Part 11<\/b><\/p>\n
Cordelia opened the door to the hotel, pulling Spike in behind her. They walked carefully, Spike\u2019s steps uncertain, his face contorted in pain. When she\u2019d tended to his wounds awhile back, they had been nowhere near this serious. But at least he wasn\u2019t dust. At least he would recover, even if it was painful.<\/p>\n
Escorting him over to the sofa, Cordelia made sure he was somewhat comfortable before she left to get the first aid kit. While she was gone, Spike stripped off his shirt and inspected his wounds. They were ugly, a set of nearly two inch round puncture marks that went all the way through, right where his lungs were. If he\u2019d been living, he would\u2019ve died mere moments after he was skewered. They were already starting to heal, one of the many benefits of immortality.<\/p>\n
Mere minutes later, Cordelia was back at his side, thrusting a mug of blood into his hand and scrutinizing his injuries with a practiced eye. She blocked out her worry for him, blocked out everything but her need to patch him up.<\/p>\n
\u201cTurn over, let me do the back first.\u201d He did as she asked, kneeling on the sofa so he wouldn\u2019t rub the wounds on his stomach.<\/p>\n
Taking a bandage out of the kit, she poured some antiseptic on it and gingerly cleansed the two holes.<\/p>\n
Spike hissed with pain at her ministrations. \u201cThis d\u00e9j\u00e0 vu thing is not all its cracked up to be, pet,\u201d he said, his forehead resting on the back of the couch.<\/p>\n
He barely felt her put the bandages on, her touch was so gentle.<\/p>\n
\u201cTurn back over,\u201d she said softly, pushing at him gently.<\/p>\n
He did, slumping in the seat so that his head could rest on the cushions. Once he was settled, she straddled him, sitting far back on his knees, wanting the best access for patching him up.<\/p>\n
\u201cD\u00e9j\u00e0 vu? What, you mean you don\u2019t like me playing nurse?\u201d she said with a smile, remembering the last time she\u2019d patched him up and their grope-fest afterward.<\/p>\n
He took a gulp from the nearly-forgotten mug before answering. \u201cOh, having your hands on me is about as far from misery as possible, but I don\u2019t like what I have to do to get it. You\u2019d think a bloke could just smile and wink, but you modern girls make a man work for his jollies.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHell yeah. I don\u2019t put out for just any cute undead guy I see.\u201d Their light banter helped him focus on something other than the pain. Actually, though, it was lessening. The blood was doing its magic, and he was already well on his way to recovery. She placed the last of the tape on the bandages, then sat back, her hands resting on his thighs, and smiled at him.<\/p>\n
\u201cAll better, Blondie Bear,\u201d she grinned. He just rolled his eyes and chuckled.<\/p>\n
\u201cBlondie bear? What kind of lame ass nickname is that?\u201d<\/p>\n
Both Cordelia and Spike\u2019s eyes whipped over to the owner of the voice, Spike\u2019s chest clenching and Cordelia\u2019s anger rising. Buffy\u2019s sarcasm wasn\u2019t lost on either of them.<\/p>\n
\u201cI thought we\u2019d gotten rid of you, Slayer,\u201d Spike said, the words nearly emotionless. Right now he couldn\u2019t think, he\u2019d been so caught off guard.<\/p>\n
\u201cAre you okay, Spike?\u201d Buffy said, a softness creeping into her voice, her eyes searching him.<\/p>\n
She and Angel had entered the hotel just as Cordelia had come back into the lobby, and stood silently as she patched him up. Both of them ached to be a player in that scene, Buffy to be the one on Spike\u2019s lap, Angel to be the one that Cordy was fussing over. But after a moment of guilty observation, Buffy\u2019s longing turned to anger. Cordelia had no right to have her hands all over Spike. He loved her<\/i>, not Cordelia. All of a sudden, the long list of Cordelia\u2019s faults began to run through her head. This was not going to happen, not if she could help it.<\/p>\n
She moved closer, blocking Cordelia\u2019s presence out in her concern for him.<\/p>\n
Cordelia wouldn\u2019t be so easily pushed aside. Knowing that Spike was torn up whenever Buffy was around, she felt an urge to protect him.<\/p>\n
\u201cHe\u2019s fine. Healing nicely, as vamps are known to do. What do you want?\u201d Cordelia asked harshly. Her breath caught as Angel melted out of the shadows, coming to stand near Buffy.<\/p>\n
