u2019t expected it to hurt like this.<\/p>\n
\u201cI spent months wishing I\u2019d done things differently. It gets kind of boring in a coma \u2013 all you get to do is think and reflect and, y\u2019know, think a little more. There\u2019s so much I would have done differently. So much I would have changed.\u201d<\/p>\n
She sighed, looking down at their hands.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m mad at everyone,\u201d she told him softly, \u201cSkip, the Powers\u2026but most of all, I\u2019m mad at me. For leaving you that night, when we were supposed to meet up. For fighting everyone else\u2019s battle but ours. Maybe if I\u2019d been a little more selfish, maybe it would have worked out differently.\u201d<\/p>\n
And that was the ironic thing. Self, first, everyone else last had been her motto for her entire natural life.<\/p>\n
The one time it had changed everything had been screwed up beyond recognition, and what kind of message was that<\/i> to send to people?<\/p>\n
Angel sighed, \u201cMaybe this is the way it was supposed to work out, Cordy. Because maybe to realise what you have, you have to lose everything first.\u201d<\/p>\n
Cordelia stared at him a moment, \u201cHuh?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI lost everything,\u201d he said softly. \u201cI thought I was making it easier for everyone else, so that my son wouldn\u2019t know or recognise me, so that the people it affected most wouldn\u2019t remember. Only that didn\u2019t work with you.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cGreat,\u201d she murmured softly, \u201cme and my impenetrable coma.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019d have been more pissed at me if it had worked,\u201d Angel told her and she kind of had to admit that he was right. \u201cBut you were wrong about what you said last time because I never stopped caring, Cordelia, and I never stopped loving you.\u201d<\/p>\n
Despite her misgivings, Cordelia felt something awfully like hope flare inside her chest. This conversation was a world away from the one she\u2019d been expecting. Inner moppets had been spanked (well, hers anyway), Angel had declared he loved her \u2013 had never stopped, actually \u2013 and now\u2026<\/p>\n
She loved him too. Loved him completely and utterly and he really, really pissed her off sometimes, especially with his whole career path de jour and that\u2019s what made this so hard. So very, very hard, actually.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat do you want me to say, Angel?\u201d She asked, quietly. \u201cYou work here and you go against everything we\u2019ve fought against for the last ever. It doesn\u2019t change because you love me.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy not?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBecause it just doesn\u2019t,\u201d she frowned. \u201cWhat do you think, that the Powers are going to send me visions while I\u2019m shacked up in your penthouse?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI think I want to try and make it work, whatever happens,\u201d he said firmly, and this time he wasn\u2019t going to ask if they had been in love or if they\u2019d been working towards that in their own unique and completely fumbling away.<\/p>\n
This time he was going to ask her outright \u2013 did she love him? <\/i>\u2013 so he did.<\/p>\n
\u201cDo you love me?\u201d<\/p>\n
She wasn\u2019t used to him being that direct. She stared up at him, shaken by the way his gaze seemed to burn into hers, and shook her head, \u201cWhat kind of question is that?\u201d Because, seriously, how dense was he? Could he not just look at her and see?<\/p>\n
\u201cAngel, I\u2019ve loved…been in love with you for\u2026God, I don\u2019t even remember. Feels like a lifetime,\u201d she murmured softly.<\/p>\n
She felt his hand shift, his fingers lace through hers and when he squeezed gently, Cordelia sighed, \u201cYou drive me crazy,\u201d she said quietly, \u201ccompletely and utterly off the charts crazy. Do you know that?\u201d<\/p>\n
Angel nodded, \u201cI do.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t even know how we\u2019ll make this work.\u201d<\/p>\n
This time, it was Angel\u2019s spirits that soared, \u201cDoes that mean you\u2019ll try?\u201d<\/p>\n
Cordelia gave a tiny smile, \u201cThat means that maybe I\u2019m adopting my old way of thinking. That maybe being a little selfish is the way forwards.\u201d<\/p>\n
She didn\u2019t know how it would work, but she\u2019d give it a try, \u201cIt\u2019s not over. I mean, there\u2019s still stuff we need to talk about.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know,\u201d he nodded, \u201cand we will, Cordy. I promise.\u201d<\/p>\n
She reached up then, pressing her lips against his, wondering at the fact that the haze of the alcohol had started to wear off a little. She felt his tongue press gently inside her mouth and she whimpered softly, wrapping her arms up and around his neck.<\/p>\n
He pulled her flush against him, felt her smile against his mouth, and pulled back a little, his forehead resting against hers. \u201cCordy\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat?\u201d She asked, impatient now.<\/p>\n