\u201cI want to talk to you, and Buffy wants to talk to Spike,\u201d Angel said carefully. His observation of the scene had been less heated, but not by much. Now that he\u2019d acknowledged his feelings for Cordelia, all he wanted to do was declare them. But it didn\u2019t stop his demon from howling with rage at the sight of another vampire fondling his property. He had a tight lid on his instincts, trying not to explode at Cordelia\u2019s all-too-friendly position on Spike\u2019s lap.<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, that\u2019s kinda funny. Cuz neither of us give a damn about talking to you,\u201d Cordelia said, her eyes flashing as she glared first at Angel, then Buffy. \u201cWe\u2019ve got lots of stuff to do, so get lost.\u201d<\/p>\n
Spike just smiled up at her, loving how protective she was being. He didn\u2019t need it, but it made him feel good just the same.<\/p>\n
\u201cOh, sure. Stuff. Like what?\u201d Buffy said skeptically.<\/p>\n
\u201cSpike\u2019s going to take me shopping. There are some Jimmy Choo\u2019s I\u2019ve been dying to pick up,\u201d Cordelia said, falling back on the stereotype she knew Buffy still held about her. Why should she try to convince the other woman that she was different? She didn\u2019t want to believe it, anyway.<\/p>\n
\u201cThis is important, Cordy,\u201d Angel said, moving closer to her. He stood directly behind her, placing a hand on her shoulder. \u201cPlease?\u201d<\/p>\n
He gazed down at her with one of those puppy dog expressions that had always melted her anger and made her want to cuddle up with him forever. She felt herself beginning to succumb, and she hated herself for it.<\/p>\n
But Spike wouldn\u2019t let her be the bitch she wanted to be. \u201cS\u2019okay, luv. I\u2019m all right with it if you are.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAre you sure?\u201d she said, her eyes concerned.<\/p>\n
\u201cYeah.\u201d Maybe this time it\u2019ll be over,<\/i> his expression silently said.<\/p>\n
\u201cFine,\u201d she said, turning shuttered eyes up to Angel. \u201cWe\u2019ll go out into the courtyard. You two,\u201d she looked at Buffy with a warning in her eyes, \u201ccan talk in here.\u201d<\/p>\n
Angel followed her as she walked out into the small courtyard, the scent of jasmine thick in the air. The scent nearly shredded his resolve, the images of Cordelia\u2019s possessed self flooding back in his mind. He fought for control, fought to regain the confidence in loving her that he\u2019d so recently accepted. Wanting to get back some of his composure, he started with what he figured would be the easiest question first.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy didn\u2019t you tell me you were still having visions, Cordelia?\u201d<\/p>\n
***<\/p>\n
The tension between Buffy and Spike nearly strangled them both. Once Angel and Cordelia had left for the courtyard, it seemed as if the atmosphere had been completely vacuumed out of the space, leaving only the two of them and their raw emotions. They felt flayed, exposed, vulnerable. Spike was afraid that she would tell him that Angel was better than she\u2019d ever dreamed. Buffy was afraid that Spike would talk about how happy he was with Cordy. Neither of them wanted to be the first to put his or her heart on the chopping block, so they\u2019d settled for silence.<\/p>\n
The only problem with that silence was that it allowed Buffy\u2019s misplaced anger at Cordelia to grow, to swell and broil until it pushed aside the apology and declaration of love she\u2019d come here to deliver. All she could think was that she\u2019d lost him, to Cordelia of all people, and she wasn\u2019t going to get him back.<\/p>\n
Of course, it was all Cordelia\u2019s fault. Cordelia was a conniving, manipulative little bitch who always wanted what Buffy wanted.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat is it with you and superficial women, Spike?\u201d Buffy said, sounding one hundred times more condescending than she\u2019d intended. But she ignored it and plowed on in her pain and anger. \u201cI mean, first there was Dru, not exactly the poster girl for either sanity or depth of character. Then there was Harmony. Now that was an example of shallowness personified if I ever saw it.\u201d<\/p>\n
Steadfastly ignoring the dark cloud appearing on Spike\u2019s face, Buffy laid the last blow down. \u201cAnd Cordelia? She may act all goody goody, but underneath, she\u2019s still the conceited, self-centered bitch she was in high school.\u201d<\/p>\n
Spike shot up from his chair, ignoring the twinge of pain at the movement. He stalked over to Buffy, growling down into her face. She held her ground, but inside she was shaking. She knew she\u2019d gone too far.<\/p>\n
\u201cFirst, Slayer,\u201d he spat, the word no longer an endearment but an insult. \u201cDru was my sire. Didn\u2019t have much choice in that, now, did I? And second, Harmony was a mistake. I knew it and she knew it. I couldn\u2019t have Dru or you, so I settled for her. And Cordelia?\u201d<\/p>\n
He paused, shaking his head at her as if she were a small child who didn\u2019t understand the simplest of problems. \u201cCordelia is anything but shallow. She\u2019s got some serious depth, layers upon layers that very few people have had the privilege to explore. She\u2019s been my friend when I\u2019ve had no one else. When the woman I loved was too stupid to love me back. She\u2019s comforted me when I needed it most. Don\u2019t you dare tell me she\u2019s shallow. You don\u2019t know shit about Cordelia, so leave her the hell alone!\u201d<\/p>\n
His little speech was enough to shake Buffy to the core. She knew she\u2019d been wrong, that her thoughts about Cordelia were unjustified. She knew that what Angel had told her about Cordelia\u2019s personality transformation was true, but still, in her anger, she\u2019d clung to the jealousy that had been born and nurtured so long ago.<\/p>\n
Spike had said she was his friend. But was that all she was?<\/p>\n
\u201cIs that all she is, Spike? A friend?\u201d Buffy asked softly, the anger still there but now softened by anxious worry. She wanted to know if they\u2019d slept together, but at the same time, she didn\u2019t. It was torturous.<\/p>\n
Spike hesitated before he answered, and it cost him.<\/p>\n
Buffy\u2019s jaw clenched as the silence dragged on. Obviously, they\u2019d slept together and Spike wasn\u2019t going to kiss and tell.<\/p>\n
\u201cFine. I get it. Enough said,\u201d she whispered, her eyes filling with tears. She turned to leave, but he grabbed her arm.<\/p>\n
\u201cBuffy\u2014,\u201d he started, but she yanked her arm away, her eyes flashing.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou have some of the worst decision making skills I\u2019ve ever seen, Spike. Do you honestly think a fuck buddy relationship with Cordelia is good for you? Do you think you\u2019ll get something more out of it than your \u2018jollies\u2019?\u201d she said, echoing his joke to Cordelia earlier.<\/p>\n
She got closer to him, her voice dropping to a whisper. \u201cYou haven\u2019t changed at all. You say your soul made you different, made you a better man. What soul? From where I stand it doesn\u2019t look like you\u2019ve changed at all!\u201d<\/p>\n
That was all Spike needed to unleash his angry demon. Growling, he vamped out, grabbed Buffy\u2019s arms, and crushed his lips to hers in a bruising kiss. His fangs scraped her lips as he intended to hurt her, to punish her for her cruel words. But moments after their mouths met, he was lost. He couldn\u2019t hurt her, couldn\u2019t punish her. Just the taste of her was enough to make him weak-kneed. His human features slid back on, and his mouth turned tender. His kisses became loving, sensual. He poured all of his pent up emotion for her into that contact, fearing that it would be his last chance.<\/p>\n
The change from furious to gentle nearly undid Buffy\u2019s control. She whimpered under his sweet attack, her tongue seeking his. Tasting him was like coming home, and she melted into his arms, pressing herself fully against him. She loved him so fully, and she put all of that into her kiss. But after a few minutes, it became too much. He didn\u2019t want her. He didn\u2019t love her, he\u2019d slept with Cordelia. And knowing that made the desperation so much more acute.<\/p>\n
Spike let her shove him away, but he reached out a hand and turned her face so that she was looking at him. \u201cI told you before, and I\u2019ll tell you again. You can never be happy with Angel because he isn\u2019t what you need. I am. I love you, Buffy, and I always will. I hope that some day you\u2019ll accept that, and then I\u2019ll be here for you.\u201d<\/p>\n