\u201cAudience,\u201d he nodded towards the windows of his office, where his employees were dancing the night away. Some gazes had swayed towards the office but mostly they were ignored. He wanted to keep it that way.<\/p>\n
\u201cWe could let \u2018em watch,\u201d she joked.<\/p>\n
Angel growled softly, making her laugh. \u201cWe can be away from here in ten minutes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAre you kidding?\u201d Cordelia asked, rolling her eyes, \u201cEveryone wants to talk to the Boss Man, Angel. It took us twenty minutes to get in here alone.\u201d<\/p>\n
He leaned down, nuzzled lightly against her neck, \u201cWhat do you suggest?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWell you do have blinds,\u201d she observed, whimpering as she wondered how he managed to find a spot on her neck that seemed to be directly connected to the place between her thighs, \u201cAnd a lock on your door.\u201d<\/p>\n
He laughed against her collarbone, placing a feather light kiss there before pulling away and doing as she\u2019d suggested, closing them both off from the world outside. When he turned back to face her she was sitting on his desk, watching as he moved towards her, legs crossed at the knee.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019ve missed you too, y\u2019know,\u201d she breathed out as he got closer.<\/p>\n
Angel\u2019s smile threatened to split his face, \u201cEven with Spike taking my place?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOnly in the Champion capacity,\u201d she pointed out, \u201cMy own was -\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOtherwise engaged?\u201d<\/p>\n
She nodded, seemed to accept that, and slid forwards on his desk. \u201cYou planning on kissing me soon?\u201d<\/p>\n
His smile turned wry as he bent his head towards hers again and he kissed her, long and slow, one hand sliding up to cup her cheek. She melted into him, opening up her mouth to his, and she knew at once that she\u2019d come home, that she was right where she was supposed to be.<\/p>\n
\u201cAngel, I\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n
She was 99.9% sure she\u2019d been about to tell him she loved him. So sure, in fact, that when the sharp rap came at the door, she let out her \u2018the entire world needs to go bite me\u2019 humph and glared at Angel.<\/p>\n
\u201cDo you ever catch a break?\u201d She demanded.<\/p>\n
The fact that he didn\u2019t answer it right away earned him many points in Cordelia\u2019s book. He remained at her side, went to kiss her again, when Spike\u2019s voice rose above the music.<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd whose bright idea was it to spike the bloody punch?\u201d<\/p>\n
Cordelia reared back as though she\u2019d been slapped. The punch? Somebody had spiked\u2026 Was that what this was? Their whole conversation, everything they\u2019d talked about tonight, a by-product of someone spiking their drinks?<\/p>\n
Cordelia got down off his desk and pushed past him, adjusting her dress as she pulled open the doors. She was aware that her lipstick was smudged and that her previously ruffled calm was now seriously so.<\/p>\n
Still, she managed to level her gaze at Spike. \u201cSomeone spiked the punch?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAsk him!\u201d He pointed at Lorne who was currently being manhandled by an equally ruffled looking Wes.<\/p>\n
\u201cGeez, would you let go already? You\u2019d think the world was ending!\u201d Lorne griped, before a look of panic blossomed on his face, \u201cOh, Jumpin\u2019 Judas on a unicycle, it\u2019s not, is it?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt might,\u201d said Cordelia, warningly. \u201cWhat the hell did you do?\u201d<\/p>\n
Lorne\u2019s gaze went immediately to Fred and Wes. Fred, who was looking more dishevelled than the last time Cordelia had seen her, straightened out her shirt. \u201cWho told?\u201d<\/p>\n
Fred honestly didn\u2019t look like she cared who\u2019d told what at that moment. She kept looking at Wesley much the same way as Angel kept looking at Cordelia. Something she was very much trying to ignore.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou spiked the punch?\u201d Cordelia asked.<\/p>\n
Lorne looked very guilty all of a sudden. \u201cWell, I just\u2026I only put a couple of drops in!\u201d He glanced at the mutinous look on Wesley\u2019s face, \u201cOh, don\u2019t look at me like that, Smart Stuff. You two\u2019d still be jostling around the niceties if I hadn\u2019t intervened.\u201d<\/p>\n
Wesley’s mouth fell open, \u201cSo you took it upon yourself to spike our punch?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt worked, didn\u2019t it?\u201d Lorne pointed out, \u201cIt got you two to talk. Open up. Tell each other how you feel. That\u2019s all I wanted, to see you and Freddles happy.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd you thought what? You\u2019d extend some to the floundering vampire and his on-off best friend?\u201d Cordelia frowned.<\/p>\n