He didn\u2019t bother to reassure her that his relationship with Cordelia was platonic. He wanted Buffy to accept him even if he had slept with the cheerleader. Because he almost had. He\u2019d wanted to. And in his mind, that was nearly the same thing.<\/p>\n
They stared at each other for a moment more. Then Spike turned and strode up the stairs, away from Buffy, away from the pain.<\/p>\n
She just watched him go, her heart torn in two. She wanted him so desperately, but the pain that the knowledge of his relationship with Cordelia brought was just too much to handle right now. If he\u2019d denied it, she would\u2019ve grabbed him and never let go. But he hadn\u2019t. And that was something she\u2019d have to accept before she gave herself to him irrevocably.<\/p>\n
***<\/p>\n
Outside in the courtyard, Cordelia regarded Angel with nothing short of disdain as he asked her about the visions. She still loved him, there was no doubt about that, but right now she disliked him intensely.<\/p>\n
Finally, after a moment of contemplation, she answered him.<\/p>\n
\u201cI didn\u2019t tell you I was still having visions because you didn\u2019t seem to care about me one way or the other. Why should<\/i> I tell you?\u201d<\/p>\n
He frowned as he remembered Buffy\u2019s nearly identical words earlier. He still didn\u2019t agree. \u201cI\u2019m the Champion for the Powers, not Spike. I should be the one fighting.\u201d<\/p>\n
She snorted indelicately. \u201cYou\u2019ve got the evil law firm to run now, don\u2019t you?\u201d she reminded him.<\/p>\n
\u201cSo?\u201d he said, sounding like a three-year-old.<\/p>\n
\u201cSo, you\u2019re busy. Besides, like I said, you don\u2019t care anymore.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOf course I care!\u201d he shouted. \u201cThis is my redemption we\u2019re talking about here, not some side job.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cCould\u2019ve fooled me,\u201d Cordelia muttered. More loudly, she said, \u201cIt doesn\u2019t matter, anyway. Spike\u2019s perfectly capable of handling it. He\u2019s a champion, too. He proved that in Sunnydale. So you just go on, play Lawyer Vamp, and have a good time. Just don\u2019t come back.\u201d<\/p>\n
Her last words were punctuated by a death glare, the likes of which Angel had never seen. He didn\u2019t know her eyes could express such hatred for him, and it unnerved him.<\/p>\n
\u201cIs this what you really want, Cordelia? To never see each other again? We were best friends. We cared about each other, didn\u2019t we? Doesn\u2019t that deserve some recognition?\u201d<\/p>\n
In his mind, he was asking for a second chance. But Cordelia took it as manipulation to get what he wanted. To her, it sounded like he was reducing their friendship to a bargaining chip.<\/p>\n
Raising her chin and setting her jaw, she nodded once. \u201cYes. I want you gone, Angel. Go back to Buffy and leave me alone. Please, just leave.\u201d<\/p>\n
She spun around on the last phrase, her eyes welling up with tears. She desperately wanted to beg him to stay, to hold her and love her, but he\u2019d made it abundantly clear that he didn\u2019t want her anymore.<\/p>\n
\u201cFine, Cordelia.\u201d Angel finally agreed, staring at her back with longing and sorrow. He\u2019d blown it. She was gone, and he wasn\u2019t getting her back. It felt like his heart was being squished.<\/p>\n
\u201cWait, Angel, I\u2014,\u201d Cordelia spun around, suddenly recognizing her last chance. But he was gone, having left silently at her insistence.<\/p>\n
God, she was a fool.<\/em><\/p>\n ***<\/p>\n God, he was a fool.<\/em><\/p>\n The admonishment echoed in his brain with every step that Angel took away from the hotel. He knew he\u2019d blown it. He knew it, because he\u2019d seen a flash of love and longing in her eyes back there, right in the moment when he talked about their relationship. He knew she still loved him, but he\u2019d let himself be swayed by her anger. He hadn\u2019t told her he loved her, and he\u2019d let her push him away.<\/p>\n This time, he wasn\u2019t going to give in to the guilt and brood. This time, he was going to do something about it. He was going to get her back, even if he had to tie her up and play dirty. She wanted him, he wanted her, and they were meant to be together, damn it.<\/p>\n