\u201cPumpkin, I have no idea what you\u2019re talking about,\u201d said Lorne, turning towards Cordelia. \u201cReally. That stuff was for Fred and Wes and Fred and Wes only. It wouldn\u2019t work on you two anyway.\u201d<\/p>\n
Cordelia blinked, \u201cSo you didn\u2019t\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNope,\u201d Lorne shook his head, \u201cWhy would I? You\u2019d get there on your own steam eventually anyway. You always do.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOh.\u201d Said Cordelia softly, risking a glance at a smiling Angel.<\/p>\n
Angel stepped forward, taking hold of her hand and squeezing as he began to lead her back to the office, \u201cNo more interruptions,\u201d he told them firmly, \u201cnot even if the building is falling down around our ears.\u201d<\/p>\n
When he\u2019d closed and locked the doors again, Cordelia shot him a guilty look. \u201cAre you sure my costume isn\u2019t really for Goddess of Over-Reaction?\u201d<\/p>\n
Angel smiled, walking towards her and reaching up to play with a lock of hair that had worked its way free. \u201cJudging by the way our previous conversations have gone, I can\u2019t say I blame you.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThere is that,\u201d she nodded, wanting to get back to, well, what they\u2019d been doing before. \u201cAny chance we can forget my little outburst?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAlready done,\u201d he told her, lowering his lips to hers again. It was like they\u2019d never left. Cordelia reached up, wrapping her arms around his neck and gasping softly as he slid his hands down her back, letting them rest on the curves of her ass.<\/p>\n
She expected her mind to boggle at the fact that Angel had his hands on her ass \u2013 hello, major line crossage here! \u2013 but all Cordelia could think about was if maybe they\u2019d done this sooner, gotten over all the things that were in the way, they could\u2019ve had it a lot longer.<\/p>\n
\u201cI love you,\u201d she murmured against his lips and whimpered as she felt him pull back.<\/p>\n
\u201cCordy\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDon\u2019t you dare,\u201d she warned him heavily, pressing her body closer to his, \u201cIf you tell me how we can\u2019t, or how we shouldn\u2019t I\u2019ll\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI love you, too,\u201d he told her, silencing her fears quickly, \u201cI just don\u2019t want us to\u2026I don\u2019t want our first time to be\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat? Here?\u201d Cordelia smiled up at him, \u201cThere are a lot of benefits to here, Angel. Don\u2019t tell me you\u2019ve never thought about doing it in your office.\u201d<\/p>\n
He laughed at that, the sound rich and warm, and Cordelia reached up, nuzzling her nose into his neck.<\/p>\n
\u201cAll I meant,\u201d He said as he ran one hand up her back, massaging the soft skin of her neck lightly, \u201cWas that I wanted it to be special.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m with you, aren\u2019t I?\u201d<\/p>\n
She pressed a kiss to his jaw line, peppering kisses up to his lips and working her way back again. She went further, wanting to know how far she could push him, and bit lightly on that space between his neck and his collarbone, not hard enough to break skin, but not soft either.<\/p>\n
Angel growled lightly, his gaze darkening with need, \u201cYou do that again and this\u2019ll be over way too fast.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cCan\u2019t have that,\u201d she murmured. One of his hands had worked its way round, pulling lightly at the thin strands of rope holding her dress in place. She\u2019d tell him that patience was a virtue but she wanted this as much as him \u2013 more now \u2013 so she let him get on with it, pulling back when she realised he\u2019d stopped.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat now?\u201d Again with the impatience.<\/p>\n
Angel blinked, \u201cCordy, your dress, you\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWow, 250 years of getting some and this gives you problems?\u201d She laughed as he mock-glared at her, reaching up to undo the shoulder tie and blushing slightly as the dress fell and Angel\u2019s gaze wandered over her.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019re flawless,\u201d he told her immediately, \u201cMy Goddess.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDuh,\u201d she rolled her eyes, bringing him back to earth with a bump. The dress fell further and Angel reached out, cupping one breast in the palm of his hand.<\/p>\n
Cordelia bit her lip, they were very much doing this. This wasn\u2019t first-time fumblings with Wilson Christopher. This wasn\u2019t even Groo, sweet, dependable Groo who she\u2019d totally made into an Angel clone. This was Angel. Her best friend and, yeah, okay, she was\u2014<\/p>\n
\u201cNervous?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cA little,\u201d she admitted, without really thinking about it. \u201cSorry.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDon\u2019t be,\u201d he shook his head. \u201cIt\u2019s fine, Cordelia. We\u2019ll go slow, okay?\u201d<\/p>\n